I literally can’t even.
I feel so pathethic and crappy and awful and miserable and a million other words and I don’t even know why or how to make it better. Strap yourselves in for a long roller coaster of a post folks, I think now I have started its going to be impossible to stop!
I don’t know what is wrong with me, I am such a roller coaster of emotions that I can’t keep up with myself, and I am not just blaming the normal monthly hormone influx (although I have been noticeably more teary the last few days so maybe I should do hah!)
I am knackered. I got up at 6.20 with my boyfriend this morning so he could get to work on time (its a LONG train journey from his to work!) and am therefore knackered; but I was home by 1 after just 2 hours of lectures, and still couldn’t keep my eyes open long, I fell asleep on the sofa for an hour, and still woke up feeling beyond exhausted, unable to concentrate and also generally pathethic that I couldn’t do a single day – he does it every day and for so much longer and working so much harder then me. I am due to drive to my best friends later tonight to volunteer at her school tomorrow, but I am not sure I physically can stay awake long enough for the drive, nor be able to do it tomorrow. ANd that is pathethic. Why is my body so shit, between the illness, the medicine, the fatigue and my general personal failures how can I not function well enough to do this?! I was so sad recently about my lack of social life, and my boring life so now I am trying harder and have things planned and I can’t do them because my 80 year old body won’t keepup with me. I feel like a let down, I feel useless, honestly, what am I even contributing to anyone right now?
Issue number 2. I am irrevocably, totally and completely feeling down on myself, and that sucks. I know I am overweight, and that makes me feel shit. I have been trying so hard, yet today I felt so dizzy, tired and shit that I needed sugar just to get me awake enough to walk upstairs, so now I am not only a pathetic tired mess, but also a fat one. Fuck. I feel insecure in my relationship, but not because of any reasons you might think. I just don’t think I am good enough for him, I am too needy, I am not…special enough. He is the light of my life, and honestly I don’t think I know a better person than him, then I look at myself and see nothing worth being with, and that makes me feel like crap, because it makes me so insecure! Aside from that, just feeling shit makes me so needy, when he is at work and at times like this when all I can do is sit at my desk and have a little cry, all I want is a hug and a kiss; but he is at work, being busy, leading a normal life and I can’t get in the way of that. He is so much more independent than me, he doesn’t need me the way I need him and I find that hard to cope with; whilst also hating on myself for being so easily dependent on a man, I never had myself down as that kinda gal.
GOSH so much misery in this post. I can’t even carry on writing with the moans, because nobody needs to hear all this crap 😉
On the plus side, I have a happy, positive post to write soon- I just think now isn’t the right time to do it, because I am not in that kinda mood, and I don’t think I will do it justice! I just tried to end this post on a ~this is my next 5 step action goal~ kinda thing, because it often makes me feel better to have a tick list of things to do, and just focus on achieving them and being able to see what I have done. But I honestly cant see a way to get out oif this. Love my boyfriend less? Care less? Get less close? Somehow cure myself of whatever is fucking with my head? Unfortunately I can’t, or won’t do any of those. I just need my guardian angel to wake up a bit, come back out of retirement or whatever and come help me out. I just need someone to prop me up, and help me out. Please.
Sorry for the complete and utter trainwreck of a post, but times like this are exactly when this blog comes into its own.
I hope you are having a better time of it than me!