through the video camera


So, last week I had to do a group presentation for one of my modules – and we only had two weeks to compile and get the abstract approved, and create and practice the project on a topic which was entirely out of my comfort zone; sustainability.

It was interesting for me to work with entirely new people all of which were differing ages and from different disciplines to my own, and although at time it was challenging, it was an experience I relished. I got my grade back yesterday and came away with a first for that part of my course- YES! I couldn’t have got a better grade, and presenting is what I generally see as one of my weaker points..I was so happy! It was this presentation that I wanted to consider though…because we were filmed doing it.

I have just found it online, and watched myself present (it is meant to be an exercise to see any “ticks” or obscurities that you carry across whilst presenting, and then to be able to correct these and improve yourself for the future) but I just looked at myself and was proud. THat sounds ridiculous, and smug – but its true. Whilst presenting I had my little notecards, I had practised enough but I stood there and I was nervous and I made one or two awkward mistakes where my voice broke or something ridiculous – but I laughed it off and carried on. I look up at the aurdience, I made contact with them. When it was the question session I could laugh and be serious, I could encourage people in my team and answer questions – and I looked confident. I watched myself and thought, I’m not too bad. And you know what? When I was presenting I felt it too – a surge of confidence which said yeah, look at me. I know what I am talking about, ask me questions, I will know the answer. I worked hard on this and I am proud of it and It really made all the difference.

I know that sounds so up myself, and like a post that was purely to brag – and maybe it was a tiny bit of self indulgence to write this. And if so, I am sorry. But it was amazing for me to see myself standing infront of a group and talking and laughing and being normal and strong and confident, succesding in my studies at least in this area. BEcause it was only 10 months ago I started this blog, and less than that that I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance, and less that that again that I was lying in my hospital bed feeling alone and demoralised and unable to see myself getting back on track at university. For so much of second year I shied away from the spotlight because of Crohns and the awkward rumblings and the insecurities and everything else that came with it// But know I have beaten that.

Just on a side note (and I cant believe I didn’t post about it!) I GOT RESULTS BACK FROM A COLONOSOPY LAST WEEK AND I AM OFFICIALLY CROHNS FREE. sorry, don’t mind me while I victory dance away in this corner *woop*

Flying high guys, up in the clouds today…hope you are all up here with me 🙂

Happy days indeed

H xx

8 ways to cope with some of the stresses of Crohns…


1. Cry  

Okay, technically this isn’t the best “coping” method, but it is something that I have done a lot. a lot. and it is something that I am sure most of us have done at times. It is probably a little depressing that it is the first thing that came to mind when I thought of this title, but it is a way to release some of the built up stress and emotion and theres nothing wrong with a little cry from time to time. Let it out, suck it up, move on. That’s the way forward.

2. Laugh

Literally the complete opposite to number 1, I know. But that’s good – you have to be able to laugh at both yourself and the situation you are in sometimes, because you have to remember; it wasn’t your fault! This disease isn’t something that is self inflicted, but something that you are unlucky enough to get. So, just try to smile through the times that are happy or funny or ridiculous, because you need that laughter in your life!

3. Surround yourself with friends and family who will stick by you through all the shit times

(Get it,…little crohns toilet humour there, I know, hilarious) But its so true- sometimes the only thing that used to get me through my bad days was knowing that there were people around me who cared, who I could whine to and cry to and who would put up with it all, get me a chocolate and send me back on my way. They are there for all th bad times and the hard times, but remember to share the good with them too. Don’t try to hide your pain or act normal if you aren’t feeling it, be honest with them and they will be able to help you all the more for it

4. Research and understand as much as you can

This will men that you understand things when the doctors are talking to you, and you can ask things of your own from research you have looked at online, or get peace of mind about some of the things you have been reading. It means that when eople (who I am sure are trying to be helpful) come up to you offering some ridiculous theory about how you could cure your crohns by simply eating something like a grapefruit a week, then you can tell them politely that they are wrong and you don’t panic yourself. It means you understand this disease and what it can do to you. It means you will understand what symptoms to look for. It means you can know what is happening to your body and ways to minimise the change. Ie means you are in control as you can be. So, do that homework.

5. Forget most of what you read in number 4

That sounds crazy, I know. But its true – most of what you will read will be horror stories, scare stories and these things can only add to the panic and paranoia you feel. Try to read it, understand it but then forget it, or put it to one side at least. Don’t let the internet scare you – remember if you have any big questions the doctors are always there for you.

6. Find a support group

This is one that I personally haven’t got around to in terms of joining a physical meeting group – so please don’t think I am too hypocritical, but it is something I would recommend if you can. I am struggling in terms of lack of access to transport, and alos timings and money to get there!Instead I am currently a member of the facebook group #Getyourbellyout and I recommend it – I have ever posted, but just seeing the community there for support and knowing I have the ability to write things there and get support and advice from others in a similar situation is enough for now. Also, I couldn’t count the number of times people have asked questions I have been thinking of, and its so reassuring! So, join something. Talk to people.

7. Get a diary

You need to be organised to fight this disease. You will have doctors appointments, blood tests, organising presscriptions, hospital appointments, follow ups, etc. You need to be on top of all of these and be sure to attend them all and get every check done necessary. Give yourself and your body the best chance.

8. Find some self confidence and keep a tight hold on it

You need to believe that you can beat this disease. You need to not let it get you down. You need to do all the above steps, and anything else that helps you to keep your e head up and keep above the water. This disease can be beaten and you can stop it controlling your life, just control it first. Keep belief that you can get through it even when you are in your darkest days.

Just plodding along…


Just a quick update…all is as before, just mooching on with my life! All is fine although full on university work is back, it’s so intense and a little bit terrifying and not quite sure I can handle doing it all!  Bleughhhhh

Hope you guys are all a little less stressed than I am!

H x

Back on the up..I hope


So today was a pretty bad morning emotionally, but after my last post I went with my family to stay at my grandma’s which cheered me right up and reminded me of all the people I havr around me.

However yesterday evening and this morning I will still feeling very sick, nauseas and even a little dizzy- but I decided to plough on and make the most of the day; since it was my last one to spend with my little siblings before coming back to uni. This evening I went to my friends and we all drove back to uni together,  so sat in my uni bed writing this.

It’s weird, I started this morning at my grandma’s, saw my mum for a bit and my friend then Back at uni- all so mad!

Anyway, we are back on the up. Hope you are too.

Smiles
H x

Why am I so broken?


Sorry for the spam posting.

Just had lunch and within two minutes have quite bad chest pains breathing in and feel over whelmingly nauseous and tired; the kind of sickness feeling that actually hurts. I can’t take a deep breath in without pain.
I try not to swear in here but what the actual f**k. I just got the all clear,  why am I still hurting, why can’t I still cope.

Lying in bed in the dark feeling like I may throw up st any minute and trying not to cry too much because it hurts ny chest. But seriously,  why am I so broken. I hate not being able to do anything right and it’s beginning to feel like forever ago when I was last ablr to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without the consequences hitting me hard. How is it fair that my body is so shit at working,  how is it that it doesn’t do what I want, what did I do to break it this bad?  So damn fed up with it all and the fact that nobody seems to understand.

Rant over, sorry
H x

Titleless


image

Just an add-on to yesterdays post,  this is my right arm yesterday with the cannula in – the first in my left was unsuccessful and is still painful today :/

I sent this as a snapchat to a few of my friends who wanted updates on how yesterday went and I was too shaky, nervous or sedated to type properly – so a quick snap was perfect!

Something that made me sad, but also made me laugh ; was that so many of my friends were grossed out ir shocked by how medical it looks- in a hospital gown and bed with needles taped into your arm. Yes jt isn’t the nicest sight, and Im not exactly the biggest fan of it- but I am so used to it now, so used to hospitals and the procedures and the rest that it seems not so bad to me. It saddens me that my life is just that little bit different to all my friends in that this scene is a part of my life and one that is still so alien to them.  This “casual-ness” (sorry no idea of a better word ahha)  on my part towards the procedures backfired a little bit yesterday when I acted fine but then reality hit me about two hours before the colonoscopy and I felt so sick and shaky- putting on a brave face is fine but I need to remember to allow myself a panic and time to prepare!

H x

Colonoscopy 2 done and dusted. OUCH.


owwwww

owwww

owww

oww

ow

ow.

Seriously. Just to re-iterate. IT HURT THIS TIME.

So. I needed this colonoscopy to be done, because its 9 months since my operation and I have been due to have it for the past 3 months, but unfortunately due to personal circumstances, university work and several other reasons I wasn’t able to get it done. Regardless of knowing that this was coming for a long time, I was not ready for it! I have been trying to act casual and stay calm for a long time about it, even talking it down to my boyfriend and housemates – but I was terrified both of the procedure, the cannulas and the fact that I would be hearing results and I was nervous about what they would be!

Anyway I took the Picolax for the last day, and this morning as required. I also was fasting and being generally a little nervous and miserable! Although to be fair, my friends did a fantastic job of keeping me busy and keeping my mind of it. So this morning I was hanging out in my house with my housemates who were all hungover from a night out (which I couldn’t go on :/ damn crohns!) and then they had to go out / go home so I had a 2 hour wait before my dad arrived to take me to the hospital. I watched some iplayer and then packed a bag; since I decided to come home for the weekend to recover and see the fam.

We got there at just before 3, and were shown to my room where the nurse came and asked for the last few details – and then I had to do a pregnancy test to check (NEGATIVE incase anyone was worried 😉 – I wasn’t!) and then got in the gown etc and waited. Spoke to my consultant again, who is soooo lovely – and then about half an hour later a nurse came to collect me and off we went. I was pretty nervous but everyone was lovely and I settled down and got the oxygen mask on before they put the cannula in my left elbow for the sedation drug. However it wasn’t in properly or shifted so when they tried to inject anything it REALLY hurt and when I told them they decided they had to do the other one as well; which was horrible and painful and I hated every minute! I don’t think I had enough / as much sedation as last time because I was all too aware of what was going on! Regardless we ploughed on, and got it done – although at time it was so so painful I was moaning and yelling! It was so uncomfortable and although everyone was lovely I was near to tears at times; very unlike when I last had it done. The upside of all this drama was that…

…he said there is no signs of crohns returning at the moment! YES YES YES YES YEEEEES!

So very happy, only just really starting to sink in now! They took some biopsies (how weird to see on the camera them pinching out bits of your insides haha) so waiting for those results, but feeling so happy about it all!

Finally got wheeled back to my room, had lots to drink and a sandwich then quite a long nap! Dad and I just got home and am spending the evening chilling out at home and getting some TLC and trying to let my poor left arm recover, its seriously sore!

So a painful day, but one that was worth it for the news I just heard!

Apologies for the long post! Wishing you all a pain-free happy weekend 🙂

H x