What if I am just writing in circles?


What if I run out of things to say? I am worried my thoughts are all the same, mundane worries and fears, stupid self conscious and self deprivating thoughts as well as general despair about my future! Alongside obviously the ridiculous laughing fits, the happy photos, the loving cuddles – but these are things that maybe don’t come across so well in this blog. I am worried  about posting too much of the same, of being mundane, of being boring. I was so sure at the start of this that crohns would take over my life, and I would constantly have these horror stories to post and this would be my only place to vent truly – and sometimes it is – but crohns hasn’t changed me in the way I thought it would.

it has changed me, lets not beat around the bush here, it has. And I don’t like all those changes, and some days I hate them and resent them. But other days I accept them, and even am kind of proud of them. I hate the fact that I still cannot cope with my injections, that last night my boyfriend was out signing a new flat which he can  in with his friends, being sociable, being an adult, doing what I want to do – and where was I? Crying in bed having just done another humira injection, and trying not to be sick with the headache and shakes that it bought on. How is that fair?? I hate that it makes me feel so different sometimes. I hate that it made me bitter and kind of jealous of my boyfriend, in stead of being happy and celebrating for him, I hate that I only see the negatives sometimes, the fact that our lives will get more different and all I see is the negatives in my situation- I hate that it makes me feel those things – but maybe they were already n me, and this is just my way of rationalising it? But then, I am proud of myself for being a normal (ish!) person – for having to inject myself but not letting that stop me, not letting this disease control what I do. Infact just yesterday I got a letter saying that my most recent biopsies form the colonscopy came back clear WAHOOO. Helps to lighten the grump I was in about having to go get a flu jab this afternoon..i still hate needles!

I find that weird actually (side note) that doing my injections is getting harder. I thought I would be used to it, get less psyched out, be more able and ready to cope. And I am not, I am worse. I psych myself out more, I know the pain doesn’t get bearable, I know that pushing that button is going to inflict pain and in that moment the fact it is helping me be better doesn’t even reach my consciousness, no matter how man ytimes my mum says it! All I know is that when I push that button it is going to hurt, and I will hate it. Sometimes I do my count down and swear I move my thumb but it just refuses on its own! But that a whole other blog post 😉

Anyway, I am not really sure what the whole aim of this was, it was pretty rambling and more than a little confused, and I am sorry! It is an honest insight into the mses which is my head right now – enjoy 😉 I hope to keep posting regurlarly, and that means not making something more dramatic or ridiculous than it is, if my life is pretty quiet then so will my posts!

Hope you are all happy,

H x


“Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired.
Smile, even when you’re trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision.
Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy.
Trust, even when your heart begs you not to.
Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see.
Frolick, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you’re afraid of what the dreams might bring.
Run, even when it feels like you can’t run any more.
And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience—you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don’t live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.”
Alysha Speer

I know I didn’t write this myself, but I think it is relevant. There have been so many of those days when I just burst into tears at my desk; but I manage to paste on a smile for everyone else sake. Right now I need this quote, I need to keep smiling, keep trusting, keep loving. And hope I come out the other side with no more scars, because the scariest thing is doubting yourself and those who are meant to care. I promise to keep frolicking, keep singing and keep trying to trust. Hopefully one day I will get back there.

H xx

Guess who’s back?! 


Sorry for the break since my last post (or maybe you all are welcoming the peace and quiet?!) but I am back and back with a vengeance 😉 I have just been so busy recently and everytime I have thought about posting I chicken out, it’s tiring to put yourself out there and open yourself up to the world sometimes! 

Anyway, where am I now? Sat in the cafe opposite UCL Archaeology Building waiting to go for my next lecture,  because yes I AM A MASTERS STUDENT awahhooooo. Very exciting but also tiring and slightly stressful! I am enjoying it but it is all a lot f pressure and quite scary!

Things with my boyfriend are…good. We had a bit of a rough patch which is hard and scary, but we are also (I think) having some of the best times together. I found out yesterday he has read part of this blog (hey if one day you read this!) and it felt pretty damn weird. I ha said I wouldn’t mind but since I didn’t know he was it felt a bit like snooping I guess. I asked what he thought, although I was dreading the answer. I was worried he would think “moany” “grumpy” “pathetic” “weird” and the like; and all he was actually saying was that I should never stop. Never change what I write, to keep being honest and truthful and leaking anything I need to to make myself feel better. All he was worried about what that I found out he read this and that it would change what or how I wrote. And maybe it will. And I am sad about that. But I am also pleased and feel even closer to him. I am proud I am dating someone who is so kind that that is all he worries about, not the manic moaning and weird whining that he read. So, if you ever read this- thank you. X

Have had such a lovely weekend, although q few ups and downs, and am already counting down the days until the next one- y life seems spent waiting for something else to happen, which isn’t how I want it to be! 

I am scared about the future and how much everything is going to be changing for me. And how o hope that I can hold on to some things that I have now, and it will slip away. I hope it doesn’t. I am so so happy, and those times when i feel sad I can cope. And that feels good.
Wish me luck with yet another humira injection tonight. Sob.

H x