Colonoscopy #4 done and dusted


abd at age 22 as well, it isn’t fair. 

I’m back at work today and so shattered and tired and shaky I could cry. It took all my energy to get me here and I can’t cope with actually working and the thought of physically trying to get myself home again makes me feel ill.

I really struggled doing the picolax prep this time around, feeling dizzy and sick and helpless and more than anything terrified about the future. But it came anyway, the big day I was both dreading and wanting to avoid and the day I wanted to arrive quickly so I could better understand my insides. 

It went well and awful at th same time: the end result is that the humira is working, I did it. I got rid of the ulcers that had re arrived. They took biopsies to check at a cellular level , but otherwise it’s a thumbs up! I know I will be more pleased a out this when I feel better, but right now I’m struggling to even hold my hand up to type let alone think about future implications. 

However, it hurt. I felt the drug go straight to my head and welcomed it, the colonoscopy had hurt before so I was happy for any relief. But it was nothing like this, it was so painful and uncomfortable and make me hurt and cry, and it scared me. Apparently my bowel kept stretching or something which made it painful for the camera to come around.  The weird thing is I am still struggling with things like fatigue, so am going to experiment with my medication (my doctors trcommendation) to look at seeing if I can get rid of his fatigue. I hope to god it works.
I am so tired and so shattered and I just need a day off. I need a day where someone just cares for me and hugs me and looks after me. I need a recovery day. And I don’t get one, and that is terrifying. Although, my boyfriend has been amazing. He came down both days to be wit me before and after work and put up with my awful company just because he knew it would make me feel better. He can’t even know how much that meant, what a difference it makes when so often with this disease you feel alone.

I am sat here trying not to cry. I just want to go home and have a day to get myself together. I don’t know how to get through today. I am not strong enough o my own.

H x

Let’s smash this 👌🏼


okay so sometime you gotta fake it till you make it. I may not be sure of myself and of my future, but If I’m not positive about it, then it definitely won’t happen! 

I am gonna ACE the last few weeks at my job, making some extra money and helping them out.

I may be the heaviest I have been, but I am going to LOVE the way I look because it is a result of everything I have been through and I am going to PERSEVERE (had to google how to spell that!) with trying to lose weight, one day it WILL happen

I am going to ENJOY my new masters and make new friends and continue to be a happy, friendly person

I will NERD UP , study hard and SUCCEED at my masters. It is something I love and something o know I can do well at.

I will get ORGANISED and make sure I get on with my volunteering, being a HELPER-FAIRY- ARCHAEOLOGY-MUSEUM-WOMAN getting involved in as many projects as I can to boost my CV, my confidence and experience, and who knows, someone may even pay me for it!

I will CALM DOWN about my finances, obviously money is a concern but I can get through this and I have committed so I may as well push for the best outcome

I can be happy for the change in others lives and their ACHIEVEMENTS without feeling like I pale in comparison. Everyone is different else life would be boring. 

I will SQUASH my crohns insecurities and take on anything it throws at me. Again. Hah. 
I can do all this, and more. I need to focus on the amazing potential this year has and not all the scary parts. It is hard to keep on track and everything but I need to keep trying. Let’s do this. 

H x

Whale woman reporting for duty 🐳


Literally. I can’t even. The tiredness. 

I am trying to lose some weight, less snacking, morr healthy food etc. Like three weeks in and nothing, no change. Still the heaviest I have ever been, still waddling around feeling shit about how I look. And that’s freaking depressing and annoying! And aside from that I am wiped out… I KNOW I probably seem like I moan about this in every post. But really. I was in bed by 9 last night having had a shit emotional and tiring night including a humira injection – which really put a damper on my amazing weekend.
I feel shit. I have no energy. I have been at work for 1.5 hours and already can’t keep my eyes open. I got shaky just walking to the station. My eyelids feel like lead and just contemplating how I am going to get home makes me feel awful! When I feel like this I just need energy, regardless of what form it takes. A salad won’t keep me going, I feel like I need a fizzy drink and a chocolate alongside it to bust me through this day. Oh, what I would give just to have the day in bed. 

On the plus side. I have quit my job! Officially going to be a masters student! Isn’t that crazy 😮 

Big hugs to everyone who needs one 

H x

Very close to a tantrum


so. 

I have to quit my job tomorrow. And I know o show focus on the exciting masters that is in my future. And I know I should focus on all the opportunities . But all I can think about is how am I meant to have that awkward conversation? How am I meant to tell them then work my notice? Gulp. Help! 

My colonoscopy just got moved from Tuesday to the week after. I organised lifts, time off work, sorted the diet things. I want to cry. I don’t feel great (I don’t feel bad. I just don’t feel 100%) and I hate the procedure but had psyched myself up for it and planned my weekend accordingly and now it was for nothing! I want it to be done, I want to know the results, I want it to be over. 

I think the stress is contributing to me feeling ill? Or not great. I don’t want to use the word ill or say I’m feeling bad when I’m not really I guess. I’m just not good.

I have my next humira in Sunday and ta already making me feel a bit sick to just think of it. God I hate those things. I hate how childlike and fearful they make me. How j can’t control it!
It’s not fair. I feel scared and a little lonely taking this leap of faith. I wish I had just one thing that was a bit more secure in my life. (Sorry for the dramatic over indulgences of a spoilt child – of course I am lucky in so many ways but sometimes it is hard to see. Which makes me even angrier sometimes – why oh why do I find r so much harder than everyone else to focus on the good?!) 
I am shattered. As per. I spend my life being tired and worrying. I can’t even enjoy weekends because I’m ferrying round between home and my boyfriends and friends, not getting enough time to see any of them properly. 

Please let this period of indecision and change be over soon.

H x

Decisions are my enemy


So I’m starting to settle into work, I could get used to the money and move out and enjoy life as it is 

Or I could do my masters and it be a massive risk and be broke and maybe stuck at home but maybe Doug an amazing course and getting me to a dream job and enjoying it so much more than what I do now. 

To top it off my tummy is fekmg weird and wrong. And my colonoscopy is on Tuesday. I am STRESSED and unsure about my future. 

Do I play it safe or risk it? Either could be amazing but both could be shit and trapping me. And I have to decide on my own. I wanted that masters, so badly. But now I am more tempted to stay. Help me. 

I feel too young to be making these decisions myself, ones that can truly affect my future so hugely and my debt and my career path. Gulp. 

H x

I just want to hide away


fatigue can p*ss right off.

I am always hesitant to say that that is what I am suffering from because sometimes I’m just normal tired. And that’s fine. But I felt so exhausted yesterday but still went down to Southampton on a girls road trip to see our old house mate and go shopping; and I am so so glad I did- it was such a happy lovely day. But I got tired at about 5, and I mean struggling to open my eyes tired, not haut a bit sleepy

Now it’s nearly 1pm and I can’t get out of bed. I haven’t eaten or drunk, I just don’t want to move. I am fatigued and my limbs are heavy and my eyes feels like lead and I just never want to move again. But I have so much on in my life what with boyfriend, and not seeing family and trying to split time between mums and dads and trying to decide in a masters and to tidy my room and sort my washing for work next week- but I just can’t face any of it. Add it in the random bouts of unnecessary crying and the slight feeling of self disgust I am having about my looks / self confidence right now all in all it isn’t a good day. 

😦 

I have my colonoscopy next week so am looking forward to getting some answers! I have been feeling a bit sick after eating recently, so I am hoping that is just bad luck and not anything more – but I will just be glad To know! 

Hope your all having happier weekends than me

H x