Enjoy transcripts of voicenotes over yesterday, which was my last day to go and clear my desk from the job I was made redundant from. I left out some details about specific names and places.  I specifically haven’t blogged much about my redundancy and the details because I don’t want that to be public, but it has been…SHIT. And I feel I have been treated very badly.  A lot of yesterday was processing that, and so I am not including that in these notes because the internet isn’t the place for them, and there is no way to make them any type of anonymous!

 

11:30am

hey, just did my first ttuuuuube. really pleased it went fine, I was soo careful. I didn’t touch anything and even had my hands tucked inside my jacket but then was like argh this will definitely be the time I fall down the flipping escalators and cant catch myself with my hands tucked in! It was fine, I got a seat. There was like 4 people in my whole carriage, at one point 6, but everyone had a whole bank of seats to themselves, everyone was wearing a mask. Sanitised my hands before, on the tube and I am about to when I stop.  Actually felt fine. They are getting busier during peak hours so I am going to try and leave today at like 330 to avoid that. Just walking through central, and I am a little emotional haha, I haven’t been in central London for sooo long. I came out the tube and got lost haha – I only did this commute for 5 weeks (so 10 times) before the lockdown, and not its been 4 months I forgot it! The streets are empty, its way less busy than where we live, I guess less residential here. I’m feeling so nervous about having to go on site and collect my stuff, and have people just watch me clear my desk, and not really sure what is there or what to get, but I want my things and want to check my desk and see what is there. The main thing I want is a book – my notebook where I had loads of ideas for the future in!

 

3:10pm

Yes so I am just leaving and walking back to the tube. Its 10 past 3 and should be on the tube in 10 mins so should still avoid everyone from work. I had such a nice day. I wasn’t really expecting to. Saw so many people! Everyone was just like, so pleased to see me…as I was to see them…it has just been so long. I feel like it might change over the next few days as I reflect, and …yeah…now I actually feel sad just talking about it. It just, felt like going home, so comfortable and….eugh. fuck. I guess that’s a pretty shitty feeling to still have there since, I don’t know if I am ever going to go there again, or see those people. Didn’t expect to go so emotional saying this out loud haha. Now I am tearing up walking along! Anyway, I met lots of people including my friend who came up to the office with me to clear up my desk so wasn’t alone, and chatted to a few people in the office who I haven’t seen in months, and it was nice to catch up with them although weird, because who knows when I will see them again….faaack. It is so sad. So Shit.  I guess over this time it felt like we grew apart but seeing them I remembered how much I miss them all, put it in perspective. Took all my plant pots, and some memory thing, and my notebook and stuff like that.   [ Then another 10 minute ramble about my day and the people I saw!]

 

 

10:45pm

Feeling a bit low. I am in bed trying to wind down for the eve. I guess it just hit me, I had such a nice time there today, and part of that is the buildings and the place…they just feel special to me, and I still walk through them and…get like..goosebumps. I think it is such a beautiful special place, and part of that is the people. So many people were like “so nice to see you” and genuine, and I realised how much I have missed them and how part of my life they are..or were…eugh. It just feels like a family …yes a weird dysfunctional shit one at times, but the connections were real. I can’t believe I don’t work there. I guess it is just hitting me again. It is just really shit. Feeling really sad. Trying to not sit with the sadness right now, because it will definitely mess up my sleep which has been crap anyway. But, I don’t really know how to process it. I just felt so comfortable, I loved the team I was in (mostly!), felt like I was so good at my job, and finally found somewhere I was confident and outgoing, and could make a difference, and could walk around comfortably and be part of the community and contribute and have connections with people and felt like I was thriving, and honestly reaching my potential. Everyone would have an interest in each others lives, and obviously not everyone because there was always drama, but for the most part. I found my place where I clicked. Where I wanted to click and keep clicking and just felt…happy. I loved going to work, every single day. I had a voice and a say, I had an influence and connections. There are so many other places I sometimes still feel an outsider because of working part time, but it didn’t feel it mattered there. I am just…so sad. I am kind of hoping I can verbalise this and get it off my chat and move it on. I am just really sad. I know I said that like three times and there are better words to describe that emotion, but right now I don’t have them. BLEUGH.

 

Congratulations on getting through my rambles to the end of the post! Reading comments, feedback and questions literally makes my day, so please... comment below :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s