Why the insecurities and the inability to cope?


Hey all,

It has been forever since I have posted, and for that I am sorry. I have got a little caught up in, well, life. So I will break this update down into a few sections, to try and make it less mind-numbingly boring to read.

 

Part 1 – The Title

So, I am just struggling with life a little at the moment. I have completed my masters, and am therefore awkwardly floating about in the realms of unemployment, volunteering and bankruptcy (perhaps a tad of an exaggeration, but my savings have definitely taken a toll!). It is hard to be positive when nothing appears right, and although on some days I feel confident and excited, others, like today, involve sitting alone in bed, undressed and unmoving until 1 in the afternoon. And nobody knows. and nobody cares. and it impacts nobody. and I am achieveing nothing. And it is all too depressing. I feel as though I may have an aim and a goal, but I am treading water unable to achieve them – and meanwhile being wasteful and unsuccessful and a general nonsense. Which, by the way, is not fun.

Part 2 – The title, again.

So the other part of the title to this blog was about the insecurities. Needless to say I am a very insecure person, and I think perhaps I do not value my own self worth. I am kind, and clever, strong and faithful, and, I like to think, bring support and laughter to those around me. But, it just doesnt seem enough sometimes. My relationship with my boyfriend is being negatively impacted because of it, because of a mixture of things but all of them are too much together. It is the hardest thing in the world to know your mentality is causing issues, but being utterly unable to change it, because it is you. My paranoia and my worrying is as much a part of my personality as my eye colour – and yet I need it to change, but I can’t change it, and that is frustrating and scary and worrying all at once.

 

The Job hunt

As metioned above, I finally finished my masters (yay) but am yet to get a job (boo). Which is an awkward phase. Am desperate to work within the museum sector, I think it is my calling! Unfortunately my calling is very much on the “please hold” tone – there is pretty much no availablility, and when there is a job I apply for, I am inevitably turned away. Not fun. I have given myself until christmas to try and work really hard on applications, at volunteering, and at building my CV and doing some part time work for money – but so far it is proving more than a little depressing, especially when everyone else in my life appears to be so successful.

 

The Crohns

This perhaps shouldnt have come last, but it isnt the most exciting topic to blog about – especially when it is being stressful! Okay, perhaps I should’t say stressful, given the issues it has caused in the past, but managing the hospital appointments is just not easy! I have one near the start of Novemeber, but due to the hospital messing up the forms I have been unable to go and get check up blood-tests, which I want, since I am feeling uber fatigued even having done nothing all day, which is clearly not normal. I also have been feeling a few familiar crohns signs again, and want to be on top of it; so the inability to get it tested as regurlarly as I should due to the hospital having incorrect paperwork – is REALLY annoying.

 

Sorry for the random nature of this post, I will try to be more ontop of posting again, and be more regular!

H x

Masters Mayhem


So, I am officially useless at blogging. I used to be really good at keeping you up-to-date, but now my crohns is in remission (touch wood!) it seems there is a lot less worth writing about. Sorry!

So, my 23rd birthday is in 10 days (gulp, I feel so old writing that) – and I am not exactly where I thought I would be by now. I feel way too old to still be at university, to be living at home, to not have a job…but still too young to spend all day every day in an office churning out some inevitably boring nonsense which I couldn’t care less about. So my current dilemma is balancing money, friends, family, work, boyfriend, masters dissertation and the job hunt – all to try and figure out where I want to be, and how I want to get there. Its a tricky one indeed.

My masters is due 6 weeks today, which makes me feel more than a little queasy, and i have currently lost 100% of my motivation and ability to work. I spend my days procrastinating and then feeling horribly guilty about my lack of work – not a productive or healthy way to be spending my time. I am hoping to just push through, crack on and force myself to work; because getting a good grade in this dissertation is hugely important to my overall masters, and it seems wasteful to just be giving up at the end.

On the job front. hmm. So I still want to work within museums and heritage, but it seems so bloody difficult. If I keep trying, theres a chance I will get lucky, find a break, a way in; but realistically it is looking less and less plausible. Only the odd volunteer role comes my way, which isnt going to be enough to pay my bills and let me live the life I want. But then, I am too young (I think) to just be doing a job I hate, for the sake of money. So; the dilemma. How long to keep waiting, to keep hoping, before just going for something else? And before everyone rushes in with “dont give up on your dreams, it will be worth it in the end blah b lah” – try living on pretty much no money, with all your friends moving out and upwards, and being stuck in the same cycle you were in aged 15. Theres a limit to how long you can wait, trust me.

 

The crohns front, my old friend, seems to be happy resting its ugly head for now, thank god. I am struggling a bit with being overly tired at the moment, but I guess the general stress factor can be thanked for that, although I do have a tendency to blame everything bad on crohns – its caused enough trouble :p

Anyway, apologies for the long ramble full of nothing-ness, will try to keep you all more up to date.

H

x

Abcess 1, Me 0


Hey Guys,

I know I have been uber rubbish about blogging recently – mainly for the simple reason of lack of time and motivation. I am feeling super crap about myself at the moment, the way I look, my insecurities, my total inability to do something which at all seems productive.

BLEUGH.

 

I had a big project due on Saturday, which involved helping to plan a festival (of LEARNING before anyone gets any funny ideas about my course 😉   ) and despite the stress that actually really helped to keep me focussed and motivated, and something to do everyday, with people to see. Now, not so much. Plus, I recently found a hard lump, which the doctor said was the start of an abcess, and that proceeded to pop on Saturday night- which was just massively embarassing and inconvenient seeing as I was at my boyfriends, and had no idea what was going on. It ended in a situation I never want repeated, with him having to help me clean up, not something I am proud of , and in that moment I really felt the crushing huge-ness of this disease, and everything that comes with it. Whatever, turns out he is stronger and better than I am (which i already knew, obviously!) and took it all in his stride, and I guess onwards and upwards!

Just a post to say, I am still here I guess- and I rpomise to get better at writing, and keeping you up to date. Currently, I am trying to write a dissertation which is just not coming together, trying to find a job in a market with none, and balance general feelings of invisibility and usefulness, and my personal insecurities. So, all the fun is being had over here.

 

Chin up, stay strong, we can get through these times (y)

 

H x

Guess who is baaaack?!


I am SO sorry for being so absentee recently, the longest I havent blogged in a long while!

The reason for this? So. much. work.

I have just been insanely busy – and no better excuse than that. I got the results of my colonoscopy, all good there (yay) and have since been back to the hospital for a general check up and discussion. I found out then that I was able to stop my humira (hells yesssss) because there was no sign of active crohns in me at the time. I have since done more bloods, had a few days of feeling ill but a lot of days of being happy – and been through a HUGE amount of university stress – nobody said a masters would be this hard 😉

So, adios…Humira. I have hated every single injection we have had together, and each time got myself into a panic and distress and generally tears followed. However, you did your job. In just a year it got rid of the signs of active crohns, and , admittedly made me feel so much better. So, thank you – you have been a worthy foe! 😉

 

Today I went through to get my administrative things sorted to start a volunteering job at one of the big heritage locations in London – exciting! I hope to start there soon – meet new people, get new skills, and build up my CV. I also have a job interview on Wednesday, but for something completely different! We will see how that goes! I think I just need to get myself out there, keep pushing and enjoying life whilst I can.

Apart from that, my boyfriend is fine, as are all my family. I am slowly coming to terms with the secondary divorce / “seperation”, although there are oh so MANY things I hate about it, but I guess that is life. My boyfriend has moved up to London, and settled in well – and is honestly one of the biggest blessings in my life. I pray hard that our future stays as bright together 🙂

 

So, nothing much of interest I am afraid, apart from an apology about the delay in posting, and a promisee to be me more consistent, and interesting, in the future!

H x

3 ways I have succeeded despite Crohns…


  1. I am doing my masters.

This is something I didn’t think would be possible through the mid-point of my second year at Undergraduate. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t function on my own and totally relied on my friends to support me.  I was a walking, talking crohns-monster, and I am so thankful that through a combination of medication, operations, and love and support from my family and friends, that I have been able to emerge out the other side all the stronger for it. I am working hard, yes I am only in uni 3 days a week, but more because I can’t afford the train tickets than anything else! Yes, I am napping most days when I can. Yes, I am PILING on the weight because I am snacking more than ever just to get energy. Yes, I cry and feel defeated when it all gets too much, BUT it isn’t stopping me. I cant wait to hand in my dissertation, to crack on with the job hunt, and to walk down the dissertation aisle for the second time, head held high with my family around me, just to prove that I could. Coz Crohns ain’t stopping me.

 

2. I have a long-term boyfriend, and am managing semi-successfully

I know that doesn’t seem like it has anything to do with crohns for some of you, but that, probably, is because you don’t quite understand how it affects every single aspect of my life.  It affects my self esteem a lot, I think more than I realised. I don’t think I am good enough for him, I think he can do better, I get scared he will be bored of my medicine, and fatigue and general bad-days. I get worried he will get sick of my moaning. I fear he will out-grow me, and move onto someone less broken. But, so far, he hasn’t. And I pray to every god, or shooting star or lucky coin that he won’t, because as of right now he keeps me motivated and happy, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Thank you for being my best friend, my rock and my saviour 🙂

 

3. I am living a normal, ish, life

I have had quite a lot of stress in my life recently – my dad and stepmum split up, my boyfriend is moving out of his home into a new one, and I have realised my career prospects sseem pretty much 0. And yes, I have cried, and panicked, and hidden under the duvet to escape reality. But I made it out, I pulled the covers back and I am going on. I see my friends, I see my boyfriend, I see my family, I do my work, I plan events, I do everything I want to do (almost!). There are many things holding me back right now – job availability, money, etc, but my illness isn’t one of them. HELLS NO. On a trip with uni this weekend I told 2 people on my course about crohns – the first ones at this uni to know; and that had had no idea! And THAT is super exciting!

 

 

Maybe these things don’t sound like much, and maybe they aren’t. I hope this post wasn’t too self-indulgent. Maybe it is a way to boost my spirits before my impending colonscopy – number 4 at aged just 22, blooooody fantastic. Either way, everyone deserves a little self-congratulation once in a while. So, make sure you give yourself a pat on the back for all the good, and let the bad slide every now and again, cut yourself a break.

 

Be happy, be positive and keep fighting onwards,

H x

Guess who’s back?! 


Sorry for the break since my last post (or maybe you all are welcoming the peace and quiet?!) but I am back and back with a vengeance 😉 I have just been so busy recently and everytime I have thought about posting I chicken out, it’s tiring to put yourself out there and open yourself up to the world sometimes! 

Anyway, where am I now? Sat in the cafe opposite UCL Archaeology Building waiting to go for my next lecture,  because yes I AM A MASTERS STUDENT awahhooooo. Very exciting but also tiring and slightly stressful! I am enjoying it but it is all a lot f pressure and quite scary!

Things with my boyfriend are…good. We had a bit of a rough patch which is hard and scary, but we are also (I think) having some of the best times together. I found out yesterday he has read part of this blog (hey if one day you read this!) and it felt pretty damn weird. I ha said I wouldn’t mind but since I didn’t know he was it felt a bit like snooping I guess. I asked what he thought, although I was dreading the answer. I was worried he would think “moany” “grumpy” “pathetic” “weird” and the like; and all he was actually saying was that I should never stop. Never change what I write, to keep being honest and truthful and leaking anything I need to to make myself feel better. All he was worried about what that I found out he read this and that it would change what or how I wrote. And maybe it will. And I am sad about that. But I am also pleased and feel even closer to him. I am proud I am dating someone who is so kind that that is all he worries about, not the manic moaning and weird whining that he read. So, if you ever read this- thank you. X

Have had such a lovely weekend, although q few ups and downs, and am already counting down the days until the next one- y life seems spent waiting for something else to happen, which isn’t how I want it to be! 

I am scared about the future and how much everything is going to be changing for me. And how o hope that I can hold on to some things that I have now, and it will slip away. I hope it doesn’t. I am so so happy, and those times when i feel sad I can cope. And that feels good.
Wish me luck with yet another humira injection tonight. Sob.

H x

Let’s smash this 👌🏼


okay so sometime you gotta fake it till you make it. I may not be sure of myself and of my future, but If I’m not positive about it, then it definitely won’t happen! 

I am gonna ACE the last few weeks at my job, making some extra money and helping them out.

I may be the heaviest I have been, but I am going to LOVE the way I look because it is a result of everything I have been through and I am going to PERSEVERE (had to google how to spell that!) with trying to lose weight, one day it WILL happen

I am going to ENJOY my new masters and make new friends and continue to be a happy, friendly person

I will NERD UP , study hard and SUCCEED at my masters. It is something I love and something o know I can do well at.

I will get ORGANISED and make sure I get on with my volunteering, being a HELPER-FAIRY- ARCHAEOLOGY-MUSEUM-WOMAN getting involved in as many projects as I can to boost my CV, my confidence and experience, and who knows, someone may even pay me for it!

I will CALM DOWN about my finances, obviously money is a concern but I can get through this and I have committed so I may as well push for the best outcome

I can be happy for the change in others lives and their ACHIEVEMENTS without feeling like I pale in comparison. Everyone is different else life would be boring. 

I will SQUASH my crohns insecurities and take on anything it throws at me. Again. Hah. 
I can do all this, and more. I need to focus on the amazing potential this year has and not all the scary parts. It is hard to keep on track and everything but I need to keep trying. Let’s do this. 

H x