Happy Birthday, Little scar


2 years since my operation, and I can’t believe how much my life has changed. No time, energy or inclination for a long post- but I couldn’t knowingly let today go by without posting about it! 

I was in so much pain, so confused and so out of it, and now everything is different. Yes, I still post about hard days and bad days and pains and discomforts but I can live an almost normal life, I can eat what I want , I’m not in agonising pain and I am not throwing up. Today makes me feel grateful. 

Here’s hoping life stays good and happy

H c

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Update…


I have literally 0 energy left to think of an even semi imaginative title, sorry. 

So went to doctors today because I have the worst sore throat, is really affecting me and now waking me up at night, as is the cough that accompanies it. This is not only wearing me down – alongside the headaches too- but is just adding to my general stress and anti-wellbeing. It also means I’m not / can’t take my humira injections whilst I’m ill, which means fatigue is currently kicking my ass and I’m feeling generally worse 😦 anyway I explained all this to the doctor who booked me in for bloods next week, and gave me some antibiotics for my throat in a attempt to get it sorted quicker. 

I am FED UP of being tired. Bored of being ill. Done with crohns and all its side effects. I have been at uni for just a few goes today and I’m done in, how am I meant to cope with a job and a social life? 

Needing a little boost today 😦 

H x

Update…


I have literally 0 energy left to think of an even semi imaginative title, sorry. 

So went to doctors today because I have the worst sore throat, is really affecting me and now waking me up at night, as is the cough that accompanies it. This is not only wearing me down – alongside the headaches too- but is just adding to my general stress and anti-wellbeing. It also means I’m not / can’t take my humira injections whilst I’m ill, which means fatigue is currently kicking my ass and I’m feeling generally worse 😦 anyway I explained all this to the doctor who booked me in for bloods next week, and gave me some antibiotics for my throat in a attempt to get it sorted quicker. 

I am FED UP of being tired. Bored of being ill. Done with crohns and all its side effects. I have been at uni for just a few goes today and I’m done in, how am I meant to cope with a job and a social life? 

Needing a little boost today 😦 

H x

Fom sad to happy all in one call


CHEESE ALERT RIGHT HERE

I am way too quick to blog when I am sad, but this has to be the biggest shoutout to my favourite person, my boyfriend is incredible. I know like  90% of people will have just stopped reading, and to those of you powering on – thank you. (Side note: does it count as a shoutout when you are anonymous, you don’t mention any names and you have no intention of telling said person you wrote about them? Perhaps not…but you all get the gist 😉 )

 

Today is sunday, and I had a fab time with my family yesterday but was feeling the guilt for not working. So the plan was to get up and go to Santas grotto with the kids (my half brother and sister aged 8 and 4) then go for lunch together before coming home for the afternoon and I had planned to work. It is now 1pm and my stepmum earlier decided to go out shopping with my sister, and they have just not come back. It now means we aren’t going out for lunch because we have no time, I wont be able to see the kids meet santa because I have to work this afternoon, I feel like I wasted my morning and my work is going sh*t so I was having a bit of a feel sorry for myself. I had a little text-y moan to my boyfriend, sulked up back to my laptop and proceeded to eat a large handful of chocolate maltester things (which although delicious I now feel guilty for, considering I am more representing a whole pod of whales than a single human being at the moment. FML)

Anyway, we all have those times, but I think I let them get to  me more. I over think things, I feel sad, I feel tired, I let it all get on top of me. I  forget to think about the good and how lucky I am, and instead feel sad for no reason and then spiral – many a good day have I ruined in such a way. Anyway, I sent my boyfriend a snapchat of me eating the maltester things- since he had bought them for me last week or so; and he called me. He called me just to say he loved me. Just to say keep going with the work, just to say he missed me. And I of course promptly burst into tears – great work me. I honestly don’t deserve him. We are having a weekend away to have some space, so I can work and see family and so he can relax with his too – and its weird and I am not sure I like it, but at the same time I am enjoying it – but what I mean is, I am not his problem this weekend, he has no obligation (aside from being my boyfriend haha) to be looking after me, and yet he still is. He is fantastic and lovely and kind and sweet and I don’t know what I would do without him.

I realise this is one of the worst-written most cliché posts I have done (or if there are others worse than this, apologies!) but I had to type it, I had to say it, I want to shout it from the rooftops. I feel happy, pushed back up, lucky and determined. I think having so many shit days with my illness, I am used to just crying to myself, putting on a smile and faking being okay for so long; and now I have someone that I don’t have to fake it with, and who doesn’t care that I screw up probably more than I get it right, and that, THAT is something incredible.

 

On a side note – its 2 years today since I ended up in an ambulance and en route to A and E for 12 hours, how time has changed. Feeling so grateful that I have come so far from there, and so hopeful things never go back. Also a memory of my best friend from uni, who took perfect care of me, called the emergency services, helped me get dressed, held my hand, stayed with me, everything. I really am lucky. Friday 13th of 2013 was a bad day for me indeed, but Sunday 13th of 2015 is a day of reflection and of trying to be more grateful for everything I have.

H x

A little update from a very tired someone


Ciao amigos,

 

I went down to Southampton for another check up with my specialist- involved waking up at 6.15, driving for 2 hours and then a 15 minute chat before another repeat; in total I was out the house nearly 5 hours and its completely wiped me out for the rest of the day!

He in essence said:

– CArry on with both Humira and Aza because although I probably only need one, because signs came back so quickly both is advisable

-Stay on them both until at least the end of my masters, to try and stop any disruptions affecting my work

-If the tiredness gets worse it may be due to things like “the part of me that got removed is meant to soak up and re-cycle bile but because its AWOL there may be excess bile which could lead to some of my discomfort and the grumbling noises” so this could be treated

– Get blood tests every 3 months for check up and monitoring

-Going to transfer doctors to one right by my uni so wait to hear from them (Unlikely that’s going to happen any time soon, lets be honest!) which is exciting but im worried to leave him behind, he is the best doctor I have ever had!

-Go see the dentist with regards to my teeth / gums which keep bleeding 😦

 

 

Anyway, I am not zoned in enough to type anything else. I am feeling a little sorry for myself, tired and a bit fed up (whats new?!) so I will stop now rather than fill this post with moaning!

 

be Happy

H x

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY-BLOG


Oops, I know I just wrote the mammoth of all blog posts, and your probably tired of hearing my voice (or reading my voice? I wonder what voice you hear in your head when you read my words…creeeeepy thought!)

BUT I JUST REALISED TODAY IS MY BLOG’S SECOND BIRTHDAY.

Crazzzzy. How has it been two years? How have we been on this insane journey together for so long?

Been through tears, laughter, friends, boyfriend, dissertation, graduating, holiday, work, a masters, family,  and well… my life

I blog her whenever the urge hits me, and I hope I give you a window into what it is like to live your life with crohns; but also that, having crohns doesn’t have to be the only thing on in your life. I hope you can see that. I will be forever grateful to this blog, and so thankful to my past self for sitting on that beanbag in my second-year at uni room and just deciding to do SOMETHING. Little did I know what it would become.

Anyway, on your birthday you get cake right? Well unfortunately no virtual cake here (and even more sadly no real cake here either…) But I am still going to make a virtual wish…that long may this continue, and may it keep growing and being an outlet for me, and may you crazy people stick with me for a little longer, please! (PS I know wishes are supposed to be secret, so try and just keep that one to yourself ? yes?!)

 

Be happy,

H x

An inspiration of mine


Okay, so plaster on those happy faces, stick those smiles on tight, fasten your metaphorical seatbelts and here we go.

I have SO much to tell you but before I get onto all my not-exciting general-nonsense-ness of my life; let me tell you the story I mentioned in my last post, the happy one. I am still feeling a little grumpy to be honest, and more than a little foreboding at this coming weekend (long story!) but that’s maybe even more reason than any to focus on the happy!

So, unfortunately this happy story, (well maybe happy is the wrong word, proud? inspirational? im not sure!) starts sad. So some of you who have been following my story for a few months (thank you, you crazy few!) may remember I lost two of my grandparents this last summer, both my mums parents passed away within a few weeks of each other. It was horrible, and one of the most heart wrenching times of my life. Am not going to say anymore on that now, else I will blubber away – already a bit teary eyed!- but that’s the starting point of this story.

Before my Granny passed away she had mobility issues. She was very overweight, and therefore struggled to get around; and as she got more ill then her muscles got weaker etc and it was a vicious cycle. We had to come to the devastating realisation she would never walk again, even though she spent months in hospital rehab centres coming oh so close! But anyway, my mum and auntie invested a lot of time and money in converting her whole bungalow to be wheel chair friendly, and also buying things such as scooters that could go offroad, (so she could walk her dogs) and a lift thing to get the scooter into the back of a van without having to drive up a ramp (she was not trusted to do this!)

Anyway, we obviously don’t need these things anymore, and most of her things have been given to charity to help others who may be in a similar situation, but we still had this one scooter. I am not sure why this one had such an emotional attachment to it, but it did. And nobody could quite bear to part with it.  This, in essence, is the story of what they did with that chair, and why I am so proud of them. (Bear with me, it isn’t as dull as it sounds!)

When she was alive my granny used to spend long hours at this vets, with her multiple dogs but also talking to the vets and nurses, all of whom liked her, respected her, talked to her, joked with her, told her off and cared about her. She was overweight, scruffy and a little bit crazy but not once did they treat her like she was worth any less because of it, not once did they make her feel anything less than welcome, and I am grateful to them for that.  So when my mum went down there the other week with the cats and realised something was different, she got involved (typical mum!). One of the nurses basically had got very ill, nearly died, been revived etc and had ended up losing all use of her legs due to infection, I’m not sure if they were amputated or if she just can’t use them. Anyway, she had recovered from all of this, was in a wheelchair and back at work, trying to move on with her life.

 

So, my mum and auntie decided to give her this chair. It specially adjusted to carry extra weight so she can carry things with her, and is off-roading meaning she will still be able to walk her dogs when she wants to. I know it may not sound like much, but this was an expensive scooter and something the nurse currently couldn’t afford, and was something that could so easily change her life. They also bought it down to her, helped her adjust it and show her how to drive it, and promised they would come down again if she ever needed any more help – infact she is going down again on Friday to just see how she is getting on and help her drive it in the car park to feel confident.  Not only that, but they also gave her the lift which gets the scooter into vans, and my mums boyfriend fixed the scooter up , changed the battery and gave it a mini MOT for free to ensure it was safe for her.  They also said, if this doesnt suit you, or you don’t like it, dont keep it. Don’t feel oblige to give it back or to charity; sell it and use the money for yourself and whatever makes you happy and helps you in your life. And all of this not for gratitude , thanks, or praise but just to help someone who needed it. I can’t think of anyone my granny would rather it to  have gone to, than for someone to walk their dogs and live their life to the full, doing what they, and she, loved.

It may not sound like a big thing, but it was for them, and I am incredibly proud of them.  I am SO SO sorry for such a long post, and congrats to any brave stragglers still reading this far – but I just wanted a bit of happy, and a bit of awe in this blog because sometimes I think its gets too focussed on me and my little bubble of boredom, but I wanted to remember, and to remind you – that ordinary people can do amazing things and change someones life.

 

So, chin up, think of something you can do today to help one other person around you, even in a small way.

Be happy and I will blog again soon (a lot shorter! – anyone here DEFS deserves a bourbon and a stiff drink!)

H x