Pre-colonoscopy misery


Hi,

Me again – once again in a bad mood, feeling down due to tomorrow’s ordeal. Have ANOTHER colonoscopy- maybe my 4th or 5th one? I am only 22-  most of my friends don’t even know what one is, let alone are a regular at it. And that, is just depressing.

Its a glorious day outside, and I have massive deadlines due tomorrow as well (such great timing) but instead of being out in London, in meetings, working and enjoying the weather with my friends – I am at home, in my PJs, in bed, with the worst headache, no food at all for the rest of the day and only a glass of water and a snoring cat to keep me company. I am miserable. I wish this wasn’t what I had to go through, I am terrified about what the results will be – is it getting better? has it got worse? do I need new medicines? Which one? Do I have to keep self-injecting the humira? please, no. I don’t even know what to expect – I have had feelings recently that it may be playing up again, but what do I know, eh.

 

I hate this prep, I am not sure what I can and cant drink, I am not sure what counts as solid food, I am not sure if I have the preparation that literally makes me gag so hard I want to vomit whilst I drink it or the other one which I can cope with – that will be a fun surprise for me at 2pm. I am sat here, failing to do my work, all alone and feeling like absolute misery.

Recently I thought I was more ontop of this illness, but no. Apparently not. Crohns has a way of popping up and reminding you that you will never be fully incontrol, and its stupid to think you would be. I don’t need this crap right now.

So, 1-0 to Crohns for today.

 

Hope your having better days than me so far

 

H x

Making myself me again…


So as you may know I am currently…well unemployed I guess. I am embarking on the great job hunt post uni, and although I have had a few interviews and a few more coming up there isn’t anything I am crazy excited about at the minute- mainly because they aren’t working in museums which is where I ideally would like to work. But, hey ho. 

So I am currently interviewing for summer jobs to keep me busy and also “real life” jobs. I’m just struggling feeling a bit lost and without a purpose at the moment, which is hard. Also my boyfriend is off on the holiday of a lifetime soon with his friends, meaning I won’t see him for three weeks – and it’s the longest we have been apart, coming at a little bit f a rocky time For us too- which doesn’t help how I feel! I M spending way too much time thinking about him and moping around, and I need to be me again. I need to have more things going on in my life, and make me independent again…I hate feeling like this.

So, I am trying to plan a holiday with my friend and trying to get a job going on; I need to make me get back to me again. I need to make myself an independent person again. But that feels hard right now, I’m a bit lost and feeling a bit like a ghost. 

I hope you all are well 

H x

Friday the 13th….a really bad day


As if the doctors appointment, blood tests and then the MRI weren’t enough…Friday the 13th had to arrive. And I’m not superstitious, but maybe I should be. I had cramps starting about 4pm, and then had to retire to bed about 8pm, just felt so ill! Anyway later in the night I just woke up knowing something was wrong, and I wasn’t very well. I went through to my house mates room, and she was still up as it was only like 11pm, but then I got really ill and ended up throwing up. I took some buscopan afterwards and waited up with my friends for it to kick in and managed to get back to bed for about an hour; but then i woke up again to be sick – but this was all with intense crampings and pain. We had to all the ambulance in the end, and I was taken in about 3am. It was literally the most horrendous night og my life, I not only was in so much pain but retching constantly with no control over my body, I was shaking and panicking. My hands and feet started to get pins and needles because i was hyperventilating and was panicking very much, it was terrifying. The ambulance people, and my friend who was with me, were so brilliant  – they supported me as much as they could and managed to answer all the questions needed and set me on gas and air with another cannula in my arm with morphine. After a while I managed to get my breathing more under control, and calmed down a bit- although the cramping and lack of feeling in my hands and fee scared me quite a lot – and my heart was racing at something like 144 beats per minute! Anyway, we travelled to the hospital and I definitely calmed down towards the end, it seemed so unreal by this point. According to my friend I was having a good old giggle on the laughing gas by the end, about the possibility of seeing one of te boys we lived with last year who was a medic on his shift in the hospital – and about how ad my hair looked!

 

So we get to the hospital and begin the transfer onto a hospital guerney and the like, although there was no more gas and air because the hospital had no tubes to go between the oxygen tanks and my little mouth piece bit. We got wheeled through to the a and e bit where everyone had been in an ambulance (my first time in an ambulance did I mention?!) and then we waited. As this was all happening my mum was on her way to meet us, though we live quite far away so it took her like 2 hours to get to us. Anyway I ended up staying in the hospital for nearly 12 hours, I had blood tests, stomach x rays, heart profiling, blood pressure tests, and multiple oral and IV shots of morphine, IV fluids and paracetemols, among other stronger painkillers and anti-nausea too. It was all pretty scar, and my heart rate stayed too high throughout – in all honesty I didn’t want to be discharged, because I was under so many hospital pain killers and through the day every time they wore off the cramps and nausea came back – so i didn’t want to be discharged so dosed up incase it all happened gain as soon as we left. They said that we couldnt stay there more than 12 hours though, and although  I asked to be admitted and then transferred to the private hospital nearby, they refused and we were discharged. Mum had to help me walk to the car, I was getting dizzy and miserable so she helped me and we quickly packed up my university room and we got in the car and drove home. That was all yesterday and I am still feeling really groggy and pretty ill.

 

It was, all in all, terrifying. It showed me just how ill I really am. The feeling I had in the ambulance- the total inabiity to control my body and the huge amount of pain I was in, it was so hard to cope with and I dont think I can deal with it again. It was so scary, although it also showed me the support system I have around me. Also, i think everyone wants to move the operation to be sooner if possible, and just get it over with. I am so scared of having the operation, but i dont think I can be in that situation again, so if thats what needs o happen then thats what I will do…

 

So, Friday the 13t really was a jinxed day for me, ad one that robbed me of the confidence that i had- now I am scared to be on my on incase something similar happens and I am all alone. I know it sounds ridiculous and probably seems very over the top to anyone who wasnt there-  but it just was so scary! anyway spent the day on the sofa today with my mum looking after me, and everything in my body is sore and hurting, but im determined not to end up in the same situation; even if it means that have this operation

 

Hope everyone had a better week than me

 

H x