I am so fed up right now.
I feel like no job wants me, I have no money to move out, my family is falling apart like theres no tomorrow and to top it off?
I FOUND STRETCH MARKS ON MY THIGH. So I am fucking fat too. Great. Sorry for swearing, I try not too, but tbh I couldn’t care less right now.
I feel useless, and fat, and tired, and emotional. I have so much going on in my life, so much scary change – and yet also no change at all. Scary that everyone else is changing and moving on and getting better, and fucking depressing that, once again, my life is moving nowhere; aside from my waistline moving outwards.
I tried to fucking hard to diet and be healthy, and it just got me tired and so shit feeling and stressed that my crohns messed me about. So whats my options here?!
Initiating day 1 of “eat nothing, be miserable and try and just get through the shit wishing I was someone else” can start tomorrow. Woop-de-fucking-do.
I have literally 0 energy left to think of an even semi imaginative title, sorry.
So went to doctors today because I have the worst sore throat, is really affecting me and now waking me up at night, as is the cough that accompanies it. This is not only wearing me down – alongside the headaches too- but is just adding to my general stress and anti-wellbeing. It also means I’m not / can’t take my humira injections whilst I’m ill, which means fatigue is currently kicking my ass and I’m feeling generally worse 😦 anyway I explained all this to the doctor who booked me in for bloods next week, and gave me some antibiotics for my throat in a attempt to get it sorted quicker.
I am FED UP of being tired. Bored of being ill. Done with crohns and all its side effects. I have been at uni for just a few goes today and I’m done in, how am I meant to cope with a job and a social life?
Needing a little boost today 😦
I went down to Southampton for another check up with my specialist- involved waking up at 6.15, driving for 2 hours and then a 15 minute chat before another repeat; in total I was out the house nearly 5 hours and its completely wiped me out for the rest of the day!
He in essence said:
– CArry on with both Humira and Aza because although I probably only need one, because signs came back so quickly both is advisable
-Stay on them both until at least the end of my masters, to try and stop any disruptions affecting my work
-If the tiredness gets worse it may be due to things like “the part of me that got removed is meant to soak up and re-cycle bile but because its AWOL there may be excess bile which could lead to some of my discomfort and the grumbling noises” so this could be treated
– Get blood tests every 3 months for check up and monitoring
-Going to transfer doctors to one right by my uni so wait to hear from them (Unlikely that’s going to happen any time soon, lets be honest!) which is exciting but im worried to leave him behind, he is the best doctor I have ever had!
-Go see the dentist with regards to my teeth / gums which keep bleeding 😦
Anyway, I am not zoned in enough to type anything else. I am feeling a little sorry for myself, tired and a bit fed up (whats new?!) so I will stop now rather than fill this post with moaning!
I am ill. Still. Again. Continuing.
I have been ill for at least the last three weeks – before you panic I mean “normal person ill” not Crohns ill *. I have a constant cold, cough, general un-wellness. Not fun!
I also developed these weird lumps down my neck, which were a little worrying – so I went to the doctor who basically said it was because my body cant cope with being ill (no surprise there then) and so my glands weren’t draining fluid and it was kind of bubbling up. I only have two I can feel, but she said she could feel another 5 or so…and now my mouth is hurting so I cant open properly so I think that may be linked to this damn cold as well. She said when you fight it off next week these will drain – try three weeks later, COME ON IMMUNE SYSTEM.
I am sat here typing and eyeing up my hairdryer, with fingers that are turning blue with cold I know I am going to head to the hairdryer, plug it in behind my bedside table and blow dry away the cold! Added to this I also have two big deadlines tomorrow (probably should be blogging today, but some things are more important 😉 ) and then lots more for the start of December – PLUS my dissertation stuff. STRESS MONKEY.
My friends and boyfriend are doing a brilliant job at looking after me, but its not quite the same as lying at home on the sofa with mum doing everything for me, is it now 😉
Oh well onwards and upwards with the health (I am hoping)
Hope you aren’t all suffering in this new bout of cold.
* sometimes its hard to not just dismiss everything as being nothing, my scale is 0=Healthy to 10= Crohns, ambulance operation. Hard to find a middle ground.