Heartbreak update.


I don’t even know where to begin. My heart hurts. my head hurts. My body hurts. Everything hurts.

I miss him. So much. I am lying here on a Saturday morning, when nobody else is awake. And knowing I should be at his house. Curled up in his arms. Ready for the rugby today – we had tickets to go with his family, and it is killing me that he will just take his housemate and fill my seat, and my place in his life. I can close my eyes and imagine myself there, I know how his arms feel and what his breathing sounds like asleep, and how his bedroom is, and how when he starts to wake up he often reaches over just for a cuddle. And now that is gone. And I have never experienced greater hurt or loss in my life – even when my grandparents died two years ago, that wasn’t their choice, it was a fact of life. He chose to leave me, he actively didn’t want me anymore, and he chose to do this, and that hurts so much more. I miss him. I miss his smile, and his smell, and his warm arms and his texts and the way he made me laugh. I miss all those times he made me laugh, or feel special. I just miss him. And it is absolutely killing me that with one phonecall he just cut me out his life, like I was nothing, like what we had meant nothing, like it was the easiest thing in the world. I wish I could even think of him moping around at home, but I feel like I have been nothing more than a blip in his radar.

I am so so lucky to have such incredible friends and family around me, who have dropped everything time and time again to be with me and hug me and love me. It just isn’t the one person that I want, and I am not sure how that hole in my life will ever be filled. Last night is the first time I managed to sleep for more than 3 hours since sunday, but its just made me feel even worse! I woke up, and I was sad beause of the rugby today, so I went to text him – out of habit, then I realised I couldn’t and its so so sad. There is no other way to describe this, except hurt and sad and heartbroken. Everynoe says that maybe it was a good thing long term, and that I will find someone more suited to me, and that it will let me find myself again. but I don’t want any of that. And I know it should. I just want him. I want his smile and his love and his friendship, it is all I have ever known and for it to be gone is impossible. Every minute he doesn’t call me or text me to change his mind, hurts. It is another minute he doesn’t want me. Another minute he is moving on okay with his life, leaving me behind as a broken shell of who I once was.

The more I talk to my friends the more I realise it isn’t healthy to just sit here crying over old memories, looking at the photos of the good times and sobbing over never being able to make more. Instead they pointed out all the things that he did that made me unhappy, the things I wished I could change. And more and more I see that it was in a worse situation than I thought, and that maybe he stopped caring about me and loving me the way he should a while ago, and I just couldn’t see it. It is embarrassing to admit that for months I have known that I wanted It to work more than him, and that I was giving up more and more of myself and trying to change and make him happy because I so desperately wanted to be with him. And that sentence alone is embarrassing.  But what is worse is that I still don’t regret it, and that I would probably do it again. I know it is wrong in my head, but in my heart I don’t understand how loving him and wanting to be with him could ever be wrong. I want him to love me back. I want him to care for me. I want him to want to make me happy and have the future together we have talked about for so long. And I cant. I  cant make him love me. But I cant fathom the fact that he doesn’t. How could he not? We had everything we needed. We had so much joy – alongside the sorrow. I cant believe it is done. I cant. I don’t want to believe it. It cant be done.

 

I have spoken to him everyday for over 3 years, without fail. He has been my first everything, completely. I have never even kissed anyone else. I have loved him so fucking hard for so fucking long, and now he has gone, and I have no idea how to handle that. None. The one thing I can say is that it isn’t his fault that things were going bad – I was just as argumentative, if not more, and just as stubborn. But it was his fault that he stopped caring and trying. I can honestly say I couldn’t have done any more, I couldn’t have tried any harder or loved him any more or done anything else. I couldn’t. But he could have. He could have made changes, he could have wanted to work through things with me, but instead he wanted to be selfish and have his own time and just live his life not worrying about anyone but himself. That isn’t even me being bitter- he specifically told me that right now in his life he just wants to be selfish. And even that hurts, he loves himself more than he ever loved me.

 

I just wish I could rewind the clock. Could have held on for that last hug just a little longer, Could have made that last kiss just a little deeper. All of it. I never want it to end.  I wish he wanted me the way I wanted him. I wish he could have just given me that little bit of security. It is embarassing how much I wanted to, and did, pander to his every desire to make him happy, but not once would he do the same for me. And I didnt think that wasnt normal. I thought it was me just doing things for the guy I  loved, but I guess some time a while ago he stopped feeling the same. I wish I had known. I wish I could have tried harder, changed more, made him want it as much as I do. But I cant. He just gave up on me, and that is impossibly hard to accept.

 

I am so confused, and hurt, and despite being surrounded by all these people who love me, I have never felt so alone or so lost. I refuse to believe he is gone. And I know that is unhealthy. But he cant be. I love him too much for him to be gone and to do this to me. Despite writing all of this and being hurt and angry at loving someone who didn’t love me the same, and who I know wont be suffering like this right now – all I want to do is jump in my car and shoot off to his house and turn up and he open the door and smile at me with that wonky grin of his. And open his door and his arms and  his heart to me and let me back in. Please. Let me back in.

h x

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Too much confusion, too few plans. Day 2, 2017


Afternoon All,

So, here we are determined with my second consecutive post (been a while since this has happened!) and not really sure what to say. thus far, I have had a lazy morning, and a brilliant lunch and afternoon talking and laughing with two of my besties, one of whom went home to Belgium today, and the other who will be emigrating in just a few weeks. So, squeezing in a many laughs as possible today.

But, that isn’t of much interest. So, I thought I would revert to using this blog as how I originally intended it – to thrash out my fears and stresses, and hope that somehow that helps me towards a conclusion, a decision, a bit of peace of mind. Buckle up, here we go.

In essence, there is so much insecurity and change in my life right now, and I am not very good at coping with it all . Here is a cheeky list (if you don’t like lists, what is wrong with you?!) of the things buzzing around in my head now:

  • JOB. or Lack of it. EUGH. I know what I want to do, but it just isn’t happening, and that is bloody hard. Maybe any job is better than none. It is easy for everyone to say keep going for that one job, but like 3 months in and nothing except a huge dent in my savings, confidence and ability to start my life.
  • HOUSE. Currently living at home with my parents, which is kind and I love being home, but I am ready to move on and start my life, of my own. I have the option to move in with my boyfriend, which I think I would live, finally having a place of my own! But I don’t think he is ready, yet instead of deciding he is dragging the conversation and decision out, which is really stressing me out. I just want to know my options!
  • FRIENDS. Where are they all going?! Everyone is growing up, moving on and moving away, and it is so hard to keep in contact with all of them, I wish I could just keep everyone I love by my side all the time!
  • CROHNS. Well, lets be honest, I couldn’t write a blog post without a mention. I have an appointment at the end of January to discuss medication options and future plans. I don’t think anything will change, but its still nerve wracking to consider.

Okay, before this blog posts becomes an essay I am going to stop. I know it may seem that I am starting this year off on a negative, and maybe I am a little – but I guess that also means that I have the potential to overcome all these issues in 2017, and have a fantastic year.

 

Be happy and positive

H x

3 ways I have succeeded despite Crohns…


  1. I am doing my masters.

This is something I didn’t think would be possible through the mid-point of my second year at Undergraduate. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t function on my own and totally relied on my friends to support me.  I was a walking, talking crohns-monster, and I am so thankful that through a combination of medication, operations, and love and support from my family and friends, that I have been able to emerge out the other side all the stronger for it. I am working hard, yes I am only in uni 3 days a week, but more because I can’t afford the train tickets than anything else! Yes, I am napping most days when I can. Yes, I am PILING on the weight because I am snacking more than ever just to get energy. Yes, I cry and feel defeated when it all gets too much, BUT it isn’t stopping me. I cant wait to hand in my dissertation, to crack on with the job hunt, and to walk down the dissertation aisle for the second time, head held high with my family around me, just to prove that I could. Coz Crohns ain’t stopping me.

 

2. I have a long-term boyfriend, and am managing semi-successfully

I know that doesn’t seem like it has anything to do with crohns for some of you, but that, probably, is because you don’t quite understand how it affects every single aspect of my life.  It affects my self esteem a lot, I think more than I realised. I don’t think I am good enough for him, I think he can do better, I get scared he will be bored of my medicine, and fatigue and general bad-days. I get worried he will get sick of my moaning. I fear he will out-grow me, and move onto someone less broken. But, so far, he hasn’t. And I pray to every god, or shooting star or lucky coin that he won’t, because as of right now he keeps me motivated and happy, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Thank you for being my best friend, my rock and my saviour 🙂

 

3. I am living a normal, ish, life

I have had quite a lot of stress in my life recently – my dad and stepmum split up, my boyfriend is moving out of his home into a new one, and I have realised my career prospects sseem pretty much 0. And yes, I have cried, and panicked, and hidden under the duvet to escape reality. But I made it out, I pulled the covers back and I am going on. I see my friends, I see my boyfriend, I see my family, I do my work, I plan events, I do everything I want to do (almost!). There are many things holding me back right now – job availability, money, etc, but my illness isn’t one of them. HELLS NO. On a trip with uni this weekend I told 2 people on my course about crohns – the first ones at this uni to know; and that had had no idea! And THAT is super exciting!

 

 

Maybe these things don’t sound like much, and maybe they aren’t. I hope this post wasn’t too self-indulgent. Maybe it is a way to boost my spirits before my impending colonscopy – number 4 at aged just 22, blooooody fantastic. Either way, everyone deserves a little self-congratulation once in a while. So, make sure you give yourself a pat on the back for all the good, and let the bad slide every now and again, cut yourself a break.

 

Be happy, be positive and keep fighting onwards,

H x

Looking down from above?


Hey,

I think I mention quite a lot my granddad in these posts, and how I miss him. He was larger than life, absolutely insane, supportive, crazy, funny and genuinely one of the nicest people I have ever known. I am so proud to have his blood running in my veins, and I just wish I could have had longer with him, he was taken far too young. I have hundreds of stories about him, and just thinking about him makes me cry – I can’t believe I will never hear his ridiculous accent again, or laugh with him, or even show him how far I have come in my life, and how far I know I have yet to go. And that makes me sad. But, that is life I guess, and he wouldn’t for a minute want sadness in my life because of his loss. I think of him a lot, and I miss him greatly. But, I also miss my granny – although I rarely talk of her, and sometimes I think I miss her less- which makes me feel awful just to write. This is because in her last years she was only ever in hospital, or the care home. She wasn’t herself, and maybe I already got used to her not being an active part of my life long before she passed. She placed a lot of strain on my mum and auntie, and everyone, in caring for her, and sometimes I was even angry at how little she seemed to be fighting. But, I loved her. Oh, so much. And I just found some old emails between us, and the tears are flowing! Maybe I don’t miss her so much because she stopped being herself some time before? But I sure as hell miss the granny she used to be to me. And I wish I could hear her laugh just one more time. So, this is a short, open letter to her. I hope that somehow, somewhere she knows that I love her and miss her dearly, and today of all days- this beautiful blue sunny day, I know she would have given anything to be out in the woods with the dogs today. So, this is for her:

 

I don’t know how to start this letter, or how its going to go. I am just going to talk to you, like I always used to. I am sorry about how things were for you over the last few years, I think you gave up on yourself, but I want you to know that none of us ever did. Even in your darkest time, there were still glimmers of you in there-  and that is what kept us all going. Your wit, laughter and love will never be forgotten. And we miss you, all of us. Mum and Ruth miss you more than you will ever know, and there is a DG shaped hole in all of our lives, and there will be forever more.

I was looking back at some emails, the ones we sent abo9ut the K99K and how you were saying I need to make sure I finish the walk and raise the money, and that it doesn’t matter how short my legs are, the main thing is I have feet to walk on. And your right, it doesn’t matter how long it takes me to do things, as long as I don’t stop trying. I know your not one for open sentiment, so maybe its a good thing you cant reply to this 😉 I used the money I got from your will to pay for my masters, I hope you would be proud of that. I am enjoying every day of it, (almost!) although im not sure what I will do afterwards. I wish I could tell you about all the new things I am learning, and talk to you about it, because those were some of my favourite conversations.

I got a new camera not too long ago, and I only just about remember to charge it up and use it sometimes, and only then for things like holiday snaps, nothing more. But every now and again I head to the woods, and walk and snap and think of the times we did that together. I remember when me and Els came over and did a “photo competition” in your garden, and that you were so involved and active and happy. I loved that house, and I wish you could have got yourself home to see all the work that they did on it for you, it would have been perfect for you. But its somebody elses home now. Puzzle and Herbert had to go live with someone else, mum was never a dog person and although we had them for ages, we couldn’t keep them, and I miss them so much. They always made me laugh. On the last day we had them me and Ben took them for a walk, and puzzle freaked out and stopped halfway through a stream so Ben had to carry her – they always could make a sad situation funny! Anyway, they went to a young couple who had had vallhunds before, and they live in the middle of the countryside and they sent us a photo at Xmas of them looking goofy, so I am sure they are happy.

I miss you, so much. I read over those emails which were maybe a mistake because I am now writing this instead of working, but I still read them and hear your voice in my head. I miss you so much, and they make me both laugh and cry at the same time. Thank you for being you, and for being in my life.

We all miss you down here, and we think of you often. I don’t know how to end this note, because its not even close to everything I would want to say to you. So as I sit here with tears on my face, just know they are at least half happy, to have known you and loved you. And that the thing I remember most are those days I came round and we just did things, just you and I. And that right now I can remember the sound of your laugh in my mind.

Love you forever,

H xx

Going through my second divorce in 15 years…aged 22


And no, they weren’t my marriages. They were my mum and dads, and just now – as announced less than 48 hours ago, my dad and step mums. Well, this is for now just a “separation”, moving apart, with my half-siblings going to live in the next town along with their mum (my stepmum), but it is unlikely to end in a reconciliation.

This blog is everything person to me, I don’t hold back. But this isn’t just about me, it affects some of the people I love most in this world, and therefore it isn’t my place to be giving information online, and so I won’t. But I can’t lie and write posts without mentioning it.

It is affecting me, stress makes crohns worse and I foresee that happening.

It is making me an emotional crybaby, and I cant ignore that.

It is going to change the way I live my life for the next few months, and there is no getting around that.

And it could change the rest of my future, and my relationship with my siblings, and I am terrified of that.

 

 

Dad and my stepmum told my brother and I the other day, but we have had to keep it a secret until now when they are about to tell my younger half-siblings. And I am terrified. I feel physically sick, I have sweaty palms and I am shaking – and I have had to come hide in my room because I cant face seeing their innocent happy faces when I know how much their world is about to change. My brother and I said we would stay when they get told, to support them and show them we love them; I cant bear that this little family is going to change, that my brother and I have to go through this again, that my little siblings are going to have to endure the shit that comes with not having your parents together again, and it breaks my hard for my dad (and stepmum too) that this has happened. I love them all. I want them together under one roof, I cant deal with splitting my life and time between so many people in so many places and still feeling satisfied and as if I have a life of my own. I cant cope with the thought of coming to this house and those little smiley faces not being there to greet me. I cant cope with the thought that my youngest brother probably wont remember all these happy years together, and wont remember growing up like this; neither me or my brother remember our parents together.

And yet I still love them, I have had a brilliant childhood and I love both my parents and they could not have done a better job given the circumstances – and I have every faith that this time will be the same. But life seems unfair, and hard. But I am determined to make it as easy and fun and exciting for my siblings as I can. They need to know all the good things that can come out of it too. That their life is changing, not ending. I remember hearing this conversation the first time with my parents, and I must have been about 5. And yet it stuck with me, and I know that my sister at least will understand the implications. I just hope I am strong enough and brave enough to hold her hand and help her through the next few months, years, as well as keeping myself together

Life is tough, but family is important, even if it isn’t structured in a traditional way. As long as you have people that love you, that’s what counts. And I am going to try and remember that in the next few months of change.

H x

Cheeky Little Update…


So I have nothing that special to say (probably NOT the best way to start  a post, but hey ho! Honesty is the best policy and all that 😉 )  but feel like its been a while, so thought I would just check in and fill y’all in with the nothingness that is going on at the moment 😉

 

I have had a LOOOOVELY Christmas and New Years period, not in half because my boyfriend has had some time off and it was nice to be able to see him for more than just a weekend, although unfortunately not that much longer 😦

I went to Winter Wonderland twice – once with the family which was super sweet, and once with my boyfriend which was lovely too 🙂 Also we went to see the new star wars in the Electric Theatre at Notting Hill – which I CAN’T RECOMMEND ENOUGH. So much fun! We actually got the tickets from our friends who couldn’t go, and they had very exciting-ly bought some of the seats at the back, a nice comfy sofa with tables, blankets and the like – and we enjoyed the film in 3D with the company of a HUGE chocolate brownie and some drinks, so nice! I have seen a lot of family and friends over the last few days, one of my best friends is visiting from Australia, so that’s exciting and been nice seeing him when I can; although Masters work is really starting to get in the way! (how annoying!)

I am genuinely feeling the “job stress”,  I would LOVE to work in a museum environment, or a heritage environment like English Heritage; and specifically in the education department, but right now that just seems impossible, which is pretty depressing. And the only jobs that exist are on what appear to be the tiniest every salary- not enough for me to move out and do the things I want to be doing, so that’s quite tough. I am trying to apply for them still, and also start for some grad schemes – it stresses me out that after the end of this masters in just a few short months now I have nothing to go onto, and that terrifies me. I feel like I am being left behind. I also broached the idea of moving in together with my boyfriend, which didn’t go down that well. Not gonna lie, that hurt pretty bad -rejection isn’t something that’s fun to feel; and although I get his reasoning, doesn’t make it much easier! And the fact I have 0 job and 0 money to look forward to means I feel even further away from him, and the life he is moving towards. Not that he has done anything to exclude me from it, its just so far from where I am / could be, and that scares me! BLEUGH – no point in moaning, I guess it will happen or it wont!

Crohns has been fine -back on the humira injections and Azathiaprine. One thing that has been a pain is I got a cut by my ear, like where the ear lobe joins your head (if that makes sense?!) and I must have had it for over a month now and it just WILL NOT heal. I guess due to my new potato-like immune system, but its so sore and just getting worse, which is pretty annoying!

 

Hmm ,for a post where I had nothing to say I managed to moan / ramble  quite a lot!

Hope you are all well and enjoying your New years,

H x

Fom sad to happy all in one call


CHEESE ALERT RIGHT HERE

I am way too quick to blog when I am sad, but this has to be the biggest shoutout to my favourite person, my boyfriend is incredible. I know like  90% of people will have just stopped reading, and to those of you powering on – thank you. (Side note: does it count as a shoutout when you are anonymous, you don’t mention any names and you have no intention of telling said person you wrote about them? Perhaps not…but you all get the gist 😉 )

 

Today is sunday, and I had a fab time with my family yesterday but was feeling the guilt for not working. So the plan was to get up and go to Santas grotto with the kids (my half brother and sister aged 8 and 4) then go for lunch together before coming home for the afternoon and I had planned to work. It is now 1pm and my stepmum earlier decided to go out shopping with my sister, and they have just not come back. It now means we aren’t going out for lunch because we have no time, I wont be able to see the kids meet santa because I have to work this afternoon, I feel like I wasted my morning and my work is going sh*t so I was having a bit of a feel sorry for myself. I had a little text-y moan to my boyfriend, sulked up back to my laptop and proceeded to eat a large handful of chocolate maltester things (which although delicious I now feel guilty for, considering I am more representing a whole pod of whales than a single human being at the moment. FML)

Anyway, we all have those times, but I think I let them get to  me more. I over think things, I feel sad, I feel tired, I let it all get on top of me. I  forget to think about the good and how lucky I am, and instead feel sad for no reason and then spiral – many a good day have I ruined in such a way. Anyway, I sent my boyfriend a snapchat of me eating the maltester things- since he had bought them for me last week or so; and he called me. He called me just to say he loved me. Just to say keep going with the work, just to say he missed me. And I of course promptly burst into tears – great work me. I honestly don’t deserve him. We are having a weekend away to have some space, so I can work and see family and so he can relax with his too – and its weird and I am not sure I like it, but at the same time I am enjoying it – but what I mean is, I am not his problem this weekend, he has no obligation (aside from being my boyfriend haha) to be looking after me, and yet he still is. He is fantastic and lovely and kind and sweet and I don’t know what I would do without him.

I realise this is one of the worst-written most cliché posts I have done (or if there are others worse than this, apologies!) but I had to type it, I had to say it, I want to shout it from the rooftops. I feel happy, pushed back up, lucky and determined. I think having so many shit days with my illness, I am used to just crying to myself, putting on a smile and faking being okay for so long; and now I have someone that I don’t have to fake it with, and who doesn’t care that I screw up probably more than I get it right, and that, THAT is something incredible.

 

On a side note – its 2 years today since I ended up in an ambulance and en route to A and E for 12 hours, how time has changed. Feeling so grateful that I have come so far from there, and so hopeful things never go back. Also a memory of my best friend from uni, who took perfect care of me, called the emergency services, helped me get dressed, held my hand, stayed with me, everything. I really am lucky. Friday 13th of 2013 was a bad day for me indeed, but Sunday 13th of 2015 is a day of reflection and of trying to be more grateful for everything I have.

H x