😶


No title, no words, just a face! 

I want to give you guys an update after my relatively dramatic last post- but didn’t know what to say, or how to say it. So, Imma bullet point everything going on, rather than trying (and failing) to write a coherent post! 

-I’m so freaking tired its unreal. How can I do so little, and be tired so often? 

-I’m excited but nervous to see my new consultant next Wednesday – should be interesting! I forget how nerve racking it can be to see the new guy- especially because I think crohns is grumbling again. I need the loo more, I get tired more, I have tummy aches more – no good signs! 

-I am doing pretty well at uni so far, which is nice 🙂 I have been getting good grades though hit a bit of a block in terms of knowing what to do for my next essays and dissertation which is scary! I have spoken to my friend about moving out with her in around August, which should be fun – although it adds stress and pressure with finances to get a good enough job to support that while also getting my dissertation done! 

-having a bit of a confusing time with my mum- who’s taken the car back in protest of “bad behaviour” and arguing (as ridiculous as that sounds) but has had it for months, for no good reason. It’s causing tension and anger – which is ironic because apart fro that we are getting on better than ever! I don’t understand how she can be so nice and kind for some things ,but so cruel for others. For example, as you may know from my last post – dad and my step mum are seperating and she wouldn’t even let us use he car to help them move furniture, or to drive to go visit my own siblings. Which I just don’t understands, and then she’s so supportive in other Ways?!

-my injections never got delivered! Just to add to the fun I’m now behind on humira too. Yay. 

-my boyfriend is incredible. I love him so much, and that’s so cliche and embarassing but it’s true. He supports me and loves me through the madness that is my life, whilst somehow inspiring me to be a better and kinder person at the same time – how can one person be so incredible?! Although him being out and so successful and working and moving out does just highlight how crap I am doing at life at the moment – so that’s tricky. I’m ill, hormonal, insecure and a little crazy; and all of that makes it tricky. We keep arguing too, due to over stubbornness – but I still wouldn’t trade him for anything. He’s is my absolute rock, and I have to say all this mushy crap here because there’s no where else I can say it without annoying people 😉 at least here you guys can escape! 

-and finally, the seperation. Tonight is the first night the kids and my step mum will be in their new house, although dad wanted to be alone so I am at mum house anyway, but it still feels weird – especially with so mc stuff missing around dads house. I’m so sad it’s happening, I want my family to stay together not fall apart further! We went to center parcs this weekend with dad to give my step mum time to move out, and we had a really sweet weekend despite the emotional side of it all. It did unfortunately combine with period weekend- resulting I me crying over a cupcake! But that’s another story 😉 
I’m feeling a little dented and battered in, but I’m soldiering on 🙂 

Keep your head highs up 

Hx

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Humira’s a b*tch 


I try so hard not to swear, but I literally have 0 other way of describing it. 
WHY AM I SO RUBBISH AT IT. Actually, seriously, why? 

Still results in a crying mess, shaking and feeling ill. Still can’t just “get it over with”. Still feel like a stupid baby afterwards. 

This post has literally 0 meaning aside from a good old fashioned sulk. It’s not fair, why should I have to do that? I don’t want to do it 😡 I want to be one of those people who can just pop and inject, smile for the camera and move on with their day. Unfortunately I am a massive baby and thus far incapable of that. 

I guess it has got a little easier now having had colonoscopy results and knowing that it’s working..so I guess I now know it’s worth the pain! But also grumpy because it means there’s little chance of me stopping it anytime soon haha- double edged sword for sure 😆

Anyway, sorry about the lack of insight and just a general sulk. I just really thought I would be better by now, and I’m dossapointed by what a baby I still am about it! 

Ahh well, plenty more times to try and get better I suppose!

H x

What if I am just writing in circles?


What if I run out of things to say? I am worried my thoughts are all the same, mundane worries and fears, stupid self conscious and self deprivating thoughts as well as general despair about my future! Alongside obviously the ridiculous laughing fits, the happy photos, the loving cuddles – but these are things that maybe don’t come across so well in this blog. I am worried  about posting too much of the same, of being mundane, of being boring. I was so sure at the start of this that crohns would take over my life, and I would constantly have these horror stories to post and this would be my only place to vent truly – and sometimes it is – but crohns hasn’t changed me in the way I thought it would.

it has changed me, lets not beat around the bush here, it has. And I don’t like all those changes, and some days I hate them and resent them. But other days I accept them, and even am kind of proud of them. I hate the fact that I still cannot cope with my injections, that last night my boyfriend was out signing a new flat which he can  in with his friends, being sociable, being an adult, doing what I want to do – and where was I? Crying in bed having just done another humira injection, and trying not to be sick with the headache and shakes that it bought on. How is that fair?? I hate that it makes me feel so different sometimes. I hate that it made me bitter and kind of jealous of my boyfriend, in stead of being happy and celebrating for him, I hate that I only see the negatives sometimes, the fact that our lives will get more different and all I see is the negatives in my situation- I hate that it makes me feel those things – but maybe they were already n me, and this is just my way of rationalising it? But then, I am proud of myself for being a normal (ish!) person – for having to inject myself but not letting that stop me, not letting this disease control what I do. Infact just yesterday I got a letter saying that my most recent biopsies form the colonscopy came back clear WAHOOO. Helps to lighten the grump I was in about having to go get a flu jab this afternoon..i still hate needles!

I find that weird actually (side note) that doing my injections is getting harder. I thought I would be used to it, get less psyched out, be more able and ready to cope. And I am not, I am worse. I psych myself out more, I know the pain doesn’t get bearable, I know that pushing that button is going to inflict pain and in that moment the fact it is helping me be better doesn’t even reach my consciousness, no matter how man ytimes my mum says it! All I know is that when I push that button it is going to hurt, and I will hate it. Sometimes I do my count down and swear I move my thumb but it just refuses on its own! But that a whole other blog post 😉

Anyway, I am not really sure what the whole aim of this was, it was pretty rambling and more than a little confused, and I am sorry! It is an honest insight into the mses which is my head right now – enjoy 😉 I hope to keep posting regurlarly, and that means not making something more dramatic or ridiculous than it is, if my life is pretty quiet then so will my posts!

Hope you are all happy,

H x

Whale woman reporting for duty 🐳


Literally. I can’t even. The tiredness. 

I am trying to lose some weight, less snacking, morr healthy food etc. Like three weeks in and nothing, no change. Still the heaviest I have ever been, still waddling around feeling shit about how I look. And that’s freaking depressing and annoying! And aside from that I am wiped out… I KNOW I probably seem like I moan about this in every post. But really. I was in bed by 9 last night having had a shit emotional and tiring night including a humira injection – which really put a damper on my amazing weekend.
I feel shit. I have no energy. I have been at work for 1.5 hours and already can’t keep my eyes open. I got shaky just walking to the station. My eyelids feel like lead and just contemplating how I am going to get home makes me feel awful! When I feel like this I just need energy, regardless of what form it takes. A salad won’t keep me going, I feel like I need a fizzy drink and a chocolate alongside it to bust me through this day. Oh, what I would give just to have the day in bed. 

On the plus side. I have quit my job! Officially going to be a masters student! Isn’t that crazy 😮 

Big hugs to everyone who needs one 

H x

😓


Ffs.

I just have such an over whelming urge to cry- what’s wrong with me?!

Today I left my boyfriends and went to visit my cousins in London and it was lovely, we had lunch and saw part of the Notting Hill Carnival and then I came home. I’m so tired. I’m so sad. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

I miss my boyfriend. I want to go back to him. Why am i so reliant on him? Why can’t I just be more like my old self and confident and self assured? I love him so much and love being in a relstionsship but sometimes it makes me a bit pathetic and needy. 😔But i hate myself for missing him so much! (Okay that doesn’t all make sense, sorry. But had to vent it!)
Anyway. I have to do my humira injection today, and it’s 7.45 and I can’t stop postponing it. I feel sick and shake whenever u think about just doing it. I don’t want to. It hurts. 

I think I want to do my masters, but it doesn’t seem like there is any funding. So I am not sure I can do it, and that is so frustrating! 

On yet another boyfriend note (sorry please don’t be too bored) I told him about this blog. The first person in my life who knows. Although I didn’t show him any. So he may not know it all! But you know what he said when I asked if he wanted to see any? “Maybe one day, if it’s your thing and your way to vent then that’s good enough for me”. I don’t know how I ended up with such a kind and gentle soul, and I truly don’t know why he has stuck with me! 

I am feeling like I need to rebuild myself a bit, make myself me. I need to be stronger alone, which I think will make my relationship even stronger. It is hard to be strong though, especially when physically I feel so weak and that comfort helps me through. I need to be able to do things alone, I hate feeling like a burden.

Such a rambling post. Sorry! 

Keep your head up and strong, and we will a get to where we need to be eventually 

H x

The scroll of sadness 


(Not a literal scroll…like a scrolling action…in this case down Instagram!) 

Just a quick update of what happens when you search humira , you get reminded that you are not alone and not the only one that finds it hard; but it also makes me a little sad because there are no positive faces; every one of us knows we are on this for a reason; but that doesn’t make plunging a needle into yourself much easier. Or not for me. Not yet…
My stomach is starting to feel weird again, and as I am due to go on holiday in two days I just have everything crossed that it behaves! 

Sending positive vibes! 

H x

  

Soppy sap alert


I write enough negative posts, and am quick to turn to this blog when I am sad or something has gone wrong. But I also have so many happy parts of my life, but I am often too excited to write when they are going on! 

Anyway just don’t my hunira injection and say here needing a time out before I carry on;so is a perfect time to write! 

This weekend after work on Froday I skipped out on my work party and went with my boyfriend up to York; he picked me up about 7 from outside London (after getting awkwardly hit on on the train) and we drove up to York to stay with his godfather. It took us 4 hours, so we were both knackered when we got there! We slept so well ha! And then we got up at 6am to head to the CLA game fair; and luckily there was no queue! We walked around for a few hours (despite some rainy spells!) and did some air rifle shooting and some browsing of the shops and clay pigeon shooting (my first time! 6/12 hit, thank you very much!) his dad was working there so we said hi to him too; and met him for lunch although by this point we were drenched in the most intense rain ever – so we bailed and began the drive home. We got home about 8 and just had a chilled eve and day today. I had to go to a training course / interview for a volunteering opportunity I have in at the moment within national trust houses, and I nearly was too tired to go- but my boyfriend pushed me into going and even stayed at mine for 3 hours to wait for me to get home. 
This post is boring for most of you I know, and I’m sorry! But it means so so much to me to have someone by my side like he is. Someone who will push me to do things in my own best interest even if I moan about it, who will put me first sometime and try to make me happy however he can. Don’t get me wrong, we aren’t perfect – last night we were arguing for hours just over stupid little things. But at the end of the day I love him a stupidly crzy amount, and the fact that he will hold my hand and make me do my injections and hug me after, and is interested in what the doctors say, and cares about how it makes me feel- well, that is invaluable to me.

Try to make sure you have someone in your life who will make you do things you don’t want to do, just because they know that is what you should be doing. They are the best kind of people
Hope you are all well and happy

H x