Happy 4 years, little scar


OKAY, I KNOW I ALREADY POSTED TODAY.

But, I just realised, it was 4 years ago today, exactly, that I had my operation for Crohns!

How life has changed…goodness! And also just over 4 years that I have been blogging here, crazy to be able to look back over all my posts and see just how my life has progressed.  I went back and read my posts from every December over the past 4 years, just to see how different my life has become, and it is CRAZY.

So, in memory of my scar. And THAT day. Here are the things that stick in my mind from that time:

I remember going there, and waiting in my gown and stocking thinsg, and mum taking a photo and I looked about 12 – the combination of lack of makeup, being ill, and being terrified. The Anaesthetist was delayed, so we ended up waiting so long to go in, that my adrenaline kept fading away, then someone would walk past and it would go again. I remember I had just got my ears pierced and was so worried about taking the earrings out for the surgery (had to) and that they would heal over. I said to my mum when she saw me wheeled back she HAD to a) check if I had a stoma, and b) put my earrings back in! I remember walking down the corridor in my slippers and dressing gown when the time finally came. I remember ling on the bed and trying to be calm, but being so scared, and the whole thing feeling surreal. The nurse was talking to me, trying to be nice and calming and asking about my degree and my life, then feeling my limbs going heavy as the anaesthethic kicked in, and being outraged that they hadn’t asked me to count backwards from 10! And then, I remember waking up in this bed, with this lovely nurse with me – I just opened my eyes and was so tired and groggy and a bit tearful. He smiled, and said hi, and held my hand, and gave me the morphine button, and stroked my hair away that was stuck in my face, and I just slept, slept slept. I remember getting wheeled into a lift…and then seeing my mum. And sleeping. And hurting. And asking her to check if I had a stoma. And seeing my swollen, bruised, bloody and bandaged stomach (sounds dramatic) and just sleeping. And then the next few days are a bit of a blur!

 

I remember needing more morphine per dose. I remember being sick in the night. I remember that time lost its meaning  – there was no real day and night, I just slept and watched TV whenever, there was always nurses about and every few hours they did checks, so I never got fully to feel like there was a private night time. the only difference was when my family visited, in the day time. I remember having weird morphine induced phone calls (although they seemed normal at the time). I remember crying and calling my parents asking them to come and save me, and telling them what awful parents they were for abandoning me, those 2am times in pain and all alone, they werehard. But that Christmas day, when my mum decorated my room, and at 2am a different nice, bald nurse man sat with me and chatted. And he had an accent, although I cant remember what. And he was so nice, and talked to me for ages, and made me feel less lonely. Then all my family rotated through the hospital, and we played a game that made me laugh but that hurt my side so then I laughed more at the fact I couldn’t laugh! And I ate a chocolate pot for my Christmas lunch which was the biggest thing I had eaten in days. And I was able to show them how I could walk across the room. I remember my mum wheeling me about in a wheelchair, I remember being unable to walk to the chair let alone the window, I remember, so much. It is is so weird.

I am so proud of me, I was so strong. Not as much as others, I know, but , I was. For me. And I am proud of my family, and so amazed at the pain I was in, and what I overcame. And what I went through before that, to get to that point, and to get past that point. And obviously so much in my life has changed since then, but I am glad to report,  touch wood, that crohns is still one of them. I am, so far, still in remission (after another flare up post op) and I hope to goodness I never get put back into that situation.
I am sorry for the long ramble, entirely unexpected. but knowing what I was doing 4 years ago – lying in that bed, asleep, hurting, confused, with so much still to come…well, it deserves a bit of reflection.

 

H x

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Happy Christmas!


I can’t believe how fast time has gone recently – and that it is nearly Christmas! HOW?!

I have been really busy recently, trying to make the most of my time at work, and maximising any potential opportunities I have left. At the end of January my maternity cover job ends (the one I love!) which has been two days per week for the last year. Trying not to get too emotional about it (and definitely not succeeding!) so struggling with the sadness that comes with leaving a great job and an even better team. This means that at the end of January I will only be working one day per week in a Volunteer Coordinator role (very cool) and then having a 0 hours contract in my other job, which is…difficult.

My other job has actually given me a lot of hours ( all weekend based, sigh) for January, so at least my pay check shouldn’t suffer TOO much…but I am definitely feeling the stress/ misery / heart break at having to start the job hunt again. ITS TOO SOON I feel like screaming! But, alas, it has to be. The job I am doing that is on 0 hours is frustrating – I like the role and am good at it, I just got given a kinda of promotion ( in title only) to be coordinating the volunteer team there too – meaning more responsibility, recruitment, creating and running training programs, trips, scheduling new training, bringing in new opportunities for current volunteers etc – so much opportunity and flexibility to bring in new initiatives and really revitalise and improve the existing program, and I am SO excited about it. But, they aren’t giving me enough hours to do the work. Leaving me with the dilemma of not doing enough or not doing it well enough, or having to do work unpaid from home. Neither of which is really an option. Its one of those awkward growing-pains type stages- if you get what I mean? I just feel a little in limbo. Almost settled, but also definitely not. Almost stable, but nowhere near. Almost ready to move out and be a grown up, but with no stability I am also not. Its hard. Hard to keep plodding on sometimes when you think you are going forward but then end up just as far back as before.

 

Something I am really struggling with at the moment is to not compare myself to others – either my peers, or my work colleagues, or just some randomer on the train. I feel like I am not doing well enough at work, or I should have a better job, or I should get better paid, or have a boyfriend, or be going on more dates, or have moved out, or be investing in a house, or be going out drinking more, or be hitting the gym and losing weight, or have better eyebrows or WHATEVER the situation is, I just am feeling a lot like I am not good enough. I have some incredible friends and family, and am really trying hard to absorb the mantra, and remind myself, that we aren’t all living in one path -there may be a beginning and an end for everyone, but (cliché as it sounds) the journey between the two really is a rollercoaster, with a million pit stops along the way, which are different for every person. I can even have the exact same goals as the person sat next to me, but I can reach them in my own time, following my own journey along the way. And even typing this makes me want to vomit in my mouth, it so cliché and over-motivational, but it is also true. I can write all this, and know it to be true, but that doesn’t mean I know how to implement that in my daily life. but, I am trying. And I will keep trying.

I want to get to the stage where I am just, happy with myself. With how I look, and how I act, how I am working, how I feel about myself, all of it. And I am sure that I will get there, I hope I will, but I sure as hell am not there yet.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and new year, if I don’t get around to posting between now and then (possible)

H x

All these thoughts, in one small brain…


Do you know how hard it is to be constantly in your own head? To not be able to just sort your thoughts out straight? Or to not be able to move in the way everyone thinks you should?

To my ex,

A little note. Do you know how messed up my head is, over you? Maybe that’s not fair, it was messed up anyway with anxiety and insecurities messing with my brain, and constantly over thinking everything. But you were that one reassuring constant. And now your not.

Do you know how hard it is to still think you may be a little bit In love with someone, despite also hating them a bit? To think about meeting up with them to try and apologise and sort things out but also to tell them what a cowardly piece of shit they are. How is that possible?

For me to want to see you because I miss you and I want you back in my life because your the first person that made me feel special and Alive like that? To want to apologise for my anxiety ad my irrational thoughts and the strains it put on you and the wedges it drove between us? To want to ask for another shot? To want to say if not, well, I hope your happy because I think your an Incredible person and deserve the best.

But also to want to say how dare you. How dare you abandon me when you promised you never would. How dare you make all those empty promises and false declarations. I can understand the mental health stresses being too much, I guess. although nothing would have ever made me abandon you the way you did to me. But how dare you break up with me over the phone. How dare you make me wait for your call whilst you played rugby and went to the pub before you rang. How dare you send unsubtle messages through my friends about the girls you sleep with and the ones you date, to make it clear how much better off you are. How dare you make me feel like a worthless inferior person, who didn’t even deserve the respect to be spoken to face to face.

How is it possible to feel all these things In one tiny body!

It’s weird. We used to share everything, I think I knew you better than anyone ever had, and the same for me. I could never ever have seen you act this way; and it’s bizarre. Now I hear about the things you do and I am confused. How to put together the guy I know and loved and had so so much respect for, with this guy, who acts like a drunken idiot without any respect or kindness. And I keep thinking if we did meet- what it would be like, and how we would react and what we would say. How do you act with someone who was your everything, and you thought your forever, but then threw you away and now you are back to being strangers again? But if we did meet…would I be meeting you? Or would I be meeting this new version of you, and would this new you even give a fuck? Or treat me like a complete stranger, the way you are now. Would you feel bad when you saw how hard it would be for me to face you? Would you care when you saw my hands shaking and the quiet tears I am sure to shed? Or would you just be grateful you are rid of me?

Who even knows.

So, to my ex. I do hope you are happy, but I wish I could have been that happiness for you the way you were for me. My view on you is changing, it takes a long time to admit I thought you were may not be you anymore, but I guess I can’t deny it any longer. Next time, be more like the old you, he was way nicer.

H x

Little Life update


Hey,

 

so I have definitely lost my blogging mojo for a  while…but I just wanted to update you a little. I am still feeling low, and struggling to get over my heartbreak – but am powering on and doing my best to focus on positive aspects of my job, friendships and family, of which there are many good things for sure.

I have some new job opportunities coming up, about which I am really excited. I think it will help me to move towards some more job security as well as giving me the chance to work in volunteer management and some of the other areas I want to move into. I hope to find out how it will all fit together in the next few weeks, so it is a nerve wracking but exciting time!

Aside from that, absolutely loving my friends, and making more friends through work too which is nice- it means I am getting out more, with a bigger variety of people, and having a nice social life, where I finally am back to feeling more like myself and enjoying socialising without feeling awkward, or ashamed of myself, or like I am not as funny or pretty or clever as the others- which I think I am realising is what I felt 90% of the time when I was with my ex and his friends…an outsider, who constantly had to try to impress people to fit in, and it just shouldn’t be that way, and that constant pressure and knowledge of how they felt about me, eventually was one thing that really got in out way.

My brother is back from Australia, he isn’t very well at the moment so spending a lot of time at home, and I hope he will be feeling better soon! Until then, I am trying to make the most fo the time when he is about, and enjoying having him home again!

I hope to get more into regular posts again, but for now, I have a little lost my love of writing, and feel like more of the same mopey posts isn’t what anyone needs!

 

More to come,

H x

I just feel like a shit friend, a bad person, and a general failure.


Argh. Sat here with tears streaming down my face, and I cant even begin to explain why. My stupid stress and anxiety, and my relationship with my friends and theirs with my ex boyfriend is just bringing everything crumbling down around me, and I just…I feel like whatever I do is wrong.

One of my best friends wants to stay friends with my ex, and we had multiple arguments and awkward conversations about it, but never reached an agreement where we were both happy- because we wanted such different things, and neither could change the others feelings about the matter. I have been weighing up the value of her friendship to me, vs the anxiety it has been causing me. And that may sound callous and harsh, but ultimately I am desperate to stay her friend, and love being around her and the happiness she brings into my life-  but also her link to him, and her bringing him up and talking about him to me, gives me such anxiety it hurts, and everytime we talk I am just waiting for her to drop another bomb about him, another bit of information that breaks my heart just that little bit more, or another new story about how his life is moving on so much better and brighter without me. And, its tough.

 

Long story short after today I spoke to a few people and got some advice and wanted to sit down with her and say, in essence, I know I cannot control your friendships or ask you to not be friends with him, but I also want you to know how goddamned hard this is for me, and much anxiety it is causing me, and how, honestly, I am struggling to be your friend right now. Not to force her to pick, or to guilt trip her, but to let her know the truth about how I am feeling, and how that may impact me, in terms of backing away from her a bit. And  I tried so hard to write it out properly and get it prepared, but then she called me, sprung a different topic on me and it all went to shit. Long story short, she called my ex, told him I have said they aren’t allowed to be friends anymore, then called me saying “just to let you know I called him, said this, and now you win so we aren’t friends congratulations, but I now also hate you for what you made me do so I need to cut you out my life for a bit as well, and see if I can forgive you”. And I feel like I lost a best friend, and I don’t know how it comes back from this. This is never, ever what I wanted.

And it isn’t all my fault, and I hate hate hate the fact that when I was trying to explain the genuine anxiety I get- and how yes, I know many of the things I stress over are irrational and ridiculous, but to me they are so real and terrifying, and so much more; but she almost dismissed it, and made me feel like I could get over it if I just tried harder. But I cant. And I wish I could. Because it had a huge part in my break up, and now a huge part in this, and I hate myself for not being stronger to deal with it, but I just don’t think I can. So I feel guilty, and bad, and ashamed and sad how it all happened, and I would do anything to change it. but I cant. And now… now I just wait and hope that she texts me and forgives me. But I am not sure she will. And that will be utterly miserable.

I feel like everytime I try to fix things, or express myself, or move things forward, I fuck it up even more. And I am sick of feeling like such a failure at everything, and like I am constantly making the wrong decisinos and hurting people at every corner, as well as myself. I wish I was better at articulating my anxieties to people, and helping them to understand me, but to do that I would probably need to understand myself better to….

Sigh. I can only hope tomorrow will be better. I guess another sleepless nightmare-filled night is in order for me. My subconscious just loves to remind me what a bad person I am, and I am starting to get sick of it.

H x

Hey stranger, its been a while…


I don’t really have much to write. And, sadly, I feel like I lost my writing mojo a while back…but this blog used to mean so much to me, a real life line to my feelings and a way for me to process things. But now, now it feels monitored, by my ex. Which I KNOW is stupid, I know that ONCE he bothered to read this, but that was when he cared and when things were different, but the fact that he can read this at anytime, terrifies me. He is the only person in my life I ever trusted enough to tell, so I think that’s why he found it so easy to track me down online – but now I feel I cant write how I used to, as freely as I once did. I wanted to draft a few open letters on here, but I can’t, because, I can’t get my head around it.

 

I am working hard, and enjoying work and doing well. Unfortunately I think one of my contracts is about to end and not be renewed due to budget, but other than the stress of having to restart job hunting, life is good. We have been doing a lot of preperations for mums wedding, enjoying life with a new puppy, and making the most of my newly freed up time to see as many friends as possible.

I need to find a new way to define my relationship with this blog, and with any readers wh are still there. For me, this was never about becoming internet famous, or building a huge following, it was about finding a way to throw my frustrations and fears out into the wind and hoping it would help me process.

On the Crohns front, am booked in for a capsule endoscopy next month, which will be interesting but should help bring up some results about the current position – hopefully showing that it is still in remission!

Hope everyone is well.

H x

Just another kick when I’m down


Okay so this blog has kind of turned into a miserable rant space, but to be honest, that’s all that is in my head right now, so all I can write about.

yesterday one of my best friends went for drinks with my ex, and however much I didn’t want her to go, she did; as she should, because I cant stop her being friends with who she wants to talk to. However, she then had lunch with me today and informed me not only has he been to Magaluf, but he is also dating other people. As in actual dating. As in, with feelings. Which not only ruined lunch (I cried, didn’t eat anything and left) but we then had a huge fight, resulting in a shouting match in her car; because of everything. I over reacted, tensions were too high, she got angry at me, I got angry back. It was a disaster. And even though we have spoke since then and cleared the air, it feels like nothing can go back to the way it was. Not only do I somehow have to process the fact that he has moved on, completely, and that there is no use in my pathetic imagined scenarios for ways to win him back; but also that I am pushing my friends away through my inability to get a handle on my grief, and that is only making things worse.

How can I be friends with someone who is friends with him? Who can see me literally falling apart every day and trying to put myself back together, and yet can sit and have cocktails with him without once calling him out on what he did, and just discuss his new girls. I cant, I don’t know how to do that. he threw me away like I was nothing, and if I have any hope of ever getting myself back to how I was, then I need no trace of him in my life. Up until this lunchtime I have spent hours trying to figure out how to reach out to him, how to change his mind or at least tell him how I feel; and yet he told her to ask me not to. He doesn’t want to hear from me. He has moved on.  How  the hell do I process that. How the hell do I get my head around the fact that a guy I still love, not only threw me away, but has replaced me in no time at all. The guy I thought I was going to marry, and spend my life with, literally doesn’t want to hear about me because he is too busy with someone else. I never realised that heartbreak could be such a physical pain before, its a revelation.

I feel awful for my friends, like whatever I do is wrong, I either burden them with my feelinsg too much, or lash out, or blame them, or something. And it isn’t fair. I am doing my best to get my head back on track, and I honestly thought I was getting there, until today. Until I realised that just the mention of him and his new life is enough to knock me so far down I am not sure I can stand up again. I didn’t mean to lose my friend over it, but I am scared I have. It is impossible to move on and be strong when nothing that is important feels like it is in my control. And I know I am due to see him In a few weeks for a house warming, but I don’t think I can face him. This morning I was planning outfits to weat to win him back in, and this afternoon I realised there is no point. A new dress or a hairstyle, or a witty one liner over a drink isn’t going to change his mind about me. I cant make someone love me. But I wish I could. Because the guy he is in my memories, was perfect for me, and those memories are some of the happiest I have ever had. Having new adventures, full of laughter, with someone who loved me as much as I loved them, it was perfect. And now it is over. And I don’t know how to accept that.

Another day, another set back, another chance to start over and try again to be stronger and braver than before.

 

H x