I think I mention quite a lot my granddad in these posts, and how I miss him. He was larger than life, absolutely insane, supportive, crazy, funny and genuinely one of the nicest people I have ever known. I am so proud to have his blood running in my veins, and I just wish I could have had longer with him, he was taken far too young. I have hundreds of stories about him, and just thinking about him makes me cry – I can’t believe I will never hear his ridiculous accent again, or laugh with him, or even show him how far I have come in my life, and how far I know I have yet to go. And that makes me sad. But, that is life I guess, and he wouldn’t for a minute want sadness in my life because of his loss. I think of him a lot, and I miss him greatly. But, I also miss my granny – although I rarely talk of her, and sometimes I think I miss her less- which makes me feel awful just to write. This is because in her last years she was only ever in hospital, or the care home. She wasn’t herself, and maybe I already got used to her not being an active part of my life long before she passed. She placed a lot of strain on my mum and auntie, and everyone, in caring for her, and sometimes I was even angry at how little she seemed to be fighting. But, I loved her. Oh, so much. And I just found some old emails between us, and the tears are flowing! Maybe I don’t miss her so much because she stopped being herself some time before? But I sure as hell miss the granny she used to be to me. And I wish I could hear her laugh just one more time. So, this is a short, open letter to her. I hope that somehow, somewhere she knows that I love her and miss her dearly, and today of all days- this beautiful blue sunny day, I know she would have given anything to be out in the woods with the dogs today. So, this is for her:
I don’t know how to start this letter, or how its going to go. I am just going to talk to you, like I always used to. I am sorry about how things were for you over the last few years, I think you gave up on yourself, but I want you to know that none of us ever did. Even in your darkest time, there were still glimmers of you in there- and that is what kept us all going. Your wit, laughter and love will never be forgotten. And we miss you, all of us. Mum and Ruth miss you more than you will ever know, and there is a DG shaped hole in all of our lives, and there will be forever more.
I was looking back at some emails, the ones we sent abo9ut the K99K and how you were saying I need to make sure I finish the walk and raise the money, and that it doesn’t matter how short my legs are, the main thing is I have feet to walk on. And your right, it doesn’t matter how long it takes me to do things, as long as I don’t stop trying. I know your not one for open sentiment, so maybe its a good thing you cant reply to this 😉 I used the money I got from your will to pay for my masters, I hope you would be proud of that. I am enjoying every day of it, (almost!) although im not sure what I will do afterwards. I wish I could tell you about all the new things I am learning, and talk to you about it, because those were some of my favourite conversations.
I got a new camera not too long ago, and I only just about remember to charge it up and use it sometimes, and only then for things like holiday snaps, nothing more. But every now and again I head to the woods, and walk and snap and think of the times we did that together. I remember when me and Els came over and did a “photo competition” in your garden, and that you were so involved and active and happy. I loved that house, and I wish you could have got yourself home to see all the work that they did on it for you, it would have been perfect for you. But its somebody elses home now. Puzzle and Herbert had to go live with someone else, mum was never a dog person and although we had them for ages, we couldn’t keep them, and I miss them so much. They always made me laugh. On the last day we had them me and Ben took them for a walk, and puzzle freaked out and stopped halfway through a stream so Ben had to carry her – they always could make a sad situation funny! Anyway, they went to a young couple who had had vallhunds before, and they live in the middle of the countryside and they sent us a photo at Xmas of them looking goofy, so I am sure they are happy.
I miss you, so much. I read over those emails which were maybe a mistake because I am now writing this instead of working, but I still read them and hear your voice in my head. I miss you so much, and they make me both laugh and cry at the same time. Thank you for being you, and for being in my life.
We all miss you down here, and we think of you often. I don’t know how to end this note, because its not even close to everything I would want to say to you. So as I sit here with tears on my face, just know they are at least half happy, to have known you and loved you. And that the thing I remember most are those days I came round and we just did things, just you and I. And that right now I can remember the sound of your laugh in my mind.
Love you forever,