Trying to adjust to the new normal


So, this is officially a really, really weird time.

Since I last posted I spent a last few days at my aunties house- I had such a nice stay there! I feel so lucky to have such loving and supportive family so close by, who I feel so comfortable being with. It was great to have an extended period to be with my aunt and uncle, and to feel safe in this time of stress.  I had a lovely time there, and managed to get into a routine to try and normalise the weirdness of everything that is going on.

On Saturday my housemate came to pick me up, as they had officially finished their quarantine, and I moved back to London where we are living. It was a  big change for me…it really feels like the people around this area are not taking it as seriously, and are walking close on the streets and in the shops etc, and is really stressing me out. I think my housemates think I am being over the top, but we are all staying in the house / garden as much as humanly possible, and only going out for food when required. We went on our daily walk yesterday, but I actually hated it, it was far too busy with not enough care being taken, so I am going to try and do this minimally. I think for my mental health it will be important to get out sometimes, but now we cannot drive to a quieter area, I think I may struggle a bit more. I need to try going at different times of day, and to different areas, to see how that impacts the walk. I miss being in the countryside and in wide open, beautiful areas. However, the perks of being back here are being with my housemates and having fun getting through this together – we held our own mini “isolation festival” in the garden over the weekend for the three of us, and enjoyed making the most of the sun. I now am looking at a week stretch without work, because of how the Easter bank holiday times fall, and it is very weird indeed. I am focussing on yoga and some exercise first thing then trying to be productive in the morning (eg working on my online course, doing this blog, calling family, doing chores etc) then relaxing in the afternoon. I hope this will help bring some structure to my day.

In wider news…America , especially New York, is still struggling badly. Boris Johnson is now in intensive care in hospital having contracted the virus, and nobody is quite sure how that will turn out. There has been an anger at people abusing the good weather b sitting outside in parks, and rumours that a stricter lockdown may be on the way, where we are unable to leave the house for anything aside for food. This would be a tragedy for those without outside space, and a really hard mental barrier to overcome for everyone.

Signing off for now,

H x

A tricky day at work


So, as I posted about before, I have been put on furlough for one of my jobs, as of today. This meant that yesterday was our only day “in the office” (at home) to organise everything ready to be closed down until the end of May (which feels like a really, really long time away). It was a really bad day for me at work, and I found it overwhelming and much more stressful than I was anticipating. Before I write any more, I just want to clarify that I am counting my blessings that I am living somewhere safe, warm, with food and a job that is still paying me. I am fully aware that makes me very lucky, and that worse things are going on in the world than a stressful day at work – but I set out to record the journey I was going on through the corona virus period, and yesterday was an important part of that personal journey for me.

Firstly, I didn’t expect to be quite so sad about not being able to work. I will, for now, still be receiving full pay, and so on the surface it seems like a pretty great deal, but as reality sunk in it seemed less and less so. I have a huge amount of work to do, and am sad to not be able to crack on and get through the work that I wanted to, it seems like a waste of this time to not be able to be productive. I am also gutted to not be able to reach out and have contact with my volunteers during this time, for a lot of them who are elderly and live alone I feel we have a social responsibility to reach out and support them, and now, because of the legality of furlough, I am not able to do any work emails etc, so that isn’t possible. Also, I have been enjoying the structure of getting up and working from home, and giving some purpose to my days. I am lucky to still be working 3 days per week for now for my other job, and am trying to refocus on positive energy to use the time to relax, learn a new skill, and spend time with the people I love.

Yesterday was not only emotionally quite difficult, but professionally too. I was having major disagreements with senior members of staff within the organisation relating to the volunteer activities they wanted to take place whilst I am off. I am anxious; I have spent two years building up a programme that I am proud of, that is working well, contributing, is a solid community for the volunteers…and I am scared to leave that in the hands of colleagues who I do not think respect the programme and what it means. I am fearful that I will return to work to have to clear up mess, bad practice, and unhappy volunteers. I clearly stated my discomfort, my professional recommendation for alternatives, and that I felt forced into a decision I didn’t want to take…and yet it all happened anyway. It was a very unhappy day, and resulted in a good old midday cry!

Aside from this, I am going to try to use this time to get fit, learn a new skill, start playing the piano, spend time with my family, have afternoon naps and more. I need to balance this between using the time so I feel productive, and enjoying not having to do anything. Trying to keep re-focussing myself on the positives.

 

In wider news, we are about halfway through the lockdown here in England, although I am fully expecting it to be extended by another 3 or 4 weeks, because it is clear we are not over the worst of it yet. They are currently changing the Excel centre in London into  a new hospital facility…or morgue…which is crazy to type. It looks as though the situation in China is beginning to clear, although the opposite is happening in America with New York really suffering badly. It feels as though people are taking the situation more seriously, with emptier streets and roads, and precautions being taken at shops. It is weird now, that then new normal is to actively cross a street every time someone walks towards you, to stay socially distant. Aside from my aunt and uncle I haven’t been within 6ft of another person in over 2 weeks now. It is madness, and yet, it is necessary.

H x

Furlough it is then…


It’s weird, you would think working from home and not being able to go out would give me ample time to blog…but I am surprisingly busy!

Since I last posted they have clarified a few things in terms of the rules, for example you are now no longer allowed to drive to a place to exercise, you must walk/run/ cycle etc from your house, and ideally for no more than an hour. This now means no more can we drive to pick up my dog (am currently staying at my aunties, and have been for the past 10 days because both my housemates and family have had to quarantine) and go for walks in the woods, and are instead restricted to walking her dog near us here. We are lucky that there are plenty of other spaces to go within walking distance, but it isn’t quite the same!

Today I got told that for one of my jobs we will be being put onto furlough as of Wednesday 1st April, and that will last until the end of May – therefore the very earliest we can start back is start of June, and that is if it doesn’t get extended again. This is news, bearing in mind I got a call at 5pm on Monday evening, and that the 1st April is Wednesday…so we have one working day to tie everything up, put a plan in place for 2 months of absence and for me organise this amongst my volunteers.  To say I am stressed is an understatement.

I am doing my best to stay positive, to break up my work day with a walk at the end, to keep a separation of work and private life, to be doing new tasks, talking to people regularly and spending as much time outside as is possible – which is invariably a wonderful pick me up for my mental health. Now though, going forwards, I will have 4 days a week with nothing to do. I need to find myself a new skill! I am trying to look at it positively, what would I normally do with 4 days a week?! I want to also subscribe to volunteer for the NHS, and see what I can do to support in that sense. I need to be careful because of my crohns…although I am not technically taking any medication at the moment, my immune system is definitely not on top form, and all the stress from this situation isn’t exactly going to help it, so remote support may be all that I can offer!

In terms of country wide…it finally looks as though people are beginning to take things seriously and abide by the rules. The police are also stepping up the measures they can use to enforce things…there are road blocks where you are asked about your journey, they are breaking up any gatherings and giving fines, and even using drones to check near local hot spots that people aren’t driving and gathering for leisure. It seems insane, to write that all out, that these are genuinely the times we are living in.

I think, for now, I need a deep breath, a walk, and to put my laptop away. Sitting here typing is making me twitchy, and tempting me to log on and crack on with some additional work before tomorrow and the 24 hour count down begins. Thank god for working multiple jobs, at least 3 days per week I will have something to focus on, and keep some structure in my week.

Signing out for now,

H x

COVID-19 Lockdown, Day 3


So, one of the main reasons I wanted to restart this blog was to act as a journal for my experiences living through the COVID-19 virus, and this current lockdown. Right now, it is SURREAL. It is really weird…sometimes I feel like the extreme measures currently taken are quite normal, and are necessary, and then other minutes I sit back and remember I can now get in trouble for the police for standing in a group of more than 2. What. The. Hell.

For clarity, the coronavirus has been around and serious for a little while now, and the rest of the world have been taking precautionary measures for longer than we have, the UK was disappointingly slow to react, which almost meant that the reactions had to happen quicker when they did get decided, which was weird. We went through a period of “social distancing” when we were discouraged from hanging out in big groups and going out unnecessarily, but people flouted the rules entirely and were not taking the virus seriously. Things progressed and the Government began shutting down unnecessary businesses and services, and also all pubs and restaurants, to try and ensure people were staying home and being sensible. Then, on Monday night, 23rd March 2020, the Government upped the protocol and put the country in Lockdown.

This means that at present we are supposed to remain in our houses at all times, and only leave for a few reasons. This is to try and stop the spread of the virus, and “flatten the curve” to give the NHS time to respond and react accordingly. We can leave home if we are key workers (eg police, NHS etc), to go to the shops (although only one person per family is being allowed in the shops, to ensure it is a small and appropriate shop), a daily one piece of exercise per day, or to pick up medication or care for at risk family/ friends. This is a crazy time. It is the biggest restriction on our daily life since WW2, and it is insane to me that we are actually living through this. All other workplaces are in shut down, and everyone is trying to work from home as much as possible. I know that this seems like a weird and boring recap, but when I look back at this in the future I want to be able to remember the process, and the details, and what it was like.

For weeks now people have been panic buying and hoarding, the shelves and regularly empty (I have NEVER seen anything like it) and there is a shortage of loo roll, pasta and other tinned foods. I understand the urge to stock up, prepare, and ensure your family are okay- but there is no indication of a food shortage taking place, and it is a selfish and privileged thing to do, because there are so many who are unable to do so, and now cannot get their food and are suffering. We have avoided panic buying too, which now also means that we can’t get all the food we normally would – for example the meat aisles in the supermarkets have been empty everytime, so have been choosing other things. It is crazy to me to be writing this, that in 2020 we are unable to get access to all the food and supplies that we would want…and even crazier (and sad) that this is purely due to the greed of others.

Aside from this, there are so many wonderful things happening.  Groups being made to coordinate support efforts, thousands of people volunteering to help (I am looking at ways I can volunteer for the NHS and will keep you updated), a sense of community spirit is returning, and there have also been environmental benefits for the planet given the reduction in activity.  People are trying to lift spirits and come together…everyone here is putting rainbows in their windows to act as a trail for children, and a way to make people smile.

This is a scary time. People are dying. Of all ages (regardless of what people think), and we can’t stop it yet. I already have had both my housemates and some family members have it (though so far, thank god, they have all come out the other side no worse for wear). When will I get it? How will I get it? Will I be ok? Will I accidentally give it to someone else who won’t? How long will this last? When will I be able to hug my little brother and sister again? Will I lose my job? Will I be able to pay my rent? Will everyone I love be okay? How will the world look when this is done? I don’t know, nobody does, and that makes it pretty terrifying.

 

H x

Starting fresh…


So, I don’t even know where to begin. It has been over a year since I last posted here, which is insane. I think it speaks to how busy my life has been – which is generally a good thing, but also, time flies by! There have been so many times where I have sat and thought about posting, but put it off for one reason or another, and that isn’t something I want to do anymore. I like being able to look back at posts I wrote 5 or 6 years ago, and track the changes in my life, and being lazy and non-committal recently means that I won’t be able to do that with this recent period in my life, and that is a shame.

I am writing this as if anyone has been sat waiting to hear from me, which I know isn’t the case, but it feels reassuring to write as if I am speaking to friends- even if there is nobody listening! I am going to do a quick life update for me now, but really wanted to use this space to also track everything that is going on with the coronavirus at the moment- it is a massive, life changing event that is going on, and I think it would be interesting to have a record to look back on, one day.

For now, some updates in my life:

  • I am still working in museums and heritage, and absolutely loving it. I am down to two jobs (by choice, I have made the decision not to work a full time job at present, which is funny reading back on my old posts and how desperately I wanted one) because the multi-site working suits me best at the moment. It gives me diversity, new challenges, and the opportunity to work across various projects.
  • My health – touch wood- is fine. I have had a few scares with cramps and feeling bad, but on the whole I am in REMISSION. Yes, it feels like I may jinx it just by saying it but HOORAH REMISSION. I haven’t been taking any medication for about a year, and am feeling a bit like a sitting duck waiting for the inevitable to happen, but trying to enjoy life for now without my unwelcome visitor.
  • I have officially moved out! I am living in London with two of my best friends from school, and absolutely loving it. It was an adjustment, but one that was so worth while, and is really wonderfully fun. I miss being at home home, and I miss the lifestyle I have there- it is what I want for myself when I find a permanent house, I want to be nearer the countryside and able to take those long walks in the open – but for now where we live is great fun!
  • I am still single (it is weird, this doesn’t seem an important thing for me to mention anymore, and isn’t a way that I would normally define myself or care about….but since it apparently mattered to me a lot more a few years ago, it seems worth updating you on!). I am dating now, and am currently seeing someone for the past few months which is lovely, but who knows where it will go!

That is probably a long enough post for now, but I hope that it gives a reminder of who I am! I think that I want to re-evaluate this blog, and do a redesign and work out how and when I want to post. I want to bring this back to being something I love to do, something that I can pour a little piece of me into as a way to have a safe space to breathe, vent, process and move on. This blog started 7 years ago now, and (unsurprisingly!) I am a different person, and I want to reflect that here. I re-read some of my old posts, and they were painful to read. I have been on a real journey, of incredible highs but genuine lows, and I poured my thoughts and feelings out into this blog in a way that I wouldn’t have opened up to most people in my life. It is weird, and uncomfortable, seeing such raw emotion and personal feelings out on the internet, and I am considering if I want to keep them here, or delete them. I think, at present, I will leave them; they are an important part of my journey and who I was…but they aren’t something I want to focus on now. I want this blog to go back to documenting the highs and lows of my life, but also doing this in tandem with my thoughts on the wider world or my local community. A way to be about me, but also my thoughts on other things, and how I can interact with my world. I want to be able to look back and not just see my emotions, but also how I felt about major changes, how I engaged with major issues, and how I felt about them. So, here is to that going forwards….

I need to get back into this…


I always apologise as if anyone regularly reads these, or notices when I don’t post; but I guess in part I am apologising to myself for not forcing myself to find the time to commit to writing here, and for letting myself own in not maintaining the safe splurge space that this has always been.

I am really busy in life at the moment- trying to juggle three part time jobs, and loving each one, but it isn’t an easy balance to maintain. Ever since my masters I have always held in my head the FULL TIME JOB as the pinnacle achievement, the dream, the marker that I am succeeding, the key point for me to move out, and so much more – and not getting there has been really frustrating, but I am sure very “character building” (eugh, as much as I hate that phrase), and actually, I think is working out really well for me. I love each and every job that I do (most of the time! Lets be realistic here, nothing is perfect!) and I genuinely spend most days excited to go to work and get stuck in – once I have dragged myself out of bed that is! And  actually, weird as it is too admit, I think that this period of job juggling is exactly what I need. I know where I want to be in 10 years time, and I want to work in museum outreach and running programs for children and education, but for now, I cant do that. I don’t have enough relevant, practical experience, and it seems like I need to do a PGCE for that to really work for me; which I just don’t want to do right now. So although this is still a goal I want to work towards, I also want to enjoy the work I do now, build up my skills, have new experiences, and become a more confident, accomplished employee and person.

 

I love the fact I have three groups of work friends, three sets of projects, and three different exciting passions in my life – although it really can be hard, and tiring, to juggle them all. I think I am trying to do better at enjoying the moment and what I have, which for once, isn’t hard, because I really am enjoying work and everything that comes with it, despite the difficulties. And maybe one day (hopefully!) I will get that full time job, but actually, I had the opportunity recently and turned it down, because I wasn’t ready to give up the other jobs I do, and the other paths they are leading me down, and just focus on one- especially if it ultimately isn’t going to lead me to my end goal – as much as I love the variety in the work I do now, and the opportunities I get, I don’t want to commit to something that isn’t going to ultimately be taking me in the “right” direction. It is a weird thing to try and explain, but I hope you understand.

One of the biggest things I am struggling with at the moment is mental health-  and not really just my own, but people who surround me. I don’t want to give details, because, that is their story to tell one day and not mine; but in essence some very close family members are having some issues, and it makes them near impossible to live with. The person in question is constantly blaming others and lashing out; they need help and support, but are hateful and nasty towards those close to them, they need reassurance and want people to change to support them, but continually make little effort with regards to anyone elses life – and this is all because they are sick. I am trying to get my head around the enormity of it all, and this I san issue that has been ongoing for many months, and infact is so much better than it used to be – but this length of time makes me tired it wears you down, and it is HARD to cope with. It may not be as bad as it was, but by now my adrenaline and patience is wearing thin, and it is very hard to deal with. I love this person, with all my heart, and will forever be here for them to help and support in anyway I can, but honestly, selfishly perhaps, sometimes it just is too much.

 

I am trying to take some space, and support them from afar, to help them where I can, but also, to constantly feel attacked (not physically, I hasten to add!), or judged for my flaws, to be constantly made to feel “not good enough”, becomes too much after a while, and just isn’t good for my own state of mind. I used to suffer really badly with anger problems, and am still working on controlling this now, and so to be made fun of for issues which I am ashamed about, and trying to fix; whilst expected to bite my tongue and constantly support someone else – it is just too much sometimes.  It can be very hard to get your head around, and I find the whole issue of mental health so difficult, as I am sure many do. It is so hard to understand what someone is going through and how they feel when you are unable to see the pain, and when often they find it hard to verbalise their thoughts- and in many cases these are irrational thoughts, so to understand them and practically see how to help someone can be REALLY GODDAMN DIFFICULT. Anyway, it is just a little insight into life right now, something I am working on in general, and trying to be a better, more patient person, and help this individual in anyway I can, without letting myself be ground down and made to feel bad about myself, or beating myself up for things that I cannot change.

I think that I need to remember that ultimately, as much as I can try to help, love and support this person, this is their burden to bear- and although I can try to ease their suffering and support them as much as possible, it is something they have to come to terms with and learn to cope with. That sounds so mean, and I feel awful just thinking it, but I cannot carry everyones problems or fix every issue, nobody can; and maybe acknowledging that and trying to segment these things within my life would help to stop me feel as though it is taking over, and sometimes like I am letting it influence every single aspect of my life, and taint them all with sadness. I think that I need to recognise my own limitations, and just focus my efforts on the positive changes I know I can make, and th support I can give, and not worry about the things I cannot change.

 

Deep thoughts for a Tuesday afternoon, eh?

 

H x

 

One year, One week and One day.


One year, One week and One day. That is how a long I have been single for.

I have been finding it hard to blog recently, because I have so much going on in my life, some good  and some bad, and finding a way to order it into a post is something I haven’t been good at. I feel the pressure of being interesting, and sharing information and yet I have no energy or time to write things I feel proud of. And then I realised, I don’t get paid for this, or represent anyone other than myself. This blog started as a SPLURGE, a place where I could mind-dump and say everything I needed to so somebody – to everyone and to nobody all at once, and maybe that’s what I need to remember, and not get so caught up on all the details. I am using this time to make myself a better, stronger person, and to be honest, I am pretty damn proud of myself.

So much is going on in my life, that I am just going to do some bullet points to get you up to date:

So, last I posted was about crohns was going to a doctors appointment which, surprise surprise, did not go well. My doctor didn’t have my results, as I feared, and was unable to get them for me. I was really angry and kicked off a little, although since I was feeling so ill already I feel like I let him push me aside too easily. I had blood tests done, and went home to rest. The day before I went on holiday they called me to say they had my camera results, and all was clear. Just before they hung up I asked them to check my blood results, which they should have done already, but if I hadn’t asked they would have been missed. Luckily I did ask, since it came back as massively too high on my inflammation levels in my body, which sent me into a panic about crohns, and caused the doctor to worry too. I had to go away, since my flight was the next day, and I rushed to get another blood test done that afternoon. Whilst I was away I was really paranoid, and that old feeling of being out of control crept back in, but luckily the second result was clear, so the flare was probably due to my sickness at the time. I need to book to get another blood test done now, and ensure that I keep them going more regularly, but to be honest, my life has been so busy I haven’t- which is no excuse at all!

My mum got married the week before last, and it was the most beautiful, lovely ceremony. We stayed in Wales for 2 nights with all our family, and the family of my now-stepdad, and it was honestly so much fun, full of laughter and love. My mum looked INCREDIBLE, and her dress was beautiful, and the entire weekend was just perfect. I loved getting to dress up, with all my hair and makeup done and a fantastic dress, and it was just a really brilliant happy time.

I have been working on myself a lot recently, post breakup, and on trying to make myself a more confident, stable person. I think that a lot of my issues stem from when I was younger, and having anxiety about instability, and change. I have been working on my attachments with others, and considering why I am the way I am, and how can I change this. One of the biggest issues I think I had with my ex, which I can see now, is that I relied on him too much. I lack confidence in myself, and have a very low self esteem (on the outside it may not seem this way, but inside, sometimes I really doubt myself) and this means I needed him to give me confidence and support me, which usually meant I was too clingy. The needier I was, the more he pulled away and needed space, but the minute he pulled away, I would feel rejected, unstable and insecure, worrying that he didn’t want me anymore, which clearly only fed into the cycle. This is oversimplified, obviously, but in essence I honestly felt like my life depended on him. That everything revolved around him, and around us, and the way I felt about myself and my self worth was really tied into what I thought his opinion of me was, and that is never a healthy place to be. It is easier to look back on and to see now, and it is something I am keeping in the forefront of my mind as I consider my future relationships, and how I  move forward.  I am not 100000% over him and everything that happened, but I don’t miss him like I used to, I have my own new life now, and he is not a part of it, nor should he be. I am very bad at holding onto the past, but I am getting better, and happier, and stronger.

For now, I am focussing on myself, on trusting myself, and making myself better, and honestly, I think I am a lot happier, and a much better person now, than I was 18 months ago. The relationship completely changed me, and so did he, and although a large portion of what happened was my fault, I need to learn to not place the entire burden of guilt on myself, and to recognise his flaws too; and that he wasn’t my knight in shining armour I once thought he was. Maybe more of a guy in tin foil; someone who is happy to try hard, but honestly just doesn’t, or didn’t, have it in him to be selfless enough to commit to a relationship. I guess that is a key  reason why he wanted to go back to sleeping around. I look back to those last few days, and how I responded, and feel sick that I let myself get in those situations. When I begged and pleaded to be allowed to stay in his life in “any way that you think I will fit” and he would reply that he only wanted a girlfriend at that time “who would be like a dog. Would be around but out the way, and you could just take them out when you wanted them, and leave them at home to amuse themselves the rest”. To be fair to him, I guess that is why he ended it- nobody should think that. But the fact he voiced it to me, and that I let him think that little of me, is mental. I am a different, better, stronger person now, and so grateful for that.

Work is going great, I am doing two part time jobs that I LOVE, and although I am struggling to get the security of a full time contract, I am finding work so rewarding and exciting, and am proving to everyone around me (and myself!) that I genuinely am good at what I do. I have another interview next week, and a few more good applications in the pipeline, so I am feeling positive and excited for what the future holds in this aspect- I am confident that soon I can move out and move on with my life, all while knowing I held out for the perfect job situation in a field I genuinely love, and am good at working in.  Yippee!

I am  also absolutely loving our dog – it was her first birthday yesterday and of course I went all our and forced her to wear a tiny party hat, and attempted to make her a birthday cake. I say attempted because I was too impatient and it turned into a dog bowl full of “cake surprise” (ie mushed up dog cake and  some new biscuits for decoration) but it made us all laugh! And she enjoyed it. I must admit, dog walks are becoming such a craving of mine. I live in a beautiful area, so it isn’t hard to be inspired to get out, but I honestly love it. Even walking alone, which I often do with her on my days off is great. I used to find it boring, and would never just go for a stroll on my own, but with her it doesn’t feel alone – there is company and someone to chat to and interact with, even if that is just hunting for a lost tennis ball together! Sometimes just getting outside into the open, and being reminded about how small I really am in the grand scheme of things, is exactly what I need.

I think the amount of change I have been through in the last year is insane. I am a completely different person. I was talking in my therapy session today (yes, I go to therapy. Yes, I don’t like people knowing for fear of judgement. But that is what this space is for, right? Side note- when I told a few old friends I was going [see my last post about cutting out a few friends who were mutual friends with my ex] they kept saying for every problem or disagreement we had “well maybe you should talk to your therapist about that. Well I don’t think that’s the right way to handle it, maybe ask your therapist” etc. Sorry, but I don’t need it a) thrown in my face in a negative way and b) being patronised as if I have giant issues and cant handle things alone. People can just disagree with you, doesn’t mean they have issues and need help. Side rant over, apologies) – and I just was reflecting. A year ago I could hardly get dressed, was crying everyday, reaching out madly to everyone I knew for help, and thought my life would never be the same. And now, now I am stronger. I have walked the path I thought would be my worst nightmare, and come out the other side. I have been put in situations by other people that I didn’t want, had decisions made on my behalf that have changed my life and how I saw my future, and I have bounced back. Okay slowly bounced/ rolled / dragged my heels back, but bitches, I am here. It can be done. It seems impossible. And some days I still cry for no reason other than I miss my ex. Or I am scared about being ill. Or I stubbed my tow. or whatever. But the tears end. And then you try again.   PS I hate that I sound like a classic Instagram inspirer who says you can get through everything just love yourself, but I am just on  a roll. So go with it.

I am sorry this has turned into such a rant, but honestly, it felt necessary. I also am going to try to stop apologising! If you think this post is too long then sorry, they normally aren’t; but also, it is full of things I needed to get off my chest, and this blog is about me and for me, so its okay for the odd long one. If you have managed to read to this far, then thank you! I hope that going forward we can read more of each others stories as part of this incredible online community. Although I write this blog for myself, to be able to reflect on and see change (which I can admit, there has been a lot of!) I do love to get notifications of new followers or interactions with people, so if you are out there- reach out and say hi!

 

ENJOY THE RAMBLINGS.

 

H x