Going through my second divorce in 15 years…aged 22


And no, they weren’t my marriages. They were my mum and dads, and just now – as announced less than 48 hours ago, my dad and step mums. Well, this is for now just a “separation”, moving apart, with my half-siblings going to live in the next town along with their mum (my stepmum), but it is unlikely to end in a reconciliation.

This blog is everything person to me, I don’t hold back. But this isn’t just about me, it affects some of the people I love most in this world, and therefore it isn’t my place to be giving information online, and so I won’t. But I can’t lie and write posts without mentioning it.

It is affecting me, stress makes crohns worse and I foresee that happening.

It is making me an emotional crybaby, and I cant ignore that.

It is going to change the way I live my life for the next few months, and there is no getting around that.

And it could change the rest of my future, and my relationship with my siblings, and I am terrified of that.

 

 

Dad and my stepmum told my brother and I the other day, but we have had to keep it a secret until now when they are about to tell my younger half-siblings. And I am terrified. I feel physically sick, I have sweaty palms and I am shaking – and I have had to come hide in my room because I cant face seeing their innocent happy faces when I know how much their world is about to change. My brother and I said we would stay when they get told, to support them and show them we love them; I cant bear that this little family is going to change, that my brother and I have to go through this again, that my little siblings are going to have to endure the shit that comes with not having your parents together again, and it breaks my hard for my dad (and stepmum too) that this has happened. I love them all. I want them together under one roof, I cant deal with splitting my life and time between so many people in so many places and still feeling satisfied and as if I have a life of my own. I cant cope with the thought of coming to this house and those little smiley faces not being there to greet me. I cant cope with the thought that my youngest brother probably wont remember all these happy years together, and wont remember growing up like this; neither me or my brother remember our parents together.

And yet I still love them, I have had a brilliant childhood and I love both my parents and they could not have done a better job given the circumstances – and I have every faith that this time will be the same. But life seems unfair, and hard. But I am determined to make it as easy and fun and exciting for my siblings as I can. They need to know all the good things that can come out of it too. That their life is changing, not ending. I remember hearing this conversation the first time with my parents, and I must have been about 5. And yet it stuck with me, and I know that my sister at least will understand the implications. I just hope I am strong enough and brave enough to hold her hand and help her through the next few months, years, as well as keeping myself together

Life is tough, but family is important, even if it isn’t structured in a traditional way. As long as you have people that love you, that’s what counts. And I am going to try and remember that in the next few months of change.

H x

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Think I actually just felt a bit of my heart shatter


I am literally in no eloquent state to try explaining how I feel.

 But let me start by saying I LOVE my boyfriend. A stupid amount. But right now I feel like he not only doesn’t love me but hardly even likes me. And it’s because of me, like it’s not just one day or one thing it’s juxt me and who I am and I can’t change that, but the though of us not being ok is killing me. We were sat in a pub having a casual drink and it descended, he said how I stop him having a life, how I get in the way of his friends and how I am too much for him. And I genuinely think I felt a part f my heart break. I can’t change who I am, and if even he can’t put up wit me then I clearly don’t have a snowballs chance in hell. 

Just one more person who can’t cope with me. Who is going to give up on me, I’m sure. I can’t do this. 

Mixed Feelings today


Hey all,

I just thought I had better post, because its been a while since I have and I don’t want to get back out of the habit!

Today is a weird one (so strap in ready for a rollercoaster!).. its a mix of being satisfied, happy, miserable, lonesome, proud, determined, dis-heartened and loved. Not even sure if that’s possible, but there we go.

At the start of this week I felt sh*t, basically. I have this ear infection thing (not in my ear, but a cut under my ear which has now grown and got infected, and just can’t heal due to my immune system being weaker than a limp dandelion) and its been getting more sore, I had blood test results back with increased inflammation, I had a rash all over my chest and tummy and also..I was just so sad. For no reason. I have been struggling a lot lately with it and I don’t understand why. Anywaay, I don’t want to write too much about it because I can feel it making me sad again already- and this is NOT the aim of this post! So, I trundled off back to my third home, ie the doctors, and saw my favourite guy again who is so lovely and understanding! Anyway, the rash is just the after effects of being ill (apparently, although it still hasn’t gone) and I got some more tablets and a cream for my ear, and discussed the blood results and moving specialists for my crohns. I also then sucked it up and asked him about if there was potential for psychologists, and finding someone to talk to.  (you wouldn’t believe how many times I just typed that sentence and deleted it – I feel like I am going to be judged already, but whats the point in having this personal blog if I lie in it?!). A few members of my family have / had depression, and we talked about this and some other things such as trying to control my emotions better, and its something I have been working on but am definitely not there yet- and I want to get help to get there.  I think I just need help making myself happy, I rely too much on my boyfriend, friends and family, that I can be so happy when I am with them, but as soon as they leave its like the light leaves with them, and I get stuck in this shitty space on my own that I just can’t drag myself out of. Its too tricky to try to explain, so I won’t attempt it any more. But anyway ,I got a number to call and sort things out, and although I haven’t called it yet, its reassuring just to know I can – and I will, when I get more time!

 

So, a bit of a poo start to the week. And I am UBER stressed- so many essays to crack on with , notes to write, readings to do, presentations to make, projects to crack on with. But, that’s okay. I would prefer to be busy and doing things than not, so I have made an extra effort this week to plan lots of things and crack on with being busy. It is bith my parents birthdays this weekend and I still have to buy them presents – which is a little stressful too! Argh! But, I am sat here essay writing, and stressing, sat in bed (its my day off from uni) with the kitty on my feet and feeling…fine. Which in itself feels amazin, just to feel fine!

Anyway, below is a picture from Mount Vesuvious, which I climbed with my friends a few years ago – climbed may be a strong word, theres a path you walk up hah! But, I was in the middle of a flare, I had been sick the week before on my archaeology dig and fought through it. I was being sick in the toilets in the middle of the day, sweating it out and then carrying on digging all whilst being unable to stand straight at some times. I was with my friends though, doing what I loved, and that was okay. (this was all just a few months before my operation, though I didn’t know it at the time!). I climbed a VOLCANO. On a flare. I teared up a bit at the top, I had to stop a lot of times to double over, but I did it. So, a measly little essay and some school work should be fine, lets smash this (Y)

 

 

Side note – I would have used brackets but  think I used them too much this post, is there even such a thing?!) When I was flicking through my photos to find these ones, I saw this photo of a view from a harbour we walked along. What is interesting about this photo, and this view? I took it after literally being unable to walk anymore. We had walked along this harbour, and I could feel my stomach going, cramping, hurting. We were meant to be walking to a castle/ fort thing (which we did eventually get to!) but I literally couldn’t go on anymore, I was tearing up it hurt so much and was walking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame! My friends were the best, and we sat down for an ice cream / drink / crohns break for a while, but I remember a pure moment of desperation in that time, that I was letting them down, holding them back, stopping them enjoying it, that I just couldn’t get up and carry on. But, you know what? I Did. And that day was such a good day, and those times were such happy times.

 

Here is to many more times of feeling shit, overcoming desperation and getting on with the brilliant things that life may bring!

positive thoughts to you all  (and sorry this was so long!)

H x

A dark day indeed..


So I hope you haven’t clicked on here today for a cheery read or a smile, because there is none of that around here for me today.

I felt really ill yesterday – I have had a sore throat for about 2 weeks now, but it just hasn’t been getting better. And I have this cut by my ear (have I mentioned that? Getting deja-vu writing about it so maybe!) which just wont heal, infact it is getting worse. I have put all this down to my shitty immune system, but yesterday just took the biscuit. I was so tired, and I had such a headache-  I felt like my head was full of pain, I felt dizzy and couldn’t concentrate, and everything just felt heavy and painful, and to add to that bundle of fun the bottom of my back was really sore, almost like period pain I guess but in the wrong place? Anyway, went to bed early and almost definitely had a temperature, had a combination of the hot sweats and freezing shivering, which combined with my uncomfortable back meant I hardly slept at all, and spent the night feeling isolated, ill and more than a little sad.

Anyway, woke up this morning and felt no better- and since everyone at my dads was out, I went over to mums for some company (and sympathy!). I slept on and off most of the morning, then managed to eat a sandwich and then just slept again before trying to crack on with my work – the pressures of getting these essays done are really hitting me now 😦

I get back to dads and my younger siblings break down into the BIGGEST meltdown over minecraft (of all things) whilst my dad was on a work call next door, so  I had to deal with that – trust me, no fun. Then this proceeded into having an argument with my dad, who came out the kitchen having said “your stepmum said you had to go to mums today because you were too ill to unload the dishwasher for her, guess it must be suuuuuper serious. so what was even wrong this time”

Needless to say maybe I didn’t handle it as well as I should have, bursting into tears and refusing to talk to him. I constantly feel like I have to defend the fact that I am ill, to prove to people I am not just faking it to get out of chores, or work, or helping someone – do you really think I fucking like being this broken aged 22? DO you think I wouldn’t prefer to unload the dishwasher 100 times over than not be able to recover from a cold in a few days and instead be stuck inside this shitty body that doesn’t do what its supposed to? So, an all out argument ensued. And yes, I could have handled it better. And yes, he said sorry. But that doesn’t make it different or better. Nor does the fact that he said (and he isn’t the first one): “Just go to the doctors with these new symptoms” and “your ill more than most people, so sorry that I didn’t take it that seriously, its just, your always ill so its not such a big thing when you say your feeling bad”

Excuse me? So because I have a crohnic illness and am on a lifetime of drugs which play havoc with the natural order of my body it doesn’t matter when I get ill? REALLY?! because in my book it should be the other way around. If I got ill twice a week, it should still matter just as much. And I KNOW I am being over dramatic, semi-taking it the wrong way and also being unfair to my dad, but I am fed up of people doubting me, and changing what I feel and say to suit them. I am fed upof going to the doctors and everyone being like “huh your not that ill” or the doctor going “theres nothing I can do, your immune system will sort this” YEAH RIGHT.

I just feel like I don’t fit in anywhere, I don’t belong anywhere. My boyfriend doesn’t want to live with me, my parents are sick of me and to be honest I just feel like I am in the way wherever I go. I am bored of being sick and of not having a way to get better, I am bored of constantly being ill or worried about if its just a cold or something more. I am bored of having 14 days at the most to count down between injection times, and dreading that moment more than anyone else will ever know. I am bored of trying so hard to get into a career I want, but knowing its not going to happen so having to give up. I am just bored, and fed up. I need a helping hand I think, but I fear I have none left to use.

H x

 

 

Cheeky Little Update…


So I have nothing that special to say (probably NOT the best way to start  a post, but hey ho! Honesty is the best policy and all that 😉 )  but feel like its been a while, so thought I would just check in and fill y’all in with the nothingness that is going on at the moment 😉

 

I have had a LOOOOVELY Christmas and New Years period, not in half because my boyfriend has had some time off and it was nice to be able to see him for more than just a weekend, although unfortunately not that much longer 😦

I went to Winter Wonderland twice – once with the family which was super sweet, and once with my boyfriend which was lovely too 🙂 Also we went to see the new star wars in the Electric Theatre at Notting Hill – which I CAN’T RECOMMEND ENOUGH. So much fun! We actually got the tickets from our friends who couldn’t go, and they had very exciting-ly bought some of the seats at the back, a nice comfy sofa with tables, blankets and the like – and we enjoyed the film in 3D with the company of a HUGE chocolate brownie and some drinks, so nice! I have seen a lot of family and friends over the last few days, one of my best friends is visiting from Australia, so that’s exciting and been nice seeing him when I can; although Masters work is really starting to get in the way! (how annoying!)

I am genuinely feeling the “job stress”,  I would LOVE to work in a museum environment, or a heritage environment like English Heritage; and specifically in the education department, but right now that just seems impossible, which is pretty depressing. And the only jobs that exist are on what appear to be the tiniest every salary- not enough for me to move out and do the things I want to be doing, so that’s quite tough. I am trying to apply for them still, and also start for some grad schemes – it stresses me out that after the end of this masters in just a few short months now I have nothing to go onto, and that terrifies me. I feel like I am being left behind. I also broached the idea of moving in together with my boyfriend, which didn’t go down that well. Not gonna lie, that hurt pretty bad -rejection isn’t something that’s fun to feel; and although I get his reasoning, doesn’t make it much easier! And the fact I have 0 job and 0 money to look forward to means I feel even further away from him, and the life he is moving towards. Not that he has done anything to exclude me from it, its just so far from where I am / could be, and that scares me! BLEUGH – no point in moaning, I guess it will happen or it wont!

Crohns has been fine -back on the humira injections and Azathiaprine. One thing that has been a pain is I got a cut by my ear, like where the ear lobe joins your head (if that makes sense?!) and I must have had it for over a month now and it just WILL NOT heal. I guess due to my new potato-like immune system, but its so sore and just getting worse, which is pretty annoying!

 

Hmm ,for a post where I had nothing to say I managed to moan / ramble  quite a lot!

Hope you are all well and enjoying your New years,

H x