I just feel like a shit friend, a bad person, and a general failure.


Argh. Sat here with tears streaming down my face, and I cant even begin to explain why. My stupid stress and anxiety, and my relationship with my friends and theirs with my ex boyfriend is just bringing everything crumbling down around me, and I just…I feel like whatever I do is wrong.

One of my best friends wants to stay friends with my ex, and we had multiple arguments and awkward conversations about it, but never reached an agreement where we were both happy- because we wanted such different things, and neither could change the others feelings about the matter. I have been weighing up the value of her friendship to me, vs the anxiety it has been causing me. And that may sound callous and harsh, but ultimately I am desperate to stay her friend, and love being around her and the happiness she brings into my life-  but also her link to him, and her bringing him up and talking about him to me, gives me such anxiety it hurts, and everytime we talk I am just waiting for her to drop another bomb about him, another bit of information that breaks my heart just that little bit more, or another new story about how his life is moving on so much better and brighter without me. And, its tough.

 

Long story short after today I spoke to a few people and got some advice and wanted to sit down with her and say, in essence, I know I cannot control your friendships or ask you to not be friends with him, but I also want you to know how goddamned hard this is for me, and much anxiety it is causing me, and how, honestly, I am struggling to be your friend right now. Not to force her to pick, or to guilt trip her, but to let her know the truth about how I am feeling, and how that may impact me, in terms of backing away from her a bit. And  I tried so hard to write it out properly and get it prepared, but then she called me, sprung a different topic on me and it all went to shit. Long story short, she called my ex, told him I have said they aren’t allowed to be friends anymore, then called me saying “just to let you know I called him, said this, and now you win so we aren’t friends congratulations, but I now also hate you for what you made me do so I need to cut you out my life for a bit as well, and see if I can forgive you”. And I feel like I lost a best friend, and I don’t know how it comes back from this. This is never, ever what I wanted.

And it isn’t all my fault, and I hate hate hate the fact that when I was trying to explain the genuine anxiety I get- and how yes, I know many of the things I stress over are irrational and ridiculous, but to me they are so real and terrifying, and so much more; but she almost dismissed it, and made me feel like I could get over it if I just tried harder. But I cant. And I wish I could. Because it had a huge part in my break up, and now a huge part in this, and I hate myself for not being stronger to deal with it, but I just don’t think I can. So I feel guilty, and bad, and ashamed and sad how it all happened, and I would do anything to change it. but I cant. And now… now I just wait and hope that she texts me and forgives me. But I am not sure she will. And that will be utterly miserable.

I feel like everytime I try to fix things, or express myself, or move things forward, I fuck it up even more. And I am sick of feeling like such a failure at everything, and like I am constantly making the wrong decisinos and hurting people at every corner, as well as myself. I wish I was better at articulating my anxieties to people, and helping them to understand me, but to do that I would probably need to understand myself better to….

Sigh. I can only hope tomorrow will be better. I guess another sleepless nightmare-filled night is in order for me. My subconscious just loves to remind me what a bad person I am, and I am starting to get sick of it.

H x

Hey stranger, its been a while…


I don’t really have much to write. And, sadly, I feel like I lost my writing mojo a while back…but this blog used to mean so much to me, a real life line to my feelings and a way for me to process things. But now, now it feels monitored, by my ex. Which I KNOW is stupid, I know that ONCE he bothered to read this, but that was when he cared and when things were different, but the fact that he can read this at anytime, terrifies me. He is the only person in my life I ever trusted enough to tell, so I think that’s why he found it so easy to track me down online – but now I feel I cant write how I used to, as freely as I once did. I wanted to draft a few open letters on here, but I can’t, because, I can’t get my head around it.

 

I am working hard, and enjoying work and doing well. Unfortunately I think one of my contracts is about to end and not be renewed due to budget, but other than the stress of having to restart job hunting, life is good. We have been doing a lot of preperations for mums wedding, enjoying life with a new puppy, and making the most of my newly freed up time to see as many friends as possible.

I need to find a new way to define my relationship with this blog, and with any readers wh are still there. For me, this was never about becoming internet famous, or building a huge following, it was about finding a way to throw my frustrations and fears out into the wind and hoping it would help me process.

On the Crohns front, am booked in for a capsule endoscopy next month, which will be interesting but should help bring up some results about the current position – hopefully showing that it is still in remission!

Hope everyone is well.

H x

Just another kick when I’m down


Okay so this blog has kind of turned into a miserable rant space, but to be honest, that’s all that is in my head right now, so all I can write about.

yesterday one of my best friends went for drinks with my ex, and however much I didn’t want her to go, she did; as she should, because I cant stop her being friends with who she wants to talk to. However, she then had lunch with me today and informed me not only has he been to Magaluf, but he is also dating other people. As in actual dating. As in, with feelings. Which not only ruined lunch (I cried, didn’t eat anything and left) but we then had a huge fight, resulting in a shouting match in her car; because of everything. I over reacted, tensions were too high, she got angry at me, I got angry back. It was a disaster. And even though we have spoke since then and cleared the air, it feels like nothing can go back to the way it was. Not only do I somehow have to process the fact that he has moved on, completely, and that there is no use in my pathetic imagined scenarios for ways to win him back; but also that I am pushing my friends away through my inability to get a handle on my grief, and that is only making things worse.

How can I be friends with someone who is friends with him? Who can see me literally falling apart every day and trying to put myself back together, and yet can sit and have cocktails with him without once calling him out on what he did, and just discuss his new girls. I cant, I don’t know how to do that. he threw me away like I was nothing, and if I have any hope of ever getting myself back to how I was, then I need no trace of him in my life. Up until this lunchtime I have spent hours trying to figure out how to reach out to him, how to change his mind or at least tell him how I feel; and yet he told her to ask me not to. He doesn’t want to hear from me. He has moved on.  How  the hell do I process that. How the hell do I get my head around the fact that a guy I still love, not only threw me away, but has replaced me in no time at all. The guy I thought I was going to marry, and spend my life with, literally doesn’t want to hear about me because he is too busy with someone else. I never realised that heartbreak could be such a physical pain before, its a revelation.

I feel awful for my friends, like whatever I do is wrong, I either burden them with my feelinsg too much, or lash out, or blame them, or something. And it isn’t fair. I am doing my best to get my head back on track, and I honestly thought I was getting there, until today. Until I realised that just the mention of him and his new life is enough to knock me so far down I am not sure I can stand up again. I didn’t mean to lose my friend over it, but I am scared I have. It is impossible to move on and be strong when nothing that is important feels like it is in my control. And I know I am due to see him In a few weeks for a house warming, but I don’t think I can face him. This morning I was planning outfits to weat to win him back in, and this afternoon I realised there is no point. A new dress or a hairstyle, or a witty one liner over a drink isn’t going to change his mind about me. I cant make someone love me. But I wish I could. Because the guy he is in my memories, was perfect for me, and those memories are some of the happiest I have ever had. Having new adventures, full of laughter, with someone who loved me as much as I loved them, it was perfect. And now it is over. And I don’t know how to accept that.

Another day, another set back, another chance to start over and try again to be stronger and braver than before.

 

H x

Trying to draw a line under it…


Okay, so there is no easy way to summarise my feelings from the break up, or how I am feeling now. So I am not sure there is much point trying. I am doing my best, going to therapy, looking after myself, trying to plan new things, and focussing on my family, friends and the other positives in my life. However, it is hard to ignore and still a battle I am fighting each and every day to try and not let it overcome me.

I was finding it too hard to blog, because the breakup was so consuming that I didn’t know how to write about anything else, but now I look back and don’t want that to be a reason that I stop writing, not when this blog has meant so much to me in the past. So, I am back, and going to do my best!

I have a hospital appointment tomorrow morning to practice doing another test-  some kind of swallow-the-camera-in-a-pill (not sure that is the technical name!). And before you do the test you have to do a practice with a placebo pill to make sure it agrees with your system, so that is what I am going to be doing. Then on Wednesday for a check up, then hopefully it will go okay and I can crack on with getting the ACTUAL test done, finally. I am also hoping to do some blood tests tomorrow, or Wednesday, to keep on top of everything. Sometimes being in remission means its to easy to forget how bad everything can be. I have been through one of the most stressful times of my life, and I am feeling beyond grateful that my crohns (thus far) hasn’t been impacted by that!

I am working full time, by working 2 part time jobs, and loving them. Although I need something a bit more permanent! And hopefully better paid 😉

Anyway, that’s a mini update for now, and I hope to get back on track with the positivity and focus that this blog used to contain for me.

Big hugs

H x

trying to move on with life is harder than you would think


I am sorry for the lack of inspiration in these posts, and the lack of focus on my journey with crohns. As it stands the hospital appears to be ignoring me and I am still waiting for some further camera testing to be done to see if it is active anywhere – but so far I am just grateful it hasn’t flared due to stress.

But honestly, my life is beginning to function again day to day, and enjoying seeing my friends and family more than I have been able to in months. Up until the breakup I was so busy trying to fix my relationship, that I let so many other things slip past. And that was bad of me, and I am trying to make up for that now and enjoy the people around me who are genuinely here for me, and are going to be a permenant part of my life.

My friends are trying to encourage me to join lots of dating websites and go on speed dates, and begin to just “get over him” and ” be more positive” – little do they know how impossible that is.  How could I ever feel that way about anyone else again? I cant see one person ever being so important in my life, or me being so willing to dedicate my life to one person in that way. He was my best friend, my confidant, an incredible person and so much more. Clearly, he had his flaws, and there are so many things about the ending of the relationship that I resent him for, the way in which he ended things was brutal and I didn’t deserve to be treated like such shit, as if I was unimportant and unworthy of his time even for a proper conversation. I feel like he clearly decided this a few weeks ago and just didn’t know how to say it, hence the extra arguments and all the comments like “I don’t want children”, which I think he just said because he knew it was a deal breaker for me, and he was trying to get me to end things. Which is cowardly and hurtful.

But I don’t understand how I could love someone like that again, and I don’t think I ever will. To be so comfortable with someone, so in love with them, and all the things I wanted with him I cant imagine wanting with someone else. And I don’t really want to even think about it yet. There is still a part of me hoping that he will change his mind, but I also hate that part of me. And I hate the fact that I know I would run straight back into his arms if he asked. I think I am a different person, I am stronger and more independent and really have had time to reflect on my actions and flaws and what I would do differently next time. And that is a good thing. But the bad thing is all I wish is that he could see it, fall back in love with me, and want to try again. How ridiculous and stupid. Especially considering I doubt he has given me a second thought since the day he ended things. He has an incredible ability to step aside from the emotional side and cut that out, and that is exactly what he did to me.

Side note – I also bloody miss his family. I spent three years trying to bond with them, and form relationships, and now they have gone. And I miss them. And his mum. So, so bloody much. It isn’t just one person I lost, but also my dreams, planned future, his family, our joint friends, and so much more.

I am beginning to laugh again, and remember how to enjoy things in my life, and am trying to appreciate what I DO have, not what I have lost. But that is hard. Especially on days off when I have a lot more time to think. I wish things were different. So badly. I try to remind myself that life goes on, but that isn’t very easy sometimes when it feels like the best thing in my life just threw me away like yesterdays rubbish.

H x

No, it isn’t getting easier


the break up was 2 months ago today. And I am still crying over it, pretty much everyday. My heart hurts and my life seems just a little less full without him in it. It takes every bit of my strength not to reach out, and beg and plead for him to reconsider, to remind him of everything good we had, to say “how about a clean slate?”; but then I remember he could contact me anytime he liked. He just doesn’t want to.

I cleaned my room today and accidently found a card he had written me. His handwriting, his words, his promises- they broke my heart all over again. I miss him physically, his friendship, his laugh, the way he sang along to songs in the car, the way he held me at night, the promises he made and the security he represented, I miss every last thing about him. And I cant for the life of me remember what we used to argue about all the time. I cant. And I have such immeasurable guilt and sorrow over my part in it all, and would do anything to take it back. I just wish he felt half as strongly as I did, but clearly, I was wrong.

I feel like an idiot for feeling so strongly about someone who threw me away with a post-pub phonecall. Who has cut me out so completely and effortlessly, and has made me feel so worthless. When did he stop loving me the way I still love him? And how do I turn these feelings off the way he did? He was my first everything, and I thought my one and only evyerhting. I committed every part of myself to him, and to us, and now he has taken it away- I feel, broken. Utterly. I have worked so hard on myself, with therapy and anxiety courses, with jobs which keep me motivated and stop me being bored and sad in the week- and yet he doesn’t care. So many life changes have happened that I want to tell him about, but then I have toremind myself he doesn’t want to listen. It is the hardest thing in the world to love someone and want them this much, but have no control over being able to get it.

The promises we made, the dreams we shared, the smiles we had, the memories we made. I want them back, and I want them forever. And I am not sure how to accept the fact they are gone, when I would still do anything I could to change that. My head, and my heart, are hurting.

H x

2 weeks ago today…


I am not doing very good at blogging about this breakup experience, mainly because it is too painful to write about, and even more so to re-live.

It was two weeks ago today. Two weeks ago today I was sat waiting by my phone for him to call and to fix things, instead not realising he was just playing rugby and drinking, and later waiting to call and break up with me. Anyway.

I am trying to be positive, to go “onwards and upwards” but it is really hard when he is all I can think of. Sleeping is still super difficult – in those moments before sleep all I can think of is him, and I dream about him every night, and then wake up miserable as it hits me again that this is beginning to be real. I know today he was at rugby again and is probably now in the pub. I know he hasn’t missed me or had enough regrets to contact me. I know he will have been out multiple times. I am sure he has started to move on. I hope that he misses me or has some regrets in some corner of his mind, even if that is just about the callous way he threw me, and all our memories and dreams and plans, away. Via a phonecall which I had to wait up to receive whilst he was drinking.

I am too busy looking back on our memories with rose coloured glasses, and I need to remind myself of how cold he was when he ended things. How harsh he was in the last few weeks. How he wasn’t always loving, and caring, and he was too selfish and cruel sometimes. But, so was I, probably. (Not selfish, that is one thing I am good at not being, but I was angry and grumpy and cruel too, I am sure of that). However,every time I try to think of something bad, I remember his smile, or the feel of falling asleep in his arms, or the smell of his skin, or the way he smiled at me first thing in the morning. And I feel my heart breaking all over again. He was/is my best friend, and I still love absolutely every inch of him, with every single part of my being. And I am not sure how to get my brain to catch up and realise that he doesn’t want me, or want us, anymore. It is hard -having had such amazing happy memories up until the last day, yes, interspersed with shit ones, but the good ones were still there, and that makes it harder.

I am sat here, thinking about him, trying to get through my first day without crying. But ultimately, I know he is doing better than me, because he stopped loving me a while ago, or stopped caring, or stopped wanting to fight. We made promises of loving each other, and having forever together, and I meant what I said. I wanted to spend every day of the rest of my life with him, and have the future we always talked about – the house, the dogs, the everything. All those things we had in our future are gone, and I am not sure how to cope with that.

I am trying to move on and be strong and build myself up. But it is hard, and some days feels impossible. But I don’t have much choice.

H x