Do you know how hard it is to be constantly in your own head? To not be able to just sort your thoughts out straight? Or to not be able to move in the way everyone thinks you should?
To my ex,
A little note. Do you know how messed up my head is, over you? Maybe that’s not fair, it was messed up anyway with anxiety and insecurities messing with my brain, and constantly over thinking everything. But you were that one reassuring constant. And now your not.
Do you know how hard it is to still think you may be a little bit In love with someone, despite also hating them a bit? To think about meeting up with them to try and apologise and sort things out but also to tell them what a cowardly piece of shit they are. How is that possible?
For me to want to see you because I miss you and I want you back in my life because your the first person that made me feel special and Alive like that? To want to apologise for my anxiety ad my irrational thoughts and the strains it put on you and the wedges it drove between us? To want to ask for another shot? To want to say if not, well, I hope your happy because I think your an Incredible person and deserve the best.
But also to want to say how dare you. How dare you abandon me when you promised you never would. How dare you make all those empty promises and false declarations. I can understand the mental health stresses being too much, I guess. although nothing would have ever made me abandon you the way you did to me. But how dare you break up with me over the phone. How dare you make me wait for your call whilst you played rugby and went to the pub before you rang. How dare you send unsubtle messages through my friends about the girls you sleep with and the ones you date, to make it clear how much better off you are. How dare you make me feel like a worthless inferior person, who didn’t even deserve the respect to be spoken to face to face.
How is it possible to feel all these things In one tiny body!
It’s weird. We used to share everything, I think I knew you better than anyone ever had, and the same for me. I could never ever have seen you act this way; and it’s bizarre. Now I hear about the things you do and I am confused. How to put together the guy I know and loved and had so so much respect for, with this guy, who acts like a drunken idiot without any respect or kindness. And I keep thinking if we did meet- what it would be like, and how we would react and what we would say. How do you act with someone who was your everything, and you thought your forever, but then threw you away and now you are back to being strangers again? But if we did meet…would I be meeting you? Or would I be meeting this new version of you, and would this new you even give a fuck? Or treat me like a complete stranger, the way you are now. Would you feel bad when you saw how hard it would be for me to face you? Would you care when you saw my hands shaking and the quiet tears I am sure to shed? Or would you just be grateful you are rid of me?
Who even knows.
So, to my ex. I do hope you are happy, but I wish I could have been that happiness for you the way you were for me. My view on you is changing, it takes a long time to admit I thought you were may not be you anymore, but I guess I can’t deny it any longer. Next time, be more like the old you, he was way nicer.