Gosh, life is confusing. Day 9,2017.

I didn’t blog over the weekend – one day was because I forgot, another was an active choice, to spend my time enjoying the day rather than writing about it. 

This weekend I went home with my boyfriend to his parents – which was really lovely. They have a beautiful home, in a lovely place, and it’s always like a mini holiday being there. But once again I fought with my boyfriend, which is wearing me, and him, down. I love him very much, and I know he loves me, but we are just going through a clashing phase – and it’s no fun at all. We decided to put moving in together on hold – which I guess is sensible but I’m a little heartbroken over it. I hope that we can get back on track quickly, and move forward with it 🙂 
So today I found out I got through one stage of job application, although decided not to continue as don’t think the job was right for me- but it’s still reassuring. I also did some more applications, but nothing that exciting. I wish that I knew what my future held, because it’s all so unsure and scary right now.

Sometimes I really feel like I’m driven and have something to offer, and others, I can’t understand why people put up with ms. I’m negative, make mistakes, and generally am feeling like a A failure. So, so. Not sure where I was going with that train of thought, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels it. I just want cuddles and support and then feel bad for wanting it and being such a draining burden on everyone. Golly. 

Guess the only plan is chin up andfingers  crossed tomorrow goes better. 
Be happy

H X

Interviews done, motivation up. Day 3, 2017

I almost feel like I am writing a ships blog, with the whole “day 3 into the unknown, 2017 thus far…” feel in the title. But I hope that writing the days will help me to keep on track with my “post a day” plan.

I was hoping to upload some photos into this post, to make it a bit less boring – that is something ELSE I need to improve on. Post more, write succinctly, add imagery – ie redo my entire blog writing style, after all, who wants to read these rambles at the best of times, may as well make them pretty!

So, the big dilemma of today is JOBS (can refer to yesterdays post if you wanted to see an original mini-rant on the topic, but feel free to just join in with this one today :P). I am at a crossroads in my career – or maybe the starting block, or a starting block with multiple lanes to run down? Not quite sure which is the correct metaphor, but in essence I have to get a job and start my career and I have no idea which way to turn, or how to do it. Which is stressful. Anyway, today I had a great interview with a “sales and recruitment” recruiter- who focus on getting graduates into these kind of jobs, and YIPPEE they liked me, and have agreed to help me, and I am infact sat by my phone now waiting for them to call to discuss opportunities starting ASAP. Which is great, and exciting, and gives me the potential to earn money, move out, get on with my life. All yay…..

…But. And its quite a bit but (cheeky, not in that way 😉 ) It will mean kind of giving up on the museum thing. I  mean, it wont. I will still keep an eye out for museum stuff, and hope that the new experience and job skills may help in the future. But, I kinda feel like I am failing by not carrying on with the museum stuff alone. By not being strong enough to just say “nope this is what I want, and this is what I am going to do”. But I have done that, for about 3 and a half months now. And that’s a long time to fail, and to have no job and no money. And so I think I might do it. Might take this other job, to give myself experience, and money and move forward. And hope that one day I can get back to the museum stuff. But what if I cant? Am I letting myself down? My family down?  Will people judge me? is this a mistake? Will I hate it? Who even knows. Argh. Its a big weight on my mind, and I am not good at decisions at the best of times!

 

Anyway, crossroads/ wonky starting block/ confused little life path. All must be overcome. At least I remembered to blog, I supposed.

H x

Masters Mayhem

So, I am officially useless at blogging. I used to be really good at keeping you up-to-date, but now my crohns is in remission (touch wood!) it seems there is a lot less worth writing about. Sorry!

So, my 23rd birthday is in 10 days (gulp, I feel so old writing that) – and I am not exactly where I thought I would be by now. I feel way too old to still be at university, to be living at home, to not have a job…but still too young to spend all day every day in an office churning out some inevitably boring nonsense which I couldn’t care less about. So my current dilemma is balancing money, friends, family, work, boyfriend, masters dissertation and the job hunt – all to try and figure out where I want to be, and how I want to get there. Its a tricky one indeed.

My masters is due 6 weeks today, which makes me feel more than a little queasy, and i have currently lost 100% of my motivation and ability to work. I spend my days procrastinating and then feeling horribly guilty about my lack of work – not a productive or healthy way to be spending my time. I am hoping to just push through, crack on and force myself to work; because getting a good grade in this dissertation is hugely important to my overall masters, and it seems wasteful to just be giving up at the end.

On the job front. hmm. So I still want to work within museums and heritage, but it seems so bloody difficult. If I keep trying, theres a chance I will get lucky, find a break, a way in; but realistically it is looking less and less plausible. Only the odd volunteer role comes my way, which isnt going to be enough to pay my bills and let me live the life I want. But then, I am too young (I think) to just be doing a job I hate, for the sake of money. So; the dilemma. How long to keep waiting, to keep hoping, before just going for something else? And before everyone rushes in with “dont give up on your dreams, it will be worth it in the end blah b lah” – try living on pretty much no money, with all your friends moving out and upwards, and being stuck in the same cycle you were in aged 15. Theres a limit to how long you can wait, trust me.

 

The crohns front, my old friend, seems to be happy resting its ugly head for now, thank god. I am struggling a bit with being overly tired at the moment, but I guess the general stress factor can be thanked for that, although I do have a tendency to blame everything bad on crohns – its caused enough trouble :p

Anyway, apologies for the long ramble full of nothing-ness, will try to keep you all more up to date.

H

x

I just want to hide away

fatigue can p*ss right off.

I am always hesitant to say that that is what I am suffering from because sometimes I’m just normal tired. And that’s fine. But I felt so exhausted yesterday but still went down to Southampton on a girls road trip to see our old house mate and go shopping; and I am so so glad I did- it was such a happy lovely day. But I got tired at about 5, and I mean struggling to open my eyes tired, not haut a bit sleepy

Now it’s nearly 1pm and I can’t get out of bed. I haven’t eaten or drunk, I just don’t want to move. I am fatigued and my limbs are heavy and my eyes feels like lead and I just never want to move again. But I have so much on in my life what with boyfriend, and not seeing family and trying to split time between mums and dads and trying to decide in a masters and to tidy my room and sort my washing for work next week- but I just can’t face any of it. Add it in the random bouts of unnecessary crying and the slight feeling of self disgust I am having about my looks / self confidence right now all in all it isn’t a good day. 

😦 

I have my colonoscopy next week so am looking forward to getting some answers! I have been feeling a bit sick after eating recently, so I am hoping that is just bad luck and not anything more – but I will just be glad To know! 

Hope your all having happier weekends than me

H x

Family are everything 😘

so after my rather panicked last post here is a quickie (cheeky!) to fill you in on what has been happening …

I was all ready to hand in my notice on Friday and just dive in. For this masters; to just do what I want rather than maybe what is sensible. To do something that scares me and is a risk; rather than something I know I can safely keep doing.  Anyway I let mum know and she was just like don’t do it, not sure we / I can afford it. Sh*t. I didn’t know what to do, it really threw me. Why didn’t mum bring this up at any other time in the process? Anyway it knocked me off track for Friday, as did boyfriend drama (my period hormones kicking in at juuuuuuust the right time  ) although I think after talking to my dad she may have changed her mind. But she is right. The debt is scary. The cost of living in London and doing a masters is terrifying. Can I do this masters and juggle my social life, volunteering and a part time job? Will it be worth it? God I wish I knew.

Anyway I came down to my boyfriends Friday night and had a few hours of bumming around before he got home from rugby, and as annoying as the plan change was it was nice to have some time to just gather my thoughts back together and just pootle around on my own. It is scary how much I rely on him, how being around his calm self really sorts me out when I am in a flap. (I know, cheesey much! And FYI I still haven’t plucked up the courage to show him this, so the compliments aren’t even jut for show! 😉 )

  Then today we got up and watched some TV before shooting his air rifle at the bottom of one of the fields at his house (I managed to miss the paper target every single time!) then we had a nap – since he was tired but considering I am due my injection and also messed up last week, my tiredness is getting pretty Crohnic too?! Although – side note- not feeling much worse than normal weeks considering the catastrophe that was my last injection! 

Anyway; then at half 3 we left to get a train, no sorry; a LOT of trains (!) into London to see my family for a dinner. We are in route home now and due to arrive at 11.15, after 5 hours in the trains in total! Normally I would have given it a miss considering how far away we were, but my Grandad’s sister was over from Israel as was her husband and a friend of my grabdads from his childhood; and I’m not sure when I will next get to see them again, so it meant a lot. One thing that did wind me up was hearing my mum over dramatically tell the story of xrohns and how I am stuck with this Crohnie illness and got rushed to hospital and the operation etc; and that bugs me because it isn’t a story In ashamed of, but it isn’t what I want told to people as we meet them; it isn’t something I want to be judged or defined upon. I want to be treated like everyone else and it be my decision as to when and how I introduce my crohns. Far be it that I am EMBARASSED, only the night before I spent a good hour chatting about it all with my boyfriends mym, I am totally open- but it should be me who picks that moment. Anyway. 

I am sat in te train trying to keep my eyes open., feeling tired and stressed about more travelling and family visiting tomorrow, as well as the dreaded injection and masters decision making. I am tired and a little overwhelmed. I wish I could do things just for me and not for others sometimes. I wish I could spend this long weekend at my boyfriends curled up with him and recuperating, with no pressure to do or be anything I don’t want; but I can’t, such as life. 

This is a post from one tired but happy, sleepy but satisfied, and stressed but determined little Crohnie. 

H x

So many questions

I think I want to quit my job. And go for a masters. I am scared. How do I quit? Isn’t that so awkward? How do I tell work? How do I afford a masters? What if I just gain debt and no job? What if I fail my masters? 

Help? 

I’m sad and I’m scared…so obviously I’m blogging!

ciao,

I have just today got back from such a fab holiday with my family and my boyfriend in the south of France; and I wish I was back there so badly! It was so lovely to be in the sun and be free from stress and know all those days were dedicated to just sun and swimming and happiness! Although I genuinely felt like a whale for a long time and it’s making me feel very self conscious of my already imperfect body; but I get so tired and a cheeky sugary snack pushes me to where I need to be! An excuse? Yeah maybe. But true. 

My boyfriend got ill when we were there, nothing super serious but enough to knock him out for a few days – and I have never seen him quite like that! It most definitely bought out my inner protective side,  I hated seeing him so ill and down and not himself! Had to be careful what with sharing a bed etc not to catch anything off him (and let’s be honest I still won’t know for a few days I guess) but so far feelin okay! 
I am KNACKERED. We got home at like 3? Maybe earlier; and I just slept. I had fatigue hit me hard and I think it is a combination of travel stress plus being up early plus fear for the next few days, which is most definitely a factor.

 When that plane touched down now only we were plunged into a literal downpour of mass rain, but that pretty much reflected me feelings. Tomorrow I have my grabdads stone setting ceremony (a Jewish tradition a year after the funeral to end the mourning time and celebrate their life); and I know it isn’t meant to be a sad occasion but I haven’t had the stomach to go back there since the funeral and just thinking about losing him makes me tear up every time, so I am no sure how tomorrow   will go. That stresses me out. I have to face my injection again on Sunday, and if you saw one of my previous posts you will know that this went to shit last time, and I am genuinely scared I won’t be able to do it, the pain and the inner strength needed to press that clicker – I am not sure I have it left anymore. Ouch. I have to decide about my future, about my masters or not and my job or not and who i would live with or not. So much pressure on one little person, and I am not sure how to cope. This obviously makes my stomach play up more. Waa. 
   
 
I have included these two photos from the Abbvie care magazine that I just received; both of these seem so relevant to me. I feel like I am moaning and boring and crohns sucks away the essence of me; that I become miserable and no fun and I want that spark that was me to shine through the shit ness and give happiness back to those who light up my life, but I don’t think I am doiggood right now.

I want to share this blog with my boyfriend (if you are reading this then hi, you wonderful amazing person you! 😉 ) but I am scared that I would lose my secret moaning space. scared I would feel I would be restricted in my moaning here, as I am in real life. Yet another decision! 
I can feel myself drowning in feeling over whelmed, and I am tearing up as we speak. So I need to get my ass away from this phone, slap a bit of eyeliner on and a fake smile on my face for this evening and an evening meal with my family. Hopefully their madness puts a smile back on my face
H x

Back to my natural stalking ground…the hospital

Hi all, hope you are well! 

I have no drama to fill you in on, no big change; just my daily life – me living my life with crohns. (My phone just autocorrected that to “loving” my life with crohns – the irony!) .

 I am currently still working in London (on my morning train ride now) and the job is getting better in terms of I get along a little more with the people, and I understand the work and am busy, so the day goes faster.  Just still feel like there are so many big decisions I have to make abojt my future in the next month or so, and that is so scary! do I take on my masters if I get offered the place? Do I stay working instead? Do I move out and if so who with? How do I manage my weekend time so I can see my boyfriend but also my family? So much is changing all at the same time that it is tricky to understand it all at once! 
Anyway back to the doctors tomorrow morning, have to leave at 6am to get there in time! Luckily my boss said I can work from home tomorrow afterwards, just got to figure out how I’m getting back! I am nervous about what he is going to say, or what tests he is going to ask me to do – I haven’t been monitored once while being on hunira and am obviously oberdue, am just nervous as to what it may be! 

I think the biggest issue I am facing at the moment is the fatigue. The heavy limbs. The exhaustion. And the fact everyone thinks I am just tired and a good nights sleep will make it better; I am sick of explaining its not the same kind of tiredness, so now I nod along and smile and get to bed early. I just wish it was that easy.  
H xx