trying to move on with life is harder than you would think

I am sorry for the lack of inspiration in these posts, and the lack of focus on my journey with crohns. As it stands the hospital appears to be ignoring me and I am still waiting for some further camera testing to be done to see if it is active anywhere – but so far I am just grateful it hasn’t flared due to stress.

But honestly, my life is beginning to function again day to day, and enjoying seeing my friends and family more than I have been able to in months. Up until the breakup I was so busy trying to fix my relationship, that I let so many other things slip past. And that was bad of me, and I am trying to make up for that now and enjoy the people around me who are genuinely here for me, and are going to be a permenant part of my life.

My friends are trying to encourage me to join lots of dating websites and go on speed dates, and begin to just “get over him” and ” be more positive” – little do they know how impossible that is.  How could I ever feel that way about anyone else again? I cant see one person ever being so important in my life, or me being so willing to dedicate my life to one person in that way. He was my best friend, my confidant, an incredible person and so much more. Clearly, he had his flaws, and there are so many things about the ending of the relationship that I resent him for, the way in which he ended things was brutal and I didn’t deserve to be treated like such shit, as if I was unimportant and unworthy of his time even for a proper conversation. I feel like he clearly decided this a few weeks ago and just didn’t know how to say it, hence the extra arguments and all the comments like “I don’t want children”, which I think he just said because he knew it was a deal breaker for me, and he was trying to get me to end things. Which is cowardly and hurtful.

But I don’t understand how I could love someone like that again, and I don’t think I ever will. To be so comfortable with someone, so in love with them, and all the things I wanted with him I cant imagine wanting with someone else. And I don’t really want to even think about it yet. There is still a part of me hoping that he will change his mind, but I also hate that part of me. And I hate the fact that I know I would run straight back into his arms if he asked. I think I am a different person, I am stronger and more independent and really have had time to reflect on my actions and flaws and what I would do differently next time. And that is a good thing. But the bad thing is all I wish is that he could see it, fall back in love with me, and want to try again. How ridiculous and stupid. Especially considering I doubt he has given me a second thought since the day he ended things. He has an incredible ability to step aside from the emotional side and cut that out, and that is exactly what he did to me.

Side note – I also bloody miss his family. I spent three years trying to bond with them, and form relationships, and now they have gone. And I miss them. And his mum. So, so bloody much. It isn’t just one person I lost, but also my dreams, planned future, his family, our joint friends, and so much more.

I am beginning to laugh again, and remember how to enjoy things in my life, and am trying to appreciate what I DO have, not what I have lost. But that is hard. Especially on days off when I have a lot more time to think. I wish things were different. So badly. I try to remind myself that life goes on, but that isn’t very easy sometimes when it feels like the best thing in my life just threw me away like yesterdays rubbish.

H x

No, it isn’t getting easier

the break up was 2 months ago today. And I am still crying over it, pretty much everyday. My heart hurts and my life seems just a little less full without him in it. It takes every bit of my strength not to reach out, and beg and plead for him to reconsider, to remind him of everything good we had, to say “how about a clean slate?”; but then I remember he could contact me anytime he liked. He just doesn’t want to.

I cleaned my room today and accidently found a card he had written me. His handwriting, his words, his promises- they broke my heart all over again. I miss him physically, his friendship, his laugh, the way he sang along to songs in the car, the way he held me at night, the promises he made and the security he represented, I miss every last thing about him. And I cant for the life of me remember what we used to argue about all the time. I cant. And I have such immeasurable guilt and sorrow over my part in it all, and would do anything to take it back. I just wish he felt half as strongly as I did, but clearly, I was wrong.

I feel like an idiot for feeling so strongly about someone who threw me away with a post-pub phonecall. Who has cut me out so completely and effortlessly, and has made me feel so worthless. When did he stop loving me the way I still love him? And how do I turn these feelings off the way he did? He was my first everything, and I thought my one and only evyerhting. I committed every part of myself to him, and to us, and now he has taken it away- I feel, broken. Utterly. I have worked so hard on myself, with therapy and anxiety courses, with jobs which keep me motivated and stop me being bored and sad in the week- and yet he doesn’t care. So many life changes have happened that I want to tell him about, but then I have toremind myself he doesn’t want to listen. It is the hardest thing in the world to love someone and want them this much, but have no control over being able to get it.

The promises we made, the dreams we shared, the smiles we had, the memories we made. I want them back, and I want them forever. And I am not sure how to accept the fact they are gone, when I would still do anything I could to change that. My head, and my heart, are hurting.

H x