Maybe I am being dramatic, some people will say I am being an attention seeker, but as of 9am this morning when I found out my exam dates these are some of the things on my to do list, and I am stressing the hell out:
-send all coursework recorded delivery to university by deadline, that I know arent as good as they could be because I haven’t done the module in 9 months, thanks Crohns.
-2 exams in the next week, no revision done for either as only told dates today
-find out what is in the exam due to be 9 months ago but not, thanks Crohns
-revise for exams whilst trying not to panic
-find out if still covered on Dads medical insurance since my stomach is really making me paranoid, thanks Crohns
– try to book to see doctors all of which are refusing to answer their phones
-try and get my prescription sorted because I need it to stay healthy or else I could crash and burn like last time; which is harder than it sounds because of re-registering to different doctors, and receptionists who refuse to listen to what I am trying to tell them, thanks Crohns
– Book colonoscopies, blood tests and a test to check my Vit D level because I haven’t had them in months as there is no co-ordination between the doctors I am seeing.
Feel like my whole life is out of control, I cant keep everything together. And all of it seems to be rooted in Crohns, I hate this thing so much sometimes I cant do anything but cry in frustration. WHY.
Its such a dramatic post I know, but some of you will be able to relate to the bursts of anger you get at how unfair all of this is, as well as the illness itself there is all the admin and organisation and burden that comes with it and sometimes it feels impossible.
I will climb this mountain, I know I will. I have no choice. But right now, sitting at base camp at the bottom of the climb it feels a little bit impossible.
I know I have posted about this already, but just wanted you to know – I did it. I made the jump. I posted this on my social media sites – facebook and instagram are now up to date 😉 it was a big decision for me to put it onto facebook, now everybody knows. I don’t want judgements, or pity; I don’t want sympathy or revulsion – I just want to spread awareness. I don’t expect any big revolution to come from it, I know all that will happen is a few likes or comments. But to me, its one of the biggest steps I have taken. Its out there now, lets embrace it.
PS – it has already got a comment from a girl I used to be in halls with saying how she suffers from IBD too, and that thank you for pointing it out and how she never knew etc, I guess there are people everywhere going through the same thing, but we just need to put it out there loud and proud until everyone does it. I always felt so isolated embarrassed and alone – but seeing all these other people gave me the push to do it. I hope that I can push others too as well !
this makes me so proud! All these people grouping together to try to raise awareness for something which is affecting so many of us! It has always bothered me that so many people dismiss Crohns, or don’t know about it and its affects- but finally people are coming together to raise awareness. It could well be a powerful movement driving both financial and social interest into the topic.
Having said that, not many people (aside from my close friends and family) know about my crohns – and the battle I have had to face. Partly because how do you bring that up in conversation, but also because (ashamedly) I can find it slightly embarrassing..and I am ashamed to admit that! I just don’t want the sympathy, and the explanations that follow or anyone to treat me different. THe people that I needed around me before I had, I had the support and the love to get me through it and I didn’t think that I needed to make it public in order to get that support or general interest. But how can I approve of this movement without actually physical supporting it? I cant. So I need to stop being a hypocrite and get involved. I am okay around my friends, I don’t hide my scar it doesn’t bother me anymore – so I need to suck it up and get over it, and move on, lets raise awareness and make a difference!
You know that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, when you are like…you kind of know what is happening, you kind of know the truth but you don’t want to admit it.
I think my crohns is back.
Please. Please. No.
I don’t know why theres not one big reason I guess – just the odd noises, and sometimes its a bit of a swollen tummy, and…just the odd little signs. But I don’t know, like KNOW its just a feeling. But, I am the only one who is going to actually know, I can trust my gut feeling (ahem, pun not intended) in that I can feel sometimes not right. I know I have posted before about it, and I know that theres nothing that I can do and why bother writing a post but instead go get it checked out at the doctors- I know! I just have so much in my life, that sometimes it ends up taking a back seat, although I know that my health shouldn’t. Eugh.
Sorry, worst post in forever. Sometimes just need to moan, and whine and complain because I feel I cant keep saying the same things to the same family and friends repeatedly, it isn’t like they can do anything really about it.
Deep Breath. Repeat. Breathe. Relax.
I got that rant out the way, I need to pull my socks up, grow up and move on.