What if I run out of things to say? I am worried my thoughts are all the same, mundane worries and fears, stupid self conscious and self deprivating thoughts as well as general despair about my future! Alongside obviously the ridiculous laughing fits, the happy photos, the loving cuddles – but these are things that maybe don’t come across so well in this blog. I am worried about posting too much of the same, of being mundane, of being boring. I was so sure at the start of this that crohns would take over my life, and I would constantly have these horror stories to post and this would be my only place to vent truly – and sometimes it is – but crohns hasn’t changed me in the way I thought it would.
it has changed me, lets not beat around the bush here, it has. And I don’t like all those changes, and some days I hate them and resent them. But other days I accept them, and even am kind of proud of them. I hate the fact that I still cannot cope with my injections, that last night my boyfriend was out signing a new flat which he can in with his friends, being sociable, being an adult, doing what I want to do – and where was I? Crying in bed having just done another humira injection, and trying not to be sick with the headache and shakes that it bought on. How is that fair?? I hate that it makes me feel so different sometimes. I hate that it made me bitter and kind of jealous of my boyfriend, in stead of being happy and celebrating for him, I hate that I only see the negatives sometimes, the fact that our lives will get more different and all I see is the negatives in my situation- I hate that it makes me feel those things – but maybe they were already n me, and this is just my way of rationalising it? But then, I am proud of myself for being a normal (ish!) person – for having to inject myself but not letting that stop me, not letting this disease control what I do. Infact just yesterday I got a letter saying that my most recent biopsies form the colonscopy came back clear WAHOOO. Helps to lighten the grump I was in about having to go get a flu jab this afternoon..i still hate needles!
I find that weird actually (side note) that doing my injections is getting harder. I thought I would be used to it, get less psyched out, be more able and ready to cope. And I am not, I am worse. I psych myself out more, I know the pain doesn’t get bearable, I know that pushing that button is going to inflict pain and in that moment the fact it is helping me be better doesn’t even reach my consciousness, no matter how man ytimes my mum says it! All I know is that when I push that button it is going to hurt, and I will hate it. Sometimes I do my count down and swear I move my thumb but it just refuses on its own! But that a whole other blog post 😉
Anyway, I am not really sure what the whole aim of this was, it was pretty rambling and more than a little confused, and I am sorry! It is an honest insight into the mses which is my head right now – enjoy 😉 I hope to keep posting regurlarly, and that means not making something more dramatic or ridiculous than it is, if my life is pretty quiet then so will my posts!
Hope you are all happy,