😶


No title, no words, just a face! 

I want to give you guys an update after my relatively dramatic last post- but didn’t know what to say, or how to say it. So, Imma bullet point everything going on, rather than trying (and failing) to write a coherent post! 

-I’m so freaking tired its unreal. How can I do so little, and be tired so often? 

-I’m excited but nervous to see my new consultant next Wednesday – should be interesting! I forget how nerve racking it can be to see the new guy- especially because I think crohns is grumbling again. I need the loo more, I get tired more, I have tummy aches more – no good signs! 

-I am doing pretty well at uni so far, which is nice 🙂 I have been getting good grades though hit a bit of a block in terms of knowing what to do for my next essays and dissertation which is scary! I have spoken to my friend about moving out with her in around August, which should be fun – although it adds stress and pressure with finances to get a good enough job to support that while also getting my dissertation done! 

-having a bit of a confusing time with my mum- who’s taken the car back in protest of “bad behaviour” and arguing (as ridiculous as that sounds) but has had it for months, for no good reason. It’s causing tension and anger – which is ironic because apart fro that we are getting on better than ever! I don’t understand how she can be so nice and kind for some things ,but so cruel for others. For example, as you may know from my last post – dad and my step mum are seperating and she wouldn’t even let us use he car to help them move furniture, or to drive to go visit my own siblings. Which I just don’t understands, and then she’s so supportive in other Ways?!

-my injections never got delivered! Just to add to the fun I’m now behind on humira too. Yay. 

-my boyfriend is incredible. I love him so much, and that’s so cliche and embarassing but it’s true. He supports me and loves me through the madness that is my life, whilst somehow inspiring me to be a better and kinder person at the same time – how can one person be so incredible?! Although him being out and so successful and working and moving out does just highlight how crap I am doing at life at the moment – so that’s tricky. I’m ill, hormonal, insecure and a little crazy; and all of that makes it tricky. We keep arguing too, due to over stubbornness – but I still wouldn’t trade him for anything. He’s is my absolute rock, and I have to say all this mushy crap here because there’s no where else I can say it without annoying people 😉 at least here you guys can escape! 

-and finally, the seperation. Tonight is the first night the kids and my step mum will be in their new house, although dad wanted to be alone so I am at mum house anyway, but it still feels weird – especially with so mc stuff missing around dads house. I’m so sad it’s happening, I want my family to stay together not fall apart further! We went to center parcs this weekend with dad to give my step mum time to move out, and we had a really sweet weekend despite the emotional side of it all. It did unfortunately combine with period weekend- resulting I me crying over a cupcake! But that’s another story 😉 
I’m feeling a little dented and battered in, but I’m soldiering on 🙂 

Keep your head highs up 

Hx

I’m sad and I’m scared…so obviously I’m blogging!


ciao,

I have just today got back from such a fab holiday with my family and my boyfriend in the south of France; and I wish I was back there so badly! It was so lovely to be in the sun and be free from stress and know all those days were dedicated to just sun and swimming and happiness! Although I genuinely felt like a whale for a long time and it’s making me feel very self conscious of my already imperfect body; but I get so tired and a cheeky sugary snack pushes me to where I need to be! An excuse? Yeah maybe. But true. 

My boyfriend got ill when we were there, nothing super serious but enough to knock him out for a few days – and I have never seen him quite like that! It most definitely bought out my inner protective side,  I hated seeing him so ill and down and not himself! Had to be careful what with sharing a bed etc not to catch anything off him (and let’s be honest I still won’t know for a few days I guess) but so far feelin okay! 
I am KNACKERED. We got home at like 3? Maybe earlier; and I just slept. I had fatigue hit me hard and I think it is a combination of travel stress plus being up early plus fear for the next few days, which is most definitely a factor.

 When that plane touched down now only we were plunged into a literal downpour of mass rain, but that pretty much reflected me feelings. Tomorrow I have my grabdads stone setting ceremony (a Jewish tradition a year after the funeral to end the mourning time and celebrate their life); and I know it isn’t meant to be a sad occasion but I haven’t had the stomach to go back there since the funeral and just thinking about losing him makes me tear up every time, so I am no sure how tomorrow   will go. That stresses me out. I have to face my injection again on Sunday, and if you saw one of my previous posts you will know that this went to shit last time, and I am genuinely scared I won’t be able to do it, the pain and the inner strength needed to press that clicker – I am not sure I have it left anymore. Ouch. I have to decide about my future, about my masters or not and my job or not and who i would live with or not. So much pressure on one little person, and I am not sure how to cope. This obviously makes my stomach play up more. Waa. 
   
 
I have included these two photos from the Abbvie care magazine that I just received; both of these seem so relevant to me. I feel like I am moaning and boring and crohns sucks away the essence of me; that I become miserable and no fun and I want that spark that was me to shine through the shit ness and give happiness back to those who light up my life, but I don’t think I am doiggood right now.

I want to share this blog with my boyfriend (if you are reading this then hi, you wonderful amazing person you! 😉 ) but I am scared that I would lose my secret moaning space. scared I would feel I would be restricted in my moaning here, as I am in real life. Yet another decision! 
I can feel myself drowning in feeling over whelmed, and I am tearing up as we speak. So I need to get my ass away from this phone, slap a bit of eyeliner on and a fake smile on my face for this evening and an evening meal with my family. Hopefully their madness puts a smile back on my face
H x

Addicted to blogging? Maybe…


Okay, So I know this is my SECOND blog of the day, and each of these are probably as boring as the last. And the poor fools of you who are following me and getting spammed by these emails are probably hoping against hope that I lose internet connection and am unable to carry on with these nonsense fllled posts- and get ready to celebrate the fact I go on holiday in a day or so and you will get a weeks freedom!  However, I think I am addicted to blogging. You know when you get that feeling, any feeling ready and you want to moan and rant or laugh or cry or share your revelation; well now I turn to here when I get that.

Right now, I may be home and enjoying the freedom and the knowledge that I don’t have to attend work again for a while, but I am also concerned about the uncomfortable and weird feelings going on in my stomach. I am up to date on my tablets (naughty me for missing a  few previously), and the injections (apart from my mishap this weekend) so why does it feel weird? why? thats UNFAIR. I have a colonscopy in a month, but it doesn’t seem soon enough to put my mind at risk.

I can’t cope with being ill. I am already back to feeling the cramps and having to run to the bathroom. To feeling sick for no real reason, to being paranoid about what I eat – as well as all the normal twenty year old fears such as being fat (which in my case is becoming worryingly real!)  I don’t want to be ill again, and it scares me. And I can’t say this to other people, because how can I say the same fears every other day when they have no answers to give me, and I know that. How can I keep telling them the same thing, when they have no  real reassurances to give? I have to blog here because I can’t keep it in or I would go crazy.  I can’t pretend I don’t think about it at least an hour of every day of my life, and I can’t pretend that the future doesn’t scare me. But for now, al lI have is this…this outlet of my fear. I hope it shows other people, maybe just one other person; that being scared is okay. And being paranoid is justified when you have been through what we go through.

Is is the stress of my life at the moment that is going on? Is it the worry about going away, or the stress of work and the big decisions i have to make? Is it the nervousness of going to my grandad’s stone setting funeral? I miss him, and I am scared of missing him even more, or having to acknowledge the gap that his passing has left in my life. As well as many others.

Anyway, whatever it is, I hope that it goes. I hope that my stomach puts up with what is coming its way; I hope that it is nothing and just a bit of tummy ache. Please. And thanks!

If I don’t post in the next few days, then then be happy that I am on holiday and going problem free!

Enjoy the good weather

H x

The scroll of sadness 


(Not a literal scroll…like a scrolling action…in this case down Instagram!) 

Just a quick update of what happens when you search humira , you get reminded that you are not alone and not the only one that finds it hard; but it also makes me a little sad because there are no positive faces; every one of us knows we are on this for a reason; but that doesn’t make plunging a needle into yourself much easier. Or not for me. Not yet…
My stomach is starting to feel weird again, and as I am due to go on holiday in two days I just have everything crossed that it behaves! 

Sending positive vibes! 

H x

  

22 tomorrow…


I think it’s pretty obvious what this is about haha!

Just an update that I have felt pretty poo at points this week, but made it through! Tonight after work am heading to pizza express with a group of friends and my boyfriend for a dinner to celebrate my birthday tomorrow; then a cheeky pub trip added in too! So excited and be so nice for my uni friends to meet my home friends 🙂 

Tomorrow not got much planned aside from wake up, do some presents and go bowling with my dad and family and then in the afternoon will go to mums to chill out with her and my auntie etc – the pressure of having divorced parents and facing two bday celebrations haha! 

Have another hunira injection in Sunday, and it sounds stupid because apart from the first time I have always done it with either my dad it boyfriend and now neither of them will be there to hold my hand! So scary?? 

Next week we are away for a week, and I truly cannot wait! Although I hope my tummy behaves and I can avoid being hit to hard with the sun. I can’t really remember the details but I know on hunira especially you have to be careful with sub exposure. Before any of you form an uprising, I WILL Figure that out before I go; I think it’s important to know these sorts of things – but you can’t blame a girl for not remembering every warning and side effect of every medication; I have been on so many! As long as you are responsible and do the best you can, nobody can ask any more

On that note have had to set an alarm on my phone for 740 (then I will definitely be home) to remind me to take my tablets; what with the new work routine I kept forgetting. Oops! Back on track now! 
Hope your all well and looking forward to the weekend 

H x

Sun, sea…and crohns


hi all! Hope you are well 🙂 

Just a quick update here from me in sunny Portugal – on my first ever holiday with my boyfriend and his family and having an absolute blast (despite the mild sunburn!). It’s weird, my life is so different to how it was a few years ago – yet I would say it has just got better, and maybe In part that is due to crohns and how it changed me (or maybe that’s just overthinking things and this is how my life would have been anyway…just a lot easier!) 
Both me and my boyfriend find out our final university results tomorrow, which is beyond terrifying! But it does make it a little easier with the glorious weather, good company and beaches to take my mind off it! I am due my next hunira injection on Friday but because I am away I have delayed it until the Sunday – so much easier than bringing Ir away! Crohns has been pretty good recently (touch wood) but I am feeling the fatigue, come 7 o clock and I’m feeling super tired and in bed by 1030- which I feel a little guilty about for my poor boyfriend 😦 He really wants a night out on the town but I keep being tired, but I have explained there’s no point waiting For a day when I won’t be, because it won’t come…so they either need to go without me or I will just come and do my best! Another thing that’s apparently reoccurring (as of this morning) is the rumbling….WHY is it so loud?! Gosh! Sat here in bed with a pillow pressed over my tummy to try to minimise the noise so it doesn’t wake him up…not sure im being successful! 
Anyway, overall all is good here, think it’s important to write these posts on good times too – else I will look back and forget all the brilliant things that happen in my life! 
Hope you are all happy and well,

H xx

Absence makes the heart grow fonder…


How weird, I have been posting here for about 6 months now – and I think these last two weeks are the longest time between posts, and I most definitely missed it! Here’s hoping its not going to become an addiction (maybe I could blog about that? the irony 😉 )

Anyway, the reason I haven’t posted is simply my lack of time-I am so fearful of just posting any old rubbish that I have refrained from posting anything until now, until I have time for a proper ramble! So, here goes..

The first week of blog-less-ness was due to nothing fun, a huge pile up of university work meant that my time was spent glued to this laptop with books beside me, attempting in vain to try to make a dent in what I have to do – something along the lines of a group project, a leaflet from a presentation write up, two essays, another group assemblage analysis, revision for two tests and trying to plan the title of my dissertation, ya know, not much…(!) I am slowly plodding through, but in truth it feels a little bit never ending, and I am flitting between them all to try to get some progress made, resulting in none being finished as of yet, which feels pretty shit. Regardless, I also went on a night out with some friends to the Shoreditch pub crawl, and spent some time playing tennis and the like with them as well – all of which was the perfect chance for a catch up and a gossip!

The second week the posting drought was more due to lack of reliable wifi, and again time…and a little bit of laziness (I know, forgive me!). I went away for a week with my dad, step mum, brother, little half brother and little half sister to Lyme Regis – it was loooooovely! My Grandma joined us for some of the time as well; so it was certainly a houseful! We were so lucky with the weather, it was so warm the whole time and meant that we spent a lot of it on the beach…paddling, crabbing, in the sand etc – the little ones couldn’t get enough. It was so nice, its the first time in so long I have spent a prolonged period of time with part of my family; because over my Christmas break I was in hospital and then when I had recovered my siblings were back at university / school, and even then I wasn’t fully myself. So, it was a lovely time to just do not much apart from enjoy their company (for most of the time!).

The only downside to this was my health – nothing on the scale of the hospital trips that I have experienced before; infact not even Crohns related, well not directly anyway. I got a really weird rash – little blobs all over my legs, stomach and back, which had no itch with them, no pain at all, I just noticed them getting dressed. I asked a pharmacist who said it was probably nothing, so I ignored it. A day or so later I got intense itching all up my legs, driving me nearly to the point of tears- it was so unforgiving! It didn’t stop me enjoying things when we were out- but the mornings and evenings were NOT fun! Anyway, we managed to get a doctors appointment who explained the rash was probably a physical sign of a virus that my body wasn’t fighting well (potentially linked to the Azathriparine I am on) and that the rash was probably just dry and itchy skin; so some cream later and I was feeling much better.

Anyway, just an update- I am including some pictures of the holiday (I know, I am very stingy with my pictures, maybe more on that another day) to show you the weather, the British Seaside did not let us down!

Hope you are enjoying whatever it is you are doing in the run up to easter – enjoy the chocolate!

H x

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