Heartbreak update.


I don’t even know where to begin. My heart hurts. my head hurts. My body hurts. Everything hurts.

I miss him. So much. I am lying here on a Saturday morning, when nobody else is awake. And knowing I should be at his house. Curled up in his arms. Ready for the rugby today – we had tickets to go with his family, and it is killing me that he will just take his housemate and fill my seat, and my place in his life. I can close my eyes and imagine myself there, I know how his arms feel and what his breathing sounds like asleep, and how his bedroom is, and how when he starts to wake up he often reaches over just for a cuddle. And now that is gone. And I have never experienced greater hurt or loss in my life – even when my grandparents died two years ago, that wasn’t their choice, it was a fact of life. He chose to leave me, he actively didn’t want me anymore, and he chose to do this, and that hurts so much more. I miss him. I miss his smile, and his smell, and his warm arms and his texts and the way he made me laugh. I miss all those times he made me laugh, or feel special. I just miss him. And it is absolutely killing me that with one phonecall he just cut me out his life, like I was nothing, like what we had meant nothing, like it was the easiest thing in the world. I wish I could even think of him moping around at home, but I feel like I have been nothing more than a blip in his radar.

I am so so lucky to have such incredible friends and family around me, who have dropped everything time and time again to be with me and hug me and love me. It just isn’t the one person that I want, and I am not sure how that hole in my life will ever be filled. Last night is the first time I managed to sleep for more than 3 hours since sunday, but its just made me feel even worse! I woke up, and I was sad beause of the rugby today, so I went to text him – out of habit, then I realised I couldn’t and its so so sad. There is no other way to describe this, except hurt and sad and heartbroken. Everynoe says that maybe it was a good thing long term, and that I will find someone more suited to me, and that it will let me find myself again. but I don’t want any of that. And I know it should. I just want him. I want his smile and his love and his friendship, it is all I have ever known and for it to be gone is impossible. Every minute he doesn’t call me or text me to change his mind, hurts. It is another minute he doesn’t want me. Another minute he is moving on okay with his life, leaving me behind as a broken shell of who I once was.

The more I talk to my friends the more I realise it isn’t healthy to just sit here crying over old memories, looking at the photos of the good times and sobbing over never being able to make more. Instead they pointed out all the things that he did that made me unhappy, the things I wished I could change. And more and more I see that it was in a worse situation than I thought, and that maybe he stopped caring about me and loving me the way he should a while ago, and I just couldn’t see it. It is embarrassing to admit that for months I have known that I wanted It to work more than him, and that I was giving up more and more of myself and trying to change and make him happy because I so desperately wanted to be with him. And that sentence alone is embarrassing.  But what is worse is that I still don’t regret it, and that I would probably do it again. I know it is wrong in my head, but in my heart I don’t understand how loving him and wanting to be with him could ever be wrong. I want him to love me back. I want him to care for me. I want him to want to make me happy and have the future together we have talked about for so long. And I cant. I  cant make him love me. But I cant fathom the fact that he doesn’t. How could he not? We had everything we needed. We had so much joy – alongside the sorrow. I cant believe it is done. I cant. I don’t want to believe it. It cant be done.

 

I have spoken to him everyday for over 3 years, without fail. He has been my first everything, completely. I have never even kissed anyone else. I have loved him so fucking hard for so fucking long, and now he has gone, and I have no idea how to handle that. None. The one thing I can say is that it isn’t his fault that things were going bad – I was just as argumentative, if not more, and just as stubborn. But it was his fault that he stopped caring and trying. I can honestly say I couldn’t have done any more, I couldn’t have tried any harder or loved him any more or done anything else. I couldn’t. But he could have. He could have made changes, he could have wanted to work through things with me, but instead he wanted to be selfish and have his own time and just live his life not worrying about anyone but himself. That isn’t even me being bitter- he specifically told me that right now in his life he just wants to be selfish. And even that hurts, he loves himself more than he ever loved me.

 

I just wish I could rewind the clock. Could have held on for that last hug just a little longer, Could have made that last kiss just a little deeper. All of it. I never want it to end.  I wish he wanted me the way I wanted him. I wish he could have just given me that little bit of security. It is embarassing how much I wanted to, and did, pander to his every desire to make him happy, but not once would he do the same for me. And I didnt think that wasnt normal. I thought it was me just doing things for the guy I  loved, but I guess some time a while ago he stopped feeling the same. I wish I had known. I wish I could have tried harder, changed more, made him want it as much as I do. But I cant. He just gave up on me, and that is impossibly hard to accept.

 

I am so confused, and hurt, and despite being surrounded by all these people who love me, I have never felt so alone or so lost. I refuse to believe he is gone. And I know that is unhealthy. But he cant be. I love him too much for him to be gone and to do this to me. Despite writing all of this and being hurt and angry at loving someone who didn’t love me the same, and who I know wont be suffering like this right now – all I want to do is jump in my car and shoot off to his house and turn up and he open the door and smile at me with that wonky grin of his. And open his door and his arms and  his heart to me and let me back in. Please. Let me back in.

h x

Mixed Feelings today


Hey all,

I just thought I had better post, because its been a while since I have and I don’t want to get back out of the habit!

Today is a weird one (so strap in ready for a rollercoaster!).. its a mix of being satisfied, happy, miserable, lonesome, proud, determined, dis-heartened and loved. Not even sure if that’s possible, but there we go.

At the start of this week I felt sh*t, basically. I have this ear infection thing (not in my ear, but a cut under my ear which has now grown and got infected, and just can’t heal due to my immune system being weaker than a limp dandelion) and its been getting more sore, I had blood test results back with increased inflammation, I had a rash all over my chest and tummy and also..I was just so sad. For no reason. I have been struggling a lot lately with it and I don’t understand why. Anywaay, I don’t want to write too much about it because I can feel it making me sad again already- and this is NOT the aim of this post! So, I trundled off back to my third home, ie the doctors, and saw my favourite guy again who is so lovely and understanding! Anyway, the rash is just the after effects of being ill (apparently, although it still hasn’t gone) and I got some more tablets and a cream for my ear, and discussed the blood results and moving specialists for my crohns. I also then sucked it up and asked him about if there was potential for psychologists, and finding someone to talk to.  (you wouldn’t believe how many times I just typed that sentence and deleted it – I feel like I am going to be judged already, but whats the point in having this personal blog if I lie in it?!). A few members of my family have / had depression, and we talked about this and some other things such as trying to control my emotions better, and its something I have been working on but am definitely not there yet- and I want to get help to get there.  I think I just need help making myself happy, I rely too much on my boyfriend, friends and family, that I can be so happy when I am with them, but as soon as they leave its like the light leaves with them, and I get stuck in this shitty space on my own that I just can’t drag myself out of. Its too tricky to try to explain, so I won’t attempt it any more. But anyway ,I got a number to call and sort things out, and although I haven’t called it yet, its reassuring just to know I can – and I will, when I get more time!

 

So, a bit of a poo start to the week. And I am UBER stressed- so many essays to crack on with , notes to write, readings to do, presentations to make, projects to crack on with. But, that’s okay. I would prefer to be busy and doing things than not, so I have made an extra effort this week to plan lots of things and crack on with being busy. It is bith my parents birthdays this weekend and I still have to buy them presents – which is a little stressful too! Argh! But, I am sat here essay writing, and stressing, sat in bed (its my day off from uni) with the kitty on my feet and feeling…fine. Which in itself feels amazin, just to feel fine!

Anyway, below is a picture from Mount Vesuvious, which I climbed with my friends a few years ago – climbed may be a strong word, theres a path you walk up hah! But, I was in the middle of a flare, I had been sick the week before on my archaeology dig and fought through it. I was being sick in the toilets in the middle of the day, sweating it out and then carrying on digging all whilst being unable to stand straight at some times. I was with my friends though, doing what I loved, and that was okay. (this was all just a few months before my operation, though I didn’t know it at the time!). I climbed a VOLCANO. On a flare. I teared up a bit at the top, I had to stop a lot of times to double over, but I did it. So, a measly little essay and some school work should be fine, lets smash this (Y)

 

 

Side note – I would have used brackets but  think I used them too much this post, is there even such a thing?!) When I was flicking through my photos to find these ones, I saw this photo of a view from a harbour we walked along. What is interesting about this photo, and this view? I took it after literally being unable to walk anymore. We had walked along this harbour, and I could feel my stomach going, cramping, hurting. We were meant to be walking to a castle/ fort thing (which we did eventually get to!) but I literally couldn’t go on anymore, I was tearing up it hurt so much and was walking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame! My friends were the best, and we sat down for an ice cream / drink / crohns break for a while, but I remember a pure moment of desperation in that time, that I was letting them down, holding them back, stopping them enjoying it, that I just couldn’t get up and carry on. But, you know what? I Did. And that day was such a good day, and those times were such happy times.

 

Here is to many more times of feeling shit, overcoming desperation and getting on with the brilliant things that life may bring!

positive thoughts to you all  (and sorry this was so long!)

H x

Humira’s a b*tch 


I try so hard not to swear, but I literally have 0 other way of describing it. 
WHY AM I SO RUBBISH AT IT. Actually, seriously, why? 

Still results in a crying mess, shaking and feeling ill. Still can’t just “get it over with”. Still feel like a stupid baby afterwards. 

This post has literally 0 meaning aside from a good old fashioned sulk. It’s not fair, why should I have to do that? I don’t want to do it 😡 I want to be one of those people who can just pop and inject, smile for the camera and move on with their day. Unfortunately I am a massive baby and thus far incapable of that. 

I guess it has got a little easier now having had colonoscopy results and knowing that it’s working..so I guess I now know it’s worth the pain! But also grumpy because it means there’s little chance of me stopping it anytime soon haha- double edged sword for sure 😆

Anyway, sorry about the lack of insight and just a general sulk. I just really thought I would be better by now, and I’m dossapointed by what a baby I still am about it! 

Ahh well, plenty more times to try and get better I suppose!

H x

Colonoscopy 2 done and dusted. OUCH.


owwwww

owwww

owww

oww

ow

ow.

Seriously. Just to re-iterate. IT HURT THIS TIME.

So. I needed this colonoscopy to be done, because its 9 months since my operation and I have been due to have it for the past 3 months, but unfortunately due to personal circumstances, university work and several other reasons I wasn’t able to get it done. Regardless of knowing that this was coming for a long time, I was not ready for it! I have been trying to act casual and stay calm for a long time about it, even talking it down to my boyfriend and housemates – but I was terrified both of the procedure, the cannulas and the fact that I would be hearing results and I was nervous about what they would be!

Anyway I took the Picolax for the last day, and this morning as required. I also was fasting and being generally a little nervous and miserable! Although to be fair, my friends did a fantastic job of keeping me busy and keeping my mind of it. So this morning I was hanging out in my house with my housemates who were all hungover from a night out (which I couldn’t go on :/ damn crohns!) and then they had to go out / go home so I had a 2 hour wait before my dad arrived to take me to the hospital. I watched some iplayer and then packed a bag; since I decided to come home for the weekend to recover and see the fam.

We got there at just before 3, and were shown to my room where the nurse came and asked for the last few details – and then I had to do a pregnancy test to check (NEGATIVE incase anyone was worried 😉 – I wasn’t!) and then got in the gown etc and waited. Spoke to my consultant again, who is soooo lovely – and then about half an hour later a nurse came to collect me and off we went. I was pretty nervous but everyone was lovely and I settled down and got the oxygen mask on before they put the cannula in my left elbow for the sedation drug. However it wasn’t in properly or shifted so when they tried to inject anything it REALLY hurt and when I told them they decided they had to do the other one as well; which was horrible and painful and I hated every minute! I don’t think I had enough / as much sedation as last time because I was all too aware of what was going on! Regardless we ploughed on, and got it done – although at time it was so so painful I was moaning and yelling! It was so uncomfortable and although everyone was lovely I was near to tears at times; very unlike when I last had it done. The upside of all this drama was that…

…he said there is no signs of crohns returning at the moment! YES YES YES YES YEEEEES!

So very happy, only just really starting to sink in now! They took some biopsies (how weird to see on the camera them pinching out bits of your insides haha) so waiting for those results, but feeling so happy about it all!

Finally got wheeled back to my room, had lots to drink and a sandwich then quite a long nap! Dad and I just got home and am spending the evening chilling out at home and getting some TLC and trying to let my poor left arm recover, its seriously sore!

So a painful day, but one that was worth it for the news I just heard!

Apologies for the long post! Wishing you all a pain-free happy weekend 🙂

H x

Thats what friends are for!


friendship

So, as you may have noticed I have been going through a rough time these past few months – it has not been a summer of fun! In fairness that is a sweeping statement, there have been days or weeks of fun with my friends and family; such as a 3 week stint in Montreal with 3 of my best friends, and then a 4 day stint to New York for 4th of July, and not forgetting my 21st birthday, and my French friend turning up as a surprise, and those days of shopping and laughing; and much more.

But over summer I have had to complete 4 large pieces of coursework, resit 2 exams all because of missing the deadlines due to being in hospital recovering from a Crohns-related operation. I have had to accept  being behind on my dissertation already. I lost two grandparents in 10 weeks, and have had a few minor  symptoms which are making me paranoid about Crohns returning.

In summary it has been a summer of both extreme highs and lows – maybe they work to counteracting each other?

The point of this post was yesterday after spending the day with one of my oldest and bestest friends (so far we have racked up 11 years of friendship, which is over half of our lifetime!) I realised that no matter how bad things get in my life, I will always have people around me to make me smile and laugh – and that is what life is about. Life goes on, people move on, we have to keep strong and keep moving and these are the people around me who will always help me to do that.  In return she knows that I will always be only a phone call away.

This post is kind of pointless I guess – but I want to get back in to the habit of posting because I have been a little lazy recently.  Just an update and a happy thought – keep friends and family close because they are the ones that will always be there for you and pick you up when you think you don’t have enough strength left to do it yourself!

H x

just keep swimming…just keep swimming…


  I highly doubt that it is only me that feels this way, in fact I have heard others express these feelings before – but maybe it does everybody good to know that others get stuck in this rut too? The one where you feel like you FINALLY have got things starting to move forward before one day, or one person, one word or one action, one thing or one look throws you back to square one and you just want to cry. I don’t understand how life can be this complicated! It is one thing to try to keep your chin up, to be positive, to wait for a better tomorrow – but sometimes it seems like I am stuck at not just a crossroads but a spiders web of paths none of which seem right but all of which seem just that little bit appealing. I don’t know which to take, which will make me and others happiest and lead to an end with the least regrets and the most giggles. How do you know? And how, when you start walking down one do you stop yourself from panicking and backtracking? Because that is what I keep doing, trying and trying and getting too scared and coming back to this madness point and I don’t understand how to choose. I have always been indecisive, but a new level of confusion is something else.

 

Depressing posts these last few times – not fun, eh! Apologies. Crohnies is alright at the moment, haven’t taken my tablets yet today since it is all still packed up from the move home after university, but going to have to dig them out tonight! I am still so scared for Friday the 13th (see the last post!) so we can see how that turns out. I think I just feel like I am juggling too many flaming knives, and that each time I have a near miss I come a little bit closer to being burned even worse. HOW DRAMATIC AM I. Apologies for the doom and gloom, I shall give myself a slap on the hand for wallowing, grab a bar of choc and head to the sun for some Vitamin D and to get over myself and move on. Or try to.

 

Enjoy the picture below – makes me smile!

 

H x

 

Image (Here’s Hoping. H x)

I think its back, and I am scared


I think, I have a gut feeling, that its back.

 I hope its not, I hope I am wrong, I hope I am being paranoid. All through this process whenever I was given options – for example “we are starting this medicine theres a 70% chance it will work, but if not we can up the dose” I needed the raised dose. “We probably can just do a scan, if not we can do a colonoscopy” I needed a colonscopy. “only as a last resort do people need an operation, its rare”…well guess who needed the op? I know. I know, its moaning and self -pitying to write like that, and for the first time in a long time I am sat here pouring out fears in a way that probably makes no sense; I am writing for the sake of spilling my feelings as opposed to trying to write a good post, necessarily. I am writing because I am scared and I need to blurt it out, not because I have an interesting thought I wanted to share.

 

My colonoscopy has been moved to Friday the 13th June… I know. Guess what that day is? it will mark exactly 6 months TO THE DAY that I ended up in an ambulance into A and E because of a crohns attack. I guess it must be fate? I hope that it is the neat end to a full circle, from a rapid deterioration to a recovery and confirmation of being all clear. I hope so. But I am worried its just a sign that I had my 6 months circle, lets begin again.

 

I am being selfish I know, it returning will not be the end of the world – worst things happen. I will get over it. I will. I just don’t want to have to get over it…I want to be able to be lazy in terms of not having to fight my body to function normally and eat what I want and do what I want. I want it to just work, to keep enjoying this freedom and happiness I have found since the operation. It wouldn’t be fair. But then, life isn’t fair….gulp..

 

Sorry, for the deterioration in post quality! Sorry for the rant, but thank you for being the outlet to the rant, it was needed

 

Hope your days are going better than mine

H x