Hello, 2017. Day 1.


Firstly – HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I hope that each and everyone of you reading this has a year full of happiness, health and success ahead of you.

Now time for my guilty confession.  I realised that I wrote at the end of my last post that I would try to blog each day, but messed up and then decided to start again. For 2017. To try and write more regularly – maybe a post-a-day for January, but that may well not happen, but, I will try. I have enough pressure in my life, and feelings of failure – so I don’t want to make that as a commitment and fail, instead, its just something I am going to try, nice and casually.

 

So, a short thought, quote, or update per day. Lets start with – New Years! I welcomed in the New Year with a mini house party at my boyfriends, surrounded by home and uni friends, and it couldn’t have been more perfect. We drank, we chatted, we laughed, we danced, and we welcomed the new year in with a bang. I hope that is how this year can continue, full of happiness surrounded by the people I love.

This year is one which I am sure will bring plenty of changes for me, hopefully involving my career, moving out, and I think a turning (hopefully not breaking!) point with my boyfriend. I feel like I am overdue a little bit of success, so watch this space! Obviously, Crohns is an ever-present part of my life, which I hope to keep in remission at arms length for as long as possible!

 

Anyway, a short update from me.

H x

Mixed Feelings today


Hey all,

I just thought I had better post, because its been a while since I have and I don’t want to get back out of the habit!

Today is a weird one (so strap in ready for a rollercoaster!).. its a mix of being satisfied, happy, miserable, lonesome, proud, determined, dis-heartened and loved. Not even sure if that’s possible, but there we go.

At the start of this week I felt sh*t, basically. I have this ear infection thing (not in my ear, but a cut under my ear which has now grown and got infected, and just can’t heal due to my immune system being weaker than a limp dandelion) and its been getting more sore, I had blood test results back with increased inflammation, I had a rash all over my chest and tummy and also..I was just so sad. For no reason. I have been struggling a lot lately with it and I don’t understand why. Anywaay, I don’t want to write too much about it because I can feel it making me sad again already- and this is NOT the aim of this post! So, I trundled off back to my third home, ie the doctors, and saw my favourite guy again who is so lovely and understanding! Anyway, the rash is just the after effects of being ill (apparently, although it still hasn’t gone) and I got some more tablets and a cream for my ear, and discussed the blood results and moving specialists for my crohns. I also then sucked it up and asked him about if there was potential for psychologists, and finding someone to talk to.  (you wouldn’t believe how many times I just typed that sentence and deleted it – I feel like I am going to be judged already, but whats the point in having this personal blog if I lie in it?!). A few members of my family have / had depression, and we talked about this and some other things such as trying to control my emotions better, and its something I have been working on but am definitely not there yet- and I want to get help to get there.  I think I just need help making myself happy, I rely too much on my boyfriend, friends and family, that I can be so happy when I am with them, but as soon as they leave its like the light leaves with them, and I get stuck in this shitty space on my own that I just can’t drag myself out of. Its too tricky to try to explain, so I won’t attempt it any more. But anyway ,I got a number to call and sort things out, and although I haven’t called it yet, its reassuring just to know I can – and I will, when I get more time!

 

So, a bit of a poo start to the week. And I am UBER stressed- so many essays to crack on with , notes to write, readings to do, presentations to make, projects to crack on with. But, that’s okay. I would prefer to be busy and doing things than not, so I have made an extra effort this week to plan lots of things and crack on with being busy. It is bith my parents birthdays this weekend and I still have to buy them presents – which is a little stressful too! Argh! But, I am sat here essay writing, and stressing, sat in bed (its my day off from uni) with the kitty on my feet and feeling…fine. Which in itself feels amazin, just to feel fine!

Anyway, below is a picture from Mount Vesuvious, which I climbed with my friends a few years ago – climbed may be a strong word, theres a path you walk up hah! But, I was in the middle of a flare, I had been sick the week before on my archaeology dig and fought through it. I was being sick in the toilets in the middle of the day, sweating it out and then carrying on digging all whilst being unable to stand straight at some times. I was with my friends though, doing what I loved, and that was okay. (this was all just a few months before my operation, though I didn’t know it at the time!). I climbed a VOLCANO. On a flare. I teared up a bit at the top, I had to stop a lot of times to double over, but I did it. So, a measly little essay and some school work should be fine, lets smash this (Y)

 

 

Side note – I would have used brackets but  think I used them too much this post, is there even such a thing?!) When I was flicking through my photos to find these ones, I saw this photo of a view from a harbour we walked along. What is interesting about this photo, and this view? I took it after literally being unable to walk anymore. We had walked along this harbour, and I could feel my stomach going, cramping, hurting. We were meant to be walking to a castle/ fort thing (which we did eventually get to!) but I literally couldn’t go on anymore, I was tearing up it hurt so much and was walking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame! My friends were the best, and we sat down for an ice cream / drink / crohns break for a while, but I remember a pure moment of desperation in that time, that I was letting them down, holding them back, stopping them enjoying it, that I just couldn’t get up and carry on. But, you know what? I Did. And that day was such a good day, and those times were such happy times.

 

Here is to many more times of feeling shit, overcoming desperation and getting on with the brilliant things that life may bring!

positive thoughts to you all  (and sorry this was so long!)

H x

Guess who’s back?! 


Sorry for the break since my last post (or maybe you all are welcoming the peace and quiet?!) but I am back and back with a vengeance 😉 I have just been so busy recently and everytime I have thought about posting I chicken out, it’s tiring to put yourself out there and open yourself up to the world sometimes! 

Anyway, where am I now? Sat in the cafe opposite UCL Archaeology Building waiting to go for my next lecture,  because yes I AM A MASTERS STUDENT awahhooooo. Very exciting but also tiring and slightly stressful! I am enjoying it but it is all a lot f pressure and quite scary!

Things with my boyfriend are…good. We had a bit of a rough patch which is hard and scary, but we are also (I think) having some of the best times together. I found out yesterday he has read part of this blog (hey if one day you read this!) and it felt pretty damn weird. I ha said I wouldn’t mind but since I didn’t know he was it felt a bit like snooping I guess. I asked what he thought, although I was dreading the answer. I was worried he would think “moany” “grumpy” “pathetic” “weird” and the like; and all he was actually saying was that I should never stop. Never change what I write, to keep being honest and truthful and leaking anything I need to to make myself feel better. All he was worried about what that I found out he read this and that it would change what or how I wrote. And maybe it will. And I am sad about that. But I am also pleased and feel even closer to him. I am proud I am dating someone who is so kind that that is all he worries about, not the manic moaning and weird whining that he read. So, if you ever read this- thank you. X

Have had such a lovely weekend, although q few ups and downs, and am already counting down the days until the next one- y life seems spent waiting for something else to happen, which isn’t how I want it to be! 

I am scared about the future and how much everything is going to be changing for me. And how o hope that I can hold on to some things that I have now, and it will slip away. I hope it doesn’t. I am so so happy, and those times when i feel sad I can cope. And that feels good.
Wish me luck with yet another humira injection tonight. Sob.

H x

Thank you, I needed this one


Hi all,

A bit more of a positive post today, albeit a random one.
As you may remember I had 4 days off work last week due to having a throat infection, and being on humira and trying to sort out hospital appointments and blood tests etc. Nothing funn! Anyway, back at work now and I had to have a meeting with my manager yesterday, which I was clearly very nervous about – having spent 50% of my employment on leave for graduation or sick…and I was half expecting them to say that if it happened again (or there were too many doctors appointments) they would just have to give in, because im only on a 6 month contract, they don’t know me that well yet, and you know…its a big hassle for them to cover and deal with someone who is unpredictably so ill. But , my manager was so fantastic. He took me into a meeting room and basically asked me what had happened last week, and asked me what was crohns, and humira, and how long am I on it, and what are the symptoms, and how does it affect me, and what do I think for the future, and …so many questions. But I am happy to talk about it, I am happy to be open and honest about it – saying how it hasn’t affected me like that for so long, saying how this is a side effect of the drug not my disease.

I understand I put / am putting him in a tricky situation, and so he deserves my honesty and to answer any questions he has as honestly and truthfully as I can. I explained everything, I said how I would need a few hours every now and again for bloods or doctors meetings, and that to be honest that illness could happen again where I would need a few days off. And then I sat. And waited.  Then he spoke. He said that they understand it must be a difficult time for me too (and that is important to me to, its not just about work, its nice to be acknowledged as a person) he said that he would try and support me as much as possible. I really appreciate him trying to understand it, which made me feel he was taking it seriously. They said it will only become a real issue for work if that began happening really regurlarly, or if I wasn’t doing my best to manage my condition – for example if the doctor said alcohol makes it worse and I was binge drinking every week…but that makes total sense to me. He said if something else like that happened there is the chance I could work from home for a few days to sort it out, he asked that I keep him in the loop with the doctors in terms of updating him and making sure he understands the situation as it is. It really meant a lot to me that they were going to do their best to support me, as much as they can, YAY

Now I know this post is already super long and boring, but there are two more small things I wanted to write about.

1) I am getting fat. How depressing. I think that it could be linked to the medicine, but that could be an excuse. I need to eat less, go on a diet. and I AM trying, but I am constantly hungry! I don’t feel like I am getting all the nutrients I need – I just don’t feel full or satisfied.  Anyone else?!

2) I know this blog can feel a little boring, long blocks of text and limited pictures and never any of me. Well, there is a reason for that – I am not just lazy!  for a reason I don’t want to be definitively linked to this blog, which is why it is anonomous. I don’t want to be judged on what I write, or feel like I have to edit what I say. I don’t want people to know about my inner thoughts and struggles before they know me. I want this to be private, until I choose to share it. So, apologies if it is a little bland or “impersonal” compared to other selfie-filled blogs. But please, stick with me. It doesn’t make it any less raw or truthful, not to me anyway. Hope you understand

H x

So another term draws to a close…


…but not before having a last minute essay stress!
I am busily typing away to you (going to be a quickie im afraid – cheeeeeky 😉 ) because I am in the middle of trying to do a 2000 word essay for Friday, and lets just say its not going to plan! bleughh!

My tap shows last week went FAB, they were so much fun and such a confidence boost and a bit of a moral victory over my Crohns. For months I thought that my operation would stop me going to it, PAH, as if. Screw you Crohnies, I got up there and tapped my heart out and enjoyed every minute! (bit of a lie, first show I thought I was going to be sick I was so scared…the glamour of showbiz haha!)
I missed the last show on the Sunday to drive back home and go to my granddads 80th, which was really good fun 🙂 Not quite the afterparty I had in mind, but something probably more memorable! I love family things like that, although gutted it overlapped with Pure Dance; what were the chances?!

ANYWAYS back now! Just trying to get this essay done (as I have said 5 times already … apologies it really has been a long day!) and just wrote a blog post on my archaeology blog about the work I was doing- the title is ” do computer models allow us to experience the past as it really was? Discuss with examples’ and although its really irrelevant to what I normally post on here, just wanted to copy a paragraph across because I was pretty proud of it! :

“… That’s pretty weird right? Someone who is spending three years of their life to study the past and try to understand peoples lives and how they thought and acted, and yet I don’t want better simulations? The reason is simple – a computer isn’t a person. And I don’t think it ever should be. A computer cant think, or feel, or have emotions; it cant remember memories attached to certain places in a town or house, it cant feel wind or heat or appreciate the rush of happiness you get when you walk out of a cool house into a hot courtyard towards a fountain…its a machine. No matter how brilliant these models can become (and they are already pretty damn amazing!) the next step leans towards AI, and computers beginning to understand these things and I am not sure I think that’s good. THey are clever enough; are we really so vain as to think we can condense the essence of being human, that human spirit, into a machine? Into a code? I don’t think that machines will ever truly allow us to experience the past as it really was because; well, it was experienced by people, interacting with other people, caring for yet more people. And a computer just cant show us all that. …”

I KNOW. Deep, huh? 😉 But, I was pleased it showed my feeling well, I think – although needless to say I haven’t been able to put that into my essay, I don’t think its the correct style of writing! But I am trying hard to adapt it to fit into what I want it to be, and to make my point just as strongly but in a more academic way.

Chronies is fine, the scar is merrily just healing away (woo) although starting to get some serious grumbling noises again, but I am just staunchly in denial. Humpff. I am having a blood test and seeing the specialist after the Easter holidays (in a month) to check on all my levels. SO I guess I would see things then. But its not swollen or sore anymore, which I am taking as a good thing!
Hope you are all having a good week, and nobody is too stressed!

Big Smiles,

H x