I need to get back into this…


I always apologise as if anyone regularly reads these, or notices when I don’t post; but I guess in part I am apologising to myself for not forcing myself to find the time to commit to writing here, and for letting myself own in not maintaining the safe splurge space that this has always been.

I am really busy in life at the moment- trying to juggle three part time jobs, and loving each one, but it isn’t an easy balance to maintain. Ever since my masters I have always held in my head the FULL TIME JOB as the pinnacle achievement, the dream, the marker that I am succeeding, the key point for me to move out, and so much more – and not getting there has been really frustrating, but I am sure very “character building” (eugh, as much as I hate that phrase), and actually, I think is working out really well for me. I love each and every job that I do (most of the time! Lets be realistic here, nothing is perfect!) and I genuinely spend most days excited to go to work and get stuck in – once I have dragged myself out of bed that is! And  actually, weird as it is too admit, I think that this period of job juggling is exactly what I need. I know where I want to be in 10 years time, and I want to work in museum outreach and running programs for children and education, but for now, I cant do that. I don’t have enough relevant, practical experience, and it seems like I need to do a PGCE for that to really work for me; which I just don’t want to do right now. So although this is still a goal I want to work towards, I also want to enjoy the work I do now, build up my skills, have new experiences, and become a more confident, accomplished employee and person.

 

I love the fact I have three groups of work friends, three sets of projects, and three different exciting passions in my life – although it really can be hard, and tiring, to juggle them all. I think I am trying to do better at enjoying the moment and what I have, which for once, isn’t hard, because I really am enjoying work and everything that comes with it, despite the difficulties. And maybe one day (hopefully!) I will get that full time job, but actually, I had the opportunity recently and turned it down, because I wasn’t ready to give up the other jobs I do, and the other paths they are leading me down, and just focus on one- especially if it ultimately isn’t going to lead me to my end goal – as much as I love the variety in the work I do now, and the opportunities I get, I don’t want to commit to something that isn’t going to ultimately be taking me in the “right” direction. It is a weird thing to try and explain, but I hope you understand.

One of the biggest things I am struggling with at the moment is mental health-  and not really just my own, but people who surround me. I don’t want to give details, because, that is their story to tell one day and not mine; but in essence some very close family members are having some issues, and it makes them near impossible to live with. The person in question is constantly blaming others and lashing out; they need help and support, but are hateful and nasty towards those close to them, they need reassurance and want people to change to support them, but continually make little effort with regards to anyone elses life – and this is all because they are sick. I am trying to get my head around the enormity of it all, and this I san issue that has been ongoing for many months, and infact is so much better than it used to be – but this length of time makes me tired it wears you down, and it is HARD to cope with. It may not be as bad as it was, but by now my adrenaline and patience is wearing thin, and it is very hard to deal with. I love this person, with all my heart, and will forever be here for them to help and support in anyway I can, but honestly, selfishly perhaps, sometimes it just is too much.

 

I am trying to take some space, and support them from afar, to help them where I can, but also, to constantly feel attacked (not physically, I hasten to add!), or judged for my flaws, to be constantly made to feel “not good enough”, becomes too much after a while, and just isn’t good for my own state of mind. I used to suffer really badly with anger problems, and am still working on controlling this now, and so to be made fun of for issues which I am ashamed about, and trying to fix; whilst expected to bite my tongue and constantly support someone else – it is just too much sometimes.  It can be very hard to get your head around, and I find the whole issue of mental health so difficult, as I am sure many do. It is so hard to understand what someone is going through and how they feel when you are unable to see the pain, and when often they find it hard to verbalise their thoughts- and in many cases these are irrational thoughts, so to understand them and practically see how to help someone can be REALLY GODDAMN DIFFICULT. Anyway, it is just a little insight into life right now, something I am working on in general, and trying to be a better, more patient person, and help this individual in anyway I can, without letting myself be ground down and made to feel bad about myself, or beating myself up for things that I cannot change.

I think that I need to remember that ultimately, as much as I can try to help, love and support this person, this is their burden to bear- and although I can try to ease their suffering and support them as much as possible, it is something they have to come to terms with and learn to cope with. That sounds so mean, and I feel awful just thinking it, but I cannot carry everyones problems or fix every issue, nobody can; and maybe acknowledging that and trying to segment these things within my life would help to stop me feel as though it is taking over, and sometimes like I am letting it influence every single aspect of my life, and taint them all with sadness. I think that I need to recognise my own limitations, and just focus my efforts on the positive changes I know I can make, and th support I can give, and not worry about the things I cannot change.

 

Deep thoughts for a Tuesday afternoon, eh?

 

H x

 

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