Hey stranger, its been a while…


I don’t really have much to write. And, sadly, I feel like I lost my writing mojo a while back…but this blog used to mean so much to me, a real life line to my feelings and a way for me to process things. But now, now it feels monitored, by my ex. Which I KNOW is stupid, I know that ONCE he bothered to read this, but that was when he cared and when things were different, but the fact that he can read this at anytime, terrifies me. He is the only person in my life I ever trusted enough to tell, so I think that’s why he found it so easy to track me down online – but now I feel I cant write how I used to, as freely as I once did. I wanted to draft a few open letters on here, but I can’t, because, I can’t get my head around it.

 

I am working hard, and enjoying work and doing well. Unfortunately I think one of my contracts is about to end and not be renewed due to budget, but other than the stress of having to restart job hunting, life is good. We have been doing a lot of preperations for mums wedding, enjoying life with a new puppy, and making the most of my newly freed up time to see as many friends as possible.

I need to find a new way to define my relationship with this blog, and with any readers wh are still there. For me, this was never about becoming internet famous, or building a huge following, it was about finding a way to throw my frustrations and fears out into the wind and hoping it would help me process.

On the Crohns front, am booked in for a capsule endoscopy next month, which will be interesting but should help bring up some results about the current position – hopefully showing that it is still in remission!

Hope everyone is well.

H x

Interviews done, motivation up. Day 3, 2017


I almost feel like I am writing a ships blog, with the whole “day 3 into the unknown, 2017 thus far…” feel in the title. But I hope that writing the days will help me to keep on track with my “post a day” plan.

I was hoping to upload some photos into this post, to make it a bit less boring – that is something ELSE I need to improve on. Post more, write succinctly, add imagery – ie redo my entire blog writing style, after all, who wants to read these rambles at the best of times, may as well make them pretty!

So, the big dilemma of today is JOBS (can refer to yesterdays post if you wanted to see an original mini-rant on the topic, but feel free to just join in with this one today :P). I am at a crossroads in my career – or maybe the starting block, or a starting block with multiple lanes to run down? Not quite sure which is the correct metaphor, but in essence I have to get a job and start my career and I have no idea which way to turn, or how to do it. Which is stressful. Anyway, today I had a great interview with a “sales and recruitment” recruiter- who focus on getting graduates into these kind of jobs, and YIPPEE they liked me, and have agreed to help me, and I am infact sat by my phone now waiting for them to call to discuss opportunities starting ASAP. Which is great, and exciting, and gives me the potential to earn money, move out, get on with my life. All yay…..

…But. And its quite a bit but (cheeky, not in that way 😉 ) It will mean kind of giving up on the museum thing. I  mean, it wont. I will still keep an eye out for museum stuff, and hope that the new experience and job skills may help in the future. But, I kinda feel like I am failing by not carrying on with the museum stuff alone. By not being strong enough to just say “nope this is what I want, and this is what I am going to do”. But I have done that, for about 3 and a half months now. And that’s a long time to fail, and to have no job and no money. And so I think I might do it. Might take this other job, to give myself experience, and money and move forward. And hope that one day I can get back to the museum stuff. But what if I cant? Am I letting myself down? My family down?  Will people judge me? is this a mistake? Will I hate it? Who even knows. Argh. Its a big weight on my mind, and I am not good at decisions at the best of times!

 

Anyway, crossroads/ wonky starting block/ confused little life path. All must be overcome. At least I remembered to blog, I supposed.

H x

Masters Mayhem


So, I am officially useless at blogging. I used to be really good at keeping you up-to-date, but now my crohns is in remission (touch wood!) it seems there is a lot less worth writing about. Sorry!

So, my 23rd birthday is in 10 days (gulp, I feel so old writing that) – and I am not exactly where I thought I would be by now. I feel way too old to still be at university, to be living at home, to not have a job…but still too young to spend all day every day in an office churning out some inevitably boring nonsense which I couldn’t care less about. So my current dilemma is balancing money, friends, family, work, boyfriend, masters dissertation and the job hunt – all to try and figure out where I want to be, and how I want to get there. Its a tricky one indeed.

My masters is due 6 weeks today, which makes me feel more than a little queasy, and i have currently lost 100% of my motivation and ability to work. I spend my days procrastinating and then feeling horribly guilty about my lack of work – not a productive or healthy way to be spending my time. I am hoping to just push through, crack on and force myself to work; because getting a good grade in this dissertation is hugely important to my overall masters, and it seems wasteful to just be giving up at the end.

On the job front. hmm. So I still want to work within museums and heritage, but it seems so bloody difficult. If I keep trying, theres a chance I will get lucky, find a break, a way in; but realistically it is looking less and less plausible. Only the odd volunteer role comes my way, which isnt going to be enough to pay my bills and let me live the life I want. But then, I am too young (I think) to just be doing a job I hate, for the sake of money. So; the dilemma. How long to keep waiting, to keep hoping, before just going for something else? And before everyone rushes in with “dont give up on your dreams, it will be worth it in the end blah b lah” – try living on pretty much no money, with all your friends moving out and upwards, and being stuck in the same cycle you were in aged 15. Theres a limit to how long you can wait, trust me.

 

The crohns front, my old friend, seems to be happy resting its ugly head for now, thank god. I am struggling a bit with being overly tired at the moment, but I guess the general stress factor can be thanked for that, although I do have a tendency to blame everything bad on crohns – its caused enough trouble :p

Anyway, apologies for the long ramble full of nothing-ness, will try to keep you all more up to date.

H

x

What if I am just writing in circles?


What if I run out of things to say? I am worried my thoughts are all the same, mundane worries and fears, stupid self conscious and self deprivating thoughts as well as general despair about my future! Alongside obviously the ridiculous laughing fits, the happy photos, the loving cuddles – but these are things that maybe don’t come across so well in this blog. I am worried  about posting too much of the same, of being mundane, of being boring. I was so sure at the start of this that crohns would take over my life, and I would constantly have these horror stories to post and this would be my only place to vent truly – and sometimes it is – but crohns hasn’t changed me in the way I thought it would.

it has changed me, lets not beat around the bush here, it has. And I don’t like all those changes, and some days I hate them and resent them. But other days I accept them, and even am kind of proud of them. I hate the fact that I still cannot cope with my injections, that last night my boyfriend was out signing a new flat which he can  in with his friends, being sociable, being an adult, doing what I want to do – and where was I? Crying in bed having just done another humira injection, and trying not to be sick with the headache and shakes that it bought on. How is that fair?? I hate that it makes me feel so different sometimes. I hate that it made me bitter and kind of jealous of my boyfriend, in stead of being happy and celebrating for him, I hate that I only see the negatives sometimes, the fact that our lives will get more different and all I see is the negatives in my situation- I hate that it makes me feel those things – but maybe they were already n me, and this is just my way of rationalising it? But then, I am proud of myself for being a normal (ish!) person – for having to inject myself but not letting that stop me, not letting this disease control what I do. Infact just yesterday I got a letter saying that my most recent biopsies form the colonscopy came back clear WAHOOO. Helps to lighten the grump I was in about having to go get a flu jab this afternoon..i still hate needles!

I find that weird actually (side note) that doing my injections is getting harder. I thought I would be used to it, get less psyched out, be more able and ready to cope. And I am not, I am worse. I psych myself out more, I know the pain doesn’t get bearable, I know that pushing that button is going to inflict pain and in that moment the fact it is helping me be better doesn’t even reach my consciousness, no matter how man ytimes my mum says it! All I know is that when I push that button it is going to hurt, and I will hate it. Sometimes I do my count down and swear I move my thumb but it just refuses on its own! But that a whole other blog post 😉

Anyway, I am not really sure what the whole aim of this was, it was pretty rambling and more than a little confused, and I am sorry! It is an honest insight into the mses which is my head right now – enjoy 😉 I hope to keep posting regurlarly, and that means not making something more dramatic or ridiculous than it is, if my life is pretty quiet then so will my posts!

Hope you are all happy,

H x

Decisions are my enemy


So I’m starting to settle into work, I could get used to the money and move out and enjoy life as it is 

Or I could do my masters and it be a massive risk and be broke and maybe stuck at home but maybe Doug an amazing course and getting me to a dream job and enjoying it so much more than what I do now. 

To top it off my tummy is fekmg weird and wrong. And my colonoscopy is on Tuesday. I am STRESSED and unsure about my future. 

Do I play it safe or risk it? Either could be amazing but both could be shit and trapping me. And I have to decide on my own. I wanted that masters, so badly. But now I am more tempted to stay. Help me. 

I feel too young to be making these decisions myself, ones that can truly affect my future so hugely and my debt and my career path. Gulp. 

H x

just keep swimming…just keep swimming…


  I highly doubt that it is only me that feels this way, in fact I have heard others express these feelings before – but maybe it does everybody good to know that others get stuck in this rut too? The one where you feel like you FINALLY have got things starting to move forward before one day, or one person, one word or one action, one thing or one look throws you back to square one and you just want to cry. I don’t understand how life can be this complicated! It is one thing to try to keep your chin up, to be positive, to wait for a better tomorrow – but sometimes it seems like I am stuck at not just a crossroads but a spiders web of paths none of which seem right but all of which seem just that little bit appealing. I don’t know which to take, which will make me and others happiest and lead to an end with the least regrets and the most giggles. How do you know? And how, when you start walking down one do you stop yourself from panicking and backtracking? Because that is what I keep doing, trying and trying and getting too scared and coming back to this madness point and I don’t understand how to choose. I have always been indecisive, but a new level of confusion is something else.

 

Depressing posts these last few times – not fun, eh! Apologies. Crohnies is alright at the moment, haven’t taken my tablets yet today since it is all still packed up from the move home after university, but going to have to dig them out tonight! I am still so scared for Friday the 13th (see the last post!) so we can see how that turns out. I think I just feel like I am juggling too many flaming knives, and that each time I have a near miss I come a little bit closer to being burned even worse. HOW DRAMATIC AM I. Apologies for the doom and gloom, I shall give myself a slap on the hand for wallowing, grab a bar of choc and head to the sun for some Vitamin D and to get over myself and move on. Or try to.

 

Enjoy the picture below – makes me smile!

 

H x

 

Image (Here’s Hoping. H x)