A step towards a brighter future? Day 12, 2017


Okay, I know I missed two days, and they weren’t even a weekend- but they have been a bit of a rollercoaster, and I haven’t had my laptop with me and didn’t think that I could do them justice typing them out on my ever failing phone.

Today I went to therapy for the first time in years, maybe even a decade. I went when I was younger, but decided that the stresses and strains of my life currently are just a little too much to handle. I was so so nervous to go, and worried because it is expensive too, but I think for now it is an investment in myself that I deserve, and need, for a while at least. It was so nice to just talk, and have someone listen and not feel guilty for burdening them with my thoughts and stresses and worries, and I genuinely came out feeling a weight had been lifted- not because of any major breakthrough, but just being able to rant and talk and not feel like I am causing someone else stress because of it. And actually, when I listed everything that has happened to me in the last 18 months / 2 years, it really is a lot. And I really have done well to keep plodding on this far, and its no BLOODY WONDER that I am struggling now, I am carrying around a whole lot that I never give myself credit for.

 

So, today is a day of self appreciation I guess. She said something that made my insides smile, that I was a survivor, that I have done so well to plough on through everything I have; and you know what? SHES BLOODY RIGHT. So, well done me. Congratulations me. Hooray for H! Finally, I can see when I say it all outloud at once that yes, I bloody have done well to keep it together and keep going, and I am totally entitled to  need a bit of space to  let that all out. Now, I am not trying to elude to some big giant “issue” that has occurred, if you follow this blog you probably know most of what I mean, lots of little things added together, but there is more going on that is just a little too personal to write here, ( I know, shocker). I would write more about what was said, but I know that a few people who actually know me in the real world (HELLO FRIENDS) may read this, and that’s something that I want to be kept a bit more private, for now at least. There is no big dilemma, just the fact that I wanted some advice on how to cope with a few things, and coping strategies for when I cant. And its also so nice to be able to talk, and have someone listen, and just, free up your thoughts. I came out, got home and bawled for a while, and am now feeling like a tired and tearful zombie – but only because I haven’t said all that outloud at once before, and because I feel exposed and confused and sad, but also so free and relieved and happy, so I am excited. Now I just have to find a way to fund it!

 

One thing that was interesting, and maybe I should do a whole post on this tomorrow (or soon) is the way that Crohns came up, as something which causes stress in my life. I never really acknowledge to myself how scary crohns is. Because I know how debilitating it can be, and what a huge effect it can have on my life and on everyone around me – and that it can come back at any time, any day, for any length of time – and that level of uncertainty is very hard to deal with. And I didn’t realise quite how much it still impacted me, until she asked me more about it today. Normally I gloss over it, “oh I’m in remission now”, or “yes but I am just nervous about the doctors appointment” (which FYI I am, 25th January here I come…) but also ,maybe it does impact me more than I ever thought. hmm. something to ponder. Think maybe this is something that needs to be explored further on this blog, but not today. Too drained!

 

Be happy, Keep smiling, and Keep going!

H x

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Going through my second divorce in 15 years…aged 22


And no, they weren’t my marriages. They were my mum and dads, and just now – as announced less than 48 hours ago, my dad and step mums. Well, this is for now just a “separation”, moving apart, with my half-siblings going to live in the next town along with their mum (my stepmum), but it is unlikely to end in a reconciliation.

This blog is everything person to me, I don’t hold back. But this isn’t just about me, it affects some of the people I love most in this world, and therefore it isn’t my place to be giving information online, and so I won’t. But I can’t lie and write posts without mentioning it.

It is affecting me, stress makes crohns worse and I foresee that happening.

It is making me an emotional crybaby, and I cant ignore that.

It is going to change the way I live my life for the next few months, and there is no getting around that.

And it could change the rest of my future, and my relationship with my siblings, and I am terrified of that.

 

 

Dad and my stepmum told my brother and I the other day, but we have had to keep it a secret until now when they are about to tell my younger half-siblings. And I am terrified. I feel physically sick, I have sweaty palms and I am shaking – and I have had to come hide in my room because I cant face seeing their innocent happy faces when I know how much their world is about to change. My brother and I said we would stay when they get told, to support them and show them we love them; I cant bear that this little family is going to change, that my brother and I have to go through this again, that my little siblings are going to have to endure the shit that comes with not having your parents together again, and it breaks my hard for my dad (and stepmum too) that this has happened. I love them all. I want them together under one roof, I cant deal with splitting my life and time between so many people in so many places and still feeling satisfied and as if I have a life of my own. I cant cope with the thought of coming to this house and those little smiley faces not being there to greet me. I cant cope with the thought that my youngest brother probably wont remember all these happy years together, and wont remember growing up like this; neither me or my brother remember our parents together.

And yet I still love them, I have had a brilliant childhood and I love both my parents and they could not have done a better job given the circumstances – and I have every faith that this time will be the same. But life seems unfair, and hard. But I am determined to make it as easy and fun and exciting for my siblings as I can. They need to know all the good things that can come out of it too. That their life is changing, not ending. I remember hearing this conversation the first time with my parents, and I must have been about 5. And yet it stuck with me, and I know that my sister at least will understand the implications. I just hope I am strong enough and brave enough to hold her hand and help her through the next few months, years, as well as keeping myself together

Life is tough, but family is important, even if it isn’t structured in a traditional way. As long as you have people that love you, that’s what counts. And I am going to try and remember that in the next few months of change.

H x

So lonely. So sad.


Im so fed up of my life as it is at the moment. I am just so sad all of the time.

Everyone is travelling, or working, my boyfriend is off on the trip of a lifetime and I am just sat at home all day everyday doing nothing apart from applying to jobs. I feel like my life has no purpose, and its making me so sad. I am so miserable and not sure how to get myself out of it.

EUGH.

Having a cry.

H x

:'(


got a call from the hospital to say my TB results were inconclusive, most likely ‘because of the steroids I’m on’ although I haven’t been on any for 18 months or so….so they actually have no idea why it didn’t work. So. Great. 

Back to the hospital on Monday for more blood tests. And in all day Tuesday to wait for Humira and then again on Thursday to learn how to inject myself. Great. Don’t forget the exam on Fridat and then Wednesday, all amongst revision, filling out special applications form and trying to cope with everydayife.

I feel crap. Life is unfair. Lying in bed crying and ready to sleep. I’m sad. I want my body to work. Please. Just for a little bit.

Eugh. 

I know self pity isn’t a pretty look, but it’s stuck on me right now. Sorry. 

H x