A step towards a brighter future? Day 12, 2017


Okay, I know I missed two days, and they weren’t even a weekend- but they have been a bit of a rollercoaster, and I haven’t had my laptop with me and didn’t think that I could do them justice typing them out on my ever failing phone.

Today I went to therapy for the first time in years, maybe even a decade. I went when I was younger, but decided that the stresses and strains of my life currently are just a little too much to handle. I was so so nervous to go, and worried because it is expensive too, but I think for now it is an investment in myself that I deserve, and need, for a while at least. It was so nice to just talk, and have someone listen and not feel guilty for burdening them with my thoughts and stresses and worries, and I genuinely came out feeling a weight had been lifted- not because of any major breakthrough, but just being able to rant and talk and not feel like I am causing someone else stress because of it. And actually, when I listed everything that has happened to me in the last 18 months / 2 years, it really is a lot. And I really have done well to keep plodding on this far, and its no BLOODY WONDER that I am struggling now, I am carrying around a whole lot that I never give myself credit for.

 

So, today is a day of self appreciation I guess. She said something that made my insides smile, that I was a survivor, that I have done so well to plough on through everything I have; and you know what? SHES BLOODY RIGHT. So, well done me. Congratulations me. Hooray for H! Finally, I can see when I say it all outloud at once that yes, I bloody have done well to keep it together and keep going, and I am totally entitled to  need a bit of space to  let that all out. Now, I am not trying to elude to some big giant “issue” that has occurred, if you follow this blog you probably know most of what I mean, lots of little things added together, but there is more going on that is just a little too personal to write here, ( I know, shocker). I would write more about what was said, but I know that a few people who actually know me in the real world (HELLO FRIENDS) may read this, and that’s something that I want to be kept a bit more private, for now at least. There is no big dilemma, just the fact that I wanted some advice on how to cope with a few things, and coping strategies for when I cant. And its also so nice to be able to talk, and have someone listen, and just, free up your thoughts. I came out, got home and bawled for a while, and am now feeling like a tired and tearful zombie – but only because I haven’t said all that outloud at once before, and because I feel exposed and confused and sad, but also so free and relieved and happy, so I am excited. Now I just have to find a way to fund it!

 

One thing that was interesting, and maybe I should do a whole post on this tomorrow (or soon) is the way that Crohns came up, as something which causes stress in my life. I never really acknowledge to myself how scary crohns is. Because I know how debilitating it can be, and what a huge effect it can have on my life and on everyone around me – and that it can come back at any time, any day, for any length of time – and that level of uncertainty is very hard to deal with. And I didn’t realise quite how much it still impacted me, until she asked me more about it today. Normally I gloss over it, “oh I’m in remission now”, or “yes but I am just nervous about the doctors appointment” (which FYI I am, 25th January here I come…) but also ,maybe it does impact me more than I ever thought. hmm. something to ponder. Think maybe this is something that needs to be explored further on this blog, but not today. Too drained!

 

Be happy, Keep smiling, and Keep going!

H x

Next interview down. Confusion levels up. Day 5, 2017


Me again.

Okay, so I didn’t manage to write a post yesterday – but that was just because everything went a bit mad with the job things, and I had to do interview prep and basically am just making excuses for failing at day 4 of my “post-a-day”. But, I am back online and at it again – so if it is just one day here or there, I will cut myself some slack!

Today I had an interview with a recruitment company, which is something I am considering going to work in, although I have no experience in it before – the money and career progression, and ability to work hard and earn more really appeals to me, that bit more control over my work. Plus, I always work hard and try to over-achieve, so I may as well get paid extra for it! I was really nervous but the interviewer was lovely, she really put me at ease and I think it went really well; and hopefully my answers were good. I will be interested to see if she thought the same and I get invited back again! However, the hours (12 hours days!) is something that really made me pause for that. Do I really want that? Is the money worth it? Do I care enough? And also…could my body take it? Because I don’t think so. Often a half day is enough to wipe me out, I am genuinely not sure that my fatigued, crohns- ridden little body could cope. So, a consideration. And potentially not the job for me, but good practice.

Currently I am in the midst of trying to get hold of one of the recruiters helping me, who wants to fire me off to more interviews tomorrow, but I am pushing back to try and just set them up for next week – 10am tomorrow is not enough time to prepare, not feel focussed and ready. However my recruiter, who I am sure is awesome at his job, is very pushy and doesn’t like taking no for an answer!

 

I am still stuck in the midst of a conundrum (great word, well used me) of what to do. I don’t want to feel like a failure, like I gave up to early, like I didn’t try hard enough for museums. But. I just want to move on, to succeed in something, to move out, to earn money, to feel like I accomplishing something genuine and real and tangible. And to move to London. To live in one place full time. And join a gym, and a dance club and so much more. To get back so many aspects of my life that I just don’t feel that I have right now in this perpetually “paused” state that my life seems to have undertaken. It is a big decision, and a scary one, and maybe neither answer will feel right, so I just have to do my best. Like always.

 

Another day, another ramble.

Until next time,

H x

Why the insecurities and the inability to cope?


Hey all,

It has been forever since I have posted, and for that I am sorry. I have got a little caught up in, well, life. So I will break this update down into a few sections, to try and make it less mind-numbingly boring to read.

 

Part 1 – The Title

So, I am just struggling with life a little at the moment. I have completed my masters, and am therefore awkwardly floating about in the realms of unemployment, volunteering and bankruptcy (perhaps a tad of an exaggeration, but my savings have definitely taken a toll!). It is hard to be positive when nothing appears right, and although on some days I feel confident and excited, others, like today, involve sitting alone in bed, undressed and unmoving until 1 in the afternoon. And nobody knows. and nobody cares. and it impacts nobody. and I am achieveing nothing. And it is all too depressing. I feel as though I may have an aim and a goal, but I am treading water unable to achieve them – and meanwhile being wasteful and unsuccessful and a general nonsense. Which, by the way, is not fun.

Part 2 – The title, again.

So the other part of the title to this blog was about the insecurities. Needless to say I am a very insecure person, and I think perhaps I do not value my own self worth. I am kind, and clever, strong and faithful, and, I like to think, bring support and laughter to those around me. But, it just doesnt seem enough sometimes. My relationship with my boyfriend is being negatively impacted because of it, because of a mixture of things but all of them are too much together. It is the hardest thing in the world to know your mentality is causing issues, but being utterly unable to change it, because it is you. My paranoia and my worrying is as much a part of my personality as my eye colour – and yet I need it to change, but I can’t change it, and that is frustrating and scary and worrying all at once.

 

The Job hunt

As metioned above, I finally finished my masters (yay) but am yet to get a job (boo). Which is an awkward phase. Am desperate to work within the museum sector, I think it is my calling! Unfortunately my calling is very much on the “please hold” tone – there is pretty much no availablility, and when there is a job I apply for, I am inevitably turned away. Not fun. I have given myself until christmas to try and work really hard on applications, at volunteering, and at building my CV and doing some part time work for money – but so far it is proving more than a little depressing, especially when everyone else in my life appears to be so successful.

 

The Crohns

This perhaps shouldnt have come last, but it isnt the most exciting topic to blog about – especially when it is being stressful! Okay, perhaps I should’t say stressful, given the issues it has caused in the past, but managing the hospital appointments is just not easy! I have one near the start of Novemeber, but due to the hospital messing up the forms I have been unable to go and get check up blood-tests, which I want, since I am feeling uber fatigued even having done nothing all day, which is clearly not normal. I also have been feeling a few familiar crohns signs again, and want to be on top of it; so the inability to get it tested as regurlarly as I should due to the hospital having incorrect paperwork – is REALLY annoying.

 

Sorry for the random nature of this post, I will try to be more ontop of posting again, and be more regular!

H x

Masters Mayhem


So, I am officially useless at blogging. I used to be really good at keeping you up-to-date, but now my crohns is in remission (touch wood!) it seems there is a lot less worth writing about. Sorry!

So, my 23rd birthday is in 10 days (gulp, I feel so old writing that) – and I am not exactly where I thought I would be by now. I feel way too old to still be at university, to be living at home, to not have a job…but still too young to spend all day every day in an office churning out some inevitably boring nonsense which I couldn’t care less about. So my current dilemma is balancing money, friends, family, work, boyfriend, masters dissertation and the job hunt – all to try and figure out where I want to be, and how I want to get there. Its a tricky one indeed.

My masters is due 6 weeks today, which makes me feel more than a little queasy, and i have currently lost 100% of my motivation and ability to work. I spend my days procrastinating and then feeling horribly guilty about my lack of work – not a productive or healthy way to be spending my time. I am hoping to just push through, crack on and force myself to work; because getting a good grade in this dissertation is hugely important to my overall masters, and it seems wasteful to just be giving up at the end.

On the job front. hmm. So I still want to work within museums and heritage, but it seems so bloody difficult. If I keep trying, theres a chance I will get lucky, find a break, a way in; but realistically it is looking less and less plausible. Only the odd volunteer role comes my way, which isnt going to be enough to pay my bills and let me live the life I want. But then, I am too young (I think) to just be doing a job I hate, for the sake of money. So; the dilemma. How long to keep waiting, to keep hoping, before just going for something else? And before everyone rushes in with “dont give up on your dreams, it will be worth it in the end blah b lah” – try living on pretty much no money, with all your friends moving out and upwards, and being stuck in the same cycle you were in aged 15. Theres a limit to how long you can wait, trust me.

 

The crohns front, my old friend, seems to be happy resting its ugly head for now, thank god. I am struggling a bit with being overly tired at the moment, but I guess the general stress factor can be thanked for that, although I do have a tendency to blame everything bad on crohns – its caused enough trouble :p

Anyway, apologies for the long ramble full of nothing-ness, will try to keep you all more up to date.

H

x

Guess who is baaaack?!


I am SO sorry for being so absentee recently, the longest I havent blogged in a long while!

The reason for this? So. much. work.

I have just been insanely busy – and no better excuse than that. I got the results of my colonoscopy, all good there (yay) and have since been back to the hospital for a general check up and discussion. I found out then that I was able to stop my humira (hells yesssss) because there was no sign of active crohns in me at the time. I have since done more bloods, had a few days of feeling ill but a lot of days of being happy – and been through a HUGE amount of university stress – nobody said a masters would be this hard 😉

So, adios…Humira. I have hated every single injection we have had together, and each time got myself into a panic and distress and generally tears followed. However, you did your job. In just a year it got rid of the signs of active crohns, and , admittedly made me feel so much better. So, thank you – you have been a worthy foe! 😉

 

Today I went through to get my administrative things sorted to start a volunteering job at one of the big heritage locations in London – exciting! I hope to start there soon – meet new people, get new skills, and build up my CV. I also have a job interview on Wednesday, but for something completely different! We will see how that goes! I think I just need to get myself out there, keep pushing and enjoying life whilst I can.

Apart from that, my boyfriend is fine, as are all my family. I am slowly coming to terms with the secondary divorce / “seperation”, although there are oh so MANY things I hate about it, but I guess that is life. My boyfriend has moved up to London, and settled in well – and is honestly one of the biggest blessings in my life. I pray hard that our future stays as bright together 🙂

 

So, nothing much of interest I am afraid, apart from an apology about the delay in posting, and a promisee to be me more consistent, and interesting, in the future!

H x

Going through my second divorce in 15 years…aged 22


And no, they weren’t my marriages. They were my mum and dads, and just now – as announced less than 48 hours ago, my dad and step mums. Well, this is for now just a “separation”, moving apart, with my half-siblings going to live in the next town along with their mum (my stepmum), but it is unlikely to end in a reconciliation.

This blog is everything person to me, I don’t hold back. But this isn’t just about me, it affects some of the people I love most in this world, and therefore it isn’t my place to be giving information online, and so I won’t. But I can’t lie and write posts without mentioning it.

It is affecting me, stress makes crohns worse and I foresee that happening.

It is making me an emotional crybaby, and I cant ignore that.

It is going to change the way I live my life for the next few months, and there is no getting around that.

And it could change the rest of my future, and my relationship with my siblings, and I am terrified of that.

 

 

Dad and my stepmum told my brother and I the other day, but we have had to keep it a secret until now when they are about to tell my younger half-siblings. And I am terrified. I feel physically sick, I have sweaty palms and I am shaking – and I have had to come hide in my room because I cant face seeing their innocent happy faces when I know how much their world is about to change. My brother and I said we would stay when they get told, to support them and show them we love them; I cant bear that this little family is going to change, that my brother and I have to go through this again, that my little siblings are going to have to endure the shit that comes with not having your parents together again, and it breaks my hard for my dad (and stepmum too) that this has happened. I love them all. I want them together under one roof, I cant deal with splitting my life and time between so many people in so many places and still feeling satisfied and as if I have a life of my own. I cant cope with the thought of coming to this house and those little smiley faces not being there to greet me. I cant cope with the thought that my youngest brother probably wont remember all these happy years together, and wont remember growing up like this; neither me or my brother remember our parents together.

And yet I still love them, I have had a brilliant childhood and I love both my parents and they could not have done a better job given the circumstances – and I have every faith that this time will be the same. But life seems unfair, and hard. But I am determined to make it as easy and fun and exciting for my siblings as I can. They need to know all the good things that can come out of it too. That their life is changing, not ending. I remember hearing this conversation the first time with my parents, and I must have been about 5. And yet it stuck with me, and I know that my sister at least will understand the implications. I just hope I am strong enough and brave enough to hold her hand and help her through the next few months, years, as well as keeping myself together

Life is tough, but family is important, even if it isn’t structured in a traditional way. As long as you have people that love you, that’s what counts. And I am going to try and remember that in the next few months of change.

H x

Humira loading dose done


so today I have had a massive hospital calling stress, an exam and my first 4 humira injections. Please just let it be over!  Think the exam went well, which is good because I really needed it too! The humira…haven’t been so scared in a long time. Had 4 injections as my loading dose, bless two of my housemates who were on call for hand holding and general questioning and support! Surprised by quite how much the injections hurt, seriously quite painful and me gasp out loud in shock and pain- but they are done, finally. I’m on the road I hope. God, it hurt. It really did, but at least it’s over quick! Haven’t had too many side effects at the moment, fingers crossed it doesn’t change!  Onwards and upwards  H xx