#getyourbellyout


#getyourbellyoutfinal

I know I have posted about this already, but just wanted you to know – I did it. I made the jump. I posted this on my social media sites – facebook and instagram are now up to date 😉 it was a big decision for me to put it onto facebook, now everybody knows. I don’t want judgements, or pity; I don’t want sympathy or revulsion – I just want to spread awareness. I don’t expect any big revolution to come from it, I know all that will happen is a few likes or comments. But to me, its one of the biggest steps I have taken. Its out there now, lets embrace it.

H x

PS – it has already got a comment from a girl I used to be in halls with saying how she suffers from IBD too, and that thank you for pointing it out and how she never knew etc, I guess there are people everywhere going through the same thing, but we just need to put it out there loud and proud until everyone does it. I always felt so isolated embarrassed and alone – but seeing all these other people gave me the push to do it. I hope that I can push others too as well !

2,688 hours ago today I was under the knife


Firstly – Happy Easter to you all!

 

Secondly – I am in shock. My operation was 4 months ago today…4 months…

I don’t even know how to explain it (times like this I admire people who blog and write and always find exactly the words they need to describe their thoughts…I feel as though my thoughts never fluidly translate into my writing, sorry). In one way it seems like a lifetime ago that I was waking up in that hospital room, panicking and checking if I had a stoma bag, being wheeled into my room, beeping myself with morphine, and being in my own hospital room and trying to figure out what was happening. Feels like a lifetime ago that before that I ended up in A and E (4 months 1 week ago today, if anyones interested) and that I was in so much pain I couldn’t stop retching or even walk in a straight line without help. And now, now I am fine; to all intensive purposes! I have a scar, well one and two tiny ones, I have tablets I take every day; but on the whole I am well now, and I appreciate that so much more than I used to. But, I just, cant believe its been 4 months. In my head it makes sense, but for my body – well I am in awe of myself (haha!) in terms of its biology. In 4 months it is has healed itself inside and out, recovered from an operation and thrown itself back into life, and I have recovered a lot quicker than I thought.

 

So, it has been 4 months, or 16 weeks, or 112 days, or about 2688 hours, or even 161,280 minutes.

 

That, that in itself is mad. In 2,688 hours my body has recovered itself, and improved itself. Hooray for my body! I just cant get my head around it. Forget all the achievements that I think I have made, forget the psychological things I have had to overcome with this disease- for now; for once (!), my body has done something right, and I am thinking it deserves acknowledgement!

Below is a picture of my main scar as of about 5pm today 🙂

 

Hope you are all gorging yourselves on chocolate!

H x

 

 

 

 

 

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Genuinely not a muffin top..


Genuinely not a muffin top..

I would just like to point out before this post goes any further that this picture (which looks more and more gross the longer I look at it) isn’t just a fat roll on my stomach poking over my jeans…

the point of this post was to show the weird “V” shaped-ness that my stomach has decided to take on, the scar skin I guess is still a bit tighter? I Don’t really understand. But whenever I try to show people they dismiss it as a no big deal, but I don’t feel like anyone can see it properly aside from through my, birds eye view. Hence this photo, I had to sit down to get my jeans in the background so it would show up – but there is a definite indent where the scar is…im hoping its going to go? You cant really tell when im upright or walking around, but I keep noticing it when I am sat down, and its just weird… anyone else had anything similar?!

I Was flicking through the pictures on my phone the other day, and I have a suprising number of my scar and stomach – definitely not a usual photo album! I was looking and I was proud of them, and of myself for putting them on this blog. I wear anything from a size 8 to 10 to 12 depending on the shop or clothing, I know I am not fat but I am not skinny either. I am not well toned or skinny even though I try to go to the gym. And I am guilty of skipping the gym for a takeaway curry with my friends- I am a normal person. I have my insecutirites putting pictures (like this) of my stomach up, for me it definitely isn’t the kind of “body shots” you see a lot of girls posting these days, but I think its a real and honest view, if nothing else.

Anyway, scar is healing well – last bit of surgery sting / stitch that was sticking up came off yesterday, very exciting!

Hope you are all having a good week, and please keep on liking / following the blog! So close to having 50 followers, which would be totally unbelievable!

Keep smiling,

H x

“clap along if you feel like a room without a roof…”


This song is just a feel-good song, I mean, you have to be having a REALLY bad day for this not to put a smile on your face!

I am sat here, at my window doing some work and watching the rain hammer down, and later am due to go swim some lengths with my friend at the uni gym- you know what that means? It means my scar is going to be out for everyone to see for the first time since the operation. Now that IS scary. That means that I wont be “introducing it” there will be no “yes, look here is my scar” it will just be me, walking in in a public place, in my bikini, and my scar will be there. People will see it, strangers who have no idea of the battle behind that scar, or of what it means to me, and trust me I am terrified. But, I don’t have a choice, I am not never going to wear a bikini again – and, as my friend said to me, if you can do it now when its at its most obvious, then it wont be an issue ever again. Wise words. She also promised to violently dunk someone if they dared stare for too long – which may have helped more than the wise words… 😉 But regardless, a day of facing fears. Wish me luck!

H x

one month ago today


I might do a longer post later, I’m not sure.

But, 20/12/2013 I had my operation, one month ago today. I cant believe it, seems so long ago, another lifetime that I was waiting in that hospital ward holding my mums hand and watching the minute on the clock tick by and waiting, waiting. I remember waking up in recovery. I remember being given my morphine button. I remember getting wheeled back to my room – we had to go in a lift and the bed bumped in and out of the lift doors. I remember seeing my mum for the first time. I remember asking if I got a stoma bag. I remember it. But it feels so long ago.

 

Im nostalgic about it in a weird way I guess, I feel like a big thing that was in my life is over, in terms of the operation. A huge step in my life has been taken, forwards I hope; and of course I am glad, but it is a weird feeling. I hope that, in a weird selfish way, my scar remains visible for a while longer (which I know it will) but because I get caught in this weird place – one where I am stuck between not wanting people to treat me differently and treat me ill, but also wanting them to know I am ill (or was ill – hopefully its mainly in the past) and accept that fact when I have a bad day and not just think I am moaning. With the hospital and the surgery and the scar I was no longer in that place, I was accepted as having been ill and weaker and needing to recover, and I am not trying to say I want that, or need it in my life; but it felt good to have proof and to not be constantly trying to justify how I felt when I was down. Its the weirdest feeling, and one I never thought I would have, or struggle so much in expressing. It seems an almost childish desire in a way; a need to be recognised and supported with sympathy when I need it, but not to be pandered to when I don’t… is that possible? I hope to find that balance.

 

Maybe I wont need another post later…I hope that those ramblings make some sense to some of you, I never feel like I write in an eloquent fashion compared to many bloggers out there, but my aim is more to get honest thoughts and feelings out onto this space, as opposed to well written ones with good sentence structure!

 

One month can change a lifetime.

 

H x

Scars, Siblings and Smiling


My scar is looking brilliant, considering it is less than a month old! (see my older post: https://livingmylifewithcrohns.wordpress.com/2014/01/12/the-greatest-healing-therapy-is-friendship-and-love/ for a picture a few days ago) Although, to be fair I have never had an operation before, or even a proper scar, so I actually have very little idea about how it should be healing / looking like 3 and a half weeks in – but regardless I am very proud of my little body soldiering on through and fixing itself…well, it does owe me, its not like it normally works properly!

ANYWAYYY I am back home and am loving catching up on some missed family time, and enjoying the feeling of getting healthier and stronger again. My little siblings (a brother aged 2 and a sister aged 6…also a younger brother aged 18 but he isn’t really involved in this story 😉 ) LOVE looking at my scar, they find it hilarious. Most days when I get back into the house my youngest brother goes “me see your tummy tunnel, tummy tunnel!!!” which also involves squirming around and trying to pull my top up, no matter who else is in the room..awks. He loves it, he thinks its so weird, as soon as I show him he always looks shocked and goes “it very big” and then poddles off! My sister takes it one step further, this was our conversation yesterday:

“I want to see too if he gets to” Me : “Okay, look, its the same as yesterday.”
“Hmm…Its quite scratchy like isn’t it”
Me: “What…?”
“Well, it looks like a big scratch, but not a very good one because its a teeny weeny bit wiggly if you look really close. And my scratches are never wiggly like that.”
Me: “Oh. I know, it looks pretty weird, but it looks so much better than it used to, I think in the future we will hardly be able to see it”
“REALLY?!?! Well I don’t know it at the start because you had a big plaster on and wouldn’t let me see. remember?! Even though I showed you my wobbly tooth straight away”
Me:”Sorry. The doctor said I had to!”
“I think your doctor might not be very good. He made your tummy worse – now it has a big hole in and a weird scratch!”
Me: “No, he was making it better I feel…..right everyone left the room. good”

They make me laugh, blatant honesty is all you can expect and I love the fact that she still sees my illness as worse now than before because of my “wonky scratch”, what an innocent way to view it all, I love it!
Aside from that my recovery is continuing slowly, I am hoping to return to university next weekend – fingers crossed! I am so sick of being the ill kid and missing out on all the fun and everything involved with being there! I have missed all my exams and coursework deadlines – so have been busily filling out lots of paperwork, forms “evidence sheets” and the like to submit to my university so that they can grant me special considerations and then allow me to retake / re submit later in the year. FINGERS CROSSED. Well, not fingers crossed, if they decline it I have failed the semester and will be kicking up one hell of a fuss, since this is what I was told to do! Anyway, that rant is for another day 😉

I have been busy this morning ringing around the hospital and insurance companies, in an attempt to square everything out, because my organisational skills went downhill fast with the operation, I just had too much else on my mind! BLEUGH. I am having such bad sleep at the moment, I don’t manage to fall asleep until something crazy like 3am most days, even though I am in bed from about 11.30; too much on my mind I think .I am making list after list on my phone of things to do, and then slowly trying to work through them the next day…what an exciting life I lead!

Anyway, just thought my scar anecdote might bring a smile to a few of your faces. Apologies for the rest of the ramble! Just remember, as long as your smiling, you will be okay! Whether you have your own wonky scratch as a physical reminder of your disease or not; find something about the situation that will make you smile when things get tough, its the best medicine!

H x

“The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love”


scar

title quote from Hubert H Humphrey

This is my scar as of yesterday, and yes, finally I see progress! Maybe that is a little Melodramatic, but I can finally begin to accept that this scar is mine now, I claim it as my own and move on and get on with it. I don’t need to check it every hour, its still there, its still “ugly” but its fading and healing and one day I will have to point it out to people who will squint at my stomach and dismiss it as not much. I look forward to that day – ironically I guess I am going to miss it. It is pretty much the only physical reminder I have of my Crohns, and as such it is something I can show people to prove I was ill. If my stomach hurts, I can show my scar, if I am feeling too tired and drained from being ill, I can show them my scar; but in the future the scar is going to fade and I guess I am scared that with it too will fade peoples belief in my illness. On the other hand, I am hoping that the Crohns is going to be in remission for a while now (touch wood) because of the operation and the medicines I continue to take, but who knows…

This post started as something quite jolly – my scar is fading and it was a bit of good news to update you all with…but somehow it turned a little bit sour when I started writing. You know that feeling when your typing and more thoughts just flow into your head and change the direction of the sentence? That’s what just happened here, that little revelation struck me that actually (loathe as I am to admit it) I guess in a weird kind of way I am going to grow attached to my scar, my little battle wound as it were.

Moving on, the reason I picked that quote as the title to the post is because at the moment I am feeling positive and happy, I have a lot of stresses and pressures on me, and I am feeling a bit bogged down with it all – but I keep being reminded of what amazing friends and family I have all around me, and they buoy me up on my bad days. I am so grateful to every single one of them.

Hoping that you are all having a lovely weekend

H x