Fom sad to happy all in one call


CHEESE ALERT RIGHT HERE

I am way too quick to blog when I am sad, but this has to be the biggest shoutout to my favourite person, my boyfriend is incredible. I know like  90% of people will have just stopped reading, and to those of you powering on – thank you. (Side note: does it count as a shoutout when you are anonymous, you don’t mention any names and you have no intention of telling said person you wrote about them? Perhaps not…but you all get the gist 😉 )

 

Today is sunday, and I had a fab time with my family yesterday but was feeling the guilt for not working. So the plan was to get up and go to Santas grotto with the kids (my half brother and sister aged 8 and 4) then go for lunch together before coming home for the afternoon and I had planned to work. It is now 1pm and my stepmum earlier decided to go out shopping with my sister, and they have just not come back. It now means we aren’t going out for lunch because we have no time, I wont be able to see the kids meet santa because I have to work this afternoon, I feel like I wasted my morning and my work is going sh*t so I was having a bit of a feel sorry for myself. I had a little text-y moan to my boyfriend, sulked up back to my laptop and proceeded to eat a large handful of chocolate maltester things (which although delicious I now feel guilty for, considering I am more representing a whole pod of whales than a single human being at the moment. FML)

Anyway, we all have those times, but I think I let them get to  me more. I over think things, I feel sad, I feel tired, I let it all get on top of me. I  forget to think about the good and how lucky I am, and instead feel sad for no reason and then spiral – many a good day have I ruined in such a way. Anyway, I sent my boyfriend a snapchat of me eating the maltester things- since he had bought them for me last week or so; and he called me. He called me just to say he loved me. Just to say keep going with the work, just to say he missed me. And I of course promptly burst into tears – great work me. I honestly don’t deserve him. We are having a weekend away to have some space, so I can work and see family and so he can relax with his too – and its weird and I am not sure I like it, but at the same time I am enjoying it – but what I mean is, I am not his problem this weekend, he has no obligation (aside from being my boyfriend haha) to be looking after me, and yet he still is. He is fantastic and lovely and kind and sweet and I don’t know what I would do without him.

I realise this is one of the worst-written most cliché posts I have done (or if there are others worse than this, apologies!) but I had to type it, I had to say it, I want to shout it from the rooftops. I feel happy, pushed back up, lucky and determined. I think having so many shit days with my illness, I am used to just crying to myself, putting on a smile and faking being okay for so long; and now I have someone that I don’t have to fake it with, and who doesn’t care that I screw up probably more than I get it right, and that, THAT is something incredible.

 

On a side note – its 2 years today since I ended up in an ambulance and en route to A and E for 12 hours, how time has changed. Feeling so grateful that I have come so far from there, and so hopeful things never go back. Also a memory of my best friend from uni, who took perfect care of me, called the emergency services, helped me get dressed, held my hand, stayed with me, everything. I really am lucky. Friday 13th of 2013 was a bad day for me indeed, but Sunday 13th of 2015 is a day of reflection and of trying to be more grateful for everything I have.

H x

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Thats what friends are for!


friendship

So, as you may have noticed I have been going through a rough time these past few months – it has not been a summer of fun! In fairness that is a sweeping statement, there have been days or weeks of fun with my friends and family; such as a 3 week stint in Montreal with 3 of my best friends, and then a 4 day stint to New York for 4th of July, and not forgetting my 21st birthday, and my French friend turning up as a surprise, and those days of shopping and laughing; and much more.

But over summer I have had to complete 4 large pieces of coursework, resit 2 exams all because of missing the deadlines due to being in hospital recovering from a Crohns-related operation. I have had to accept  being behind on my dissertation already. I lost two grandparents in 10 weeks, and have had a few minor  symptoms which are making me paranoid about Crohns returning.

In summary it has been a summer of both extreme highs and lows – maybe they work to counteracting each other?

The point of this post was yesterday after spending the day with one of my oldest and bestest friends (so far we have racked up 11 years of friendship, which is over half of our lifetime!) I realised that no matter how bad things get in my life, I will always have people around me to make me smile and laugh – and that is what life is about. Life goes on, people move on, we have to keep strong and keep moving and these are the people around me who will always help me to do that.  In return she knows that I will always be only a phone call away.

This post is kind of pointless I guess – but I want to get back in to the habit of posting because I have been a little lazy recently.  Just an update and a happy thought – keep friends and family close because they are the ones that will always be there for you and pick you up when you think you don’t have enough strength left to do it yourself!

H x

2,688 hours ago today I was under the knife


Firstly – Happy Easter to you all!

 

Secondly – I am in shock. My operation was 4 months ago today…4 months…

I don’t even know how to explain it (times like this I admire people who blog and write and always find exactly the words they need to describe their thoughts…I feel as though my thoughts never fluidly translate into my writing, sorry). In one way it seems like a lifetime ago that I was waking up in that hospital room, panicking and checking if I had a stoma bag, being wheeled into my room, beeping myself with morphine, and being in my own hospital room and trying to figure out what was happening. Feels like a lifetime ago that before that I ended up in A and E (4 months 1 week ago today, if anyones interested) and that I was in so much pain I couldn’t stop retching or even walk in a straight line without help. And now, now I am fine; to all intensive purposes! I have a scar, well one and two tiny ones, I have tablets I take every day; but on the whole I am well now, and I appreciate that so much more than I used to. But, I just, cant believe its been 4 months. In my head it makes sense, but for my body – well I am in awe of myself (haha!) in terms of its biology. In 4 months it is has healed itself inside and out, recovered from an operation and thrown itself back into life, and I have recovered a lot quicker than I thought.

 

So, it has been 4 months, or 16 weeks, or 112 days, or about 2688 hours, or even 161,280 minutes.

 

That, that in itself is mad. In 2,688 hours my body has recovered itself, and improved itself. Hooray for my body! I just cant get my head around it. Forget all the achievements that I think I have made, forget the psychological things I have had to overcome with this disease- for now; for once (!), my body has done something right, and I am thinking it deserves acknowledgement!

Below is a picture of my main scar as of about 5pm today 🙂

 

Hope you are all gorging yourselves on chocolate!

H x

 

 

 

 

 

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The big 50!


Just got an email that told me… I reached 50 followers today!

Thank you so much to everyone who reads, follows, comments and likes the thing I am writing – you guys have no idea how nice it is to get those emails, and although I began this blog to help me on a personal level it really does make my day when I realise other people can connect to what I write, and it gives me the chance to connect to others too.

Sorry, this is probably the most boring post I have written so far (and therefore not very encouraging for new followers!) but I just wanted to say thanks, and thanks again. 🙂 Please keep sharing it around, lets see how big of a community we can build 🙂

 

Anyway I am writing this with a massive smile on my face – I never thought anyone would bother reading what I write, so its such a lovely achievement for me! To make sure you all have just as lovely evening as me – here are some hilarious animal-related pictures to make you smile. Yes, I know they are irrelevant, and Yes I promised myself not to put this sort of rubbish on my blog, because it actually had a genuine purpose. But sometimes, people just need to smile!

 

Enjoy!

H x

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