Happy Christmas!


I can’t believe how fast time has gone recently – and that it is nearly Christmas! HOW?!

I have been really busy recently, trying to make the most of my time at work, and maximising any potential opportunities I have left. At the end of January my maternity cover job ends (the one I love!) which has been two days per week for the last year. Trying not to get too emotional about it (and definitely not succeeding!) so struggling with the sadness that comes with leaving a great job and an even better team. This means that at the end of January I will only be working one day per week in a Volunteer Coordinator role (very cool) and then having a 0 hours contract in my other job, which is…difficult.

My other job has actually given me a lot of hours ( all weekend based, sigh) for January, so at least my pay check shouldn’t suffer TOO much…but I am definitely feeling the stress/ misery / heart break at having to start the job hunt again. ITS TOO SOON I feel like screaming! But, alas, it has to be. The job I am doing that is on 0 hours is frustrating – I like the role and am good at it, I just got given a kinda of promotion ( in title only) to be coordinating the volunteer team there too – meaning more responsibility, recruitment, creating and running training programs, trips, scheduling new training, bringing in new opportunities for current volunteers etc – so much opportunity and flexibility to bring in new initiatives and really revitalise and improve the existing program, and I am SO excited about it. But, they aren’t giving me enough hours to do the work. Leaving me with the dilemma of not doing enough or not doing it well enough, or having to do work unpaid from home. Neither of which is really an option. Its one of those awkward growing-pains type stages- if you get what I mean? I just feel a little in limbo. Almost settled, but also definitely not. Almost stable, but nowhere near. Almost ready to move out and be a grown up, but with no stability I am also not. Its hard. Hard to keep plodding on sometimes when you think you are going forward but then end up just as far back as before.

 

Something I am really struggling with at the moment is to not compare myself to others – either my peers, or my work colleagues, or just some randomer on the train. I feel like I am not doing well enough at work, or I should have a better job, or I should get better paid, or have a boyfriend, or be going on more dates, or have moved out, or be investing in a house, or be going out drinking more, or be hitting the gym and losing weight, or have better eyebrows or WHATEVER the situation is, I just am feeling a lot like I am not good enough. I have some incredible friends and family, and am really trying hard to absorb the mantra, and remind myself, that we aren’t all living in one path -there may be a beginning and an end for everyone, but (cliché as it sounds) the journey between the two really is a rollercoaster, with a million pit stops along the way, which are different for every person. I can even have the exact same goals as the person sat next to me, but I can reach them in my own time, following my own journey along the way. And even typing this makes me want to vomit in my mouth, it so cliché and over-motivational, but it is also true. I can write all this, and know it to be true, but that doesn’t mean I know how to implement that in my daily life. but, I am trying. And I will keep trying.

I want to get to the stage where I am just, happy with myself. With how I look, and how I act, how I am working, how I feel about myself, all of it. And I am sure that I will get there, I hope I will, but I sure as hell am not there yet.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and new year, if I don’t get around to posting between now and then (possible)

H x

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Heartbreak update.


I don’t even know where to begin. My heart hurts. my head hurts. My body hurts. Everything hurts.

I miss him. So much. I am lying here on a Saturday morning, when nobody else is awake. And knowing I should be at his house. Curled up in his arms. Ready for the rugby today – we had tickets to go with his family, and it is killing me that he will just take his housemate and fill my seat, and my place in his life. I can close my eyes and imagine myself there, I know how his arms feel and what his breathing sounds like asleep, and how his bedroom is, and how when he starts to wake up he often reaches over just for a cuddle. And now that is gone. And I have never experienced greater hurt or loss in my life – even when my grandparents died two years ago, that wasn’t their choice, it was a fact of life. He chose to leave me, he actively didn’t want me anymore, and he chose to do this, and that hurts so much more. I miss him. I miss his smile, and his smell, and his warm arms and his texts and the way he made me laugh. I miss all those times he made me laugh, or feel special. I just miss him. And it is absolutely killing me that with one phonecall he just cut me out his life, like I was nothing, like what we had meant nothing, like it was the easiest thing in the world. I wish I could even think of him moping around at home, but I feel like I have been nothing more than a blip in his radar.

I am so so lucky to have such incredible friends and family around me, who have dropped everything time and time again to be with me and hug me and love me. It just isn’t the one person that I want, and I am not sure how that hole in my life will ever be filled. Last night is the first time I managed to sleep for more than 3 hours since sunday, but its just made me feel even worse! I woke up, and I was sad beause of the rugby today, so I went to text him – out of habit, then I realised I couldn’t and its so so sad. There is no other way to describe this, except hurt and sad and heartbroken. Everynoe says that maybe it was a good thing long term, and that I will find someone more suited to me, and that it will let me find myself again. but I don’t want any of that. And I know it should. I just want him. I want his smile and his love and his friendship, it is all I have ever known and for it to be gone is impossible. Every minute he doesn’t call me or text me to change his mind, hurts. It is another minute he doesn’t want me. Another minute he is moving on okay with his life, leaving me behind as a broken shell of who I once was.

The more I talk to my friends the more I realise it isn’t healthy to just sit here crying over old memories, looking at the photos of the good times and sobbing over never being able to make more. Instead they pointed out all the things that he did that made me unhappy, the things I wished I could change. And more and more I see that it was in a worse situation than I thought, and that maybe he stopped caring about me and loving me the way he should a while ago, and I just couldn’t see it. It is embarrassing to admit that for months I have known that I wanted It to work more than him, and that I was giving up more and more of myself and trying to change and make him happy because I so desperately wanted to be with him. And that sentence alone is embarrassing.  But what is worse is that I still don’t regret it, and that I would probably do it again. I know it is wrong in my head, but in my heart I don’t understand how loving him and wanting to be with him could ever be wrong. I want him to love me back. I want him to care for me. I want him to want to make me happy and have the future together we have talked about for so long. And I cant. I  cant make him love me. But I cant fathom the fact that he doesn’t. How could he not? We had everything we needed. We had so much joy – alongside the sorrow. I cant believe it is done. I cant. I don’t want to believe it. It cant be done.

 

I have spoken to him everyday for over 3 years, without fail. He has been my first everything, completely. I have never even kissed anyone else. I have loved him so fucking hard for so fucking long, and now he has gone, and I have no idea how to handle that. None. The one thing I can say is that it isn’t his fault that things were going bad – I was just as argumentative, if not more, and just as stubborn. But it was his fault that he stopped caring and trying. I can honestly say I couldn’t have done any more, I couldn’t have tried any harder or loved him any more or done anything else. I couldn’t. But he could have. He could have made changes, he could have wanted to work through things with me, but instead he wanted to be selfish and have his own time and just live his life not worrying about anyone but himself. That isn’t even me being bitter- he specifically told me that right now in his life he just wants to be selfish. And even that hurts, he loves himself more than he ever loved me.

 

I just wish I could rewind the clock. Could have held on for that last hug just a little longer, Could have made that last kiss just a little deeper. All of it. I never want it to end.  I wish he wanted me the way I wanted him. I wish he could have just given me that little bit of security. It is embarassing how much I wanted to, and did, pander to his every desire to make him happy, but not once would he do the same for me. And I didnt think that wasnt normal. I thought it was me just doing things for the guy I  loved, but I guess some time a while ago he stopped feeling the same. I wish I had known. I wish I could have tried harder, changed more, made him want it as much as I do. But I cant. He just gave up on me, and that is impossibly hard to accept.

 

I am so confused, and hurt, and despite being surrounded by all these people who love me, I have never felt so alone or so lost. I refuse to believe he is gone. And I know that is unhealthy. But he cant be. I love him too much for him to be gone and to do this to me. Despite writing all of this and being hurt and angry at loving someone who didn’t love me the same, and who I know wont be suffering like this right now – all I want to do is jump in my car and shoot off to his house and turn up and he open the door and smile at me with that wonky grin of his. And open his door and his arms and  his heart to me and let me back in. Please. Let me back in.

h x

Being dumped. My 1st time.


I haven’t written in a long time, and I am not even sure I can see through my tears enough to do so now. But somehow I need to air my feelings, clear my head, write it out.

Two weeks ago my boyfriend said he wasn’t that happy – we had been arguing a lot- and we talked and made some changes to our relationship. He wanted more freedom, time to be more selfish, me to have less say in his life, and not having to focus on other people in essence-  and that isn’t just me doing a selfish summary. I made all those changes that he asked of me. I asked, in return, that he would be more considerate towards me, make me feel special sometimes. But not one day did he do that. He promised me this sunday (just gone) that he would plan a special date, to make me feel special and remind me of how much he loved me, and I looked forward to it for so long. He went out the night before, got home and cuddled me to sleep, telling me about all the fun we would have the next day.

Turns out, the next day, sunday, he woke up, showered, came back and broke up with me. In that moment it felt like my life was falling apart. I begged him not to, to think it through, to give it time. We talked, and cuddled, and made each other laugh and he asked for two weeks of no contact to get his head straight. I dropped him at his friends, and when we left he promised me that he loved me, that he wanted this to work, that he believed it would work, that he just wanted time to think about how we can make things better, using it as a restart break I suppose. I gave him time and space, although waiting were the hardest two days of my life (or at least I thought so at the time). Then Tuesday I sent him a letter via facebook. It was the hardest letter I ever wrote in my life, telling him how much I loved him, and missed him, and with my thoughts on what we could change to move forward. I wanted him to be able to read it and think about it in his own space without my being too forceful. It took me two days to write and re-write and plan, and I poured my heart and soul into that letter. Everything I had. Anyway, he replied instantly saying thank you and he could call me later, sent me kisses. Long story short, he went to play rugby, then he went to the pub and told me to wait up so we could call. Then at 11pm on Tuesday night he called me, and dumped me. In a 20 minute phone call he broke up with me, said we couldn’t talk or see each other again, and my world collapsed.

 

I don’t know how to write this in a logical way, or in a way which can help me to process this, because right now I still feel it is a cruel trick. I know things weren’t great between us for a while, but he was / is the love of my life. My first everything. My first true love, and I thought my only. I promised him forever and I meant it – he promised me forever, and he changed his mind through a phone call. He threw me away like last weeks rubbish, not even being worth a visit or to say it to my face. I feel utterly worthless. I have given him three years of my life, and he has been one of, if not the, most important person in my life since the first day of university when I met him. And yet, he wants this done. He fell out of love with me, or in love with someone else, or just thought he would be better without me. Imagine that. Giving someone everything, and then being told they think they will be better WITHOUT you. He thinks I’m such a negative, shitty human that he will benefit from never seeing me again. There are not enough words to explain my pain. I keep my phone by me every second, hoping against hope that he will change his mind, but I also know he wont.

I will never get to kiss him again. Or hold his hand. I will never get to snuggle my face into his chest and feel safe. I will never have sex with him again, or feel close to him. Or have him look at me like he loves me. Or go on holiday again. Or fall asleep in his arms. I can imagine every inch of him and how he looks and smells and feels to me, and I will never ever have that again. I am shaking an crying as I write this, because I can tbelieve it to be true. Everybody says time will help, that I will move on and find someone new. But I don’t want that. I don’t want someone new. I want him. Not a single part of me was ready to give up, I honestly feel he was the best thing in my life, by far, and now he is gone. I don’t know how to do this without him. I want to call him and love him and hug him, and I cant believe that if I turned up outside his work he wouldn’t meet me like normal – with a smile and a kiss and a “hows your day”-  but now I have to try and accept that that’s true. That will never happen again.

I cant eat, I cant sleep. I have lost 4 pounds in the last few days through stress and sadness. Can you waste away from being heartbroken? Because I want to. I have so many incredible friends and family around me, who are stepping up and stepping in. But I feel like every part of me is cracking and falling off, and they are just acting like a glue to hold me together, but inside, I am broken.

All those memories, all those shared smiles and secrets, they weren’t worth keeping to him. I cant explain my pain, and I have no idea how to. I know I need to accept it is “the end”, to start moving on and focussing on all the positives. To not think about him and what he is doing, but to focus on myself. But I cant. Every minute I just keep hoping that he will contact me, will change his mind. I would do anything for that. But I know that I cant force it. But I wish, with everything I have, that this wasn’t happening. I want him so badly its insane. And I cant fathom that my best friend, my boyfriend, my everything, he is gone. And because he chose to leave me. Nobody made him.

 

I don’t know what else to write that I haven’t already said to someone. I just know that my heart is broken, and shattered, and the only person who can help me is the one who threw me away. Every minute seems like an hour. Everything seems pointless. And I am hurting. So, so much.

H x

Mental health


Okay so I know I gave up a bit on my daily posts, and I am sorry – I really enjoyed doing them to be fair, the general updates and the ability to chat about something that wasn’t a “this-is-what-I-have-done-in-the-last-3-months-since-I-posted” type thing, and I promise I will try to keep up the regular posting.

I am going through a shitty stage right now. And I don’t think I am coping very well. Or know how to cope very well. And its all a bit tough. I am not even sure why I am writing this, or that I want to – its something that is very recent and raw and I am battling with it, and I don’t really want a bunch of strangers on the internet to judge me over it. But, I started this blog to be honest and true, and a space to vent, and that is what it should be. I genuinely think mental health needs to be talked about more, and supported more and the stigma around it removed, but how can I think that and then refuse to be open and honest about hard times; because the overwhelming need to always act like everything is fine is one of the problems here. It IS okay to not be okay. It really is.

I have always known I am quite an anxious person, for as long as I can remember, and I don’t know if that is a bit of OCD, or anxiety or what, but it has always been there. But in the past year or so it has really been getting worse, and then I cant control my emotions, I cry over everything, and get genuinely worked up and upset over stupid thing. And then in the past few months my anger has really reared its head- and I am ashamed just to type that. (And to be honest the only reason I am brave enough to write this post is because I try to keep myself anonymous and separate from my daily life, so that this cant get back to me. But still. So – if for any reason you do know me. pretend you never read this. please? because if I knew people were reading it, I would never be able to write as freely as I do.) I just get SO angry over silly things, ti the point where I genuinely cant control my rage, and this and all the other things is impacting my relationship, and my family, and mainly me. So, I reached out, to a therapist, to the doctors, I do need help, and I am going to try and get it. But, as a side note, I have a lot going on in my life, and I think it is okay to admit that I am coping with a lot, and that its okay to find that tough.

So, I know this post is mega long and boring already, but here is a list of what is on my mind at the moment, written as a moment of self appreciation for juggling these without combusting any sooner.

  • Unemployment. I finished my masters nearly 6 months ago and was under the impression, given by many of the tutors, that work would be do-able. It hasn’t been for me. I now have a cool job for 2 days per week, starting in 2 weeks, but that isn’t really enough. And its only for 6 months. So what do I do the other three days? What do I do if this doesn’t get extended?
  • General job insecurity – where the hell will I be in a year? do I keep following my dreams or go for security and money?
  • Living situation – moving between my mums, dads and boyfriends every few days is exhausting. I never unpack my suitcase, and constantly move about. last week I reached 14 days moving somewhere new every single night. I just want a home, and a room, that is my room.
  • Boyfriend – we are arguing SO MUCH. and it is mainly my fault, because of my anxiety I am not coping well with everything else and its all building up and I am not being a good girlfriend or friend or person and that makes me hate myself even more. Bleugh. Plus we are trying to live together, but that is on hold because of my job situation, and the fact it is bloody terrifying
  • Crohns – OBVS. always there . always a general haunting threat at the back of my mind, oh the joys. Got to arrange to have some new tests done in a few weeks, so that should be fun
  • Family – My dads separation / divorce or whatever. I found out my stepmum and half siblings are moving house again, further away, to somewhere bigger and more permanent. Not that I was officially told, except by my 9 year old sister who, obviously, assumed I knew. Not. It is a huge stress and sadness in my life to have my family be divided again.

 

And so many of those categories have subcategories and more. And I am sorry if I am selfish and moaning and rambling on. But this is my blog and I will do what I want 😉

No, but seriously. I am having a really rough time at the moment, and sometimes I just need to put it on paper to know that I am not crazy (or not totally at least!) and that I am dealing with a lot, and its okay to not be okay. I just hope that this doesn’t last for too much longer, because being okay is much more fun.

 

Chin up,

H x

Gosh, life is confusing. Day 9,2017. 


I didn’t blog over the weekend – one day was because I forgot, another was an active choice, to spend my time enjoying the day rather than writing about it. 

This weekend I went home with my boyfriend to his parents – which was really lovely. They have a beautiful home, in a lovely place, and it’s always like a mini holiday being there. But once again I fought with my boyfriend, which is wearing me, and him, down. I love him very much, and I know he loves me, but we are just going through a clashing phase – and it’s no fun at all. We decided to put moving in together on hold – which I guess is sensible but I’m a little heartbroken over it. I hope that we can get back on track quickly, and move forward with it 🙂 
So today I found out I got through one stage of job application, although decided not to continue as don’t think the job was right for me- but it’s still reassuring. I also did some more applications, but nothing that exciting. I wish that I knew what my future held, because it’s all so unsure and scary right now.

Sometimes I really feel like I’m driven and have something to offer, and others, I can’t understand why people put up with ms. I’m negative, make mistakes, and generally am feeling like a A failure. So, so. Not sure where I was going with that train of thought, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels it. I just want cuddles and support and then feel bad for wanting it and being such a draining burden on everyone. Golly. 

Guess the only plan is chin up andfingers  crossed tomorrow goes better. 
Be happy

H X

Too much confusion, too few plans. Day 2, 2017


Afternoon All,

So, here we are determined with my second consecutive post (been a while since this has happened!) and not really sure what to say. thus far, I have had a lazy morning, and a brilliant lunch and afternoon talking and laughing with two of my besties, one of whom went home to Belgium today, and the other who will be emigrating in just a few weeks. So, squeezing in a many laughs as possible today.

But, that isn’t of much interest. So, I thought I would revert to using this blog as how I originally intended it – to thrash out my fears and stresses, and hope that somehow that helps me towards a conclusion, a decision, a bit of peace of mind. Buckle up, here we go.

In essence, there is so much insecurity and change in my life right now, and I am not very good at coping with it all . Here is a cheeky list (if you don’t like lists, what is wrong with you?!) of the things buzzing around in my head now:

  • JOB. or Lack of it. EUGH. I know what I want to do, but it just isn’t happening, and that is bloody hard. Maybe any job is better than none. It is easy for everyone to say keep going for that one job, but like 3 months in and nothing except a huge dent in my savings, confidence and ability to start my life.
  • HOUSE. Currently living at home with my parents, which is kind and I love being home, but I am ready to move on and start my life, of my own. I have the option to move in with my boyfriend, which I think I would live, finally having a place of my own! But I don’t think he is ready, yet instead of deciding he is dragging the conversation and decision out, which is really stressing me out. I just want to know my options!
  • FRIENDS. Where are they all going?! Everyone is growing up, moving on and moving away, and it is so hard to keep in contact with all of them, I wish I could just keep everyone I love by my side all the time!
  • CROHNS. Well, lets be honest, I couldn’t write a blog post without a mention. I have an appointment at the end of January to discuss medication options and future plans. I don’t think anything will change, but its still nerve wracking to consider.

Okay, before this blog posts becomes an essay I am going to stop. I know it may seem that I am starting this year off on a negative, and maybe I am a little – but I guess that also means that I have the potential to overcome all these issues in 2017, and have a fantastic year.

 

Be happy and positive

H x

Masters Mayhem


So, I am officially useless at blogging. I used to be really good at keeping you up-to-date, but now my crohns is in remission (touch wood!) it seems there is a lot less worth writing about. Sorry!

So, my 23rd birthday is in 10 days (gulp, I feel so old writing that) – and I am not exactly where I thought I would be by now. I feel way too old to still be at university, to be living at home, to not have a job…but still too young to spend all day every day in an office churning out some inevitably boring nonsense which I couldn’t care less about. So my current dilemma is balancing money, friends, family, work, boyfriend, masters dissertation and the job hunt – all to try and figure out where I want to be, and how I want to get there. Its a tricky one indeed.

My masters is due 6 weeks today, which makes me feel more than a little queasy, and i have currently lost 100% of my motivation and ability to work. I spend my days procrastinating and then feeling horribly guilty about my lack of work – not a productive or healthy way to be spending my time. I am hoping to just push through, crack on and force myself to work; because getting a good grade in this dissertation is hugely important to my overall masters, and it seems wasteful to just be giving up at the end.

On the job front. hmm. So I still want to work within museums and heritage, but it seems so bloody difficult. If I keep trying, theres a chance I will get lucky, find a break, a way in; but realistically it is looking less and less plausible. Only the odd volunteer role comes my way, which isnt going to be enough to pay my bills and let me live the life I want. But then, I am too young (I think) to just be doing a job I hate, for the sake of money. So; the dilemma. How long to keep waiting, to keep hoping, before just going for something else? And before everyone rushes in with “dont give up on your dreams, it will be worth it in the end blah b lah” – try living on pretty much no money, with all your friends moving out and upwards, and being stuck in the same cycle you were in aged 15. Theres a limit to how long you can wait, trust me.

 

The crohns front, my old friend, seems to be happy resting its ugly head for now, thank god. I am struggling a bit with being overly tired at the moment, but I guess the general stress factor can be thanked for that, although I do have a tendency to blame everything bad on crohns – its caused enough trouble :p

Anyway, apologies for the long ramble full of nothing-ness, will try to keep you all more up to date.

H

x