I don’t really have much to write. And, sadly, I feel like I lost my writing mojo a while back…but this blog used to mean so much to me, a real life line to my feelings and a way for me to process things. But now, now it feels monitored, by my ex. Which I KNOW is stupid, I know that ONCE he bothered to read this, but that was when he cared and when things were different, but the fact that he can read this at anytime, terrifies me. He is the only person in my life I ever trusted enough to tell, so I think that’s why he found it so easy to track me down online – but now I feel I cant write how I used to, as freely as I once did. I wanted to draft a few open letters on here, but I can’t, because, I can’t get my head around it.
I am working hard, and enjoying work and doing well. Unfortunately I think one of my contracts is about to end and not be renewed due to budget, but other than the stress of having to restart job hunting, life is good. We have been doing a lot of preperations for mums wedding, enjoying life with a new puppy, and making the most of my newly freed up time to see as many friends as possible.
I need to find a new way to define my relationship with this blog, and with any readers wh are still there. For me, this was never about becoming internet famous, or building a huge following, it was about finding a way to throw my frustrations and fears out into the wind and hoping it would help me process.
On the Crohns front, am booked in for a capsule endoscopy next month, which will be interesting but should help bring up some results about the current position – hopefully showing that it is still in remission!
Hope everyone is well.