I just feel like a shit friend, a bad person, and a general failure.


Argh. Sat here with tears streaming down my face, and I cant even begin to explain why. My stupid stress and anxiety, and my relationship with my friends and theirs with my ex boyfriend is just bringing everything crumbling down around me, and I just…I feel like whatever I do is wrong.

One of my best friends wants to stay friends with my ex, and we had multiple arguments and awkward conversations about it, but never reached an agreement where we were both happy- because we wanted such different things, and neither could change the others feelings about the matter. I have been weighing up the value of her friendship to me, vs the anxiety it has been causing me. And that may sound callous and harsh, but ultimately I am desperate to stay her friend, and love being around her and the happiness she brings into my life-  but also her link to him, and her bringing him up and talking about him to me, gives me such anxiety it hurts, and everytime we talk I am just waiting for her to drop another bomb about him, another bit of information that breaks my heart just that little bit more, or another new story about how his life is moving on so much better and brighter without me. And, its tough.

 

Long story short after today I spoke to a few people and got some advice and wanted to sit down with her and say, in essence, I know I cannot control your friendships or ask you to not be friends with him, but I also want you to know how goddamned hard this is for me, and much anxiety it is causing me, and how, honestly, I am struggling to be your friend right now. Not to force her to pick, or to guilt trip her, but to let her know the truth about how I am feeling, and how that may impact me, in terms of backing away from her a bit. And  I tried so hard to write it out properly and get it prepared, but then she called me, sprung a different topic on me and it all went to shit. Long story short, she called my ex, told him I have said they aren’t allowed to be friends anymore, then called me saying “just to let you know I called him, said this, and now you win so we aren’t friends congratulations, but I now also hate you for what you made me do so I need to cut you out my life for a bit as well, and see if I can forgive you”. And I feel like I lost a best friend, and I don’t know how it comes back from this. This is never, ever what I wanted.

And it isn’t all my fault, and I hate hate hate the fact that when I was trying to explain the genuine anxiety I get- and how yes, I know many of the things I stress over are irrational and ridiculous, but to me they are so real and terrifying, and so much more; but she almost dismissed it, and made me feel like I could get over it if I just tried harder. But I cant. And I wish I could. Because it had a huge part in my break up, and now a huge part in this, and I hate myself for not being stronger to deal with it, but I just don’t think I can. So I feel guilty, and bad, and ashamed and sad how it all happened, and I would do anything to change it. but I cant. And now… now I just wait and hope that she texts me and forgives me. But I am not sure she will. And that will be utterly miserable.

I feel like everytime I try to fix things, or express myself, or move things forward, I fuck it up even more. And I am sick of feeling like such a failure at everything, and like I am constantly making the wrong decisinos and hurting people at every corner, as well as myself. I wish I was better at articulating my anxieties to people, and helping them to understand me, but to do that I would probably need to understand myself better to….

Sigh. I can only hope tomorrow will be better. I guess another sleepless nightmare-filled night is in order for me. My subconscious just loves to remind me what a bad person I am, and I am starting to get sick of it.

H x

Advertisements

Heartbreak update.


I don’t even know where to begin. My heart hurts. my head hurts. My body hurts. Everything hurts.

I miss him. So much. I am lying here on a Saturday morning, when nobody else is awake. And knowing I should be at his house. Curled up in his arms. Ready for the rugby today – we had tickets to go with his family, and it is killing me that he will just take his housemate and fill my seat, and my place in his life. I can close my eyes and imagine myself there, I know how his arms feel and what his breathing sounds like asleep, and how his bedroom is, and how when he starts to wake up he often reaches over just for a cuddle. And now that is gone. And I have never experienced greater hurt or loss in my life – even when my grandparents died two years ago, that wasn’t their choice, it was a fact of life. He chose to leave me, he actively didn’t want me anymore, and he chose to do this, and that hurts so much more. I miss him. I miss his smile, and his smell, and his warm arms and his texts and the way he made me laugh. I miss all those times he made me laugh, or feel special. I just miss him. And it is absolutely killing me that with one phonecall he just cut me out his life, like I was nothing, like what we had meant nothing, like it was the easiest thing in the world. I wish I could even think of him moping around at home, but I feel like I have been nothing more than a blip in his radar.

I am so so lucky to have such incredible friends and family around me, who have dropped everything time and time again to be with me and hug me and love me. It just isn’t the one person that I want, and I am not sure how that hole in my life will ever be filled. Last night is the first time I managed to sleep for more than 3 hours since sunday, but its just made me feel even worse! I woke up, and I was sad beause of the rugby today, so I went to text him – out of habit, then I realised I couldn’t and its so so sad. There is no other way to describe this, except hurt and sad and heartbroken. Everynoe says that maybe it was a good thing long term, and that I will find someone more suited to me, and that it will let me find myself again. but I don’t want any of that. And I know it should. I just want him. I want his smile and his love and his friendship, it is all I have ever known and for it to be gone is impossible. Every minute he doesn’t call me or text me to change his mind, hurts. It is another minute he doesn’t want me. Another minute he is moving on okay with his life, leaving me behind as a broken shell of who I once was.

The more I talk to my friends the more I realise it isn’t healthy to just sit here crying over old memories, looking at the photos of the good times and sobbing over never being able to make more. Instead they pointed out all the things that he did that made me unhappy, the things I wished I could change. And more and more I see that it was in a worse situation than I thought, and that maybe he stopped caring about me and loving me the way he should a while ago, and I just couldn’t see it. It is embarrassing to admit that for months I have known that I wanted It to work more than him, and that I was giving up more and more of myself and trying to change and make him happy because I so desperately wanted to be with him. And that sentence alone is embarrassing.  But what is worse is that I still don’t regret it, and that I would probably do it again. I know it is wrong in my head, but in my heart I don’t understand how loving him and wanting to be with him could ever be wrong. I want him to love me back. I want him to care for me. I want him to want to make me happy and have the future together we have talked about for so long. And I cant. I  cant make him love me. But I cant fathom the fact that he doesn’t. How could he not? We had everything we needed. We had so much joy – alongside the sorrow. I cant believe it is done. I cant. I don’t want to believe it. It cant be done.

 

I have spoken to him everyday for over 3 years, without fail. He has been my first everything, completely. I have never even kissed anyone else. I have loved him so fucking hard for so fucking long, and now he has gone, and I have no idea how to handle that. None. The one thing I can say is that it isn’t his fault that things were going bad – I was just as argumentative, if not more, and just as stubborn. But it was his fault that he stopped caring and trying. I can honestly say I couldn’t have done any more, I couldn’t have tried any harder or loved him any more or done anything else. I couldn’t. But he could have. He could have made changes, he could have wanted to work through things with me, but instead he wanted to be selfish and have his own time and just live his life not worrying about anyone but himself. That isn’t even me being bitter- he specifically told me that right now in his life he just wants to be selfish. And even that hurts, he loves himself more than he ever loved me.

 

I just wish I could rewind the clock. Could have held on for that last hug just a little longer, Could have made that last kiss just a little deeper. All of it. I never want it to end.  I wish he wanted me the way I wanted him. I wish he could have just given me that little bit of security. It is embarassing how much I wanted to, and did, pander to his every desire to make him happy, but not once would he do the same for me. And I didnt think that wasnt normal. I thought it was me just doing things for the guy I  loved, but I guess some time a while ago he stopped feeling the same. I wish I had known. I wish I could have tried harder, changed more, made him want it as much as I do. But I cant. He just gave up on me, and that is impossibly hard to accept.

 

I am so confused, and hurt, and despite being surrounded by all these people who love me, I have never felt so alone or so lost. I refuse to believe he is gone. And I know that is unhealthy. But he cant be. I love him too much for him to be gone and to do this to me. Despite writing all of this and being hurt and angry at loving someone who didn’t love me the same, and who I know wont be suffering like this right now – all I want to do is jump in my car and shoot off to his house and turn up and he open the door and smile at me with that wonky grin of his. And open his door and his arms and  his heart to me and let me back in. Please. Let me back in.

h x

Being dumped. My 1st time.


I haven’t written in a long time, and I am not even sure I can see through my tears enough to do so now. But somehow I need to air my feelings, clear my head, write it out.

Two weeks ago my boyfriend said he wasn’t that happy – we had been arguing a lot- and we talked and made some changes to our relationship. He wanted more freedom, time to be more selfish, me to have less say in his life, and not having to focus on other people in essence-  and that isn’t just me doing a selfish summary. I made all those changes that he asked of me. I asked, in return, that he would be more considerate towards me, make me feel special sometimes. But not one day did he do that. He promised me this sunday (just gone) that he would plan a special date, to make me feel special and remind me of how much he loved me, and I looked forward to it for so long. He went out the night before, got home and cuddled me to sleep, telling me about all the fun we would have the next day.

Turns out, the next day, sunday, he woke up, showered, came back and broke up with me. In that moment it felt like my life was falling apart. I begged him not to, to think it through, to give it time. We talked, and cuddled, and made each other laugh and he asked for two weeks of no contact to get his head straight. I dropped him at his friends, and when we left he promised me that he loved me, that he wanted this to work, that he believed it would work, that he just wanted time to think about how we can make things better, using it as a restart break I suppose. I gave him time and space, although waiting were the hardest two days of my life (or at least I thought so at the time). Then Tuesday I sent him a letter via facebook. It was the hardest letter I ever wrote in my life, telling him how much I loved him, and missed him, and with my thoughts on what we could change to move forward. I wanted him to be able to read it and think about it in his own space without my being too forceful. It took me two days to write and re-write and plan, and I poured my heart and soul into that letter. Everything I had. Anyway, he replied instantly saying thank you and he could call me later, sent me kisses. Long story short, he went to play rugby, then he went to the pub and told me to wait up so we could call. Then at 11pm on Tuesday night he called me, and dumped me. In a 20 minute phone call he broke up with me, said we couldn’t talk or see each other again, and my world collapsed.

 

I don’t know how to write this in a logical way, or in a way which can help me to process this, because right now I still feel it is a cruel trick. I know things weren’t great between us for a while, but he was / is the love of my life. My first everything. My first true love, and I thought my only. I promised him forever and I meant it – he promised me forever, and he changed his mind through a phone call. He threw me away like last weeks rubbish, not even being worth a visit or to say it to my face. I feel utterly worthless. I have given him three years of my life, and he has been one of, if not the, most important person in my life since the first day of university when I met him. And yet, he wants this done. He fell out of love with me, or in love with someone else, or just thought he would be better without me. Imagine that. Giving someone everything, and then being told they think they will be better WITHOUT you. He thinks I’m such a negative, shitty human that he will benefit from never seeing me again. There are not enough words to explain my pain. I keep my phone by me every second, hoping against hope that he will change his mind, but I also know he wont.

I will never get to kiss him again. Or hold his hand. I will never get to snuggle my face into his chest and feel safe. I will never have sex with him again, or feel close to him. Or have him look at me like he loves me. Or go on holiday again. Or fall asleep in his arms. I can imagine every inch of him and how he looks and smells and feels to me, and I will never ever have that again. I am shaking an crying as I write this, because I can tbelieve it to be true. Everybody says time will help, that I will move on and find someone new. But I don’t want that. I don’t want someone new. I want him. Not a single part of me was ready to give up, I honestly feel he was the best thing in my life, by far, and now he is gone. I don’t know how to do this without him. I want to call him and love him and hug him, and I cant believe that if I turned up outside his work he wouldn’t meet me like normal – with a smile and a kiss and a “hows your day”-  but now I have to try and accept that that’s true. That will never happen again.

I cant eat, I cant sleep. I have lost 4 pounds in the last few days through stress and sadness. Can you waste away from being heartbroken? Because I want to. I have so many incredible friends and family around me, who are stepping up and stepping in. But I feel like every part of me is cracking and falling off, and they are just acting like a glue to hold me together, but inside, I am broken.

All those memories, all those shared smiles and secrets, they weren’t worth keeping to him. I cant explain my pain, and I have no idea how to. I know I need to accept it is “the end”, to start moving on and focussing on all the positives. To not think about him and what he is doing, but to focus on myself. But I cant. Every minute I just keep hoping that he will contact me, will change his mind. I would do anything for that. But I know that I cant force it. But I wish, with everything I have, that this wasn’t happening. I want him so badly its insane. And I cant fathom that my best friend, my boyfriend, my everything, he is gone. And because he chose to leave me. Nobody made him.

 

I don’t know what else to write that I haven’t already said to someone. I just know that my heart is broken, and shattered, and the only person who can help me is the one who threw me away. Every minute seems like an hour. Everything seems pointless. And I am hurting. So, so much.

H x

A step towards a brighter future? Day 12, 2017


Okay, I know I missed two days, and they weren’t even a weekend- but they have been a bit of a rollercoaster, and I haven’t had my laptop with me and didn’t think that I could do them justice typing them out on my ever failing phone.

Today I went to therapy for the first time in years, maybe even a decade. I went when I was younger, but decided that the stresses and strains of my life currently are just a little too much to handle. I was so so nervous to go, and worried because it is expensive too, but I think for now it is an investment in myself that I deserve, and need, for a while at least. It was so nice to just talk, and have someone listen and not feel guilty for burdening them with my thoughts and stresses and worries, and I genuinely came out feeling a weight had been lifted- not because of any major breakthrough, but just being able to rant and talk and not feel like I am causing someone else stress because of it. And actually, when I listed everything that has happened to me in the last 18 months / 2 years, it really is a lot. And I really have done well to keep plodding on this far, and its no BLOODY WONDER that I am struggling now, I am carrying around a whole lot that I never give myself credit for.

 

So, today is a day of self appreciation I guess. She said something that made my insides smile, that I was a survivor, that I have done so well to plough on through everything I have; and you know what? SHES BLOODY RIGHT. So, well done me. Congratulations me. Hooray for H! Finally, I can see when I say it all outloud at once that yes, I bloody have done well to keep it together and keep going, and I am totally entitled to  need a bit of space to  let that all out. Now, I am not trying to elude to some big giant “issue” that has occurred, if you follow this blog you probably know most of what I mean, lots of little things added together, but there is more going on that is just a little too personal to write here, ( I know, shocker). I would write more about what was said, but I know that a few people who actually know me in the real world (HELLO FRIENDS) may read this, and that’s something that I want to be kept a bit more private, for now at least. There is no big dilemma, just the fact that I wanted some advice on how to cope with a few things, and coping strategies for when I cant. And its also so nice to be able to talk, and have someone listen, and just, free up your thoughts. I came out, got home and bawled for a while, and am now feeling like a tired and tearful zombie – but only because I haven’t said all that outloud at once before, and because I feel exposed and confused and sad, but also so free and relieved and happy, so I am excited. Now I just have to find a way to fund it!

 

One thing that was interesting, and maybe I should do a whole post on this tomorrow (or soon) is the way that Crohns came up, as something which causes stress in my life. I never really acknowledge to myself how scary crohns is. Because I know how debilitating it can be, and what a huge effect it can have on my life and on everyone around me – and that it can come back at any time, any day, for any length of time – and that level of uncertainty is very hard to deal with. And I didn’t realise quite how much it still impacted me, until she asked me more about it today. Normally I gloss over it, “oh I’m in remission now”, or “yes but I am just nervous about the doctors appointment” (which FYI I am, 25th January here I come…) but also ,maybe it does impact me more than I ever thought. hmm. something to ponder. Think maybe this is something that needs to be explored further on this blog, but not today. Too drained!

 

Be happy, Keep smiling, and Keep going!

H x

Pre-colonoscopy misery


Hi,

Me again – once again in a bad mood, feeling down due to tomorrow’s ordeal. Have ANOTHER colonoscopy- maybe my 4th or 5th one? I am only 22-  most of my friends don’t even know what one is, let alone are a regular at it. And that, is just depressing.

Its a glorious day outside, and I have massive deadlines due tomorrow as well (such great timing) but instead of being out in London, in meetings, working and enjoying the weather with my friends – I am at home, in my PJs, in bed, with the worst headache, no food at all for the rest of the day and only a glass of water and a snoring cat to keep me company. I am miserable. I wish this wasn’t what I had to go through, I am terrified about what the results will be – is it getting better? has it got worse? do I need new medicines? Which one? Do I have to keep self-injecting the humira? please, no. I don’t even know what to expect – I have had feelings recently that it may be playing up again, but what do I know, eh.

 

I hate this prep, I am not sure what I can and cant drink, I am not sure what counts as solid food, I am not sure if I have the preparation that literally makes me gag so hard I want to vomit whilst I drink it or the other one which I can cope with – that will be a fun surprise for me at 2pm. I am sat here, failing to do my work, all alone and feeling like absolute misery.

Recently I thought I was more ontop of this illness, but no. Apparently not. Crohns has a way of popping up and reminding you that you will never be fully incontrol, and its stupid to think you would be. I don’t need this crap right now.

So, 1-0 to Crohns for today.

 

Hope your having better days than me so far

 

H x

Just call me whale woman.


I am so fed up right now.

I feel like no job wants me, I have no money to move out, my family is falling apart like theres no tomorrow and to top it off?

I FOUND STRETCH MARKS ON MY THIGH. So I am fucking fat too. Great. Sorry for swearing, I try not too, but tbh I couldn’t care less right now.

I feel useless, and fat, and tired, and emotional. I have so much going on in my life, so much scary change – and yet also no change at all. Scary that everyone else is changing and moving on and getting better, and fucking depressing that, once again, my life is moving nowhere; aside from my waistline moving outwards.

I tried to fucking hard to diet and be healthy, and it just got me tired and so shit feeling and stressed that my crohns messed me about. So whats my options here?!

Initiating day 1 of “eat nothing, be miserable and try and just get through the shit wishing I was someone else” can start tomorrow. Woop-de-fucking-do.

 

Looking down from above?


Hey,

I think I mention quite a lot my granddad in these posts, and how I miss him. He was larger than life, absolutely insane, supportive, crazy, funny and genuinely one of the nicest people I have ever known. I am so proud to have his blood running in my veins, and I just wish I could have had longer with him, he was taken far too young. I have hundreds of stories about him, and just thinking about him makes me cry – I can’t believe I will never hear his ridiculous accent again, or laugh with him, or even show him how far I have come in my life, and how far I know I have yet to go. And that makes me sad. But, that is life I guess, and he wouldn’t for a minute want sadness in my life because of his loss. I think of him a lot, and I miss him greatly. But, I also miss my granny – although I rarely talk of her, and sometimes I think I miss her less- which makes me feel awful just to write. This is because in her last years she was only ever in hospital, or the care home. She wasn’t herself, and maybe I already got used to her not being an active part of my life long before she passed. She placed a lot of strain on my mum and auntie, and everyone, in caring for her, and sometimes I was even angry at how little she seemed to be fighting. But, I loved her. Oh, so much. And I just found some old emails between us, and the tears are flowing! Maybe I don’t miss her so much because she stopped being herself some time before? But I sure as hell miss the granny she used to be to me. And I wish I could hear her laugh just one more time. So, this is a short, open letter to her. I hope that somehow, somewhere she knows that I love her and miss her dearly, and today of all days- this beautiful blue sunny day, I know she would have given anything to be out in the woods with the dogs today. So, this is for her:

 

I don’t know how to start this letter, or how its going to go. I am just going to talk to you, like I always used to. I am sorry about how things were for you over the last few years, I think you gave up on yourself, but I want you to know that none of us ever did. Even in your darkest time, there were still glimmers of you in there-  and that is what kept us all going. Your wit, laughter and love will never be forgotten. And we miss you, all of us. Mum and Ruth miss you more than you will ever know, and there is a DG shaped hole in all of our lives, and there will be forever more.

I was looking back at some emails, the ones we sent abo9ut the K99K and how you were saying I need to make sure I finish the walk and raise the money, and that it doesn’t matter how short my legs are, the main thing is I have feet to walk on. And your right, it doesn’t matter how long it takes me to do things, as long as I don’t stop trying. I know your not one for open sentiment, so maybe its a good thing you cant reply to this 😉 I used the money I got from your will to pay for my masters, I hope you would be proud of that. I am enjoying every day of it, (almost!) although im not sure what I will do afterwards. I wish I could tell you about all the new things I am learning, and talk to you about it, because those were some of my favourite conversations.

I got a new camera not too long ago, and I only just about remember to charge it up and use it sometimes, and only then for things like holiday snaps, nothing more. But every now and again I head to the woods, and walk and snap and think of the times we did that together. I remember when me and Els came over and did a “photo competition” in your garden, and that you were so involved and active and happy. I loved that house, and I wish you could have got yourself home to see all the work that they did on it for you, it would have been perfect for you. But its somebody elses home now. Puzzle and Herbert had to go live with someone else, mum was never a dog person and although we had them for ages, we couldn’t keep them, and I miss them so much. They always made me laugh. On the last day we had them me and Ben took them for a walk, and puzzle freaked out and stopped halfway through a stream so Ben had to carry her – they always could make a sad situation funny! Anyway, they went to a young couple who had had vallhunds before, and they live in the middle of the countryside and they sent us a photo at Xmas of them looking goofy, so I am sure they are happy.

I miss you, so much. I read over those emails which were maybe a mistake because I am now writing this instead of working, but I still read them and hear your voice in my head. I miss you so much, and they make me both laugh and cry at the same time. Thank you for being you, and for being in my life.

We all miss you down here, and we think of you often. I don’t know how to end this note, because its not even close to everything I would want to say to you. So as I sit here with tears on my face, just know they are at least half happy, to have known you and loved you. And that the thing I remember most are those days I came round and we just did things, just you and I. And that right now I can remember the sound of your laugh in my mind.

Love you forever,

H xx