Mixed Feelings today


Hey all,

I just thought I had better post, because its been a while since I have and I don’t want to get back out of the habit!

Today is a weird one (so strap in ready for a rollercoaster!).. its a mix of being satisfied, happy, miserable, lonesome, proud, determined, dis-heartened and loved. Not even sure if that’s possible, but there we go.

At the start of this week I felt sh*t, basically. I have this ear infection thing (not in my ear, but a cut under my ear which has now grown and got infected, and just can’t heal due to my immune system being weaker than a limp dandelion) and its been getting more sore, I had blood test results back with increased inflammation, I had a rash all over my chest and tummy and also..I was just so sad. For no reason. I have been struggling a lot lately with it and I don’t understand why. Anywaay, I don’t want to write too much about it because I can feel it making me sad again already- and this is NOT the aim of this post! So, I trundled off back to my third home, ie the doctors, and saw my favourite guy again who is so lovely and understanding! Anyway, the rash is just the after effects of being ill (apparently, although it still hasn’t gone) and I got some more tablets and a cream for my ear, and discussed the blood results and moving specialists for my crohns. I also then sucked it up and asked him about if there was potential for psychologists, and finding someone to talk to.  (you wouldn’t believe how many times I just typed that sentence and deleted it – I feel like I am going to be judged already, but whats the point in having this personal blog if I lie in it?!). A few members of my family have / had depression, and we talked about this and some other things such as trying to control my emotions better, and its something I have been working on but am definitely not there yet- and I want to get help to get there.  I think I just need help making myself happy, I rely too much on my boyfriend, friends and family, that I can be so happy when I am with them, but as soon as they leave its like the light leaves with them, and I get stuck in this shitty space on my own that I just can’t drag myself out of. Its too tricky to try to explain, so I won’t attempt it any more. But anyway ,I got a number to call and sort things out, and although I haven’t called it yet, its reassuring just to know I can – and I will, when I get more time!

 

So, a bit of a poo start to the week. And I am UBER stressed- so many essays to crack on with , notes to write, readings to do, presentations to make, projects to crack on with. But, that’s okay. I would prefer to be busy and doing things than not, so I have made an extra effort this week to plan lots of things and crack on with being busy. It is bith my parents birthdays this weekend and I still have to buy them presents – which is a little stressful too! Argh! But, I am sat here essay writing, and stressing, sat in bed (its my day off from uni) with the kitty on my feet and feeling…fine. Which in itself feels amazin, just to feel fine!

Anyway, below is a picture from Mount Vesuvious, which I climbed with my friends a few years ago – climbed may be a strong word, theres a path you walk up hah! But, I was in the middle of a flare, I had been sick the week before on my archaeology dig and fought through it. I was being sick in the toilets in the middle of the day, sweating it out and then carrying on digging all whilst being unable to stand straight at some times. I was with my friends though, doing what I loved, and that was okay. (this was all just a few months before my operation, though I didn’t know it at the time!). I climbed a VOLCANO. On a flare. I teared up a bit at the top, I had to stop a lot of times to double over, but I did it. So, a measly little essay and some school work should be fine, lets smash this (Y)

 

 

Side note – I would have used brackets but  think I used them too much this post, is there even such a thing?!) When I was flicking through my photos to find these ones, I saw this photo of a view from a harbour we walked along. What is interesting about this photo, and this view? I took it after literally being unable to walk anymore. We had walked along this harbour, and I could feel my stomach going, cramping, hurting. We were meant to be walking to a castle/ fort thing (which we did eventually get to!) but I literally couldn’t go on anymore, I was tearing up it hurt so much and was walking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame! My friends were the best, and we sat down for an ice cream / drink / crohns break for a while, but I remember a pure moment of desperation in that time, that I was letting them down, holding them back, stopping them enjoying it, that I just couldn’t get up and carry on. But, you know what? I Did. And that day was such a good day, and those times were such happy times.

 

Here is to many more times of feeling shit, overcoming desperation and getting on with the brilliant things that life may bring!

positive thoughts to you all  (and sorry this was so long!)

H x

Just keep swimming…


I literally can’t even.

 

I feel so pathethic and crappy and awful and miserable and a million other words and I don’t even know why or how to make it better. Strap yourselves in for a long roller coaster of a post folks, I think now I have started its going to be impossible to stop!

I don’t know what is wrong with me, I am such a roller coaster of emotions that I can’t keep up with myself, and I am not just blaming the normal monthly hormone influx (although I have been noticeably more teary the last few days so maybe I should do hah!)

I am knackered. I got up at 6.20 with my boyfriend this morning so he could get to work on time (its a LONG train journey from his to work!) and am therefore knackered; but I was home by 1 after just 2 hours of lectures, and still couldn’t keep my eyes open long, I fell asleep on the sofa for an hour, and still woke up feeling beyond exhausted, unable to concentrate and also generally pathethic that I couldn’t do a single day – he does it every day and for so much longer and working so much harder then me. I am due to drive to my best friends later tonight to volunteer at her school tomorrow, but I am not sure I physically can stay awake long enough for the drive, nor be able to do it tomorrow. ANd that is pathethic. Why is my body so shit, between the illness, the medicine, the fatigue and my general personal failures how can I not function well enough to do this?! I was so sad recently about my lack of social life, and my boring life so now I am trying harder and have things planned and I can’t do them because my 80 year old body won’t keepup with me. I feel like a let down, I feel useless, honestly, what am I even contributing to anyone right now?

 

Issue number 2. I am irrevocably, totally and completely feeling down on myself, and that sucks. I know I am overweight, and that makes me feel shit. I have been trying so hard, yet today I felt so dizzy, tired and shit that I needed sugar just to get me awake enough to walk upstairs, so now I am not only a pathetic tired mess, but also a fat one. Fuck. I feel insecure in my relationship, but not because of any reasons you might think. I just don’t think I am good enough for him, I am too needy, I am not…special enough. He is the light of my life, and honestly I don’t think I know a better person than him, then I look at myself and see nothing worth being with, and that makes me feel like crap, because it makes me so insecure! Aside from that, just feeling shit makes me so needy, when he is at work and at times like this when all I can do is sit at my desk and have a little cry, all I want is a hug and a kiss; but he is at work, being busy, leading a normal life and I can’t get in the way of that. He is so much more independent than me, he doesn’t need me the way I need him and I find that hard to cope with; whilst also hating on myself for being so easily dependent on a man, I never had myself down as that kinda gal.

 

GOSH so much misery in this post. I can’t even carry on writing with the moans, because nobody needs to hear all this crap 😉

On the plus side, I have a happy, positive post to write soon- I just think now isn’t the right time to do it, because I am not in that kinda mood, and I don’t think I will do it justice!  I just tried to end this post on a ~this is my next 5 step action goal~ kinda thing, because it often makes me feel better to have a tick list of things to do, and just focus on achieving them and being able to see what I have done. But I honestly cant see a way to get out oif this. Love my boyfriend less? Care less? Get less close? Somehow cure myself of whatever is fucking with my head? Unfortunately I can’t, or won’t do any of those. I just need my guardian angel to wake up a bit, come back out of retirement or whatever and come help me out. I just need someone to prop me up, and help me out. Please.

 

Sorry for the complete and utter trainwreck of a post, but times like this are exactly when this blog comes into its own.

I hope you are having a better time of it than me!

H x

Addicted to blogging? Maybe…


Okay, So I know this is my SECOND blog of the day, and each of these are probably as boring as the last. And the poor fools of you who are following me and getting spammed by these emails are probably hoping against hope that I lose internet connection and am unable to carry on with these nonsense fllled posts- and get ready to celebrate the fact I go on holiday in a day or so and you will get a weeks freedom!  However, I think I am addicted to blogging. You know when you get that feeling, any feeling ready and you want to moan and rant or laugh or cry or share your revelation; well now I turn to here when I get that.

Right now, I may be home and enjoying the freedom and the knowledge that I don’t have to attend work again for a while, but I am also concerned about the uncomfortable and weird feelings going on in my stomach. I am up to date on my tablets (naughty me for missing a  few previously), and the injections (apart from my mishap this weekend) so why does it feel weird? why? thats UNFAIR. I have a colonscopy in a month, but it doesn’t seem soon enough to put my mind at risk.

I can’t cope with being ill. I am already back to feeling the cramps and having to run to the bathroom. To feeling sick for no real reason, to being paranoid about what I eat – as well as all the normal twenty year old fears such as being fat (which in my case is becoming worryingly real!)  I don’t want to be ill again, and it scares me. And I can’t say this to other people, because how can I say the same fears every other day when they have no answers to give me, and I know that. How can I keep telling them the same thing, when they have no  real reassurances to give? I have to blog here because I can’t keep it in or I would go crazy.  I can’t pretend I don’t think about it at least an hour of every day of my life, and I can’t pretend that the future doesn’t scare me. But for now, al lI have is this…this outlet of my fear. I hope it shows other people, maybe just one other person; that being scared is okay. And being paranoid is justified when you have been through what we go through.

Is is the stress of my life at the moment that is going on? Is it the worry about going away, or the stress of work and the big decisions i have to make? Is it the nervousness of going to my grandad’s stone setting funeral? I miss him, and I am scared of missing him even more, or having to acknowledge the gap that his passing has left in my life. As well as many others.

Anyway, whatever it is, I hope that it goes. I hope that my stomach puts up with what is coming its way; I hope that it is nothing and just a bit of tummy ache. Please. And thanks!

If I don’t post in the next few days, then then be happy that I am on holiday and going problem free!

Enjoy the good weather

H x

Sun, sea…and crohns


hi all! Hope you are well 🙂 

Just a quick update here from me in sunny Portugal – on my first ever holiday with my boyfriend and his family and having an absolute blast (despite the mild sunburn!). It’s weird, my life is so different to how it was a few years ago – yet I would say it has just got better, and maybe In part that is due to crohns and how it changed me (or maybe that’s just overthinking things and this is how my life would have been anyway…just a lot easier!) 
Both me and my boyfriend find out our final university results tomorrow, which is beyond terrifying! But it does make it a little easier with the glorious weather, good company and beaches to take my mind off it! I am due my next hunira injection on Friday but because I am away I have delayed it until the Sunday – so much easier than bringing Ir away! Crohns has been pretty good recently (touch wood) but I am feeling the fatigue, come 7 o clock and I’m feeling super tired and in bed by 1030- which I feel a little guilty about for my poor boyfriend 😦 He really wants a night out on the town but I keep being tired, but I have explained there’s no point waiting For a day when I won’t be, because it won’t come…so they either need to go without me or I will just come and do my best! Another thing that’s apparently reoccurring (as of this morning) is the rumbling….WHY is it so loud?! Gosh! Sat here in bed with a pillow pressed over my tummy to try to minimise the noise so it doesn’t wake him up…not sure im being successful! 
Anyway, overall all is good here, think it’s important to write these posts on good times too – else I will look back and forget all the brilliant things that happen in my life! 
Hope you are all happy and well,

H xx

Time flies…when your trying to avoid humira doses


so just a brief one to say hi, and that I’m lying in bed super nervous about this afternoon when I have my next (second) humira dose. 

I know I have done it before, and that its half the number of injections as the last time…but in still pretty scared. I remember it hurting so so much and the best thing about it is that it’s over quickly- but now I’m over thinking it and am super worried! My boyfriend and housemate will be around for about 1 when it’s happening, thankfully, all the moral support I can get is appreciated! I had such nasty dreams about it last night and goif wrong and all this crap, that I just need today to be over so I can move on with the next few weeks of happy times! Just recently I finished university for ever and so am enjoying the freedom before grad ball on mon (yay) and then just a few days before going away with my boyfriend and his family- can’t wait!! 

Gaaaaaah. Sometimes I feel like I spend my whole life either in pain, at the doctors, waiting for the doctors, or scared of something the doctors want me to do. Here’s hoping this afternoon is as quick and painless as possible! 
H xx

Crohns is a bitch.


im done with all the nice talks and the motivational posts, they are not okay for today. 

Just finished university forever yesterday- happy days! Went out last night and woke up this morning with crohns pains live and kicking ; and for anybody reading who thinks I’m overreacting with a hangover you have quite clearly never experienced the discomfort and quite specific painful feeling to which I am now referring. I don’t know if this is linked to starting Humira, or if it is because of the stress of exams or what- all I do know is it is shit and so freaking unfair. 

My best friends birthday is tomorrow and our mutual French friend is over visiting so I made a massive effort to come home early to see her but felt so nauseous, shaky and fatigued that I didn’t even make the whole walk into town and have spent the afternoon alone and crying, in the bathroom and snuggled up and generally feeling more than a little sorry for myself. How am I meant to do the next two birthday nights? I got tired just walking upstairs to get a pillow. 

Life feels so so so unfair right now and I’m not okay with this. I have too much on and I can’t cope with it all. I can’t. It’s not fair. I want someone to help me. Do this with me. Apparently any writing ability I may once have possessed left me in my anger because this post is just a repetitive scrambled up mess – but then maybe that pretty accurately represents my life.
Could do with some serious hugs and TLC right now 
H x

Just one more whine…


so I know my posts have taken a bit of a negative turn in the past few days, but I’m having a bit of a rough ride of it! Hopefully after Wednesday and the end of my exams I will feel s little more in control!

So I had my Humira loading dose in Friday (see my last post for the fun filled details) and I was really proud of myself. I did 3 of the 4 injections myself, and despite crying through a mixture of pain/shock/nerves/ denial I just did it, I kept going and did something I wasn’t sure I could do. And I’m so so proud of myself for that. Hopefully one day I will be able to video/ take some photos of the humira injections for anyone wondering, but for now I really have to focus on myself and getting used to them! 

Anyway I digress, none of the injection sites have so far come up with any reactions at all, aside from the smallest bruise on one of them- and none hurt either. I also was lucky enough not to feel any of the describes symptoms in Friday evening ie headaches, nausea, feeling like I had the flu etc. however last night (sat night) I felt so sick lying in bed, had to prop mysf up on pillows and just focus on lying still and not being sick; and lying here now I sti feel sick and my stomach just feels wrong, uncomfortable and sore. Sigh. Is this just crohns it is it a side effect? I’m not really sure. But it doesn’t feel gret 3 days before my last exam. Not great at all.
H xx