Next interview down. Confusion levels up. Day 5, 2017


Me again.

Okay, so I didn’t manage to write a post yesterday – but that was just because everything went a bit mad with the job things, and I had to do interview prep and basically am just making excuses for failing at day 4 of my “post-a-day”. But, I am back online and at it again – so if it is just one day here or there, I will cut myself some slack!

Today I had an interview with a recruitment company, which is something I am considering going to work in, although I have no experience in it before – the money and career progression, and ability to work hard and earn more really appeals to me, that bit more control over my work. Plus, I always work hard and try to over-achieve, so I may as well get paid extra for it! I was really nervous but the interviewer was lovely, she really put me at ease and I think it went really well; and hopefully my answers were good. I will be interested to see if she thought the same and I get invited back again! However, the hours (12 hours days!) is something that really made me pause for that. Do I really want that? Is the money worth it? Do I care enough? And also…could my body take it? Because I don’t think so. Often a half day is enough to wipe me out, I am genuinely not sure that my fatigued, crohns- ridden little body could cope. So, a consideration. And potentially not the job for me, but good practice.

Currently I am in the midst of trying to get hold of one of the recruiters helping me, who wants to fire me off to more interviews tomorrow, but I am pushing back to try and just set them up for next week – 10am tomorrow is not enough time to prepare, not feel focussed and ready. However my recruiter, who I am sure is awesome at his job, is very pushy and doesn’t like taking no for an answer!

 

I am still stuck in the midst of a conundrum (great word, well used me) of what to do. I don’t want to feel like a failure, like I gave up to early, like I didn’t try hard enough for museums. But. I just want to move on, to succeed in something, to move out, to earn money, to feel like I accomplishing something genuine and real and tangible. And to move to London. To live in one place full time. And join a gym, and a dance club and so much more. To get back so many aspects of my life that I just don’t feel that I have right now in this perpetually “paused” state that my life seems to have undertaken. It is a big decision, and a scary one, and maybe neither answer will feel right, so I just have to do my best. Like always.

 

Another day, another ramble.

Until next time,

H x

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Let’s smash this 👌🏼


okay so sometime you gotta fake it till you make it. I may not be sure of myself and of my future, but If I’m not positive about it, then it definitely won’t happen! 

I am gonna ACE the last few weeks at my job, making some extra money and helping them out.

I may be the heaviest I have been, but I am going to LOVE the way I look because it is a result of everything I have been through and I am going to PERSEVERE (had to google how to spell that!) with trying to lose weight, one day it WILL happen

I am going to ENJOY my new masters and make new friends and continue to be a happy, friendly person

I will NERD UP , study hard and SUCCEED at my masters. It is something I love and something o know I can do well at.

I will get ORGANISED and make sure I get on with my volunteering, being a HELPER-FAIRY- ARCHAEOLOGY-MUSEUM-WOMAN getting involved in as many projects as I can to boost my CV, my confidence and experience, and who knows, someone may even pay me for it!

I will CALM DOWN about my finances, obviously money is a concern but I can get through this and I have committed so I may as well push for the best outcome

I can be happy for the change in others lives and their ACHIEVEMENTS without feeling like I pale in comparison. Everyone is different else life would be boring. 

I will SQUASH my crohns insecurities and take on anything it throws at me. Again. Hah. 
I can do all this, and more. I need to focus on the amazing potential this year has and not all the scary parts. It is hard to keep on track and everything but I need to keep trying. Let’s do this. 

H x

Whale woman reporting for duty 🐳


Literally. I can’t even. The tiredness. 

I am trying to lose some weight, less snacking, morr healthy food etc. Like three weeks in and nothing, no change. Still the heaviest I have ever been, still waddling around feeling shit about how I look. And that’s freaking depressing and annoying! And aside from that I am wiped out… I KNOW I probably seem like I moan about this in every post. But really. I was in bed by 9 last night having had a shit emotional and tiring night including a humira injection – which really put a damper on my amazing weekend.
I feel shit. I have no energy. I have been at work for 1.5 hours and already can’t keep my eyes open. I got shaky just walking to the station. My eyelids feel like lead and just contemplating how I am going to get home makes me feel awful! When I feel like this I just need energy, regardless of what form it takes. A salad won’t keep me going, I feel like I need a fizzy drink and a chocolate alongside it to bust me through this day. Oh, what I would give just to have the day in bed. 

On the plus side. I have quit my job! Officially going to be a masters student! Isn’t that crazy 😮 

Big hugs to everyone who needs one 

H x

Very close to a tantrum


so. 

I have to quit my job tomorrow. And I know o show focus on the exciting masters that is in my future. And I know I should focus on all the opportunities . But all I can think about is how am I meant to have that awkward conversation? How am I meant to tell them then work my notice? Gulp. Help! 

My colonoscopy just got moved from Tuesday to the week after. I organised lifts, time off work, sorted the diet things. I want to cry. I don’t feel great (I don’t feel bad. I just don’t feel 100%) and I hate the procedure but had psyched myself up for it and planned my weekend accordingly and now it was for nothing! I want it to be done, I want to know the results, I want it to be over. 

I think the stress is contributing to me feeling ill? Or not great. I don’t want to use the word ill or say I’m feeling bad when I’m not really I guess. I’m just not good.

I have my next humira in Sunday and ta already making me feel a bit sick to just think of it. God I hate those things. I hate how childlike and fearful they make me. How j can’t control it!
It’s not fair. I feel scared and a little lonely taking this leap of faith. I wish I had just one thing that was a bit more secure in my life. (Sorry for the dramatic over indulgences of a spoilt child – of course I am lucky in so many ways but sometimes it is hard to see. Which makes me even angrier sometimes – why oh why do I find r so much harder than everyone else to focus on the good?!) 
I am shattered. As per. I spend my life being tired and worrying. I can’t even enjoy weekends because I’m ferrying round between home and my boyfriends and friends, not getting enough time to see any of them properly. 

Please let this period of indecision and change be over soon.

H x

Decisions are my enemy


So I’m starting to settle into work, I could get used to the money and move out and enjoy life as it is 

Or I could do my masters and it be a massive risk and be broke and maybe stuck at home but maybe Doug an amazing course and getting me to a dream job and enjoying it so much more than what I do now. 

To top it off my tummy is fekmg weird and wrong. And my colonoscopy is on Tuesday. I am STRESSED and unsure about my future. 

Do I play it safe or risk it? Either could be amazing but both could be shit and trapping me. And I have to decide on my own. I wanted that masters, so badly. But now I am more tempted to stay. Help me. 

I feel too young to be making these decisions myself, ones that can truly affect my future so hugely and my debt and my career path. Gulp. 

H x

😓


Ffs.

I just have such an over whelming urge to cry- what’s wrong with me?!

Today I left my boyfriends and went to visit my cousins in London and it was lovely, we had lunch and saw part of the Notting Hill Carnival and then I came home. I’m so tired. I’m so sad. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

I miss my boyfriend. I want to go back to him. Why am i so reliant on him? Why can’t I just be more like my old self and confident and self assured? I love him so much and love being in a relstionsship but sometimes it makes me a bit pathetic and needy. 😔But i hate myself for missing him so much! (Okay that doesn’t all make sense, sorry. But had to vent it!)
Anyway. I have to do my humira injection today, and it’s 7.45 and I can’t stop postponing it. I feel sick and shake whenever u think about just doing it. I don’t want to. It hurts. 

I think I want to do my masters, but it doesn’t seem like there is any funding. So I am not sure I can do it, and that is so frustrating! 

On yet another boyfriend note (sorry please don’t be too bored) I told him about this blog. The first person in my life who knows. Although I didn’t show him any. So he may not know it all! But you know what he said when I asked if he wanted to see any? “Maybe one day, if it’s your thing and your way to vent then that’s good enough for me”. I don’t know how I ended up with such a kind and gentle soul, and I truly don’t know why he has stuck with me! 

I am feeling like I need to rebuild myself a bit, make myself me. I need to be stronger alone, which I think will make my relationship even stronger. It is hard to be strong though, especially when physically I feel so weak and that comfort helps me through. I need to be able to do things alone, I hate feeling like a burden.

Such a rambling post. Sorry! 

Keep your head up and strong, and we will a get to where we need to be eventually 

H x

Addicted to blogging? Maybe…


Okay, So I know this is my SECOND blog of the day, and each of these are probably as boring as the last. And the poor fools of you who are following me and getting spammed by these emails are probably hoping against hope that I lose internet connection and am unable to carry on with these nonsense fllled posts- and get ready to celebrate the fact I go on holiday in a day or so and you will get a weeks freedom!  However, I think I am addicted to blogging. You know when you get that feeling, any feeling ready and you want to moan and rant or laugh or cry or share your revelation; well now I turn to here when I get that.

Right now, I may be home and enjoying the freedom and the knowledge that I don’t have to attend work again for a while, but I am also concerned about the uncomfortable and weird feelings going on in my stomach. I am up to date on my tablets (naughty me for missing a  few previously), and the injections (apart from my mishap this weekend) so why does it feel weird? why? thats UNFAIR. I have a colonscopy in a month, but it doesn’t seem soon enough to put my mind at risk.

I can’t cope with being ill. I am already back to feeling the cramps and having to run to the bathroom. To feeling sick for no real reason, to being paranoid about what I eat – as well as all the normal twenty year old fears such as being fat (which in my case is becoming worryingly real!)  I don’t want to be ill again, and it scares me. And I can’t say this to other people, because how can I say the same fears every other day when they have no answers to give me, and I know that. How can I keep telling them the same thing, when they have no  real reassurances to give? I have to blog here because I can’t keep it in or I would go crazy.  I can’t pretend I don’t think about it at least an hour of every day of my life, and I can’t pretend that the future doesn’t scare me. But for now, al lI have is this…this outlet of my fear. I hope it shows other people, maybe just one other person; that being scared is okay. And being paranoid is justified when you have been through what we go through.

Is is the stress of my life at the moment that is going on? Is it the worry about going away, or the stress of work and the big decisions i have to make? Is it the nervousness of going to my grandad’s stone setting funeral? I miss him, and I am scared of missing him even more, or having to acknowledge the gap that his passing has left in my life. As well as many others.

Anyway, whatever it is, I hope that it goes. I hope that my stomach puts up with what is coming its way; I hope that it is nothing and just a bit of tummy ache. Please. And thanks!

If I don’t post in the next few days, then then be happy that I am on holiday and going problem free!

Enjoy the good weather

H x