Trying to draw a line under it…


Okay, so there is no easy way to summarise my feelings from the break up, or how I am feeling now. So I am not sure there is much point trying. I am doing my best, going to therapy, looking after myself, trying to plan new things, and focussing on my family, friends and the other positives in my life. However, it is hard to ignore and still a battle I am fighting each and every day to try and not let it overcome me.

I was finding it too hard to blog, because the breakup was so consuming that I didn’t know how to write about anything else, but now I look back and don’t want that to be a reason that I stop writing, not when this blog has meant so much to me in the past. So, I am back, and going to do my best!

I have a hospital appointment tomorrow morning to practice doing another test-  some kind of swallow-the-camera-in-a-pill (not sure that is the technical name!). And before you do the test you have to do a practice with a placebo pill to make sure it agrees with your system, so that is what I am going to be doing. Then on Wednesday for a check up, then hopefully it will go okay and I can crack on with getting the ACTUAL test done, finally. I am also hoping to do some blood tests tomorrow, or Wednesday, to keep on top of everything. Sometimes being in remission means its to easy to forget how bad everything can be. I have been through one of the most stressful times of my life, and I am feeling beyond grateful that my crohns (thus far) hasn’t been impacted by that!

I am working full time, by working 2 part time jobs, and loving them. Although I need something a bit more permanent! And hopefully better paid 😉

Anyway, that’s a mini update for now, and I hope to get back on track with the positivity and focus that this blog used to contain for me.

Big hugs

H x

trying to move on with life is harder than you would think


I am sorry for the lack of inspiration in these posts, and the lack of focus on my journey with crohns. As it stands the hospital appears to be ignoring me and I am still waiting for some further camera testing to be done to see if it is active anywhere – but so far I am just grateful it hasn’t flared due to stress.

But honestly, my life is beginning to function again day to day, and enjoying seeing my friends and family more than I have been able to in months. Up until the breakup I was so busy trying to fix my relationship, that I let so many other things slip past. And that was bad of me, and I am trying to make up for that now and enjoy the people around me who are genuinely here for me, and are going to be a permenant part of my life.

My friends are trying to encourage me to join lots of dating websites and go on speed dates, and begin to just “get over him” and ” be more positive” – little do they know how impossible that is.  How could I ever feel that way about anyone else again? I cant see one person ever being so important in my life, or me being so willing to dedicate my life to one person in that way. He was my best friend, my confidant, an incredible person and so much more. Clearly, he had his flaws, and there are so many things about the ending of the relationship that I resent him for, the way in which he ended things was brutal and I didn’t deserve to be treated like such shit, as if I was unimportant and unworthy of his time even for a proper conversation. I feel like he clearly decided this a few weeks ago and just didn’t know how to say it, hence the extra arguments and all the comments like “I don’t want children”, which I think he just said because he knew it was a deal breaker for me, and he was trying to get me to end things. Which is cowardly and hurtful.

But I don’t understand how I could love someone like that again, and I don’t think I ever will. To be so comfortable with someone, so in love with them, and all the things I wanted with him I cant imagine wanting with someone else. And I don’t really want to even think about it yet. There is still a part of me hoping that he will change his mind, but I also hate that part of me. And I hate the fact that I know I would run straight back into his arms if he asked. I think I am a different person, I am stronger and more independent and really have had time to reflect on my actions and flaws and what I would do differently next time. And that is a good thing. But the bad thing is all I wish is that he could see it, fall back in love with me, and want to try again. How ridiculous and stupid. Especially considering I doubt he has given me a second thought since the day he ended things. He has an incredible ability to step aside from the emotional side and cut that out, and that is exactly what he did to me.

Side note – I also bloody miss his family. I spent three years trying to bond with them, and form relationships, and now they have gone. And I miss them. And his mum. So, so bloody much. It isn’t just one person I lost, but also my dreams, planned future, his family, our joint friends, and so much more.

I am beginning to laugh again, and remember how to enjoy things in my life, and am trying to appreciate what I DO have, not what I have lost. But that is hard. Especially on days off when I have a lot more time to think. I wish things were different. So badly. I try to remind myself that life goes on, but that isn’t very easy sometimes when it feels like the best thing in my life just threw me away like yesterdays rubbish.

H x

No, it isn’t getting easier


the break up was 2 months ago today. And I am still crying over it, pretty much everyday. My heart hurts and my life seems just a little less full without him in it. It takes every bit of my strength not to reach out, and beg and plead for him to reconsider, to remind him of everything good we had, to say “how about a clean slate?”; but then I remember he could contact me anytime he liked. He just doesn’t want to.

I cleaned my room today and accidently found a card he had written me. His handwriting, his words, his promises- they broke my heart all over again. I miss him physically, his friendship, his laugh, the way he sang along to songs in the car, the way he held me at night, the promises he made and the security he represented, I miss every last thing about him. And I cant for the life of me remember what we used to argue about all the time. I cant. And I have such immeasurable guilt and sorrow over my part in it all, and would do anything to take it back. I just wish he felt half as strongly as I did, but clearly, I was wrong.

I feel like an idiot for feeling so strongly about someone who threw me away with a post-pub phonecall. Who has cut me out so completely and effortlessly, and has made me feel so worthless. When did he stop loving me the way I still love him? And how do I turn these feelings off the way he did? He was my first everything, and I thought my one and only evyerhting. I committed every part of myself to him, and to us, and now he has taken it away- I feel, broken. Utterly. I have worked so hard on myself, with therapy and anxiety courses, with jobs which keep me motivated and stop me being bored and sad in the week- and yet he doesn’t care. So many life changes have happened that I want to tell him about, but then I have toremind myself he doesn’t want to listen. It is the hardest thing in the world to love someone and want them this much, but have no control over being able to get it.

The promises we made, the dreams we shared, the smiles we had, the memories we made. I want them back, and I want them forever. And I am not sure how to accept the fact they are gone, when I would still do anything I could to change that. My head, and my heart, are hurting.

H x

2 weeks ago today…


I am not doing very good at blogging about this breakup experience, mainly because it is too painful to write about, and even more so to re-live.

It was two weeks ago today. Two weeks ago today I was sat waiting by my phone for him to call and to fix things, instead not realising he was just playing rugby and drinking, and later waiting to call and break up with me. Anyway.

I am trying to be positive, to go “onwards and upwards” but it is really hard when he is all I can think of. Sleeping is still super difficult – in those moments before sleep all I can think of is him, and I dream about him every night, and then wake up miserable as it hits me again that this is beginning to be real. I know today he was at rugby again and is probably now in the pub. I know he hasn’t missed me or had enough regrets to contact me. I know he will have been out multiple times. I am sure he has started to move on. I hope that he misses me or has some regrets in some corner of his mind, even if that is just about the callous way he threw me, and all our memories and dreams and plans, away. Via a phonecall which I had to wait up to receive whilst he was drinking.

I am too busy looking back on our memories with rose coloured glasses, and I need to remind myself of how cold he was when he ended things. How harsh he was in the last few weeks. How he wasn’t always loving, and caring, and he was too selfish and cruel sometimes. But, so was I, probably. (Not selfish, that is one thing I am good at not being, but I was angry and grumpy and cruel too, I am sure of that). However,every time I try to think of something bad, I remember his smile, or the feel of falling asleep in his arms, or the smell of his skin, or the way he smiled at me first thing in the morning. And I feel my heart breaking all over again. He was/is my best friend, and I still love absolutely every inch of him, with every single part of my being. And I am not sure how to get my brain to catch up and realise that he doesn’t want me, or want us, anymore. It is hard -having had such amazing happy memories up until the last day, yes, interspersed with shit ones, but the good ones were still there, and that makes it harder.

I am sat here, thinking about him, trying to get through my first day without crying. But ultimately, I know he is doing better than me, because he stopped loving me a while ago, or stopped caring, or stopped wanting to fight. We made promises of loving each other, and having forever together, and I meant what I said. I wanted to spend every day of the rest of my life with him, and have the future we always talked about – the house, the dogs, the everything. All those things we had in our future are gone, and I am not sure how to cope with that.

I am trying to move on and be strong and build myself up. But it is hard, and some days feels impossible. But I don’t have much choice.

H x

Struggling to cope


I don’t really know how to keep writing about this heartbreak, and how to deal with it.

I am trying to be positive, and move on and believe that I can fill my life with happiness regardless of if I am in a relationship with my “ex” (eugh, makes me feel ill just typing that) or not. But that is hard to believe. For so long I have made all my decisions to make him happy, and I feel genuinely worthless- if he thought I wasn’t worth more than a phonecall, then surely nobody else will ever feel like I am worth more. He is my first love, my only love, and my first everything and should be the person who cares about me more than anyone else I this world, that is what he is / was to me – but clearly that feeling wasn’t mutual.  I am trying to find new clubs to join, new activities to do, and reconnect with old friends to fill my time – but it doesn’t actually give me anytime to process.

I am beginning to be able to function through a day again- by keeping busy and cracking on. But the moment I am left alone, I fall apart, everytime. I miss him. So bloody much it is impossible to explain in words. I miss his smile and his hugs and his kisses, I miss his advice, I miss his laugh, I miss his smell and the sound of his voice. I genuinely thought, however naïve it may seem, that he was my forever, my happily ever after, and he was my everything.  I am sure everyone is right when they say life will go on – I just don’t want it to. I want to press pause and rewind, and go back and try again. use everything I know now to make it different and make it work.

I love him, with every fibre of my being, and I am not sure how to stop doing that. At all. It kills me to not know what he is up to, to not talk to him or fill him in on my day, and I cant help but think about him pretty much all the time. And sleeping, god sleeping. It is the worst. Those moments before you fall asleep are torture, and each night my brain taunts me with lovely dreams of reconciliation and love, only ot wake up again each day alone and heartbroken. I am sure this will get better with time, but for now, my life seems a cycle of survival and not enjoyment, of sorrow and not smiles, and of hurt and not love. It is the most painful thing I have ever endured, and I hate it. So much.

Everyday I pick up my phone to call or text him, and I know that I could. And I would hope that he would answer, although realistically maybe he wouldn’t. But I can hope. But what would I say? I miss you? I’m falling apart without you? Like my friends said- if he had any regrets he knows how to contact me, and he hasn’t, which means that he hasn’t changed his mind, as painful as that is to consider. He hasn’t even contacted any of my friends (our mutual friends) to see how I am doing. The long and short of it is he doesn’t want me anymore. But I don’t know how to accept that. I want to call and talk to him, but would it help? hearing his voice and having to hang up and know that I am not seeing him again, would be impossible. So, I need to not contact him. If he isn’t going to change his mind and want me back, there is no need for me to talk to him again. But I want to, moer than I have ever wanted anything else in my life. I want him back.

I miss him, and I love him. And I don’t know how to change that, but I guess I have to.

 

H x

Heartbreak update.


I don’t even know where to begin. My heart hurts. my head hurts. My body hurts. Everything hurts.

I miss him. So much. I am lying here on a Saturday morning, when nobody else is awake. And knowing I should be at his house. Curled up in his arms. Ready for the rugby today – we had tickets to go with his family, and it is killing me that he will just take his housemate and fill my seat, and my place in his life. I can close my eyes and imagine myself there, I know how his arms feel and what his breathing sounds like asleep, and how his bedroom is, and how when he starts to wake up he often reaches over just for a cuddle. And now that is gone. And I have never experienced greater hurt or loss in my life – even when my grandparents died two years ago, that wasn’t their choice, it was a fact of life. He chose to leave me, he actively didn’t want me anymore, and he chose to do this, and that hurts so much more. I miss him. I miss his smile, and his smell, and his warm arms and his texts and the way he made me laugh. I miss all those times he made me laugh, or feel special. I just miss him. And it is absolutely killing me that with one phonecall he just cut me out his life, like I was nothing, like what we had meant nothing, like it was the easiest thing in the world. I wish I could even think of him moping around at home, but I feel like I have been nothing more than a blip in his radar.

I am so so lucky to have such incredible friends and family around me, who have dropped everything time and time again to be with me and hug me and love me. It just isn’t the one person that I want, and I am not sure how that hole in my life will ever be filled. Last night is the first time I managed to sleep for more than 3 hours since sunday, but its just made me feel even worse! I woke up, and I was sad beause of the rugby today, so I went to text him – out of habit, then I realised I couldn’t and its so so sad. There is no other way to describe this, except hurt and sad and heartbroken. Everynoe says that maybe it was a good thing long term, and that I will find someone more suited to me, and that it will let me find myself again. but I don’t want any of that. And I know it should. I just want him. I want his smile and his love and his friendship, it is all I have ever known and for it to be gone is impossible. Every minute he doesn’t call me or text me to change his mind, hurts. It is another minute he doesn’t want me. Another minute he is moving on okay with his life, leaving me behind as a broken shell of who I once was.

The more I talk to my friends the more I realise it isn’t healthy to just sit here crying over old memories, looking at the photos of the good times and sobbing over never being able to make more. Instead they pointed out all the things that he did that made me unhappy, the things I wished I could change. And more and more I see that it was in a worse situation than I thought, and that maybe he stopped caring about me and loving me the way he should a while ago, and I just couldn’t see it. It is embarrassing to admit that for months I have known that I wanted It to work more than him, and that I was giving up more and more of myself and trying to change and make him happy because I so desperately wanted to be with him. And that sentence alone is embarrassing.  But what is worse is that I still don’t regret it, and that I would probably do it again. I know it is wrong in my head, but in my heart I don’t understand how loving him and wanting to be with him could ever be wrong. I want him to love me back. I want him to care for me. I want him to want to make me happy and have the future together we have talked about for so long. And I cant. I  cant make him love me. But I cant fathom the fact that he doesn’t. How could he not? We had everything we needed. We had so much joy – alongside the sorrow. I cant believe it is done. I cant. I don’t want to believe it. It cant be done.

 

I have spoken to him everyday for over 3 years, without fail. He has been my first everything, completely. I have never even kissed anyone else. I have loved him so fucking hard for so fucking long, and now he has gone, and I have no idea how to handle that. None. The one thing I can say is that it isn’t his fault that things were going bad – I was just as argumentative, if not more, and just as stubborn. But it was his fault that he stopped caring and trying. I can honestly say I couldn’t have done any more, I couldn’t have tried any harder or loved him any more or done anything else. I couldn’t. But he could have. He could have made changes, he could have wanted to work through things with me, but instead he wanted to be selfish and have his own time and just live his life not worrying about anyone but himself. That isn’t even me being bitter- he specifically told me that right now in his life he just wants to be selfish. And even that hurts, he loves himself more than he ever loved me.

 

I just wish I could rewind the clock. Could have held on for that last hug just a little longer, Could have made that last kiss just a little deeper. All of it. I never want it to end.  I wish he wanted me the way I wanted him. I wish he could have just given me that little bit of security. It is embarassing how much I wanted to, and did, pander to his every desire to make him happy, but not once would he do the same for me. And I didnt think that wasnt normal. I thought it was me just doing things for the guy I  loved, but I guess some time a while ago he stopped feeling the same. I wish I had known. I wish I could have tried harder, changed more, made him want it as much as I do. But I cant. He just gave up on me, and that is impossibly hard to accept.

 

I am so confused, and hurt, and despite being surrounded by all these people who love me, I have never felt so alone or so lost. I refuse to believe he is gone. And I know that is unhealthy. But he cant be. I love him too much for him to be gone and to do this to me. Despite writing all of this and being hurt and angry at loving someone who didn’t love me the same, and who I know wont be suffering like this right now – all I want to do is jump in my car and shoot off to his house and turn up and he open the door and smile at me with that wonky grin of his. And open his door and his arms and  his heart to me and let me back in. Please. Let me back in.

h x

Being dumped. My 1st time.


I haven’t written in a long time, and I am not even sure I can see through my tears enough to do so now. But somehow I need to air my feelings, clear my head, write it out.

Two weeks ago my boyfriend said he wasn’t that happy – we had been arguing a lot- and we talked and made some changes to our relationship. He wanted more freedom, time to be more selfish, me to have less say in his life, and not having to focus on other people in essence-  and that isn’t just me doing a selfish summary. I made all those changes that he asked of me. I asked, in return, that he would be more considerate towards me, make me feel special sometimes. But not one day did he do that. He promised me this sunday (just gone) that he would plan a special date, to make me feel special and remind me of how much he loved me, and I looked forward to it for so long. He went out the night before, got home and cuddled me to sleep, telling me about all the fun we would have the next day.

Turns out, the next day, sunday, he woke up, showered, came back and broke up with me. In that moment it felt like my life was falling apart. I begged him not to, to think it through, to give it time. We talked, and cuddled, and made each other laugh and he asked for two weeks of no contact to get his head straight. I dropped him at his friends, and when we left he promised me that he loved me, that he wanted this to work, that he believed it would work, that he just wanted time to think about how we can make things better, using it as a restart break I suppose. I gave him time and space, although waiting were the hardest two days of my life (or at least I thought so at the time). Then Tuesday I sent him a letter via facebook. It was the hardest letter I ever wrote in my life, telling him how much I loved him, and missed him, and with my thoughts on what we could change to move forward. I wanted him to be able to read it and think about it in his own space without my being too forceful. It took me two days to write and re-write and plan, and I poured my heart and soul into that letter. Everything I had. Anyway, he replied instantly saying thank you and he could call me later, sent me kisses. Long story short, he went to play rugby, then he went to the pub and told me to wait up so we could call. Then at 11pm on Tuesday night he called me, and dumped me. In a 20 minute phone call he broke up with me, said we couldn’t talk or see each other again, and my world collapsed.

 

I don’t know how to write this in a logical way, or in a way which can help me to process this, because right now I still feel it is a cruel trick. I know things weren’t great between us for a while, but he was / is the love of my life. My first everything. My first true love, and I thought my only. I promised him forever and I meant it – he promised me forever, and he changed his mind through a phone call. He threw me away like last weeks rubbish, not even being worth a visit or to say it to my face. I feel utterly worthless. I have given him three years of my life, and he has been one of, if not the, most important person in my life since the first day of university when I met him. And yet, he wants this done. He fell out of love with me, or in love with someone else, or just thought he would be better without me. Imagine that. Giving someone everything, and then being told they think they will be better WITHOUT you. He thinks I’m such a negative, shitty human that he will benefit from never seeing me again. There are not enough words to explain my pain. I keep my phone by me every second, hoping against hope that he will change his mind, but I also know he wont.

I will never get to kiss him again. Or hold his hand. I will never get to snuggle my face into his chest and feel safe. I will never have sex with him again, or feel close to him. Or have him look at me like he loves me. Or go on holiday again. Or fall asleep in his arms. I can imagine every inch of him and how he looks and smells and feels to me, and I will never ever have that again. I am shaking an crying as I write this, because I can tbelieve it to be true. Everybody says time will help, that I will move on and find someone new. But I don’t want that. I don’t want someone new. I want him. Not a single part of me was ready to give up, I honestly feel he was the best thing in my life, by far, and now he is gone. I don’t know how to do this without him. I want to call him and love him and hug him, and I cant believe that if I turned up outside his work he wouldn’t meet me like normal – with a smile and a kiss and a “hows your day”-  but now I have to try and accept that that’s true. That will never happen again.

I cant eat, I cant sleep. I have lost 4 pounds in the last few days through stress and sadness. Can you waste away from being heartbroken? Because I want to. I have so many incredible friends and family around me, who are stepping up and stepping in. But I feel like every part of me is cracking and falling off, and they are just acting like a glue to hold me together, but inside, I am broken.

All those memories, all those shared smiles and secrets, they weren’t worth keeping to him. I cant explain my pain, and I have no idea how to. I know I need to accept it is “the end”, to start moving on and focussing on all the positives. To not think about him and what he is doing, but to focus on myself. But I cant. Every minute I just keep hoping that he will contact me, will change his mind. I would do anything for that. But I know that I cant force it. But I wish, with everything I have, that this wasn’t happening. I want him so badly its insane. And I cant fathom that my best friend, my boyfriend, my everything, he is gone. And because he chose to leave me. Nobody made him.

 

I don’t know what else to write that I haven’t already said to someone. I just know that my heart is broken, and shattered, and the only person who can help me is the one who threw me away. Every minute seems like an hour. Everything seems pointless. And I am hurting. So, so much.

H x