Crohns and Dieting? Hmm…. Day 18, 2017


MORNING GUYS. For once decided to post first thing (I mean, 10.30am, but close enough!). I have decided to try and lose weight, not as a new years resolution or anything (always fail) but just because enough is enough. I want to fit my clothes better, feel skinnier, look slimmer, and generally get a bit more self confidence back. I do want to lose weight, and have given myself a target weight-  but its not really so much about the numbers, as about how I feel about myself when I look in the mirror. I wasn’t going to tell you guys about it, I guess I am kinda scared to admit it incase I can’t reach my goal- but screw it, that is an extra reason to tell everyone -TO MAKE ME DO IT.

Here are some cheeky motivational posts to a) liven up my blog (check – see yesterdays aim of including more pictures!) and b) give me/ anyone else something to push us along on this Wednesday morning

 

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So, there is the motivational part of this post. I am trying to lose two stone by the end of May, mainly be eating better and eating less, and trying to be more aware of the lack of exercise I do, and trying to increase that where possible. The thing is , I really do need a job, I cant spend all day just going on long walks, and I move around way too much to bother buying a gym membership. SO it will be extra walks where I can, stairs not lifts, workouts where possible, jogs where possible, etc. I hope to do lots of sit ups and similar each day just at home to, which I think will help.

My main issue is dieting -with Crohns. Most diets say eat minimal portions (fine) and switch to things such as Brown pasta, brown rice, lots of vegetables etc – all of which is pretty much the exact opposite of what I try to eat with my crohns. For example, if I ate a salad a day for lunch, instead of being super healthy, it would probably cause me issues due to digestion etc – which is just counter productive. I have googled some diets to do (I don’t want a strict diet to follow necessarily, just ideas of better meals) but couldn’t find much. I am going to see my consultant next week, so I will talk to him then too for some advice , but if anyone reading this knows of anything helpful PLEASE let me know, would be appreciated! I am just going to start with: no snacks, small portions, more vegetables in meals, less carbs per meal, and trying to have more variety and drink less fizzy drinks but more water. All of these changes are do-able, and I am calorie counting too, to try to hold myself accountable for all the cheeky little snacks.

So, that’s my plan. Fingers crossed when I stand ready for my summer holiday, this year I will know, I HAVE lost weight.

H x

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Thoughtful photo – Day 17,2017


Okay, so I know it isn’t the prettiest photo, but I have been talking too much recently and I want to Keep this blog as interesting as I can, so I am gonna try and input more media etc. 

This is a word cloud of some of the key themes that have come up on my blog recently – thoughts ? I think it is a pretty fair representation of what I have been rambling about, though I wish it was more “happy” “content” “job” “success” etc, but we will see! I did another of these aaaaaaaages ago, and it’s interesting to see the difference! 
No big ramble here today, just a pretty picture (which is actually really kinda ugly) and some words. Enjoy. 
H X 

A little ponder deeper… Day 13,2017


So, this is a bit of a follow up from yesterdays post, and I will try to keep it concise because nobody can be bothered to read my rambles (including me!) , so here goes…

 

This blog is called “Living my life with Crohns” – but actually, maybe I don’t write enough about that. I write about my life, and I have crohns, and the trials and tribulations I face. But I don’t think I have ever written about what it is actually like. And that’s probably because I had never properly thought of it before my therapy session yesterday. And also because, well, it IS my life – its just what I know, and what I deal with everyday, and sometimes I forget that maybe everyone else doesn’t too.  (I know, I used the word AND way too many times, even to start sentances, which normally I hate, but here it is meant to be dramatic, so bear with me 😉 ). And, also, maybe I don’t sit and think about this side of things too much – which is probably a good thing, because it would be depressing and morbid if I did, but perhaps sometimes it is good to say these things.

 

It is SCARY living with Crohns. Maybe not day to day – right now I am in remission, and that generally means that it has a minimal impact on my life (touch wood). But it does mean I have to make quick trips to the bathroom – I refuse to put myself in a situation where I don’t know where one is. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but wherever I go, I like to know there is a loo nearby! Also, I get very tired quite a lot – not necessarily after doing anything, but just being worn out. Sometimes this is just tiredness,sometimes it is fatigue, and they ARE different things. But generally, crohns is okay right now in my daily life, it just means taking a few tablets for me at the moment, and the odd hospital trip, but daily, it doesn’t impact me much more than that at the moment.

Crohns is scary. Because I have been there. I have been bent over double in pain, throwing up, unable to eat, crying out because I literally cant hold in how much it hurts. I have been unable to walk, and to dress myself after my operation, I have lost a huge amount of weight, I have been very sick. And it is terrifying to know that that came from within me, and that it could happen again. And that although I am doing everything I can to prevent it, and stop it, that ultimately I don’t have a say in that. It just might happen.

And that’s probably the second scariest bit, not just the potential pain that I know comes with it. But the fact that it might happen, but it might not. That it might start tomorrow, or in a year, or 5, or 35. I have no bloody clue. It could be fine and one day not be, and I would have no warning or no knowledge or no control over that happening. I wouldn’t be able to stop it. It may be bad or it may not be, but either way I will have no idea when it is about to happen and how bad it is about to be. And that, subconsciously I think, brings a lot of uncertainty to my life. It is scary that I could get a job, settle in and in 2 years be bought back down to nothing, because there is no way I could carry on with a job in the state that I was previously in, no way at all. I don’t think about that very often, but it is a thought that I have had, and realistically need to have, but that is terrifying.

The way I think of it is a little monster in my body, he may be hibernating now, and he may stay that way forever, but probably not. He will probably wake up again, and I have no control over when that is , or how bad it is, or how long it will last. Nothing. No say. This little creature (  I know it isn’t really, but that’s how it feels. A part of me I have no control over) can take over my life with  no say so from me, and the fact that is is MY body doing it kinda makes it worse, and so frustrating, and scary.

 

So, that is what it is like living with crohns. Or at least partly. It isn’t always like that, and it isn’t always so scary, and I don’t often think of it that way. But that’s realistic, and true. And terrifying.

 

I have now scared myself and need to stop writing before I spiral! Positive thoughts for now, and hope for a long and strong remission.

H x

A step towards a brighter future? Day 12, 2017


Okay, I know I missed two days, and they weren’t even a weekend- but they have been a bit of a rollercoaster, and I haven’t had my laptop with me and didn’t think that I could do them justice typing them out on my ever failing phone.

Today I went to therapy for the first time in years, maybe even a decade. I went when I was younger, but decided that the stresses and strains of my life currently are just a little too much to handle. I was so so nervous to go, and worried because it is expensive too, but I think for now it is an investment in myself that I deserve, and need, for a while at least. It was so nice to just talk, and have someone listen and not feel guilty for burdening them with my thoughts and stresses and worries, and I genuinely came out feeling a weight had been lifted- not because of any major breakthrough, but just being able to rant and talk and not feel like I am causing someone else stress because of it. And actually, when I listed everything that has happened to me in the last 18 months / 2 years, it really is a lot. And I really have done well to keep plodding on this far, and its no BLOODY WONDER that I am struggling now, I am carrying around a whole lot that I never give myself credit for.

 

So, today is a day of self appreciation I guess. She said something that made my insides smile, that I was a survivor, that I have done so well to plough on through everything I have; and you know what? SHES BLOODY RIGHT. So, well done me. Congratulations me. Hooray for H! Finally, I can see when I say it all outloud at once that yes, I bloody have done well to keep it together and keep going, and I am totally entitled to  need a bit of space to  let that all out. Now, I am not trying to elude to some big giant “issue” that has occurred, if you follow this blog you probably know most of what I mean, lots of little things added together, but there is more going on that is just a little too personal to write here, ( I know, shocker). I would write more about what was said, but I know that a few people who actually know me in the real world (HELLO FRIENDS) may read this, and that’s something that I want to be kept a bit more private, for now at least. There is no big dilemma, just the fact that I wanted some advice on how to cope with a few things, and coping strategies for when I cant. And its also so nice to be able to talk, and have someone listen, and just, free up your thoughts. I came out, got home and bawled for a while, and am now feeling like a tired and tearful zombie – but only because I haven’t said all that outloud at once before, and because I feel exposed and confused and sad, but also so free and relieved and happy, so I am excited. Now I just have to find a way to fund it!

 

One thing that was interesting, and maybe I should do a whole post on this tomorrow (or soon) is the way that Crohns came up, as something which causes stress in my life. I never really acknowledge to myself how scary crohns is. Because I know how debilitating it can be, and what a huge effect it can have on my life and on everyone around me – and that it can come back at any time, any day, for any length of time – and that level of uncertainty is very hard to deal with. And I didn’t realise quite how much it still impacted me, until she asked me more about it today. Normally I gloss over it, “oh I’m in remission now”, or “yes but I am just nervous about the doctors appointment” (which FYI I am, 25th January here I come…) but also ,maybe it does impact me more than I ever thought. hmm. something to ponder. Think maybe this is something that needs to be explored further on this blog, but not today. Too drained!

 

Be happy, Keep smiling, and Keep going!

H x

Gosh, life is confusing. Day 9,2017. 


I didn’t blog over the weekend – one day was because I forgot, another was an active choice, to spend my time enjoying the day rather than writing about it. 

This weekend I went home with my boyfriend to his parents – which was really lovely. They have a beautiful home, in a lovely place, and it’s always like a mini holiday being there. But once again I fought with my boyfriend, which is wearing me, and him, down. I love him very much, and I know he loves me, but we are just going through a clashing phase – and it’s no fun at all. We decided to put moving in together on hold – which I guess is sensible but I’m a little heartbroken over it. I hope that we can get back on track quickly, and move forward with it 🙂 
So today I found out I got through one stage of job application, although decided not to continue as don’t think the job was right for me- but it’s still reassuring. I also did some more applications, but nothing that exciting. I wish that I knew what my future held, because it’s all so unsure and scary right now.

Sometimes I really feel like I’m driven and have something to offer, and others, I can’t understand why people put up with ms. I’m negative, make mistakes, and generally am feeling like a A failure. So, so. Not sure where I was going with that train of thought, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels it. I just want cuddles and support and then feel bad for wanting it and being such a draining burden on everyone. Golly. 

Guess the only plan is chin up andfingers  crossed tomorrow goes better. 
Be happy

H X

No update…day 6,2017


This is just a quick one – because not much has happened but also because I’m super tired and can’t be dealing with another ramble.
Didn’t achieve much today, didn’t even get dressed until about 4 or see another human until about 7 wen I met my boyfriend. And that, my dear friends, is depressing. A lot of days I feel like nobody would even notice if I disappeared. On the plus, got an offer to go back for another interview at the company I went to – although don’t think it is actually the job for me. This job stuff is VERY stressful. Bleugh. 

Currently Curled up on the sofa at my boyfriends parents – well fed, warm and cuddled up. Life is alright I suppose! 

Keep smiling,

H X 

Next interview down. Confusion levels up. Day 5, 2017


Me again.

Okay, so I didn’t manage to write a post yesterday – but that was just because everything went a bit mad with the job things, and I had to do interview prep and basically am just making excuses for failing at day 4 of my “post-a-day”. But, I am back online and at it again – so if it is just one day here or there, I will cut myself some slack!

Today I had an interview with a recruitment company, which is something I am considering going to work in, although I have no experience in it before – the money and career progression, and ability to work hard and earn more really appeals to me, that bit more control over my work. Plus, I always work hard and try to over-achieve, so I may as well get paid extra for it! I was really nervous but the interviewer was lovely, she really put me at ease and I think it went really well; and hopefully my answers were good. I will be interested to see if she thought the same and I get invited back again! However, the hours (12 hours days!) is something that really made me pause for that. Do I really want that? Is the money worth it? Do I care enough? And also…could my body take it? Because I don’t think so. Often a half day is enough to wipe me out, I am genuinely not sure that my fatigued, crohns- ridden little body could cope. So, a consideration. And potentially not the job for me, but good practice.

Currently I am in the midst of trying to get hold of one of the recruiters helping me, who wants to fire me off to more interviews tomorrow, but I am pushing back to try and just set them up for next week – 10am tomorrow is not enough time to prepare, not feel focussed and ready. However my recruiter, who I am sure is awesome at his job, is very pushy and doesn’t like taking no for an answer!

 

I am still stuck in the midst of a conundrum (great word, well used me) of what to do. I don’t want to feel like a failure, like I gave up to early, like I didn’t try hard enough for museums. But. I just want to move on, to succeed in something, to move out, to earn money, to feel like I accomplishing something genuine and real and tangible. And to move to London. To live in one place full time. And join a gym, and a dance club and so much more. To get back so many aspects of my life that I just don’t feel that I have right now in this perpetually “paused” state that my life seems to have undertaken. It is a big decision, and a scary one, and maybe neither answer will feel right, so I just have to do my best. Like always.

 

Another day, another ramble.

Until next time,

H x