Mental health


Okay so I know I gave up a bit on my daily posts, and I am sorry – I really enjoyed doing them to be fair, the general updates and the ability to chat about something that wasn’t a “this-is-what-I-have-done-in-the-last-3-months-since-I-posted” type thing, and I promise I will try to keep up the regular posting.

I am going through a shitty stage right now. And I don’t think I am coping very well. Or know how to cope very well. And its all a bit tough. I am not even sure why I am writing this, or that I want to – its something that is very recent and raw and I am battling with it, and I don’t really want a bunch of strangers on the internet to judge me over it. But, I started this blog to be honest and true, and a space to vent, and that is what it should be. I genuinely think mental health needs to be talked about more, and supported more and the stigma around it removed, but how can I think that and then refuse to be open and honest about hard times; because the overwhelming need to always act like everything is fine is one of the problems here. It IS okay to not be okay. It really is.

I have always known I am quite an anxious person, for as long as I can remember, and I don’t know if that is a bit of OCD, or anxiety or what, but it has always been there. But in the past year or so it has really been getting worse, and then I cant control my emotions, I cry over everything, and get genuinely worked up and upset over stupid thing. And then in the past few months my anger has really reared its head- and I am ashamed just to type that. (And to be honest the only reason I am brave enough to write this post is because I try to keep myself anonymous and separate from my daily life, so that this cant get back to me. But still. So – if for any reason you do know me. pretend you never read this. please? because if I knew people were reading it, I would never be able to write as freely as I do.) I just get SO angry over silly things, ti the point where I genuinely cant control my rage, and this and all the other things is impacting my relationship, and my family, and mainly me. So, I reached out, to a therapist, to the doctors, I do need help, and I am going to try and get it. But, as a side note, I have a lot going on in my life, and I think it is okay to admit that I am coping with a lot, and that its okay to find that tough.

So, I know this post is mega long and boring already, but here is a list of what is on my mind at the moment, written as a moment of self appreciation for juggling these without combusting any sooner.

  • Unemployment. I finished my masters nearly 6 months ago and was under the impression, given by many of the tutors, that work would be do-able. It hasn’t been for me. I now have a cool job for 2 days per week, starting in 2 weeks, but that isn’t really enough. And its only for 6 months. So what do I do the other three days? What do I do if this doesn’t get extended?
  • General job insecurity – where the hell will I be in a year? do I keep following my dreams or go for security and money?
  • Living situation – moving between my mums, dads and boyfriends every few days is exhausting. I never unpack my suitcase, and constantly move about. last week I reached 14 days moving somewhere new every single night. I just want a home, and a room, that is my room.
  • Boyfriend – we are arguing SO MUCH. and it is mainly my fault, because of my anxiety I am not coping well with everything else and its all building up and I am not being a good girlfriend or friend or person and that makes me hate myself even more. Bleugh. Plus we are trying to live together, but that is on hold because of my job situation, and the fact it is bloody terrifying
  • Crohns – OBVS. always there . always a general haunting threat at the back of my mind, oh the joys. Got to arrange to have some new tests done in a few weeks, so that should be fun
  • Family – My dads separation / divorce or whatever. I found out my stepmum and half siblings are moving house again, further away, to somewhere bigger and more permanent. Not that I was officially told, except by my 9 year old sister who, obviously, assumed I knew. Not. It is a huge stress and sadness in my life to have my family be divided again.

 

And so many of those categories have subcategories and more. And I am sorry if I am selfish and moaning and rambling on. But this is my blog and I will do what I want 😉

No, but seriously. I am having a really rough time at the moment, and sometimes I just need to put it on paper to know that I am not crazy (or not totally at least!) and that I am dealing with a lot, and its okay to not be okay. I just hope that this doesn’t last for too much longer, because being okay is much more fun.

 

Chin up,

H x

Fom sad to happy all in one call


CHEESE ALERT RIGHT HERE

I am way too quick to blog when I am sad, but this has to be the biggest shoutout to my favourite person, my boyfriend is incredible. I know like  90% of people will have just stopped reading, and to those of you powering on – thank you. (Side note: does it count as a shoutout when you are anonymous, you don’t mention any names and you have no intention of telling said person you wrote about them? Perhaps not…but you all get the gist 😉 )

 

Today is sunday, and I had a fab time with my family yesterday but was feeling the guilt for not working. So the plan was to get up and go to Santas grotto with the kids (my half brother and sister aged 8 and 4) then go for lunch together before coming home for the afternoon and I had planned to work. It is now 1pm and my stepmum earlier decided to go out shopping with my sister, and they have just not come back. It now means we aren’t going out for lunch because we have no time, I wont be able to see the kids meet santa because I have to work this afternoon, I feel like I wasted my morning and my work is going sh*t so I was having a bit of a feel sorry for myself. I had a little text-y moan to my boyfriend, sulked up back to my laptop and proceeded to eat a large handful of chocolate maltester things (which although delicious I now feel guilty for, considering I am more representing a whole pod of whales than a single human being at the moment. FML)

Anyway, we all have those times, but I think I let them get to  me more. I over think things, I feel sad, I feel tired, I let it all get on top of me. I  forget to think about the good and how lucky I am, and instead feel sad for no reason and then spiral – many a good day have I ruined in such a way. Anyway, I sent my boyfriend a snapchat of me eating the maltester things- since he had bought them for me last week or so; and he called me. He called me just to say he loved me. Just to say keep going with the work, just to say he missed me. And I of course promptly burst into tears – great work me. I honestly don’t deserve him. We are having a weekend away to have some space, so I can work and see family and so he can relax with his too – and its weird and I am not sure I like it, but at the same time I am enjoying it – but what I mean is, I am not his problem this weekend, he has no obligation (aside from being my boyfriend haha) to be looking after me, and yet he still is. He is fantastic and lovely and kind and sweet and I don’t know what I would do without him.

I realise this is one of the worst-written most cliché posts I have done (or if there are others worse than this, apologies!) but I had to type it, I had to say it, I want to shout it from the rooftops. I feel happy, pushed back up, lucky and determined. I think having so many shit days with my illness, I am used to just crying to myself, putting on a smile and faking being okay for so long; and now I have someone that I don’t have to fake it with, and who doesn’t care that I screw up probably more than I get it right, and that, THAT is something incredible.

 

On a side note – its 2 years today since I ended up in an ambulance and en route to A and E for 12 hours, how time has changed. Feeling so grateful that I have come so far from there, and so hopeful things never go back. Also a memory of my best friend from uni, who took perfect care of me, called the emergency services, helped me get dressed, held my hand, stayed with me, everything. I really am lucky. Friday 13th of 2013 was a bad day for me indeed, but Sunday 13th of 2015 is a day of reflection and of trying to be more grateful for everything I have.

H x

decisions are not my friend…


Hi again,

I know I only posted a pretty miserable post yesterday, and I am sure the last thing you want to hear about is all the same crap again…but here it is. sorry. (promise to try to be a little more upbeat next time!)

So a review of my current situation:

I am at home, in my PJS having been off sick from work for the second day in a row. After having only been in for 8 days. By Friday I will have been out of offie for 50% of the time they have employed me. So I am not sure how much longer that will go on….

I am stressed about work. about them understanding that I am not faking this illness, about them not firing me. But then I don’t LOVE the job. I took it in haste to earn money, but now I think it may be a mistake, that maybe I should have held out longer for a job I actually really enjoyed. Should I quit? should I do a masters? Or a PGCE? I know where I want to be, but at the moment I cant quite get there. I want to move to London because my boyfriend is heading there. But should I live outside of London with a friend (but it will be expensive and still a commute, and in a small and quiet town) or should I just randomly flat share with strangers to get closer to London…but that means I have to keep the job because I need a definite way of paying rent.

I have tried to volunteer in so many museums, but to no avail. so how can I move out if I cant even secure a volunteering space?

I want my blood test results back. I am worried about being ill. I am angry that my hospital hasn’t monitored me, so I cannot be sure that it isn’t something more serious.

I am stressed about what job decision to make.

I am scared of getting left behind in my friends lives

I am scared of being ill again, and im paranoid that just a sore throat has knocked me off work for two days with emergency blood tests and panics. How does anyone live a ormal life like this ?

So many decisions. so many big questions, and all need answers relatively quick. and I have none of them. Someone, help me?

#disheartened

H x

Titleless


image

Just an add-on to yesterdays post,  this is my right arm yesterday with the cannula in – the first in my left was unsuccessful and is still painful today :/

I sent this as a snapchat to a few of my friends who wanted updates on how yesterday went and I was too shaky, nervous or sedated to type properly – so a quick snap was perfect!

Something that made me sad, but also made me laugh ; was that so many of my friends were grossed out ir shocked by how medical it looks- in a hospital gown and bed with needles taped into your arm. Yes jt isn’t the nicest sight, and Im not exactly the biggest fan of it- but I am so used to it now, so used to hospitals and the procedures and the rest that it seems not so bad to me. It saddens me that my life is just that little bit different to all my friends in that this scene is a part of my life and one that is still so alien to them.  This “casual-ness” (sorry no idea of a better word ahha)  on my part towards the procedures backfired a little bit yesterday when I acted fine but then reality hit me about two hours before the colonoscopy and I felt so sick and shaky- putting on a brave face is fine but I need to remember to allow myself a panic and time to prepare!

H x

I wish I could help you…


…my best friend is ill, really, quite ill.

It started a month or so ago and she got shaky hands, and just felt ill, heavy legs, dizzy and tired a lot. At first there were the usual hangover jokes, the being lazy, but then it became clear that she was ill. She went to the uni doctors last week and since then we have been to the hospital for blood tests, the doctors, more appointments, the works. She has been told it was several different things, only to start to come to terms with it and then be told it was something else entirely. She still doesn’t know – fingers crossed by the end of today she will know. As if that wasn’t bad enough –  She has a university trip coming up next week and isn’t sure if she can go.

 

Its weird – I know what shes going through. yes, a different pain, different circumstances, different person. But still, the hurt and the not knowing and my heart goes out to her, its horrible and I can only guess at what is to come. She supported me best as she could, and came to A and E with me and everything- and I will do everything and anything in my power to help her with whatever, and she knows it. But it is so hard to know what is coming and not be able to help or shield her. Or to be able to make her feel better..or anything. I have always been that ill person this last year, and its almost easier. You can be angry or upset or emotional and you just accept what is happening; but to be on the other side and see someone ill with literally nothing you can do is so hard. And you don’t have the..’excuse’… to be angry or upset because you have to be rational and supportive. I hope to god that it is something easy to sort, something that will be gone soon enough. Heres hoping.

 

On another illness note I am back to the doctors next Tuesday for blood test check ups and also I want some testing to be done on my heart, I keep getting a slight ache on the left side of my chest and when I was in hospital I had a very high pulse even at resting, something my dad calls “my hamster heart” (thanks, dad) and I want to get it all checked out; as well as ask a few more questions about my medication for my Crohnies.

So, a bit of an emotional rollercoaster at the moment, its hard to get the balance right between reassuring her and chatting about my own experiences with being patronising about having done it before. Everything is different for everyone and I want to find the right balance. I have a weekend at home to look forward to – for my brothers 3rd birthday, so it will be a nice break and a chance to see my fam-a-lam again, who I am really missing since being so close to them all over operation-gate at Christmas.

 

Sigh, life sure knows how to throw a curve ball.

H x