I haven’t written in a long time, and I am not even sure I can see through my tears enough to do so now. But somehow I need to air my feelings, clear my head, write it out.
Two weeks ago my boyfriend said he wasn’t that happy – we had been arguing a lot- and we talked and made some changes to our relationship. He wanted more freedom, time to be more selfish, me to have less say in his life, and not having to focus on other people in essence- and that isn’t just me doing a selfish summary. I made all those changes that he asked of me. I asked, in return, that he would be more considerate towards me, make me feel special sometimes. But not one day did he do that. He promised me this sunday (just gone) that he would plan a special date, to make me feel special and remind me of how much he loved me, and I looked forward to it for so long. He went out the night before, got home and cuddled me to sleep, telling me about all the fun we would have the next day.
Turns out, the next day, sunday, he woke up, showered, came back and broke up with me. In that moment it felt like my life was falling apart. I begged him not to, to think it through, to give it time. We talked, and cuddled, and made each other laugh and he asked for two weeks of no contact to get his head straight. I dropped him at his friends, and when we left he promised me that he loved me, that he wanted this to work, that he believed it would work, that he just wanted time to think about how we can make things better, using it as a restart break I suppose. I gave him time and space, although waiting were the hardest two days of my life (or at least I thought so at the time). Then Tuesday I sent him a letter via facebook. It was the hardest letter I ever wrote in my life, telling him how much I loved him, and missed him, and with my thoughts on what we could change to move forward. I wanted him to be able to read it and think about it in his own space without my being too forceful. It took me two days to write and re-write and plan, and I poured my heart and soul into that letter. Everything I had. Anyway, he replied instantly saying thank you and he could call me later, sent me kisses. Long story short, he went to play rugby, then he went to the pub and told me to wait up so we could call. Then at 11pm on Tuesday night he called me, and dumped me. In a 20 minute phone call he broke up with me, said we couldn’t talk or see each other again, and my world collapsed.
I don’t know how to write this in a logical way, or in a way which can help me to process this, because right now I still feel it is a cruel trick. I know things weren’t great between us for a while, but he was / is the love of my life. My first everything. My first true love, and I thought my only. I promised him forever and I meant it – he promised me forever, and he changed his mind through a phone call. He threw me away like last weeks rubbish, not even being worth a visit or to say it to my face. I feel utterly worthless. I have given him three years of my life, and he has been one of, if not the, most important person in my life since the first day of university when I met him. And yet, he wants this done. He fell out of love with me, or in love with someone else, or just thought he would be better without me. Imagine that. Giving someone everything, and then being told they think they will be better WITHOUT you. He thinks I’m such a negative, shitty human that he will benefit from never seeing me again. There are not enough words to explain my pain. I keep my phone by me every second, hoping against hope that he will change his mind, but I also know he wont.
I will never get to kiss him again. Or hold his hand. I will never get to snuggle my face into his chest and feel safe. I will never have sex with him again, or feel close to him. Or have him look at me like he loves me. Or go on holiday again. Or fall asleep in his arms. I can imagine every inch of him and how he looks and smells and feels to me, and I will never ever have that again. I am shaking an crying as I write this, because I can tbelieve it to be true. Everybody says time will help, that I will move on and find someone new. But I don’t want that. I don’t want someone new. I want him. Not a single part of me was ready to give up, I honestly feel he was the best thing in my life, by far, and now he is gone. I don’t know how to do this without him. I want to call him and love him and hug him, and I cant believe that if I turned up outside his work he wouldn’t meet me like normal – with a smile and a kiss and a “hows your day”- but now I have to try and accept that that’s true. That will never happen again.
I cant eat, I cant sleep. I have lost 4 pounds in the last few days through stress and sadness. Can you waste away from being heartbroken? Because I want to. I have so many incredible friends and family around me, who are stepping up and stepping in. But I feel like every part of me is cracking and falling off, and they are just acting like a glue to hold me together, but inside, I am broken.
All those memories, all those shared smiles and secrets, they weren’t worth keeping to him. I cant explain my pain, and I have no idea how to. I know I need to accept it is “the end”, to start moving on and focussing on all the positives. To not think about him and what he is doing, but to focus on myself. But I cant. Every minute I just keep hoping that he will contact me, will change his mind. I would do anything for that. But I know that I cant force it. But I wish, with everything I have, that this wasn’t happening. I want him so badly its insane. And I cant fathom that my best friend, my boyfriend, my everything, he is gone. And because he chose to leave me. Nobody made him.
I don’t know what else to write that I haven’t already said to someone. I just know that my heart is broken, and shattered, and the only person who can help me is the one who threw me away. Every minute seems like an hour. Everything seems pointless. And I am hurting. So, so much.