Colonoscopy #4 done and dusted


abd at age 22 as well, it isn’t fair. 

I’m back at work today and so shattered and tired and shaky I could cry. It took all my energy to get me here and I can’t cope with actually working and the thought of physically trying to get myself home again makes me feel ill.

I really struggled doing the picolax prep this time around, feeling dizzy and sick and helpless and more than anything terrified about the future. But it came anyway, the big day I was both dreading and wanting to avoid and the day I wanted to arrive quickly so I could better understand my insides. 

It went well and awful at th same time: the end result is that the humira is working, I did it. I got rid of the ulcers that had re arrived. They took biopsies to check at a cellular level , but otherwise it’s a thumbs up! I know I will be more pleased a out this when I feel better, but right now I’m struggling to even hold my hand up to type let alone think about future implications. 

However, it hurt. I felt the drug go straight to my head and welcomed it, the colonoscopy had hurt before so I was happy for any relief. But it was nothing like this, it was so painful and uncomfortable and make me hurt and cry, and it scared me. Apparently my bowel kept stretching or something which made it painful for the camera to come around.  The weird thing is I am still struggling with things like fatigue, so am going to experiment with my medication (my doctors trcommendation) to look at seeing if I can get rid of his fatigue. I hope to god it works.
I am so tired and so shattered and I just need a day off. I need a day where someone just cares for me and hugs me and looks after me. I need a recovery day. And I don’t get one, and that is terrifying. Although, my boyfriend has been amazing. He came down both days to be wit me before and after work and put up with my awful company just because he knew it would make me feel better. He can’t even know how much that meant, what a difference it makes when so often with this disease you feel alone.

I am sat here trying not to cry. I just want to go home and have a day to get myself together. I don’t know how to get through today. I am not strong enough o my own.

H x

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I just want to hide away


fatigue can p*ss right off.

I am always hesitant to say that that is what I am suffering from because sometimes I’m just normal tired. And that’s fine. But I felt so exhausted yesterday but still went down to Southampton on a girls road trip to see our old house mate and go shopping; and I am so so glad I did- it was such a happy lovely day. But I got tired at about 5, and I mean struggling to open my eyes tired, not haut a bit sleepy

Now it’s nearly 1pm and I can’t get out of bed. I haven’t eaten or drunk, I just don’t want to move. I am fatigued and my limbs are heavy and my eyes feels like lead and I just never want to move again. But I have so much on in my life what with boyfriend, and not seeing family and trying to split time between mums and dads and trying to decide in a masters and to tidy my room and sort my washing for work next week- but I just can’t face any of it. Add it in the random bouts of unnecessary crying and the slight feeling of self disgust I am having about my looks / self confidence right now all in all it isn’t a good day. 

😦 

I have my colonoscopy next week so am looking forward to getting some answers! I have been feeling a bit sick after eating recently, so I am hoping that is just bad luck and not anything more – but I will just be glad To know! 

Hope your all having happier weekends than me

H x

I need a whole new cutlery set of spoons..


…in reference to the spoon theory and chronic diseases.
Just called in to tell work I won’t be in yet again tomorrow and they want a meeting on Monday to discuss my illness. Understandably. But how do I tell them it all? How do I make them understand? Aside from fatigue and some odd cramping it isn’t crohns causing me issues now, it’s humira. I doubt myself. Maybe I’m just lazy. Maybe I’m just avoiding responsibility. Maybe I’m stupid. I just know I feel so exhausted today I can barely keep my eyes open, and all I did today was sit in the doctors for a few hours. How can I do this full time job and commute? If I give up am I just failing and using crohns as an excuse? Or is it valid and  not givin myself enough credit? Am I letting it stop me? Or am I being realistic in what I can achieve? 

I doubt myself now. With these invisible symptoms and invisible illnesses. If I can’t even believe myself, then why the fuck should anyone else. 

Someone, help me?! Decide for me?! Lend me the energy of a normal 21 year old, just for a day so I can remember what it’s like. Please.

H x

Fatigue has struck…


Just. So. Tired. All. The. Time

had 10 hours sleep last night, been awake for just under 2 and my eyes are already so heavy I am struggling to concentrate and my body feels like it has been filled with sand and therefore weighs ten time more.

I woke up this morning so positive, so confident that I need to stop wallowin and push forward and crack on with my revision and beat this disease and get on with my work – and already I am faltering. I am struggling to stay away and its really getting me down, how can it be this badly affecting me already?!

From one tired and angry little person,

H xx