so after my rather panicked last post here is a quickie (cheeky!) to fill you in on what has been happening …
I was all ready to hand in my notice on Friday and just dive in. For this masters; to just do what I want rather than maybe what is sensible. To do something that scares me and is a risk; rather than something I know I can safely keep doing. Anyway I let mum know and she was just like don’t do it, not sure we / I can afford it. Sh*t. I didn’t know what to do, it really threw me. Why didn’t mum bring this up at any other time in the process? Anyway it knocked me off track for Friday, as did boyfriend drama (my period hormones kicking in at juuuuuuust the right time ) although I think after talking to my dad she may have changed her mind. But she is right. The debt is scary. The cost of living in London and doing a masters is terrifying. Can I do this masters and juggle my social life, volunteering and a part time job? Will it be worth it? God I wish I knew.
Anyway I came down to my boyfriends Friday night and had a few hours of bumming around before he got home from rugby, and as annoying as the plan change was it was nice to have some time to just gather my thoughts back together and just pootle around on my own. It is scary how much I rely on him, how being around his calm self really sorts me out when I am in a flap. (I know, cheesey much! And FYI I still haven’t plucked up the courage to show him this, so the compliments aren’t even jut for show! 😉 )
Then today we got up and watched some TV before shooting his air rifle at the bottom of one of the fields at his house (I managed to miss the paper target every single time!) then we had a nap – since he was tired but considering I am due my injection and also messed up last week, my tiredness is getting pretty Crohnic too?! Although – side note- not feeling much worse than normal weeks considering the catastrophe that was my last injection!
Anyway; then at half 3 we left to get a train, no sorry; a LOT of trains (!) into London to see my family for a dinner. We are in route home now and due to arrive at 11.15, after 5 hours in the trains in total! Normally I would have given it a miss considering how far away we were, but my Grandad’s sister was over from Israel as was her husband and a friend of my grabdads from his childhood; and I’m not sure when I will next get to see them again, so it meant a lot. One thing that did wind me up was hearing my mum over dramatically tell the story of xrohns and how I am stuck with this Crohnie illness and got rushed to hospital and the operation etc; and that bugs me because it isn’t a story In ashamed of, but it isn’t what I want told to people as we meet them; it isn’t something I want to be judged or defined upon. I want to be treated like everyone else and it be my decision as to when and how I introduce my crohns. Far be it that I am EMBARASSED, only the night before I spent a good hour chatting about it all with my boyfriends mym, I am totally open- but it should be me who picks that moment. Anyway.
I am sat in te train trying to keep my eyes open., feeling tired and stressed about more travelling and family visiting tomorrow, as well as the dreaded injection and masters decision making. I am tired and a little overwhelmed. I wish I could do things just for me and not for others sometimes. I wish I could spend this long weekend at my boyfriends curled up with him and recuperating, with no pressure to do or be anything I don’t want; but I can’t, such as life.
This is a post from one tired but happy, sleepy but satisfied, and stressed but determined little Crohnie.