Argh. Sat here with tears streaming down my face, and I cant even begin to explain why. My stupid stress and anxiety, and my relationship with my friends and theirs with my ex boyfriend is just bringing everything crumbling down around me, and I just…I feel like whatever I do is wrong.
One of my best friends wants to stay friends with my ex, and we had multiple arguments and awkward conversations about it, but never reached an agreement where we were both happy- because we wanted such different things, and neither could change the others feelings about the matter. I have been weighing up the value of her friendship to me, vs the anxiety it has been causing me. And that may sound callous and harsh, but ultimately I am desperate to stay her friend, and love being around her and the happiness she brings into my life- but also her link to him, and her bringing him up and talking about him to me, gives me such anxiety it hurts, and everytime we talk I am just waiting for her to drop another bomb about him, another bit of information that breaks my heart just that little bit more, or another new story about how his life is moving on so much better and brighter without me. And, its tough.
Long story short after today I spoke to a few people and got some advice and wanted to sit down with her and say, in essence, I know I cannot control your friendships or ask you to not be friends with him, but I also want you to know how goddamned hard this is for me, and much anxiety it is causing me, and how, honestly, I am struggling to be your friend right now. Not to force her to pick, or to guilt trip her, but to let her know the truth about how I am feeling, and how that may impact me, in terms of backing away from her a bit. And I tried so hard to write it out properly and get it prepared, but then she called me, sprung a different topic on me and it all went to shit. Long story short, she called my ex, told him I have said they aren’t allowed to be friends anymore, then called me saying “just to let you know I called him, said this, and now you win so we aren’t friends congratulations, but I now also hate you for what you made me do so I need to cut you out my life for a bit as well, and see if I can forgive you”. And I feel like I lost a best friend, and I don’t know how it comes back from this. This is never, ever what I wanted.
And it isn’t all my fault, and I hate hate hate the fact that when I was trying to explain the genuine anxiety I get- and how yes, I know many of the things I stress over are irrational and ridiculous, but to me they are so real and terrifying, and so much more; but she almost dismissed it, and made me feel like I could get over it if I just tried harder. But I cant. And I wish I could. Because it had a huge part in my break up, and now a huge part in this, and I hate myself for not being stronger to deal with it, but I just don’t think I can. So I feel guilty, and bad, and ashamed and sad how it all happened, and I would do anything to change it. but I cant. And now… now I just wait and hope that she texts me and forgives me. But I am not sure she will. And that will be utterly miserable.
I feel like everytime I try to fix things, or express myself, or move things forward, I fuck it up even more. And I am sick of feeling like such a failure at everything, and like I am constantly making the wrong decisinos and hurting people at every corner, as well as myself. I wish I was better at articulating my anxieties to people, and helping them to understand me, but to do that I would probably need to understand myself better to….
Sigh. I can only hope tomorrow will be better. I guess another sleepless nightmare-filled night is in order for me. My subconscious just loves to remind me what a bad person I am, and I am starting to get sick of it.