Mixed Feelings today


Hey all,

I just thought I had better post, because its been a while since I have and I don’t want to get back out of the habit!

Today is a weird one (so strap in ready for a rollercoaster!).. its a mix of being satisfied, happy, miserable, lonesome, proud, determined, dis-heartened and loved. Not even sure if that’s possible, but there we go.

At the start of this week I felt sh*t, basically. I have this ear infection thing (not in my ear, but a cut under my ear which has now grown and got infected, and just can’t heal due to my immune system being weaker than a limp dandelion) and its been getting more sore, I had blood test results back with increased inflammation, I had a rash all over my chest and tummy and also..I was just so sad. For no reason. I have been struggling a lot lately with it and I don’t understand why. Anywaay, I don’t want to write too much about it because I can feel it making me sad again already- and this is NOT the aim of this post! So, I trundled off back to my third home, ie the doctors, and saw my favourite guy again who is so lovely and understanding! Anyway, the rash is just the after effects of being ill (apparently, although it still hasn’t gone) and I got some more tablets and a cream for my ear, and discussed the blood results and moving specialists for my crohns. I also then sucked it up and asked him about if there was potential for psychologists, and finding someone to talk to.  (you wouldn’t believe how many times I just typed that sentence and deleted it – I feel like I am going to be judged already, but whats the point in having this personal blog if I lie in it?!). A few members of my family have / had depression, and we talked about this and some other things such as trying to control my emotions better, and its something I have been working on but am definitely not there yet- and I want to get help to get there.  I think I just need help making myself happy, I rely too much on my boyfriend, friends and family, that I can be so happy when I am with them, but as soon as they leave its like the light leaves with them, and I get stuck in this shitty space on my own that I just can’t drag myself out of. Its too tricky to try to explain, so I won’t attempt it any more. But anyway ,I got a number to call and sort things out, and although I haven’t called it yet, its reassuring just to know I can – and I will, when I get more time!

 

So, a bit of a poo start to the week. And I am UBER stressed- so many essays to crack on with , notes to write, readings to do, presentations to make, projects to crack on with. But, that’s okay. I would prefer to be busy and doing things than not, so I have made an extra effort this week to plan lots of things and crack on with being busy. It is bith my parents birthdays this weekend and I still have to buy them presents – which is a little stressful too! Argh! But, I am sat here essay writing, and stressing, sat in bed (its my day off from uni) with the kitty on my feet and feeling…fine. Which in itself feels amazin, just to feel fine!

Anyway, below is a picture from Mount Vesuvious, which I climbed with my friends a few years ago – climbed may be a strong word, theres a path you walk up hah! But, I was in the middle of a flare, I had been sick the week before on my archaeology dig and fought through it. I was being sick in the toilets in the middle of the day, sweating it out and then carrying on digging all whilst being unable to stand straight at some times. I was with my friends though, doing what I loved, and that was okay. (this was all just a few months before my operation, though I didn’t know it at the time!). I climbed a VOLCANO. On a flare. I teared up a bit at the top, I had to stop a lot of times to double over, but I did it. So, a measly little essay and some school work should be fine, lets smash this (Y)

 

 

Side note – I would have used brackets but  think I used them too much this post, is there even such a thing?!) When I was flicking through my photos to find these ones, I saw this photo of a view from a harbour we walked along. What is interesting about this photo, and this view? I took it after literally being unable to walk anymore. We had walked along this harbour, and I could feel my stomach going, cramping, hurting. We were meant to be walking to a castle/ fort thing (which we did eventually get to!) but I literally couldn’t go on anymore, I was tearing up it hurt so much and was walking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame! My friends were the best, and we sat down for an ice cream / drink / crohns break for a while, but I remember a pure moment of desperation in that time, that I was letting them down, holding them back, stopping them enjoying it, that I just couldn’t get up and carry on. But, you know what? I Did. And that day was such a good day, and those times were such happy times.

 

Here is to many more times of feeling shit, overcoming desperation and getting on with the brilliant things that life may bring!

positive thoughts to you all  (and sorry this was so long!)

H x

My head, it hurts.


such bad headaches, such bad exhaustion. I really can’t cope.
My head is hurting so badly and I think it’s a side effect of the humira. I want it to stop. Ouch. So dizzy and in pain and meant to start a new job on Monday. Fuck. 

Lifes a bitch.


Ciao amigos.

Having a down one today, as the title might suggest!

I am just feeling like life is SO unfair, and I needed a moan. Why is it that I cannot sort out my future, my job, my place to live? why is it that this stresses me out so much? Why is it that I have exams that run on so late? Why is it that I have to feel shit whilst I am working? Why is it that Crohns is affecting me now, I needed a longer break. Why is it that because of being ill I have extra work to do, like special considerations? Why is it that I am somehow meant to come to terms with my new medication, with injecting myself all whilst completing my third and final year and somehow do it all with a smile on my face.

The Humia arrives on Tuesday, and the nurse should come before Thursday. That makes it less than a week today, right on exam season. I cant cope, its not fair. I am tired, I cant work, and all I want to do is cry. I have so much on in my life, and nobody has thought about all the other things that come with it . I am tired and scared and feeling sorry for myself, I just want a hug and to be wrapped up in a blanket and forget all of this.

H xx

Here we go again…


So, since my last post everything has shifted a little, with having to consider crohns back in my life again.

Am having to work very hard not to throw a massive tantrum and sulk about how unfair this turn of events is, but so far I’m trying to crack on with life. 

Had some tests done to see if it the results could be linked to a urine infection or some other illness I was fighting off, but they all came back clear and normal this morning. Normally thays something I would be happy about, but not this time because it leave just crohns. 

So tomorrow,  back for a blood test to monitor my inflammation levels, and then off to see my specialist in the eve. Just what I need. Maybe I am wallowing a little in self pity, like my housemate said it’s not lile I never thought it would be back, I’m still taking medication every day; it won’t make much difference to my everyday life. But psychologically it will and I know that’s ridiculous, but it’s true

Plus just to add ti my pile of self pity, tomorrow would have been my grandads birthday,  and I miss him, so much more than I ever thought . So I’m feeling more than a little sorry for myself.

Hope everyone else is doing better than this!

H xx

Why does life hit you all at once?


Maybe I am being dramatic, some people will say I am being an attention seeker, but as of 9am this morning when I found out my exam dates these are some of the things on my to do list, and I am stressing the hell out:

-finish coursework
-send all coursework recorded delivery to university by deadline, that I know arent as good as they could be because I haven’t done the module in 9 months, thanks Crohns.
-2 exams in the next week, no revision done for either as only told dates today
-find out what is in the exam due to be 9 months ago but not, thanks Crohns
-revise for exams whilst trying not to panic
-find out if still covered on Dads medical insurance since my stomach is really making me paranoid, thanks Crohns
– try to book to see doctors all of which are refusing to answer their phones
-try and get my prescription sorted because I need it to stay healthy or else I could crash and burn like last time; which is harder than it sounds because of re-registering to different doctors, and receptionists who refuse to listen to what I am trying to tell them, thanks Crohns
– Book colonoscopies, blood tests and a test to check my Vit D level because I haven’t had them in months as there is no co-ordination between the doctors I am seeing.

THANKS CROHNS.

Feel like my whole life is out of control, I cant keep everything together. And all of it seems to be rooted in Crohns, I hate this thing so much sometimes I cant do anything but cry in frustration. WHY.

Its such a dramatic post I know, but some of you will be able to relate to the bursts of anger you get at how unfair all of this is, as well as the illness itself there is all the admin and organisation and burden that comes with it and sometimes it feels impossible.

I will climb this mountain, I know I will. I have no choice. But right now, sitting at base camp at the bottom of the climb it feels a little bit impossible.

H x