This illness of mine, its a fickle beast.
Sometimes it strikes hard and fast, a crippling blow to the body and soul; and in others it just kind of drifts around the peripherals of your life, always there but not always being felt. I am one of the lucky ones right now, I am in remission and loving it. But I see and hear of so many people who have it so much worse, whose bodies are still being ravaged by the disease and who are unable to continue to live their daily lives. I guess I was lucky that my Crohns got so bad so quickly, it was within a year of diagnosis that I had to have an operation. From going to just having really loud tummy rumbles to being unable to walk and being half carried into an ambulance due to pain – that’s drastic. My life changed and switched upside down, nothing was the same – but it did happen so fast that drastic action was taken and quickly, my operation that changed everything happened so fast. I am grateful that it got so bad so fast, that it was sorted so quickly. And quite a bit f that may have been to do with the fact I was on private healthcare due to my dads work – but regardless I would have been put in for an operation after my A and E visit.
I guess this post is a rambler, sorry – it just struck me again the other da how much stuff has changed for me in this past year, and how a year ago I would never have seen myself here, ever. Aside from that, I guess I am one of the lucky ones. Its important to remember that sometimes I think
I know I posted today, sorry for boring you TWICE in one day (you unlucky people)
But, I am just sat here in bed ploughing on with some work and catching up on some youtube (all the important things 😉 ) and it just struck me again, the loss of my grandparents this summer. I miss them, oh so much. Its hard – because I am back at university, and it was a few months ago now, I feel like I cant just walk into the living room crying and be like “I miss my granddad” because for everyone else that was months ago – but times like I hear things he would say and it makes me hurt. I started calling him the other day, just for a chat and to hear his voice; then I realised I never would again.
(Christ, tearing up already writing this – what a girl!)
Everyone says you have to let it out, let yourself cry etc – but you cant, not in reality in daily life with so much else going on. I am scared if I let myself cry, I wont get back on track…I miss them so much; and it keeps hitting home again that so much of me has gone with them, in a weird way. I hope I am doing them proud, and I wish more than anything they were still here to see me grow and become the person I will be – to see my wedding, to meet my children, but more importantly for all these people who will be important in my future to meet them. How can it be that my future husband (wherever he may be) will never get to meet my hilarious granddad, will never understand how he pulled my family together and kept the love strong? How will he never know the sayins my granny used to have?
A self-pitying post, but I had to get it out there.
Sometimes, because I am “talking” to people here that I have never met, then it fels like I am writing and sending letters into the abyss- maybe its like when people pray and send their words to heavan, this can be my equivalent! I miss them, and I am thinking of them, and not a day goes by when I don’t think of them. So, tonight I am sending my love and thoughts upwards to those that I wish were still with me.
Sorry for the downer!
1. Play some good music really obnoxiously loud and then dance and wail along with it – forget the mopey music that reduces you to tears, go for some good old fashioned mamma-mia or the like which gets you up and about and moving around (best done when alone in the house so as not to disturb others- but if this isn’t an option get some of the besties around who will join in with you..maybe even a danceoff?!)
2. Find a feel good film and snuggle down with popcorn, chocolate, tea, coffee, just a lump of sugar – whatever floats your boat. You will need a pick me up after all the dancing you have been doing!
3. Buy yourself a little treat. Doesn’t have to be a new car, can just be the nice new shampoo you wanted, or some new cushions for your room (okay, both a little girly…or the…very manly…err….boys like cushions too right?!) – something to make you smile and give you something to look forward to
4. Find an old friend, grab their hand, look them solidly in the eye and say…lets go get a drink. Or a snack. Or a coffee. Or hit a local stationary shop (don’t give me weird looks. Paperchase is the place to be seen, oh its given me tingles just thinking about it!). Enjoy their company and they will remind you that life is good and goes on, and give you something to smile about. That’s what friends are for 🙂
5. Use it to plan – a little more boring I know; but it means you can feel on top of everything and juust write the day off as a bad one, enjoy spending time with friends and family and , most important, your duvet – and just plan t o get more productive and proactive over the next few days.
Randomest little post in a while, and totally un-crohns related; but that’s nice. At the moment my life is a little different to what it was this time last year, and that suits me down to the ground. But it does mean my posts will be different to. EEnjoy, and I challenge each and everyone of you to do all 5 things the next down-day you have.
I am ill. Still. Again. Continuing.
I have been ill for at least the last three weeks – before you panic I mean “normal person ill” not Crohns ill *. I have a constant cold, cough, general un-wellness. Not fun!
I also developed these weird lumps down my neck, which were a little worrying – so I went to the doctor who basically said it was because my body cant cope with being ill (no surprise there then) and so my glands weren’t draining fluid and it was kind of bubbling up. I only have two I can feel, but she said she could feel another 5 or so…and now my mouth is hurting so I cant open properly so I think that may be linked to this damn cold as well. She said when you fight it off next week these will drain – try three weeks later, COME ON IMMUNE SYSTEM.
I am sat here typing and eyeing up my hairdryer, with fingers that are turning blue with cold I know I am going to head to the hairdryer, plug it in behind my bedside table and blow dry away the cold! Added to this I also have two big deadlines tomorrow (probably should be blogging today, but some things are more important 😉 ) and then lots more for the start of December – PLUS my dissertation stuff. STRESS MONKEY.
My friends and boyfriend are doing a brilliant job at looking after me, but its not quite the same as lying at home on the sofa with mum doing everything for me, is it now 😉
Oh well onwards and upwards with the health (I am hoping)
Hope you aren’t all suffering in this new bout of cold.
* sometimes its hard to not just dismiss everything as being nothing, my scale is 0=Healthy to 10= Crohns, ambulance operation. Hard to find a middle ground.