I don’t even know where to begin. My heart hurts. my head hurts. My body hurts. Everything hurts.
I miss him. So much. I am lying here on a Saturday morning, when nobody else is awake. And knowing I should be at his house. Curled up in his arms. Ready for the rugby today – we had tickets to go with his family, and it is killing me that he will just take his housemate and fill my seat, and my place in his life. I can close my eyes and imagine myself there, I know how his arms feel and what his breathing sounds like asleep, and how his bedroom is, and how when he starts to wake up he often reaches over just for a cuddle. And now that is gone. And I have never experienced greater hurt or loss in my life – even when my grandparents died two years ago, that wasn’t their choice, it was a fact of life. He chose to leave me, he actively didn’t want me anymore, and he chose to do this, and that hurts so much more. I miss him. I miss his smile, and his smell, and his warm arms and his texts and the way he made me laugh. I miss all those times he made me laugh, or feel special. I just miss him. And it is absolutely killing me that with one phonecall he just cut me out his life, like I was nothing, like what we had meant nothing, like it was the easiest thing in the world. I wish I could even think of him moping around at home, but I feel like I have been nothing more than a blip in his radar.
I am so so lucky to have such incredible friends and family around me, who have dropped everything time and time again to be with me and hug me and love me. It just isn’t the one person that I want, and I am not sure how that hole in my life will ever be filled. Last night is the first time I managed to sleep for more than 3 hours since sunday, but its just made me feel even worse! I woke up, and I was sad beause of the rugby today, so I went to text him – out of habit, then I realised I couldn’t and its so so sad. There is no other way to describe this, except hurt and sad and heartbroken. Everynoe says that maybe it was a good thing long term, and that I will find someone more suited to me, and that it will let me find myself again. but I don’t want any of that. And I know it should. I just want him. I want his smile and his love and his friendship, it is all I have ever known and for it to be gone is impossible. Every minute he doesn’t call me or text me to change his mind, hurts. It is another minute he doesn’t want me. Another minute he is moving on okay with his life, leaving me behind as a broken shell of who I once was.
The more I talk to my friends the more I realise it isn’t healthy to just sit here crying over old memories, looking at the photos of the good times and sobbing over never being able to make more. Instead they pointed out all the things that he did that made me unhappy, the things I wished I could change. And more and more I see that it was in a worse situation than I thought, and that maybe he stopped caring about me and loving me the way he should a while ago, and I just couldn’t see it. It is embarrassing to admit that for months I have known that I wanted It to work more than him, and that I was giving up more and more of myself and trying to change and make him happy because I so desperately wanted to be with him. And that sentence alone is embarrassing. But what is worse is that I still don’t regret it, and that I would probably do it again. I know it is wrong in my head, but in my heart I don’t understand how loving him and wanting to be with him could ever be wrong. I want him to love me back. I want him to care for me. I want him to want to make me happy and have the future together we have talked about for so long. And I cant. I cant make him love me. But I cant fathom the fact that he doesn’t. How could he not? We had everything we needed. We had so much joy – alongside the sorrow. I cant believe it is done. I cant. I don’t want to believe it. It cant be done.
I have spoken to him everyday for over 3 years, without fail. He has been my first everything, completely. I have never even kissed anyone else. I have loved him so fucking hard for so fucking long, and now he has gone, and I have no idea how to handle that. None. The one thing I can say is that it isn’t his fault that things were going bad – I was just as argumentative, if not more, and just as stubborn. But it was his fault that he stopped caring and trying. I can honestly say I couldn’t have done any more, I couldn’t have tried any harder or loved him any more or done anything else. I couldn’t. But he could have. He could have made changes, he could have wanted to work through things with me, but instead he wanted to be selfish and have his own time and just live his life not worrying about anyone but himself. That isn’t even me being bitter- he specifically told me that right now in his life he just wants to be selfish. And even that hurts, he loves himself more than he ever loved me.
I just wish I could rewind the clock. Could have held on for that last hug just a little longer, Could have made that last kiss just a little deeper. All of it. I never want it to end. I wish he wanted me the way I wanted him. I wish he could have just given me that little bit of security. It is embarassing how much I wanted to, and did, pander to his every desire to make him happy, but not once would he do the same for me. And I didnt think that wasnt normal. I thought it was me just doing things for the guy I loved, but I guess some time a while ago he stopped feeling the same. I wish I had known. I wish I could have tried harder, changed more, made him want it as much as I do. But I cant. He just gave up on me, and that is impossibly hard to accept.
I am so confused, and hurt, and despite being surrounded by all these people who love me, I have never felt so alone or so lost. I refuse to believe he is gone. And I know that is unhealthy. But he cant be. I love him too much for him to be gone and to do this to me. Despite writing all of this and being hurt and angry at loving someone who didn’t love me the same, and who I know wont be suffering like this right now – all I want to do is jump in my car and shoot off to his house and turn up and he open the door and smile at me with that wonky grin of his. And open his door and his arms and his heart to me and let me back in. Please. Let me back in.