Okay so this blog has kind of turned into a miserable rant space, but to be honest, that’s all that is in my head right now, so all I can write about.
yesterday one of my best friends went for drinks with my ex, and however much I didn’t want her to go, she did; as she should, because I cant stop her being friends with who she wants to talk to. However, she then had lunch with me today and informed me not only has he been to Magaluf, but he is also dating other people. As in actual dating. As in, with feelings. Which not only ruined lunch (I cried, didn’t eat anything and left) but we then had a huge fight, resulting in a shouting match in her car; because of everything. I over reacted, tensions were too high, she got angry at me, I got angry back. It was a disaster. And even though we have spoke since then and cleared the air, it feels like nothing can go back to the way it was. Not only do I somehow have to process the fact that he has moved on, completely, and that there is no use in my pathetic imagined scenarios for ways to win him back; but also that I am pushing my friends away through my inability to get a handle on my grief, and that is only making things worse.
How can I be friends with someone who is friends with him? Who can see me literally falling apart every day and trying to put myself back together, and yet can sit and have cocktails with him without once calling him out on what he did, and just discuss his new girls. I cant, I don’t know how to do that. he threw me away like I was nothing, and if I have any hope of ever getting myself back to how I was, then I need no trace of him in my life. Up until this lunchtime I have spent hours trying to figure out how to reach out to him, how to change his mind or at least tell him how I feel; and yet he told her to ask me not to. He doesn’t want to hear from me. He has moved on. How the hell do I process that. How the hell do I get my head around the fact that a guy I still love, not only threw me away, but has replaced me in no time at all. The guy I thought I was going to marry, and spend my life with, literally doesn’t want to hear about me because he is too busy with someone else. I never realised that heartbreak could be such a physical pain before, its a revelation.
I feel awful for my friends, like whatever I do is wrong, I either burden them with my feelinsg too much, or lash out, or blame them, or something. And it isn’t fair. I am doing my best to get my head back on track, and I honestly thought I was getting there, until today. Until I realised that just the mention of him and his new life is enough to knock me so far down I am not sure I can stand up again. I didn’t mean to lose my friend over it, but I am scared I have. It is impossible to move on and be strong when nothing that is important feels like it is in my control. And I know I am due to see him In a few weeks for a house warming, but I don’t think I can face him. This morning I was planning outfits to weat to win him back in, and this afternoon I realised there is no point. A new dress or a hairstyle, or a witty one liner over a drink isn’t going to change his mind about me. I cant make someone love me. But I wish I could. Because the guy he is in my memories, was perfect for me, and those memories are some of the happiest I have ever had. Having new adventures, full of laughter, with someone who loved me as much as I loved them, it was perfect. And now it is over. And I don’t know how to accept that.
Another day, another set back, another chance to start over and try again to be stronger and braver than before.