During my redundancy process I sent SO MANY voicenotes to my friends, talking it out, venting, crying and more. I was disappointed by the way I was treated, and feel like I have passed my programme over to be torn up and ignored. It is hard to put blood sweat and tears for years into work, and see it torn apart. I went through different days of feeling differently about it – denial, anger, sadness, and somedays a bit of them all. I think it still doesn’t quite feel real, because I am still furloughed from my other role, so it isn’t as obvious right now if that makes sense? Everything is weird, and different, so the fact that the redundancy was happening didn’t seem as weird, in comparison to everything else. If I was going into the office, I would have noticed a lot more.
Anyway, here is a voice note I sent my friends on the last day:
Hey. I just finished my meeting, [Last day meeting with volunteers] it went fine. They [my manager and the CEO} basically went on and on about the shop, and how they were going to make money. There was a whole section on how well my team did, and how we managed to make loads of money and smash our targets and come out with surplus. That just felt like salt in the wound…um…yeah. I just, I just don’t like them at all. I didn’t really get to say very much, which was nice I guess.
I feel…really sad. My heart hurts. There were about 9 or 10 of them that joined, and they are just, nice people. I feel really…sad [crying!]. I don’t really know what to do with myself now. I have a call to do later, and have work I should do but I don’t have the motivation and want to spend the time talking to my volunteers, I really miss them. I haven’t spoken to them in 4 months, and the Zoom meeting cut us off and most of the meeting was taken up with updates so they didn’t get time to chat, and I felt bad for that. They have had life changes and wanted to share, but didn’t manage to. That stuff matters to people, not just money and updates. These people are friends and also want to catch up, the updates can be shared on emails, the human interactions can’t. I just feel like I would have handled it differently, but obviously I didn’t get to have a say in that, because it isn’t my job anymore and that’s shit. They are going to have more regular updates now which is good, but it makes me so sad that that will be going on and I can’t join and won’t know.
I feel like it is finally sinking in…that is the last meeting I am going to host, the last time I will see them that way. It is just starting to feel really real. I just don’t want to leave. I do – I don’t want to work there, I have just worked so hard and these people are my friends and it really sucks. And the people I am leaving them with just don’t care in the same way…the interest they have in their lives is so performative and for a purpose, and it makes me sad that they are all so helpful and lovely and they are going to be taken advantage of. It makes me so sad. It was so cute- on zoom you can private message people and everyone of them during the course of the chat messaged me to say such lovely things, and it was so nice, but so sad. I just feel so…sad. Stupid to keep saying sad but I don’t know how else to describe it. Very deflated.
Also, the CEO repeatedly said how she was looking forwards to “getting staff back”, acting like redundancy wasn’t a permanent thing, how we can just “resume our positions” and you just cant talk like that, it is so much more serious than that. And, if you do honestly think you can get everyone back in a few weeks or months, then absolutely fuck you for abandoning your staff in the middle of a global pandemic. If you really believed you would need everyone in a few weeks then you put everyone through this emotional and financial trauma to save yourself a small amount of money, but you did it in a global pandemic when our industry is dying and no support for people to pay rent or anything, and it is just bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit. I am both raging and sad all at once. Gah.