Heartbreak update.


I don’t even know where to begin. My heart hurts. my head hurts. My body hurts. Everything hurts.

I miss him. So much. I am lying here on a Saturday morning, when nobody else is awake. And knowing I should be at his house. Curled up in his arms. Ready for the rugby today – we had tickets to go with his family, and it is killing me that he will just take his housemate and fill my seat, and my place in his life. I can close my eyes and imagine myself there, I know how his arms feel and what his breathing sounds like asleep, and how his bedroom is, and how when he starts to wake up he often reaches over just for a cuddle. And now that is gone. And I have never experienced greater hurt or loss in my life – even when my grandparents died two years ago, that wasn’t their choice, it was a fact of life. He chose to leave me, he actively didn’t want me anymore, and he chose to do this, and that hurts so much more. I miss him. I miss his smile, and his smell, and his warm arms and his texts and the way he made me laugh. I miss all those times he made me laugh, or feel special. I just miss him. And it is absolutely killing me that with one phonecall he just cut me out his life, like I was nothing, like what we had meant nothing, like it was the easiest thing in the world. I wish I could even think of him moping around at home, but I feel like I have been nothing more than a blip in his radar.

I am so so lucky to have such incredible friends and family around me, who have dropped everything time and time again to be with me and hug me and love me. It just isn’t the one person that I want, and I am not sure how that hole in my life will ever be filled. Last night is the first time I managed to sleep for more than 3 hours since sunday, but its just made me feel even worse! I woke up, and I was sad beause of the rugby today, so I went to text him – out of habit, then I realised I couldn’t and its so so sad. There is no other way to describe this, except hurt and sad and heartbroken. Everynoe says that maybe it was a good thing long term, and that I will find someone more suited to me, and that it will let me find myself again. but I don’t want any of that. And I know it should. I just want him. I want his smile and his love and his friendship, it is all I have ever known and for it to be gone is impossible. Every minute he doesn’t call me or text me to change his mind, hurts. It is another minute he doesn’t want me. Another minute he is moving on okay with his life, leaving me behind as a broken shell of who I once was.

The more I talk to my friends the more I realise it isn’t healthy to just sit here crying over old memories, looking at the photos of the good times and sobbing over never being able to make more. Instead they pointed out all the things that he did that made me unhappy, the things I wished I could change. And more and more I see that it was in a worse situation than I thought, and that maybe he stopped caring about me and loving me the way he should a while ago, and I just couldn’t see it. It is embarrassing to admit that for months I have known that I wanted It to work more than him, and that I was giving up more and more of myself and trying to change and make him happy because I so desperately wanted to be with him. And that sentence alone is embarrassing.  But what is worse is that I still don’t regret it, and that I would probably do it again. I know it is wrong in my head, but in my heart I don’t understand how loving him and wanting to be with him could ever be wrong. I want him to love me back. I want him to care for me. I want him to want to make me happy and have the future together we have talked about for so long. And I cant. I  cant make him love me. But I cant fathom the fact that he doesn’t. How could he not? We had everything we needed. We had so much joy – alongside the sorrow. I cant believe it is done. I cant. I don’t want to believe it. It cant be done.

 

I have spoken to him everyday for over 3 years, without fail. He has been my first everything, completely. I have never even kissed anyone else. I have loved him so fucking hard for so fucking long, and now he has gone, and I have no idea how to handle that. None. The one thing I can say is that it isn’t his fault that things were going bad – I was just as argumentative, if not more, and just as stubborn. But it was his fault that he stopped caring and trying. I can honestly say I couldn’t have done any more, I couldn’t have tried any harder or loved him any more or done anything else. I couldn’t. But he could have. He could have made changes, he could have wanted to work through things with me, but instead he wanted to be selfish and have his own time and just live his life not worrying about anyone but himself. That isn’t even me being bitter- he specifically told me that right now in his life he just wants to be selfish. And even that hurts, he loves himself more than he ever loved me.

 

I just wish I could rewind the clock. Could have held on for that last hug just a little longer, Could have made that last kiss just a little deeper. All of it. I never want it to end.  I wish he wanted me the way I wanted him. I wish he could have just given me that little bit of security. It is embarassing how much I wanted to, and did, pander to his every desire to make him happy, but not once would he do the same for me. And I didnt think that wasnt normal. I thought it was me just doing things for the guy I  loved, but I guess some time a while ago he stopped feeling the same. I wish I had known. I wish I could have tried harder, changed more, made him want it as much as I do. But I cant. He just gave up on me, and that is impossibly hard to accept.

 

I am so confused, and hurt, and despite being surrounded by all these people who love me, I have never felt so alone or so lost. I refuse to believe he is gone. And I know that is unhealthy. But he cant be. I love him too much for him to be gone and to do this to me. Despite writing all of this and being hurt and angry at loving someone who didn’t love me the same, and who I know wont be suffering like this right now – all I want to do is jump in my car and shoot off to his house and turn up and he open the door and smile at me with that wonky grin of his. And open his door and his arms and  his heart to me and let me back in. Please. Let me back in.

h x

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A little ponder deeper… Day 13,2017


So, this is a bit of a follow up from yesterdays post, and I will try to keep it concise because nobody can be bothered to read my rambles (including me!) , so here goes…

 

This blog is called “Living my life with Crohns” – but actually, maybe I don’t write enough about that. I write about my life, and I have crohns, and the trials and tribulations I face. But I don’t think I have ever written about what it is actually like. And that’s probably because I had never properly thought of it before my therapy session yesterday. And also because, well, it IS my life – its just what I know, and what I deal with everyday, and sometimes I forget that maybe everyone else doesn’t too.  (I know, I used the word AND way too many times, even to start sentances, which normally I hate, but here it is meant to be dramatic, so bear with me 😉 ). And, also, maybe I don’t sit and think about this side of things too much – which is probably a good thing, because it would be depressing and morbid if I did, but perhaps sometimes it is good to say these things.

 

It is SCARY living with Crohns. Maybe not day to day – right now I am in remission, and that generally means that it has a minimal impact on my life (touch wood). But it does mean I have to make quick trips to the bathroom – I refuse to put myself in a situation where I don’t know where one is. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but wherever I go, I like to know there is a loo nearby! Also, I get very tired quite a lot – not necessarily after doing anything, but just being worn out. Sometimes this is just tiredness,sometimes it is fatigue, and they ARE different things. But generally, crohns is okay right now in my daily life, it just means taking a few tablets for me at the moment, and the odd hospital trip, but daily, it doesn’t impact me much more than that at the moment.

Crohns is scary. Because I have been there. I have been bent over double in pain, throwing up, unable to eat, crying out because I literally cant hold in how much it hurts. I have been unable to walk, and to dress myself after my operation, I have lost a huge amount of weight, I have been very sick. And it is terrifying to know that that came from within me, and that it could happen again. And that although I am doing everything I can to prevent it, and stop it, that ultimately I don’t have a say in that. It just might happen.

And that’s probably the second scariest bit, not just the potential pain that I know comes with it. But the fact that it might happen, but it might not. That it might start tomorrow, or in a year, or 5, or 35. I have no bloody clue. It could be fine and one day not be, and I would have no warning or no knowledge or no control over that happening. I wouldn’t be able to stop it. It may be bad or it may not be, but either way I will have no idea when it is about to happen and how bad it is about to be. And that, subconsciously I think, brings a lot of uncertainty to my life. It is scary that I could get a job, settle in and in 2 years be bought back down to nothing, because there is no way I could carry on with a job in the state that I was previously in, no way at all. I don’t think about that very often, but it is a thought that I have had, and realistically need to have, but that is terrifying.

The way I think of it is a little monster in my body, he may be hibernating now, and he may stay that way forever, but probably not. He will probably wake up again, and I have no control over when that is , or how bad it is, or how long it will last. Nothing. No say. This little creature (  I know it isn’t really, but that’s how it feels. A part of me I have no control over) can take over my life with  no say so from me, and the fact that is is MY body doing it kinda makes it worse, and so frustrating, and scary.

 

So, that is what it is like living with crohns. Or at least partly. It isn’t always like that, and it isn’t always so scary, and I don’t often think of it that way. But that’s realistic, and true. And terrifying.

 

I have now scared myself and need to stop writing before I spiral! Positive thoughts for now, and hope for a long and strong remission.

H x

Officially got myself a job today…


…at a company I was excited about, with awesome offices and such friendly people…but all I  can do is cry. Over the fact I’m scared, and everything’s changing, and that my boyfriend isn’t here to be excited for me or to talk to. I’m crying for 100 reasons I don’t even know and it’s making me feel even worse.

Why can’t o just be happy?!

H x

Lifes a bitch.


Ciao amigos.

Having a down one today, as the title might suggest!

I am just feeling like life is SO unfair, and I needed a moan. Why is it that I cannot sort out my future, my job, my place to live? why is it that this stresses me out so much? Why is it that I have exams that run on so late? Why is it that I have to feel shit whilst I am working? Why is it that Crohns is affecting me now, I needed a longer break. Why is it that because of being ill I have extra work to do, like special considerations? Why is it that I am somehow meant to come to terms with my new medication, with injecting myself all whilst completing my third and final year and somehow do it all with a smile on my face.

The Humia arrives on Tuesday, and the nurse should come before Thursday. That makes it less than a week today, right on exam season. I cant cope, its not fair. I am tired, I cant work, and all I want to do is cry. I have so much on in my life, and nobody has thought about all the other things that come with it . I am tired and scared and feeling sorry for myself, I just want a hug and to be wrapped up in a blanket and forget all of this.

H xx

Colonoscopy 2 done and dusted. OUCH.


owwwww

owwww

owww

oww

ow

ow.

Seriously. Just to re-iterate. IT HURT THIS TIME.

So. I needed this colonoscopy to be done, because its 9 months since my operation and I have been due to have it for the past 3 months, but unfortunately due to personal circumstances, university work and several other reasons I wasn’t able to get it done. Regardless of knowing that this was coming for a long time, I was not ready for it! I have been trying to act casual and stay calm for a long time about it, even talking it down to my boyfriend and housemates – but I was terrified both of the procedure, the cannulas and the fact that I would be hearing results and I was nervous about what they would be!

Anyway I took the Picolax for the last day, and this morning as required. I also was fasting and being generally a little nervous and miserable! Although to be fair, my friends did a fantastic job of keeping me busy and keeping my mind of it. So this morning I was hanging out in my house with my housemates who were all hungover from a night out (which I couldn’t go on :/ damn crohns!) and then they had to go out / go home so I had a 2 hour wait before my dad arrived to take me to the hospital. I watched some iplayer and then packed a bag; since I decided to come home for the weekend to recover and see the fam.

We got there at just before 3, and were shown to my room where the nurse came and asked for the last few details – and then I had to do a pregnancy test to check (NEGATIVE incase anyone was worried 😉 – I wasn’t!) and then got in the gown etc and waited. Spoke to my consultant again, who is soooo lovely – and then about half an hour later a nurse came to collect me and off we went. I was pretty nervous but everyone was lovely and I settled down and got the oxygen mask on before they put the cannula in my left elbow for the sedation drug. However it wasn’t in properly or shifted so when they tried to inject anything it REALLY hurt and when I told them they decided they had to do the other one as well; which was horrible and painful and I hated every minute! I don’t think I had enough / as much sedation as last time because I was all too aware of what was going on! Regardless we ploughed on, and got it done – although at time it was so so painful I was moaning and yelling! It was so uncomfortable and although everyone was lovely I was near to tears at times; very unlike when I last had it done. The upside of all this drama was that…

…he said there is no signs of crohns returning at the moment! YES YES YES YES YEEEEES!

So very happy, only just really starting to sink in now! They took some biopsies (how weird to see on the camera them pinching out bits of your insides haha) so waiting for those results, but feeling so happy about it all!

Finally got wheeled back to my room, had lots to drink and a sandwich then quite a long nap! Dad and I just got home and am spending the evening chilling out at home and getting some TLC and trying to let my poor left arm recover, its seriously sore!

So a painful day, but one that was worth it for the news I just heard!

Apologies for the long post! Wishing you all a pain-free happy weekend 🙂

H x

Friday the 13th….a really bad day


As if the doctors appointment, blood tests and then the MRI weren’t enough…Friday the 13th had to arrive. And I’m not superstitious, but maybe I should be. I had cramps starting about 4pm, and then had to retire to bed about 8pm, just felt so ill! Anyway later in the night I just woke up knowing something was wrong, and I wasn’t very well. I went through to my house mates room, and she was still up as it was only like 11pm, but then I got really ill and ended up throwing up. I took some buscopan afterwards and waited up with my friends for it to kick in and managed to get back to bed for about an hour; but then i woke up again to be sick – but this was all with intense crampings and pain. We had to all the ambulance in the end, and I was taken in about 3am. It was literally the most horrendous night og my life, I not only was in so much pain but retching constantly with no control over my body, I was shaking and panicking. My hands and feet started to get pins and needles because i was hyperventilating and was panicking very much, it was terrifying. The ambulance people, and my friend who was with me, were so brilliant  – they supported me as much as they could and managed to answer all the questions needed and set me on gas and air with another cannula in my arm with morphine. After a while I managed to get my breathing more under control, and calmed down a bit- although the cramping and lack of feeling in my hands and fee scared me quite a lot – and my heart was racing at something like 144 beats per minute! Anyway, we travelled to the hospital and I definitely calmed down towards the end, it seemed so unreal by this point. According to my friend I was having a good old giggle on the laughing gas by the end, about the possibility of seeing one of te boys we lived with last year who was a medic on his shift in the hospital – and about how ad my hair looked!

 

So we get to the hospital and begin the transfer onto a hospital guerney and the like, although there was no more gas and air because the hospital had no tubes to go between the oxygen tanks and my little mouth piece bit. We got wheeled through to the a and e bit where everyone had been in an ambulance (my first time in an ambulance did I mention?!) and then we waited. As this was all happening my mum was on her way to meet us, though we live quite far away so it took her like 2 hours to get to us. Anyway I ended up staying in the hospital for nearly 12 hours, I had blood tests, stomach x rays, heart profiling, blood pressure tests, and multiple oral and IV shots of morphine, IV fluids and paracetemols, among other stronger painkillers and anti-nausea too. It was all pretty scar, and my heart rate stayed too high throughout – in all honesty I didn’t want to be discharged, because I was under so many hospital pain killers and through the day every time they wore off the cramps and nausea came back – so i didn’t want to be discharged so dosed up incase it all happened gain as soon as we left. They said that we couldnt stay there more than 12 hours though, and although  I asked to be admitted and then transferred to the private hospital nearby, they refused and we were discharged. Mum had to help me walk to the car, I was getting dizzy and miserable so she helped me and we quickly packed up my university room and we got in the car and drove home. That was all yesterday and I am still feeling really groggy and pretty ill.

 

It was, all in all, terrifying. It showed me just how ill I really am. The feeling I had in the ambulance- the total inabiity to control my body and the huge amount of pain I was in, it was so hard to cope with and I dont think I can deal with it again. It was so scary, although it also showed me the support system I have around me. Also, i think everyone wants to move the operation to be sooner if possible, and just get it over with. I am so scared of having the operation, but i dont think I can be in that situation again, so if thats what needs o happen then thats what I will do…

 

So, Friday the 13t really was a jinxed day for me, ad one that robbed me of the confidence that i had- now I am scared to be on my on incase something similar happens and I am all alone. I know it sounds ridiculous and probably seems very over the top to anyone who wasnt there-  but it just was so scary! anyway spent the day on the sofa today with my mum looking after me, and everything in my body is sore and hurting, but im determined not to end up in the same situation; even if it means that have this operation

 

Hope everyone had a better week than me

 

H x