Lockdown life is weird. It is nice to have time at home, to get a break from working, to re-appreciate the things we have in life and the people we have connections with, but it is hard- to deal with the stress, to stay separate, to fear, the unknown.
A lot in my life is unknown right now. And I am trying to be okay with that…most days I succeed at it, some days I fail. I think day to day, life is okay and we are safe and laughing and making the most of the situation, but other days, when I take a step back, it is so fucking scary. When is it safe to see my family again? When can I go see the guy I am dating and not worry? When will I get another job? Will my industry ever recover? The Government are busy giving out advice to everyone, but I truly believe that just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. They are trying to encourage people back onto public transport, back to eating out etc but simultaneously saying that everyone should be wearing masks when in public – it is very mixed messaging. As of the start of August (in a week or so) pretty much everything is open again, and it is almost like returning to normal except social distancing is still supposed to be a thing.
I am struggling with that this week – how can it be okay to get the train, and go abroad, and go on holiday and clubbing, and go to museums and spas, and see family and friends, but not safe to hug my family? It makes no sense. It is hard to grapple with. I want to hug and be close to certain people, but then, is it worth the risk? If we fuck up, and get ourselves or someone else sick, it could mean death. That isn’t something to play around with. But also, until there is a vaccine will that ever go away? Is it okay to do a few “risky” things, if you follow all the other rules? If nobody else is following them, it makes it hard to keep doing so yourself, very much a “if they can do it, why can’t I?” mentality, but then remembering that actually it is because they are being selfish and careless and stupid. It is hard to keep strong when other people aren’t bothering.
Plus side, it is lovely warm weather and I am trying to make the most of the sun, and enjoy the free time. We should be finding out about our furlough this week, but it is currently the 21st of the month and we haven’t heard anything…cutting it fine for sure! I have also been assigned a careers coach lady from the job I got made redundant from, and that has been useful to have a few chats with her. I am not dedicating enough time to job hunting as I should…but it feels like I have so much else to do that it almost is unimportant? But actually it is just because ther are NO JOBS to apply to. I can’t do applications because there are none to apply to, and I am trying to come to terms with that and accept I may need to look elsewhere.
This has been a very mixed, very rambly post, and one without much meaning I fear. Just a little splurge for you to enjoy.