Mixed Feelings today


Hey all,

I just thought I had better post, because its been a while since I have and I don’t want to get back out of the habit!

Today is a weird one (so strap in ready for a rollercoaster!).. its a mix of being satisfied, happy, miserable, lonesome, proud, determined, dis-heartened and loved. Not even sure if that’s possible, but there we go.

At the start of this week I felt sh*t, basically. I have this ear infection thing (not in my ear, but a cut under my ear which has now grown and got infected, and just can’t heal due to my immune system being weaker than a limp dandelion) and its been getting more sore, I had blood test results back with increased inflammation, I had a rash all over my chest and tummy and also..I was just so sad. For no reason. I have been struggling a lot lately with it and I don’t understand why. Anywaay, I don’t want to write too much about it because I can feel it making me sad again already- and this is NOT the aim of this post! So, I trundled off back to my third home, ie the doctors, and saw my favourite guy again who is so lovely and understanding! Anyway, the rash is just the after effects of being ill (apparently, although it still hasn’t gone) and I got some more tablets and a cream for my ear, and discussed the blood results and moving specialists for my crohns. I also then sucked it up and asked him about if there was potential for psychologists, and finding someone to talk to.  (you wouldn’t believe how many times I just typed that sentence and deleted it – I feel like I am going to be judged already, but whats the point in having this personal blog if I lie in it?!). A few members of my family have / had depression, and we talked about this and some other things such as trying to control my emotions better, and its something I have been working on but am definitely not there yet- and I want to get help to get there.  I think I just need help making myself happy, I rely too much on my boyfriend, friends and family, that I can be so happy when I am with them, but as soon as they leave its like the light leaves with them, and I get stuck in this shitty space on my own that I just can’t drag myself out of. Its too tricky to try to explain, so I won’t attempt it any more. But anyway ,I got a number to call and sort things out, and although I haven’t called it yet, its reassuring just to know I can – and I will, when I get more time!

 

So, a bit of a poo start to the week. And I am UBER stressed- so many essays to crack on with , notes to write, readings to do, presentations to make, projects to crack on with. But, that’s okay. I would prefer to be busy and doing things than not, so I have made an extra effort this week to plan lots of things and crack on with being busy. It is bith my parents birthdays this weekend and I still have to buy them presents – which is a little stressful too! Argh! But, I am sat here essay writing, and stressing, sat in bed (its my day off from uni) with the kitty on my feet and feeling…fine. Which in itself feels amazin, just to feel fine!

Anyway, below is a picture from Mount Vesuvious, which I climbed with my friends a few years ago – climbed may be a strong word, theres a path you walk up hah! But, I was in the middle of a flare, I had been sick the week before on my archaeology dig and fought through it. I was being sick in the toilets in the middle of the day, sweating it out and then carrying on digging all whilst being unable to stand straight at some times. I was with my friends though, doing what I loved, and that was okay. (this was all just a few months before my operation, though I didn’t know it at the time!). I climbed a VOLCANO. On a flare. I teared up a bit at the top, I had to stop a lot of times to double over, but I did it. So, a measly little essay and some school work should be fine, lets smash this (Y)

 

 

Side note – I would have used brackets but  think I used them too much this post, is there even such a thing?!) When I was flicking through my photos to find these ones, I saw this photo of a view from a harbour we walked along. What is interesting about this photo, and this view? I took it after literally being unable to walk anymore. We had walked along this harbour, and I could feel my stomach going, cramping, hurting. We were meant to be walking to a castle/ fort thing (which we did eventually get to!) but I literally couldn’t go on anymore, I was tearing up it hurt so much and was walking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame! My friends were the best, and we sat down for an ice cream / drink / crohns break for a while, but I remember a pure moment of desperation in that time, that I was letting them down, holding them back, stopping them enjoying it, that I just couldn’t get up and carry on. But, you know what? I Did. And that day was such a good day, and those times were such happy times.

 

Here is to many more times of feeling shit, overcoming desperation and getting on with the brilliant things that life may bring!

positive thoughts to you all  (and sorry this was so long!)

H x

Just keep swimming…


I literally can’t even.

 

I feel so pathethic and crappy and awful and miserable and a million other words and I don’t even know why or how to make it better. Strap yourselves in for a long roller coaster of a post folks, I think now I have started its going to be impossible to stop!

I don’t know what is wrong with me, I am such a roller coaster of emotions that I can’t keep up with myself, and I am not just blaming the normal monthly hormone influx (although I have been noticeably more teary the last few days so maybe I should do hah!)

I am knackered. I got up at 6.20 with my boyfriend this morning so he could get to work on time (its a LONG train journey from his to work!) and am therefore knackered; but I was home by 1 after just 2 hours of lectures, and still couldn’t keep my eyes open long, I fell asleep on the sofa for an hour, and still woke up feeling beyond exhausted, unable to concentrate and also generally pathethic that I couldn’t do a single day – he does it every day and for so much longer and working so much harder then me. I am due to drive to my best friends later tonight to volunteer at her school tomorrow, but I am not sure I physically can stay awake long enough for the drive, nor be able to do it tomorrow. ANd that is pathethic. Why is my body so shit, between the illness, the medicine, the fatigue and my general personal failures how can I not function well enough to do this?! I was so sad recently about my lack of social life, and my boring life so now I am trying harder and have things planned and I can’t do them because my 80 year old body won’t keepup with me. I feel like a let down, I feel useless, honestly, what am I even contributing to anyone right now?

 

Issue number 2. I am irrevocably, totally and completely feeling down on myself, and that sucks. I know I am overweight, and that makes me feel shit. I have been trying so hard, yet today I felt so dizzy, tired and shit that I needed sugar just to get me awake enough to walk upstairs, so now I am not only a pathetic tired mess, but also a fat one. Fuck. I feel insecure in my relationship, but not because of any reasons you might think. I just don’t think I am good enough for him, I am too needy, I am not…special enough. He is the light of my life, and honestly I don’t think I know a better person than him, then I look at myself and see nothing worth being with, and that makes me feel like crap, because it makes me so insecure! Aside from that, just feeling shit makes me so needy, when he is at work and at times like this when all I can do is sit at my desk and have a little cry, all I want is a hug and a kiss; but he is at work, being busy, leading a normal life and I can’t get in the way of that. He is so much more independent than me, he doesn’t need me the way I need him and I find that hard to cope with; whilst also hating on myself for being so easily dependent on a man, I never had myself down as that kinda gal.

 

GOSH so much misery in this post. I can’t even carry on writing with the moans, because nobody needs to hear all this crap 😉

On the plus side, I have a happy, positive post to write soon- I just think now isn’t the right time to do it, because I am not in that kinda mood, and I don’t think I will do it justice!  I just tried to end this post on a ~this is my next 5 step action goal~ kinda thing, because it often makes me feel better to have a tick list of things to do, and just focus on achieving them and being able to see what I have done. But I honestly cant see a way to get out oif this. Love my boyfriend less? Care less? Get less close? Somehow cure myself of whatever is fucking with my head? Unfortunately I can’t, or won’t do any of those. I just need my guardian angel to wake up a bit, come back out of retirement or whatever and come help me out. I just need someone to prop me up, and help me out. Please.

 

Sorry for the complete and utter trainwreck of a post, but times like this are exactly when this blog comes into its own.

I hope you are having a better time of it than me!

H x

Very close to a tantrum


so. 

I have to quit my job tomorrow. And I know o show focus on the exciting masters that is in my future. And I know I should focus on all the opportunities . But all I can think about is how am I meant to have that awkward conversation? How am I meant to tell them then work my notice? Gulp. Help! 

My colonoscopy just got moved from Tuesday to the week after. I organised lifts, time off work, sorted the diet things. I want to cry. I don’t feel great (I don’t feel bad. I just don’t feel 100%) and I hate the procedure but had psyched myself up for it and planned my weekend accordingly and now it was for nothing! I want it to be done, I want to know the results, I want it to be over. 

I think the stress is contributing to me feeling ill? Or not great. I don’t want to use the word ill or say I’m feeling bad when I’m not really I guess. I’m just not good.

I have my next humira in Sunday and ta already making me feel a bit sick to just think of it. God I hate those things. I hate how childlike and fearful they make me. How j can’t control it!
It’s not fair. I feel scared and a little lonely taking this leap of faith. I wish I had just one thing that was a bit more secure in my life. (Sorry for the dramatic over indulgences of a spoilt child – of course I am lucky in so many ways but sometimes it is hard to see. Which makes me even angrier sometimes – why oh why do I find r so much harder than everyone else to focus on the good?!) 
I am shattered. As per. I spend my life being tired and worrying. I can’t even enjoy weekends because I’m ferrying round between home and my boyfriends and friends, not getting enough time to see any of them properly. 

Please let this period of indecision and change be over soon.

H x

I’m sad and I’m scared…so obviously I’m blogging!


ciao,

I have just today got back from such a fab holiday with my family and my boyfriend in the south of France; and I wish I was back there so badly! It was so lovely to be in the sun and be free from stress and know all those days were dedicated to just sun and swimming and happiness! Although I genuinely felt like a whale for a long time and it’s making me feel very self conscious of my already imperfect body; but I get so tired and a cheeky sugary snack pushes me to where I need to be! An excuse? Yeah maybe. But true. 

My boyfriend got ill when we were there, nothing super serious but enough to knock him out for a few days – and I have never seen him quite like that! It most definitely bought out my inner protective side,  I hated seeing him so ill and down and not himself! Had to be careful what with sharing a bed etc not to catch anything off him (and let’s be honest I still won’t know for a few days I guess) but so far feelin okay! 
I am KNACKERED. We got home at like 3? Maybe earlier; and I just slept. I had fatigue hit me hard and I think it is a combination of travel stress plus being up early plus fear for the next few days, which is most definitely a factor.

 When that plane touched down now only we were plunged into a literal downpour of mass rain, but that pretty much reflected me feelings. Tomorrow I have my grabdads stone setting ceremony (a Jewish tradition a year after the funeral to end the mourning time and celebrate their life); and I know it isn’t meant to be a sad occasion but I haven’t had the stomach to go back there since the funeral and just thinking about losing him makes me tear up every time, so I am no sure how tomorrow   will go. That stresses me out. I have to face my injection again on Sunday, and if you saw one of my previous posts you will know that this went to shit last time, and I am genuinely scared I won’t be able to do it, the pain and the inner strength needed to press that clicker – I am not sure I have it left anymore. Ouch. I have to decide about my future, about my masters or not and my job or not and who i would live with or not. So much pressure on one little person, and I am not sure how to cope. This obviously makes my stomach play up more. Waa. 
   
 
I have included these two photos from the Abbvie care magazine that I just received; both of these seem so relevant to me. I feel like I am moaning and boring and crohns sucks away the essence of me; that I become miserable and no fun and I want that spark that was me to shine through the shit ness and give happiness back to those who light up my life, but I don’t think I am doiggood right now.

I want to share this blog with my boyfriend (if you are reading this then hi, you wonderful amazing person you! 😉 ) but I am scared that I would lose my secret moaning space. scared I would feel I would be restricted in my moaning here, as I am in real life. Yet another decision! 
I can feel myself drowning in feeling over whelmed, and I am tearing up as we speak. So I need to get my ass away from this phone, slap a bit of eyeliner on and a fake smile on my face for this evening and an evening meal with my family. Hopefully their madness puts a smile back on my face
H x

Addicted to blogging? Maybe…


Okay, So I know this is my SECOND blog of the day, and each of these are probably as boring as the last. And the poor fools of you who are following me and getting spammed by these emails are probably hoping against hope that I lose internet connection and am unable to carry on with these nonsense fllled posts- and get ready to celebrate the fact I go on holiday in a day or so and you will get a weeks freedom!  However, I think I am addicted to blogging. You know when you get that feeling, any feeling ready and you want to moan and rant or laugh or cry or share your revelation; well now I turn to here when I get that.

Right now, I may be home and enjoying the freedom and the knowledge that I don’t have to attend work again for a while, but I am also concerned about the uncomfortable and weird feelings going on in my stomach. I am up to date on my tablets (naughty me for missing a  few previously), and the injections (apart from my mishap this weekend) so why does it feel weird? why? thats UNFAIR. I have a colonscopy in a month, but it doesn’t seem soon enough to put my mind at risk.

I can’t cope with being ill. I am already back to feeling the cramps and having to run to the bathroom. To feeling sick for no real reason, to being paranoid about what I eat – as well as all the normal twenty year old fears such as being fat (which in my case is becoming worryingly real!)  I don’t want to be ill again, and it scares me. And I can’t say this to other people, because how can I say the same fears every other day when they have no answers to give me, and I know that. How can I keep telling them the same thing, when they have no  real reassurances to give? I have to blog here because I can’t keep it in or I would go crazy.  I can’t pretend I don’t think about it at least an hour of every day of my life, and I can’t pretend that the future doesn’t scare me. But for now, al lI have is this…this outlet of my fear. I hope it shows other people, maybe just one other person; that being scared is okay. And being paranoid is justified when you have been through what we go through.

Is is the stress of my life at the moment that is going on? Is it the worry about going away, or the stress of work and the big decisions i have to make? Is it the nervousness of going to my grandad’s stone setting funeral? I miss him, and I am scared of missing him even more, or having to acknowledge the gap that his passing has left in my life. As well as many others.

Anyway, whatever it is, I hope that it goes. I hope that my stomach puts up with what is coming its way; I hope that it is nothing and just a bit of tummy ache. Please. And thanks!

If I don’t post in the next few days, then then be happy that I am on holiday and going problem free!

Enjoy the good weather

H x

Humira loading dose done


so today I have had a massive hospital calling stress, an exam and my first 4 humira injections. Please just let it be over!  Think the exam went well, which is good because I really needed it too! The humira…haven’t been so scared in a long time. Had 4 injections as my loading dose, bless two of my housemates who were on call for hand holding and general questioning and support! Surprised by quite how much the injections hurt, seriously quite painful and me gasp out loud in shock and pain- but they are done, finally. I’m on the road I hope. God, it hurt. It really did, but at least it’s over quick! Haven’t had too many side effects at the moment, fingers crossed it doesn’t change!  Onwards and upwards  H xx

Lifes a bitch.


Ciao amigos.

Having a down one today, as the title might suggest!

I am just feeling like life is SO unfair, and I needed a moan. Why is it that I cannot sort out my future, my job, my place to live? why is it that this stresses me out so much? Why is it that I have exams that run on so late? Why is it that I have to feel shit whilst I am working? Why is it that Crohns is affecting me now, I needed a longer break. Why is it that because of being ill I have extra work to do, like special considerations? Why is it that I am somehow meant to come to terms with my new medication, with injecting myself all whilst completing my third and final year and somehow do it all with a smile on my face.

The Humia arrives on Tuesday, and the nurse should come before Thursday. That makes it less than a week today, right on exam season. I cant cope, its not fair. I am tired, I cant work, and all I want to do is cry. I have so much on in my life, and nobody has thought about all the other things that come with it . I am tired and scared and feeling sorry for myself, I just want a hug and to be wrapped up in a blanket and forget all of this.

H xx