Just keep swimming…


I literally can’t even.

 

I feel so pathethic and crappy and awful and miserable and a million other words and I don’t even know why or how to make it better. Strap yourselves in for a long roller coaster of a post folks, I think now I have started its going to be impossible to stop!

I don’t know what is wrong with me, I am such a roller coaster of emotions that I can’t keep up with myself, and I am not just blaming the normal monthly hormone influx (although I have been noticeably more teary the last few days so maybe I should do hah!)

I am knackered. I got up at 6.20 with my boyfriend this morning so he could get to work on time (its a LONG train journey from his to work!) and am therefore knackered; but I was home by 1 after just 2 hours of lectures, and still couldn’t keep my eyes open long, I fell asleep on the sofa for an hour, and still woke up feeling beyond exhausted, unable to concentrate and also generally pathethic that I couldn’t do a single day – he does it every day and for so much longer and working so much harder then me. I am due to drive to my best friends later tonight to volunteer at her school tomorrow, but I am not sure I physically can stay awake long enough for the drive, nor be able to do it tomorrow. ANd that is pathethic. Why is my body so shit, between the illness, the medicine, the fatigue and my general personal failures how can I not function well enough to do this?! I was so sad recently about my lack of social life, and my boring life so now I am trying harder and have things planned and I can’t do them because my 80 year old body won’t keepup with me. I feel like a let down, I feel useless, honestly, what am I even contributing to anyone right now?

 

Issue number 2. I am irrevocably, totally and completely feeling down on myself, and that sucks. I know I am overweight, and that makes me feel shit. I have been trying so hard, yet today I felt so dizzy, tired and shit that I needed sugar just to get me awake enough to walk upstairs, so now I am not only a pathetic tired mess, but also a fat one. Fuck. I feel insecure in my relationship, but not because of any reasons you might think. I just don’t think I am good enough for him, I am too needy, I am not…special enough. He is the light of my life, and honestly I don’t think I know a better person than him, then I look at myself and see nothing worth being with, and that makes me feel like crap, because it makes me so insecure! Aside from that, just feeling shit makes me so needy, when he is at work and at times like this when all I can do is sit at my desk and have a little cry, all I want is a hug and a kiss; but he is at work, being busy, leading a normal life and I can’t get in the way of that. He is so much more independent than me, he doesn’t need me the way I need him and I find that hard to cope with; whilst also hating on myself for being so easily dependent on a man, I never had myself down as that kinda gal.

 

GOSH so much misery in this post. I can’t even carry on writing with the moans, because nobody needs to hear all this crap 😉

On the plus side, I have a happy, positive post to write soon- I just think now isn’t the right time to do it, because I am not in that kinda mood, and I don’t think I will do it justice!  I just tried to end this post on a ~this is my next 5 step action goal~ kinda thing, because it often makes me feel better to have a tick list of things to do, and just focus on achieving them and being able to see what I have done. But I honestly cant see a way to get out oif this. Love my boyfriend less? Care less? Get less close? Somehow cure myself of whatever is fucking with my head? Unfortunately I can’t, or won’t do any of those. I just need my guardian angel to wake up a bit, come back out of retirement or whatever and come help me out. I just need someone to prop me up, and help me out. Please.

 

Sorry for the complete and utter trainwreck of a post, but times like this are exactly when this blog comes into its own.

I hope you are having a better time of it than me!

H x

Advertisements

So lonely. So sad.


Im so fed up of my life as it is at the moment. I am just so sad all of the time.

Everyone is travelling, or working, my boyfriend is off on the trip of a lifetime and I am just sat at home all day everyday doing nothing apart from applying to jobs. I feel like my life has no purpose, and its making me so sad. I am so miserable and not sure how to get myself out of it.

EUGH.

Having a cry.

H x

Making myself me again…


So as you may know I am currently…well unemployed I guess. I am embarking on the great job hunt post uni, and although I have had a few interviews and a few more coming up there isn’t anything I am crazy excited about at the minute- mainly because they aren’t working in museums which is where I ideally would like to work. But, hey ho. 

So I am currently interviewing for summer jobs to keep me busy and also “real life” jobs. I’m just struggling feeling a bit lost and without a purpose at the moment, which is hard. Also my boyfriend is off on the holiday of a lifetime soon with his friends, meaning I won’t see him for three weeks – and it’s the longest we have been apart, coming at a little bit f a rocky time For us too- which doesn’t help how I feel! I M spending way too much time thinking about him and moping around, and I need to be me again. I need to have more things going on in my life, and make me independent again…I hate feeling like this.

So, I am trying to plan a holiday with my friend and trying to get a job going on; I need to make me get back to me again. I need to make myself an independent person again. But that feels hard right now, I’m a bit lost and feeling a bit like a ghost. 

I hope you all are well 

H x

:'(


got a call from the hospital to say my TB results were inconclusive, most likely ‘because of the steroids I’m on’ although I haven’t been on any for 18 months or so….so they actually have no idea why it didn’t work. So. Great. 

Back to the hospital on Monday for more blood tests. And in all day Tuesday to wait for Humira and then again on Thursday to learn how to inject myself. Great. Don’t forget the exam on Fridat and then Wednesday, all amongst revision, filling out special applications form and trying to cope with everydayife.

I feel crap. Life is unfair. Lying in bed crying and ready to sleep. I’m sad. I want my body to work. Please. Just for a little bit.

Eugh. 

I know self pity isn’t a pretty look, but it’s stuck on me right now. Sorry. 

H x

Why am I so broken?


Sorry for the spam posting.

Just had lunch and within two minutes have quite bad chest pains breathing in and feel over whelmingly nauseous and tired; the kind of sickness feeling that actually hurts. I can’t take a deep breath in without pain.
I try not to swear in here but what the actual f**k. I just got the all clear,  why am I still hurting, why can’t I still cope.

Lying in bed in the dark feeling like I may throw up st any minute and trying not to cry too much because it hurts ny chest. But seriously,  why am I so broken. I hate not being able to do anything right and it’s beginning to feel like forever ago when I was last ablr to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without the consequences hitting me hard. How is it fair that my body is so shit at working,  how is it that it doesn’t do what I want, what did I do to break it this bad?  So damn fed up with it all and the fact that nobody seems to understand.

Rant over, sorry
H x