I need to get back into this…


I always apologise as if anyone regularly reads these, or notices when I don’t post; but I guess in part I am apologising to myself for not forcing myself to find the time to commit to writing here, and for letting myself own in not maintaining the safe splurge space that this has always been.

I am really busy in life at the moment- trying to juggle three part time jobs, and loving each one, but it isn’t an easy balance to maintain. Ever since my masters I have always held in my head the FULL TIME JOB as the pinnacle achievement, the dream, the marker that I am succeeding, the key point for me to move out, and so much more – and not getting there has been really frustrating, but I am sure very “character building” (eugh, as much as I hate that phrase), and actually, I think is working out really well for me. I love each and every job that I do (most of the time! Lets be realistic here, nothing is perfect!) and I genuinely spend most days excited to go to work and get stuck in – once I have dragged myself out of bed that is! And  actually, weird as it is too admit, I think that this period of job juggling is exactly what I need. I know where I want to be in 10 years time, and I want to work in museum outreach and running programs for children and education, but for now, I cant do that. I don’t have enough relevant, practical experience, and it seems like I need to do a PGCE for that to really work for me; which I just don’t want to do right now. So although this is still a goal I want to work towards, I also want to enjoy the work I do now, build up my skills, have new experiences, and become a more confident, accomplished employee and person.

 

I love the fact I have three groups of work friends, three sets of projects, and three different exciting passions in my life – although it really can be hard, and tiring, to juggle them all. I think I am trying to do better at enjoying the moment and what I have, which for once, isn’t hard, because I really am enjoying work and everything that comes with it, despite the difficulties. And maybe one day (hopefully!) I will get that full time job, but actually, I had the opportunity recently and turned it down, because I wasn’t ready to give up the other jobs I do, and the other paths they are leading me down, and just focus on one- especially if it ultimately isn’t going to lead me to my end goal – as much as I love the variety in the work I do now, and the opportunities I get, I don’t want to commit to something that isn’t going to ultimately be taking me in the “right” direction. It is a weird thing to try and explain, but I hope you understand.

One of the biggest things I am struggling with at the moment is mental health-  and not really just my own, but people who surround me. I don’t want to give details, because, that is their story to tell one day and not mine; but in essence some very close family members are having some issues, and it makes them near impossible to live with. The person in question is constantly blaming others and lashing out; they need help and support, but are hateful and nasty towards those close to them, they need reassurance and want people to change to support them, but continually make little effort with regards to anyone elses life – and this is all because they are sick. I am trying to get my head around the enormity of it all, and this I san issue that has been ongoing for many months, and infact is so much better than it used to be – but this length of time makes me tired it wears you down, and it is HARD to cope with. It may not be as bad as it was, but by now my adrenaline and patience is wearing thin, and it is very hard to deal with. I love this person, with all my heart, and will forever be here for them to help and support in anyway I can, but honestly, selfishly perhaps, sometimes it just is too much.

 

I am trying to take some space, and support them from afar, to help them where I can, but also, to constantly feel attacked (not physically, I hasten to add!), or judged for my flaws, to be constantly made to feel “not good enough”, becomes too much after a while, and just isn’t good for my own state of mind. I used to suffer really badly with anger problems, and am still working on controlling this now, and so to be made fun of for issues which I am ashamed about, and trying to fix; whilst expected to bite my tongue and constantly support someone else – it is just too much sometimes.  It can be very hard to get your head around, and I find the whole issue of mental health so difficult, as I am sure many do. It is so hard to understand what someone is going through and how they feel when you are unable to see the pain, and when often they find it hard to verbalise their thoughts- and in many cases these are irrational thoughts, so to understand them and practically see how to help someone can be REALLY GODDAMN DIFFICULT. Anyway, it is just a little insight into life right now, something I am working on in general, and trying to be a better, more patient person, and help this individual in anyway I can, without letting myself be ground down and made to feel bad about myself, or beating myself up for things that I cannot change.

I think that I need to remember that ultimately, as much as I can try to help, love and support this person, this is their burden to bear- and although I can try to ease their suffering and support them as much as possible, it is something they have to come to terms with and learn to cope with. That sounds so mean, and I feel awful just thinking it, but I cannot carry everyones problems or fix every issue, nobody can; and maybe acknowledging that and trying to segment these things within my life would help to stop me feel as though it is taking over, and sometimes like I am letting it influence every single aspect of my life, and taint them all with sadness. I think that I need to recognise my own limitations, and just focus my efforts on the positive changes I know I can make, and th support I can give, and not worry about the things I cannot change.

 

Deep thoughts for a Tuesday afternoon, eh?

 

H x

 

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One year, One week and One day.


One year, One week and One day. That is how a long I have been single for.

I have been finding it hard to blog recently, because I have so much going on in my life, some good  and some bad, and finding a way to order it into a post is something I haven’t been good at. I feel the pressure of being interesting, and sharing information and yet I have no energy or time to write things I feel proud of. And then I realised, I don’t get paid for this, or represent anyone other than myself. This blog started as a SPLURGE, a place where I could mind-dump and say everything I needed to so somebody – to everyone and to nobody all at once, and maybe that’s what I need to remember, and not get so caught up on all the details. I am using this time to make myself a better, stronger person, and to be honest, I am pretty damn proud of myself.

So much is going on in my life, that I am just going to do some bullet points to get you up to date:

So, last I posted was about crohns was going to a doctors appointment which, surprise surprise, did not go well. My doctor didn’t have my results, as I feared, and was unable to get them for me. I was really angry and kicked off a little, although since I was feeling so ill already I feel like I let him push me aside too easily. I had blood tests done, and went home to rest. The day before I went on holiday they called me to say they had my camera results, and all was clear. Just before they hung up I asked them to check my blood results, which they should have done already, but if I hadn’t asked they would have been missed. Luckily I did ask, since it came back as massively too high on my inflammation levels in my body, which sent me into a panic about crohns, and caused the doctor to worry too. I had to go away, since my flight was the next day, and I rushed to get another blood test done that afternoon. Whilst I was away I was really paranoid, and that old feeling of being out of control crept back in, but luckily the second result was clear, so the flare was probably due to my sickness at the time. I need to book to get another blood test done now, and ensure that I keep them going more regularly, but to be honest, my life has been so busy I haven’t- which is no excuse at all!

My mum got married the week before last, and it was the most beautiful, lovely ceremony. We stayed in Wales for 2 nights with all our family, and the family of my now-stepdad, and it was honestly so much fun, full of laughter and love. My mum looked INCREDIBLE, and her dress was beautiful, and the entire weekend was just perfect. I loved getting to dress up, with all my hair and makeup done and a fantastic dress, and it was just a really brilliant happy time.

I have been working on myself a lot recently, post breakup, and on trying to make myself a more confident, stable person. I think that a lot of my issues stem from when I was younger, and having anxiety about instability, and change. I have been working on my attachments with others, and considering why I am the way I am, and how can I change this. One of the biggest issues I think I had with my ex, which I can see now, is that I relied on him too much. I lack confidence in myself, and have a very low self esteem (on the outside it may not seem this way, but inside, sometimes I really doubt myself) and this means I needed him to give me confidence and support me, which usually meant I was too clingy. The needier I was, the more he pulled away and needed space, but the minute he pulled away, I would feel rejected, unstable and insecure, worrying that he didn’t want me anymore, which clearly only fed into the cycle. This is oversimplified, obviously, but in essence I honestly felt like my life depended on him. That everything revolved around him, and around us, and the way I felt about myself and my self worth was really tied into what I thought his opinion of me was, and that is never a healthy place to be. It is easier to look back on and to see now, and it is something I am keeping in the forefront of my mind as I consider my future relationships, and how I  move forward.  I am not 100000% over him and everything that happened, but I don’t miss him like I used to, I have my own new life now, and he is not a part of it, nor should he be. I am very bad at holding onto the past, but I am getting better, and happier, and stronger.

For now, I am focussing on myself, on trusting myself, and making myself better, and honestly, I think I am a lot happier, and a much better person now, than I was 18 months ago. The relationship completely changed me, and so did he, and although a large portion of what happened was my fault, I need to learn to not place the entire burden of guilt on myself, and to recognise his flaws too; and that he wasn’t my knight in shining armour I once thought he was. Maybe more of a guy in tin foil; someone who is happy to try hard, but honestly just doesn’t, or didn’t, have it in him to be selfless enough to commit to a relationship. I guess that is a key  reason why he wanted to go back to sleeping around. I look back to those last few days, and how I responded, and feel sick that I let myself get in those situations. When I begged and pleaded to be allowed to stay in his life in “any way that you think I will fit” and he would reply that he only wanted a girlfriend at that time “who would be like a dog. Would be around but out the way, and you could just take them out when you wanted them, and leave them at home to amuse themselves the rest”. To be fair to him, I guess that is why he ended it- nobody should think that. But the fact he voiced it to me, and that I let him think that little of me, is mental. I am a different, better, stronger person now, and so grateful for that.

Work is going great, I am doing two part time jobs that I LOVE, and although I am struggling to get the security of a full time contract, I am finding work so rewarding and exciting, and am proving to everyone around me (and myself!) that I genuinely am good at what I do. I have another interview next week, and a few more good applications in the pipeline, so I am feeling positive and excited for what the future holds in this aspect- I am confident that soon I can move out and move on with my life, all while knowing I held out for the perfect job situation in a field I genuinely love, and am good at working in.  Yippee!

I am  also absolutely loving our dog – it was her first birthday yesterday and of course I went all our and forced her to wear a tiny party hat, and attempted to make her a birthday cake. I say attempted because I was too impatient and it turned into a dog bowl full of “cake surprise” (ie mushed up dog cake and  some new biscuits for decoration) but it made us all laugh! And she enjoyed it. I must admit, dog walks are becoming such a craving of mine. I live in a beautiful area, so it isn’t hard to be inspired to get out, but I honestly love it. Even walking alone, which I often do with her on my days off is great. I used to find it boring, and would never just go for a stroll on my own, but with her it doesn’t feel alone – there is company and someone to chat to and interact with, even if that is just hunting for a lost tennis ball together! Sometimes just getting outside into the open, and being reminded about how small I really am in the grand scheme of things, is exactly what I need.

I think the amount of change I have been through in the last year is insane. I am a completely different person. I was talking in my therapy session today (yes, I go to therapy. Yes, I don’t like people knowing for fear of judgement. But that is what this space is for, right? Side note- when I told a few old friends I was going [see my last post about cutting out a few friends who were mutual friends with my ex] they kept saying for every problem or disagreement we had “well maybe you should talk to your therapist about that. Well I don’t think that’s the right way to handle it, maybe ask your therapist” etc. Sorry, but I don’t need it a) thrown in my face in a negative way and b) being patronised as if I have giant issues and cant handle things alone. People can just disagree with you, doesn’t mean they have issues and need help. Side rant over, apologies) – and I just was reflecting. A year ago I could hardly get dressed, was crying everyday, reaching out madly to everyone I knew for help, and thought my life would never be the same. And now, now I am stronger. I have walked the path I thought would be my worst nightmare, and come out the other side. I have been put in situations by other people that I didn’t want, had decisions made on my behalf that have changed my life and how I saw my future, and I have bounced back. Okay slowly bounced/ rolled / dragged my heels back, but bitches, I am here. It can be done. It seems impossible. And some days I still cry for no reason other than I miss my ex. Or I am scared about being ill. Or I stubbed my tow. or whatever. But the tears end. And then you try again.   PS I hate that I sound like a classic Instagram inspirer who says you can get through everything just love yourself, but I am just on  a roll. So go with it.

I am sorry this has turned into such a rant, but honestly, it felt necessary. I also am going to try to stop apologising! If you think this post is too long then sorry, they normally aren’t; but also, it is full of things I needed to get off my chest, and this blog is about me and for me, so its okay for the odd long one. If you have managed to read to this far, then thank you! I hope that going forward we can read more of each others stories as part of this incredible online community. Although I write this blog for myself, to be able to reflect on and see change (which I can admit, there has been a lot of!) I do love to get notifications of new followers or interactions with people, so if you are out there- reach out and say hi!

 

ENJOY THE RAMBLINGS.

 

H x

Little life update…


Ciao amigos,

Hope you are all well. Or at least better than me…for now…since I am currently stuck at home with the flu (or something super similar). LAME. I am a little concerned about managing to fight this off, especially with my rubbish immune system (thanks, aza). I am due to go away the start of the second week of February, and really want to make sure that I am feeling better by then, because I know that normally I just drag things out, and continue to feel ill for longer period of time.

 

I am not really sure where this blog is going to go from now on, obviously I will continue to track my crohns journey, but I am not sure I can keep blogging about healing over my breakup, because its just so messy and complicated.

With regards to Crohns – I have a check up appointment on Wednesday, and hopefully that will be helpful, not only to be able to check in with the specialist but also to see if there was anything new spotted in the camera test – which I assume there wont be, or else they would have contacted me earlier. The hospitals have been so unreliable and badly organised recently, I am concerned that they aren’t going to have all my test results, or it wont be a helpful consultation, and in which case I am going to kick off a bit – this appointment should have been March last year but kept being postponed because nobody could get this one test organised, so if by now (the test was about 3 months ago) they haven’t got the results transferred, I will be so so frustrated! I think I an still in remission, I am not feeling great – a combination of stress, work stress and illness; which I think is all a bit much for my poor body, so am glad I have the day off today to rest and try and heal a bit more!

With regards to my break up – its been 9 months – how crazy! Enough time (theoretically) for my body to make and grow an entire functioning human being, but not enough for my heart and head to heal fully – how is that possible!? Life is better, and smoother, and less focussed on him and my out of control feelings around him, and now I can go days without thinking of him, and it just is such a smaller part of my life.  A fleeting thought, a passing memory, but nothing as important as it once was, which in itself feels a small miracle. I have had a bad few days recently, thinking of him and being unrealistic, and I think the fever hasn’t been helping with the vivid, miserable dreams! But I think I need to just look back and acknowledge how far I have come – maybe its taken me longer than most, maybe I haven’t always handled things the right way, but I am moving forward, and that is the main thing. I have been on a few dates, but nothing major, and with nobody special – and I am feeling ready for a boyfriend again, for that intimacy and closenss, I just cant be bothered with dating! I just want to find a best friend first, and have something go from there- which I know is so rare, but it is what happened with him, and it was perfect. I am having to try really hard to keep on top of my brain, and keep quashing these stupid, harmful memories of him.

So I had a few issues with mutual friends of his, and that hasn’t really changed. I have tried a few times to build that friendship back up, but it isn’t happening. For now, I texted them both and just said that I love them, and want to go back to how we were, but that cant happen until I genuinely accept and am okay with their choice to remain such close friends with him, and honestly, I am not there yet. There is no point pretending, and trying to suppress the feelings because they will always be there silently in the corner, so the only thing to do is work through it, and once I am okay with it, the friendship can go back .Ultimately, to be honest I think they are closer with him now, than with me; because he would never have faced the issues I did, he was clearly over me the minute he ended that phone call to dump me- in fact I think he had been over me for a while before that, so for him, it was never a hardship. Whereas I needed to cut every possible aspect of contact with him out my life, because its the only way I could progress to where I am now, and hopefully keep it going. Regardless, I think I am dealing with it the most mature way I can, with everyone knowing where I stand and being honest; but to be honest I think those friendships are gone, hey are lost, and they cant be got back.

I have also made some new friends, and strengthened my friendship with lots of other people, and experienced things in lots of new places. Life is good, but hard, and funny and interesting but difficult and challenging and all these things. Finally, I am back to being able to see more of a balance. Long may it continue.

H x

 

Happy 4 years, little scar


OKAY, I KNOW I ALREADY POSTED TODAY.

But, I just realised, it was 4 years ago today, exactly, that I had my operation for Crohns!

How life has changed…goodness! And also just over 4 years that I have been blogging here, crazy to be able to look back over all my posts and see just how my life has progressed.  I went back and read my posts from every December over the past 4 years, just to see how different my life has become, and it is CRAZY.

So, in memory of my scar. And THAT day. Here are the things that stick in my mind from that time:

I remember going there, and waiting in my gown and stocking thinsg, and mum taking a photo and I looked about 12 – the combination of lack of makeup, being ill, and being terrified. The Anaesthetist was delayed, so we ended up waiting so long to go in, that my adrenaline kept fading away, then someone would walk past and it would go again. I remember I had just got my ears pierced and was so worried about taking the earrings out for the surgery (had to) and that they would heal over. I said to my mum when she saw me wheeled back she HAD to a) check if I had a stoma, and b) put my earrings back in! I remember walking down the corridor in my slippers and dressing gown when the time finally came. I remember ling on the bed and trying to be calm, but being so scared, and the whole thing feeling surreal. The nurse was talking to me, trying to be nice and calming and asking about my degree and my life, then feeling my limbs going heavy as the anaesthethic kicked in, and being outraged that they hadn’t asked me to count backwards from 10! And then, I remember waking up in this bed, with this lovely nurse with me – I just opened my eyes and was so tired and groggy and a bit tearful. He smiled, and said hi, and held my hand, and gave me the morphine button, and stroked my hair away that was stuck in my face, and I just slept, slept slept. I remember getting wheeled into a lift…and then seeing my mum. And sleeping. And hurting. And asking her to check if I had a stoma. And seeing my swollen, bruised, bloody and bandaged stomach (sounds dramatic) and just sleeping. And then the next few days are a bit of a blur!

 

I remember needing more morphine per dose. I remember being sick in the night. I remember that time lost its meaning  – there was no real day and night, I just slept and watched TV whenever, there was always nurses about and every few hours they did checks, so I never got fully to feel like there was a private night time. the only difference was when my family visited, in the day time. I remember having weird morphine induced phone calls (although they seemed normal at the time). I remember crying and calling my parents asking them to come and save me, and telling them what awful parents they were for abandoning me, those 2am times in pain and all alone, they werehard. But that Christmas day, when my mum decorated my room, and at 2am a different nice, bald nurse man sat with me and chatted. And he had an accent, although I cant remember what. And he was so nice, and talked to me for ages, and made me feel less lonely. Then all my family rotated through the hospital, and we played a game that made me laugh but that hurt my side so then I laughed more at the fact I couldn’t laugh! And I ate a chocolate pot for my Christmas lunch which was the biggest thing I had eaten in days. And I was able to show them how I could walk across the room. I remember my mum wheeling me about in a wheelchair, I remember being unable to walk to the chair let alone the window, I remember, so much. It is is so weird.

I am so proud of me, I was so strong. Not as much as others, I know, but , I was. For me. And I am proud of my family, and so amazed at the pain I was in, and what I overcame. And what I went through before that, to get to that point, and to get past that point. And obviously so much in my life has changed since then, but I am glad to report,  touch wood, that crohns is still one of them. I am, so far, still in remission (after another flare up post op) and I hope to goodness I never get put back into that situation.
I am sorry for the long ramble, entirely unexpected. but knowing what I was doing 4 years ago – lying in that bed, asleep, hurting, confused, with so much still to come…well, it deserves a bit of reflection.

 

H x

Happy Christmas!


I can’t believe how fast time has gone recently – and that it is nearly Christmas! HOW?!

I have been really busy recently, trying to make the most of my time at work, and maximising any potential opportunities I have left. At the end of January my maternity cover job ends (the one I love!) which has been two days per week for the last year. Trying not to get too emotional about it (and definitely not succeeding!) so struggling with the sadness that comes with leaving a great job and an even better team. This means that at the end of January I will only be working one day per week in a Volunteer Coordinator role (very cool) and then having a 0 hours contract in my other job, which is…difficult.

My other job has actually given me a lot of hours ( all weekend based, sigh) for January, so at least my pay check shouldn’t suffer TOO much…but I am definitely feeling the stress/ misery / heart break at having to start the job hunt again. ITS TOO SOON I feel like screaming! But, alas, it has to be. The job I am doing that is on 0 hours is frustrating – I like the role and am good at it, I just got given a kinda of promotion ( in title only) to be coordinating the volunteer team there too – meaning more responsibility, recruitment, creating and running training programs, trips, scheduling new training, bringing in new opportunities for current volunteers etc – so much opportunity and flexibility to bring in new initiatives and really revitalise and improve the existing program, and I am SO excited about it. But, they aren’t giving me enough hours to do the work. Leaving me with the dilemma of not doing enough or not doing it well enough, or having to do work unpaid from home. Neither of which is really an option. Its one of those awkward growing-pains type stages- if you get what I mean? I just feel a little in limbo. Almost settled, but also definitely not. Almost stable, but nowhere near. Almost ready to move out and be a grown up, but with no stability I am also not. Its hard. Hard to keep plodding on sometimes when you think you are going forward but then end up just as far back as before.

 

Something I am really struggling with at the moment is to not compare myself to others – either my peers, or my work colleagues, or just some randomer on the train. I feel like I am not doing well enough at work, or I should have a better job, or I should get better paid, or have a boyfriend, or be going on more dates, or have moved out, or be investing in a house, or be going out drinking more, or be hitting the gym and losing weight, or have better eyebrows or WHATEVER the situation is, I just am feeling a lot like I am not good enough. I have some incredible friends and family, and am really trying hard to absorb the mantra, and remind myself, that we aren’t all living in one path -there may be a beginning and an end for everyone, but (cliché as it sounds) the journey between the two really is a rollercoaster, with a million pit stops along the way, which are different for every person. I can even have the exact same goals as the person sat next to me, but I can reach them in my own time, following my own journey along the way. And even typing this makes me want to vomit in my mouth, it so cliché and over-motivational, but it is also true. I can write all this, and know it to be true, but that doesn’t mean I know how to implement that in my daily life. but, I am trying. And I will keep trying.

I want to get to the stage where I am just, happy with myself. With how I look, and how I act, how I am working, how I feel about myself, all of it. And I am sure that I will get there, I hope I will, but I sure as hell am not there yet.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and new year, if I don’t get around to posting between now and then (possible)

H x

All these thoughts, in one small brain…


Do you know how hard it is to be constantly in your own head? To not be able to just sort your thoughts out straight? Or to not be able to move in the way everyone thinks you should?

To my ex,

A little note. Do you know how messed up my head is, over you? Maybe that’s not fair, it was messed up anyway with anxiety and insecurities messing with my brain, and constantly over thinking everything. But you were that one reassuring constant. And now your not.

Do you know how hard it is to still think you may be a little bit In love with someone, despite also hating them a bit? To think about meeting up with them to try and apologise and sort things out but also to tell them what a cowardly piece of shit they are. How is that possible?

For me to want to see you because I miss you and I want you back in my life because your the first person that made me feel special and Alive like that? To want to apologise for my anxiety ad my irrational thoughts and the strains it put on you and the wedges it drove between us? To want to ask for another shot? To want to say if not, well, I hope your happy because I think your an Incredible person and deserve the best.

But also to want to say how dare you. How dare you abandon me when you promised you never would. How dare you make all those empty promises and false declarations. I can understand the mental health stresses being too much, I guess. although nothing would have ever made me abandon you the way you did to me. But how dare you break up with me over the phone. How dare you make me wait for your call whilst you played rugby and went to the pub before you rang. How dare you send unsubtle messages through my friends about the girls you sleep with and the ones you date, to make it clear how much better off you are. How dare you make me feel like a worthless inferior person, who didn’t even deserve the respect to be spoken to face to face.

How is it possible to feel all these things In one tiny body!

It’s weird. We used to share everything, I think I knew you better than anyone ever had, and the same for me. I could never ever have seen you act this way; and it’s bizarre. Now I hear about the things you do and I am confused. How to put together the guy I know and loved and had so so much respect for, with this guy, who acts like a drunken idiot without any respect or kindness. And I keep thinking if we did meet- what it would be like, and how we would react and what we would say. How do you act with someone who was your everything, and you thought your forever, but then threw you away and now you are back to being strangers again? But if we did meet…would I be meeting you? Or would I be meeting this new version of you, and would this new you even give a fuck? Or treat me like a complete stranger, the way you are now. Would you feel bad when you saw how hard it would be for me to face you? Would you care when you saw my hands shaking and the quiet tears I am sure to shed? Or would you just be grateful you are rid of me?

Who even knows.

So, to my ex. I do hope you are happy, but I wish I could have been that happiness for you the way you were for me. My view on you is changing, it takes a long time to admit I thought you were may not be you anymore, but I guess I can’t deny it any longer. Next time, be more like the old you, he was way nicer.

H x

Little Life update


Hey,

 

so I have definitely lost my blogging mojo for a  while…but I just wanted to update you a little. I am still feeling low, and struggling to get over my heartbreak – but am powering on and doing my best to focus on positive aspects of my job, friendships and family, of which there are many good things for sure.

I have some new job opportunities coming up, about which I am really excited. I think it will help me to move towards some more job security as well as giving me the chance to work in volunteer management and some of the other areas I want to move into. I hope to find out how it will all fit together in the next few weeks, so it is a nerve wracking but exciting time!

Aside from that, absolutely loving my friends, and making more friends through work too which is nice- it means I am getting out more, with a bigger variety of people, and having a nice social life, where I finally am back to feeling more like myself and enjoying socialising without feeling awkward, or ashamed of myself, or like I am not as funny or pretty or clever as the others- which I think I am realising is what I felt 90% of the time when I was with my ex and his friends…an outsider, who constantly had to try to impress people to fit in, and it just shouldn’t be that way, and that constant pressure and knowledge of how they felt about me, eventually was one thing that really got in out way.

My brother is back from Australia, he isn’t very well at the moment so spending a lot of time at home, and I hope he will be feeling better soon! Until then, I am trying to make the most fo the time when he is about, and enjoying having him home again!

I hope to get more into regular posts again, but for now, I have a little lost my love of writing, and feel like more of the same mopey posts isn’t what anyone needs!

 

More to come,

H x