Happy Birthday, Little scar


2 years since my operation, and I can’t believe how much my life has changed. No time, energy or inclination for a long post- but I couldn’t knowingly let today go by without posting about it! 

I was in so much pain, so confused and so out of it, and now everything is different. Yes, I still post about hard days and bad days and pains and discomforts but I can live an almost normal life, I can eat what I want , I’m not in agonising pain and I am not throwing up. Today makes me feel grateful. 

Here’s hoping life stays good and happy

H c

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY-BLOG


Oops, I know I just wrote the mammoth of all blog posts, and your probably tired of hearing my voice (or reading my voice? I wonder what voice you hear in your head when you read my words…creeeeepy thought!)

BUT I JUST REALISED TODAY IS MY BLOG’S SECOND BIRTHDAY.

Crazzzzy. How has it been two years? How have we been on this insane journey together for so long?

Been through tears, laughter, friends, boyfriend, dissertation, graduating, holiday, work, a masters, family,  and well… my life

I blog her whenever the urge hits me, and I hope I give you a window into what it is like to live your life with crohns; but also that, having crohns doesn’t have to be the only thing on in your life. I hope you can see that. I will be forever grateful to this blog, and so thankful to my past self for sitting on that beanbag in my second-year at uni room and just deciding to do SOMETHING. Little did I know what it would become.

Anyway, on your birthday you get cake right? Well unfortunately no virtual cake here (and even more sadly no real cake here either…) But I am still going to make a virtual wish…that long may this continue, and may it keep growing and being an outlet for me, and may you crazy people stick with me for a little longer, please! (PS I know wishes are supposed to be secret, so try and just keep that one to yourself ? yes?!)

 

Be happy,

H x

Higher than high and lower than low 


Hi guys,

The last like 48 hours have been the perfect example of crohns; I have flown higher than high and felt so happy I was crying with laughter; and so low I question how I am meant to keep doing this, and how this hurts. It also showed me that although a lot of this blog and this illness is about me, the way that it affects me also depends on how those around me act and cope with it. When you get scared and you need someone else to be brave for you, or when you get tired and need someone to say that it’s okay. 

I don’t have any aim for this post, I don’t really know what I wanted to say; I just wanted to say something. I am officially 22; and can’t believe how old I am haha! I finished work o n Friday and got home as quick as I could to get changed and ready to go meet my friends for a birthday dinner. It was so so lovely, I had some of my closest friends with me (some couldn’t make it , but enough to did and it was lovely!) and I got to spend time with people that make me laugh and happy and it was so nice to have my boyfriend and uni friends and home friends all together and happy and …it was lovey! We had dinner then went to the pub and had one of those slow drinking nights bumping into old friends and crying with laughter at old stories and new friendships until the early hours! And then I got to go home and wake up the next day on my birthday with my best friend beside me, and my boyfriend stayed the whole day and night and it made my birthday just that bit better! 

So for my birthday we did some presents and hung out with my dad and the kids. We had breakfast and went bowling and went for lunch- and it was so happy and nice; in part because I was insane at bowling and won by a long time haha! Then in the afternoon I came to see mum and hang out at home with my autie and uncle and brother (and the boyf) and played some games and ate some pizza and it was s chilled and lovely! 

My stomach did start to play up a little, I was hit by a few waves of nausea and the odd cramping but it wasn’t enough to put a damper on my evening, and was never going to brig me down! Today though, today was the downside. I slept for ages, maybe 10 hours and still am knackered at just 3.30. I had to get up several times in the night from not feeling great; which eas the first time in ages my stomach has woken me up 😦 but it was alright. Today I had to do my injections and I had planned to take photos for this blog post, but I couldn’t. I panicked and got scared. 

Humira. Injections. Needles. Pain. I have got so much better at doing it, all I need is my tissue for any bleeding, the injection and a hand to hold tight and I just line it up and get in with it! You know it is going to hurt but you can hold your breath and get it done and know that it will be oaky after. But it is scary and noisy and painful and unpleasant. And I get scared everytime.

Today, it hurt so badly. Honestly, I couldn’t. I psyched myself out so badly, I got my thing all lined up and ready to go I did my countdown, my boyfriend did the countdown, but my thumb just wouldn’t work. It hurts. And when I finally pressed that button and heard that god forsaken click, it hurt so badly. I swear it hurt more than before, I can’t explain that pain and then that panic that followed. I cried, and it hurt and the pain was horrible and .,..and apparently I have lost the ability to articulate but that pain and that fear and that panic is indescribable. And that self control to hold the needle in knowing that it is hurting. It is the hardest mix ever. 

I finally heard the click and took he needle out; just to see a dribble of liquid come out down my side, and bubble by the injection point. That meant is didn’t go back in properly. That means I didn’t get my full dose. I hurt myself so badly but it seems like it was for nothing because it didn’t even all go in. What am I going to do? Will it still be effective?  Please, please don’t have them say I have to do anther injection. I just cried. My poor boyfriend, he is beyond amazing at it, he has such a needle phobia but still stoutly sits there every time and holds my hands and comforts me, and I can never say thank you enough. But still, it crushed me. How can I still not get it right- what did I do wrong? The pain was so much worse than normal did I pull it out too early? Did I not press hard enough? How , HOW am I going to get myself to do that again in two weeks? I have read so many things about people having panic attacks before hand, and I thought I was doing well and had it under control, but I don’t I am scared; so so scared. And now I am sat under a blanket trying to pretend I never have to do it again, so tired out both physically and emotionally and just wishing that these injections weren’t a part of my life. 

It’s been a roller coaster! 

I just want the next few days to be sorb so I can go on holiday and enjoy the time I have off. I still need to figure out the whole sun / sun cream thing. Need to figure out how to get over this fear and so much more. 

So overwhelmed 😦 

H x

22 tomorrow…


I think it’s pretty obvious what this is about haha!

Just an update that I have felt pretty poo at points this week, but made it through! Tonight after work am heading to pizza express with a group of friends and my boyfriend for a dinner to celebrate my birthday tomorrow; then a cheeky pub trip added in too! So excited and be so nice for my uni friends to meet my home friends 🙂 

Tomorrow not got much planned aside from wake up, do some presents and go bowling with my dad and family and then in the afternoon will go to mums to chill out with her and my auntie etc – the pressure of having divorced parents and facing two bday celebrations haha! 

Have another hunira injection in Sunday, and it sounds stupid because apart from the first time I have always done it with either my dad it boyfriend and now neither of them will be there to hold my hand! So scary?? 

Next week we are away for a week, and I truly cannot wait! Although I hope my tummy behaves and I can avoid being hit to hard with the sun. I can’t really remember the details but I know on hunira especially you have to be careful with sub exposure. Before any of you form an uprising, I WILL Figure that out before I go; I think it’s important to know these sorts of things – but you can’t blame a girl for not remembering every warning and side effect of every medication; I have been on so many! As long as you are responsible and do the best you can, nobody can ask any more

On that note have had to set an alarm on my phone for 740 (then I will definitely be home) to remind me to take my tablets; what with the new work routine I kept forgetting. Oops! Back on track now! 
Hope your all well and looking forward to the weekend 

H x

The quicker today ends the better 


I am having a serious bum of a day right now 

I guess it was fine, I just wish it would have been better. Enjoy a broken up, rambling post. Apologies. 
Have been SO tired all day, so so tired and struggling. It makes work harder and life harder and being happy harder. 

Here is my list of current problems: 

-it is my step mums birthday I got home and everyone has been out for the past hour and a bit, glad I rushed back

– was promised takeaway and now we aren’t having it (okay this is a spoilt cow kind of moan, but whilst I am moaning WHY NOT. After today I felt like I deserved one) 

– I am really tired, like really.

– I’m frustrated at people. At my boyfriend. At my friend. At people who sometimes don’t understand me 

– I’m so angry at my brother. I bought my step mums all her presents for her 40th, as of yet no offer to pay his half, he hasn’t wrapped them and he went to football instead of coming over so we could give them to her. What a selfish and arrogant move

-I found some stuff j didn’t want to, just a medical thing and nothing bad but fristrating. And since I have to keep working, then I can’t get the time off to sort it

-stressing about how to ask for yet more time off work 

– I feel like an absolute whale. I don’t know if it’s anything to do with my medication (or if that’s just me avoiding the fact) but I am constantly so hungry, and seen to be piling on the pounds even when i try to eat less. And j am going away in 10 days and am more stressed about looking awful than I have been in years. 

Eugh. I have ti wait for my step mum to get home, to say happy birthday. But all I want to do is get in my PJs, under my covers and not come out for a long time. 

SOS please?

H x

Crohns is a bitch.


im done with all the nice talks and the motivational posts, they are not okay for today. 

Just finished university forever yesterday- happy days! Went out last night and woke up this morning with crohns pains live and kicking ; and for anybody reading who thinks I’m overreacting with a hangover you have quite clearly never experienced the discomfort and quite specific painful feeling to which I am now referring. I don’t know if this is linked to starting Humira, or if it is because of the stress of exams or what- all I do know is it is shit and so freaking unfair. 

My best friends birthday is tomorrow and our mutual French friend is over visiting so I made a massive effort to come home early to see her but felt so nauseous, shaky and fatigued that I didn’t even make the whole walk into town and have spent the afternoon alone and crying, in the bathroom and snuggled up and generally feeling more than a little sorry for myself. How am I meant to do the next two birthday nights? I got tired just walking upstairs to get a pillow. 

Life feels so so so unfair right now and I’m not okay with this. I have too much on and I can’t cope with it all. I can’t. It’s not fair. I want someone to help me. Do this with me. Apparently any writing ability I may once have possessed left me in my anger because this post is just a repetitive scrambled up mess – but then maybe that pretty accurately represents my life.
Could do with some serious hugs and TLC right now 
H x

Birthdays, Cake and Itching


So I went home for this weekend for one of my little brothers birthdays – he was 3 on sunday, and literally adorable! We had such a lovely weekend in the sun, and my other brother was home too which was really nice 🙂 had  a family filled weekend, and it was just what I needed! Ate way too much birthday cake, laughed pretty much the whole time and had a massive catch up with them all, just perfect!

 

Anyway I drove back to uni yesterday and had a pretty standard day in lectures; and went to trampolining in the evening from 8-10 which was such good fun!  I used to do it back at school, but haven’t done it in years so was so nice to be bouncing again! It was a bit scary and I need to re-learn some of the moves I used to be able to do, but HEY I can jump around, lift things all after eating whatever I wanted and why is that I hear you ask? Because I am still feeling so great health – crohns- wise. WOO.

 

On a slightly more sour health note woke up today and got a massive VERY itchy rash all over my arms and slightly onto my shoulders. Out of coincidence I was seeing the doctor today anyway and she said she thought it was just a reaction to something my skin didn’t like, but that if it persists or gets worse to get a blood test done as it could be a reaction to the Azthripaarine I am taking. As I type this I can feel the rash spreading, I cant focus on anything without itching – but I cant tell how much of that is just in my head. BLEUGH. any advice on relieving some of the scratch-factor would be greatly appreciated!

 

Hope you are all well

 

H x