Crohns and Dieting? Hmm…. Day 18, 2017


MORNING GUYS. For once decided to post first thing (I mean, 10.30am, but close enough!). I have decided to try and lose weight, not as a new years resolution or anything (always fail) but just because enough is enough. I want to fit my clothes better, feel skinnier, look slimmer, and generally get a bit more self confidence back. I do want to lose weight, and have given myself a target weight-  but its not really so much about the numbers, as about how I feel about myself when I look in the mirror. I wasn’t going to tell you guys about it, I guess I am kinda scared to admit it incase I can’t reach my goal- but screw it, that is an extra reason to tell everyone -TO MAKE ME DO IT.

Here are some cheeky motivational posts to a) liven up my blog (check – see yesterdays aim of including more pictures!) and b) give me/ anyone else something to push us along on this Wednesday morning

 

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So, there is the motivational part of this post. I am trying to lose two stone by the end of May, mainly be eating better and eating less, and trying to be more aware of the lack of exercise I do, and trying to increase that where possible. The thing is , I really do need a job, I cant spend all day just going on long walks, and I move around way too much to bother buying a gym membership. SO it will be extra walks where I can, stairs not lifts, workouts where possible, jogs where possible, etc. I hope to do lots of sit ups and similar each day just at home to, which I think will help.

My main issue is dieting -with Crohns. Most diets say eat minimal portions (fine) and switch to things such as Brown pasta, brown rice, lots of vegetables etc – all of which is pretty much the exact opposite of what I try to eat with my crohns. For example, if I ate a salad a day for lunch, instead of being super healthy, it would probably cause me issues due to digestion etc – which is just counter productive. I have googled some diets to do (I don’t want a strict diet to follow necessarily, just ideas of better meals) but couldn’t find much. I am going to see my consultant next week, so I will talk to him then too for some advice , but if anyone reading this knows of anything helpful PLEASE let me know, would be appreciated! I am just going to start with: no snacks, small portions, more vegetables in meals, less carbs per meal, and trying to have more variety and drink less fizzy drinks but more water. All of these changes are do-able, and I am calorie counting too, to try to hold myself accountable for all the cheeky little snacks.

So, that’s my plan. Fingers crossed when I stand ready for my summer holiday, this year I will know, I HAVE lost weight.

H x

3 ways I have succeeded despite Crohns…


  1. I am doing my masters.

This is something I didn’t think would be possible through the mid-point of my second year at Undergraduate. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t function on my own and totally relied on my friends to support me.  I was a walking, talking crohns-monster, and I am so thankful that through a combination of medication, operations, and love and support from my family and friends, that I have been able to emerge out the other side all the stronger for it. I am working hard, yes I am only in uni 3 days a week, but more because I can’t afford the train tickets than anything else! Yes, I am napping most days when I can. Yes, I am PILING on the weight because I am snacking more than ever just to get energy. Yes, I cry and feel defeated when it all gets too much, BUT it isn’t stopping me. I cant wait to hand in my dissertation, to crack on with the job hunt, and to walk down the dissertation aisle for the second time, head held high with my family around me, just to prove that I could. Coz Crohns ain’t stopping me.

 

2. I have a long-term boyfriend, and am managing semi-successfully

I know that doesn’t seem like it has anything to do with crohns for some of you, but that, probably, is because you don’t quite understand how it affects every single aspect of my life.  It affects my self esteem a lot, I think more than I realised. I don’t think I am good enough for him, I think he can do better, I get scared he will be bored of my medicine, and fatigue and general bad-days. I get worried he will get sick of my moaning. I fear he will out-grow me, and move onto someone less broken. But, so far, he hasn’t. And I pray to every god, or shooting star or lucky coin that he won’t, because as of right now he keeps me motivated and happy, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Thank you for being my best friend, my rock and my saviour 🙂

 

3. I am living a normal, ish, life

I have had quite a lot of stress in my life recently – my dad and stepmum split up, my boyfriend is moving out of his home into a new one, and I have realised my career prospects sseem pretty much 0. And yes, I have cried, and panicked, and hidden under the duvet to escape reality. But I made it out, I pulled the covers back and I am going on. I see my friends, I see my boyfriend, I see my family, I do my work, I plan events, I do everything I want to do (almost!). There are many things holding me back right now – job availability, money, etc, but my illness isn’t one of them. HELLS NO. On a trip with uni this weekend I told 2 people on my course about crohns – the first ones at this uni to know; and that had had no idea! And THAT is super exciting!

 

 

Maybe these things don’t sound like much, and maybe they aren’t. I hope this post wasn’t too self-indulgent. Maybe it is a way to boost my spirits before my impending colonscopy – number 4 at aged just 22, blooooody fantastic. Either way, everyone deserves a little self-congratulation once in a while. So, make sure you give yourself a pat on the back for all the good, and let the bad slide every now and again, cut yourself a break.

 

Be happy, be positive and keep fighting onwards,

H x

Cheeky Little Update…


So I have nothing that special to say (probably NOT the best way to start  a post, but hey ho! Honesty is the best policy and all that 😉 )  but feel like its been a while, so thought I would just check in and fill y’all in with the nothingness that is going on at the moment 😉

 

I have had a LOOOOVELY Christmas and New Years period, not in half because my boyfriend has had some time off and it was nice to be able to see him for more than just a weekend, although unfortunately not that much longer 😦

I went to Winter Wonderland twice – once with the family which was super sweet, and once with my boyfriend which was lovely too 🙂 Also we went to see the new star wars in the Electric Theatre at Notting Hill – which I CAN’T RECOMMEND ENOUGH. So much fun! We actually got the tickets from our friends who couldn’t go, and they had very exciting-ly bought some of the seats at the back, a nice comfy sofa with tables, blankets and the like – and we enjoyed the film in 3D with the company of a HUGE chocolate brownie and some drinks, so nice! I have seen a lot of family and friends over the last few days, one of my best friends is visiting from Australia, so that’s exciting and been nice seeing him when I can; although Masters work is really starting to get in the way! (how annoying!)

I am genuinely feeling the “job stress”,  I would LOVE to work in a museum environment, or a heritage environment like English Heritage; and specifically in the education department, but right now that just seems impossible, which is pretty depressing. And the only jobs that exist are on what appear to be the tiniest every salary- not enough for me to move out and do the things I want to be doing, so that’s quite tough. I am trying to apply for them still, and also start for some grad schemes – it stresses me out that after the end of this masters in just a few short months now I have nothing to go onto, and that terrifies me. I feel like I am being left behind. I also broached the idea of moving in together with my boyfriend, which didn’t go down that well. Not gonna lie, that hurt pretty bad -rejection isn’t something that’s fun to feel; and although I get his reasoning, doesn’t make it much easier! And the fact I have 0 job and 0 money to look forward to means I feel even further away from him, and the life he is moving towards. Not that he has done anything to exclude me from it, its just so far from where I am / could be, and that scares me! BLEUGH – no point in moaning, I guess it will happen or it wont!

Crohns has been fine -back on the humira injections and Azathiaprine. One thing that has been a pain is I got a cut by my ear, like where the ear lobe joins your head (if that makes sense?!) and I must have had it for over a month now and it just WILL NOT heal. I guess due to my new potato-like immune system, but its so sore and just getting worse, which is pretty annoying!

 

Hmm ,for a post where I had nothing to say I managed to moan / ramble  quite a lot!

Hope you are all well and enjoying your New years,

H x

What if I am just writing in circles?


What if I run out of things to say? I am worried my thoughts are all the same, mundane worries and fears, stupid self conscious and self deprivating thoughts as well as general despair about my future! Alongside obviously the ridiculous laughing fits, the happy photos, the loving cuddles – but these are things that maybe don’t come across so well in this blog. I am worried  about posting too much of the same, of being mundane, of being boring. I was so sure at the start of this that crohns would take over my life, and I would constantly have these horror stories to post and this would be my only place to vent truly – and sometimes it is – but crohns hasn’t changed me in the way I thought it would.

it has changed me, lets not beat around the bush here, it has. And I don’t like all those changes, and some days I hate them and resent them. But other days I accept them, and even am kind of proud of them. I hate the fact that I still cannot cope with my injections, that last night my boyfriend was out signing a new flat which he can  in with his friends, being sociable, being an adult, doing what I want to do – and where was I? Crying in bed having just done another humira injection, and trying not to be sick with the headache and shakes that it bought on. How is that fair?? I hate that it makes me feel so different sometimes. I hate that it made me bitter and kind of jealous of my boyfriend, in stead of being happy and celebrating for him, I hate that I only see the negatives sometimes, the fact that our lives will get more different and all I see is the negatives in my situation- I hate that it makes me feel those things – but maybe they were already n me, and this is just my way of rationalising it? But then, I am proud of myself for being a normal (ish!) person – for having to inject myself but not letting that stop me, not letting this disease control what I do. Infact just yesterday I got a letter saying that my most recent biopsies form the colonscopy came back clear WAHOOO. Helps to lighten the grump I was in about having to go get a flu jab this afternoon..i still hate needles!

I find that weird actually (side note) that doing my injections is getting harder. I thought I would be used to it, get less psyched out, be more able and ready to cope. And I am not, I am worse. I psych myself out more, I know the pain doesn’t get bearable, I know that pushing that button is going to inflict pain and in that moment the fact it is helping me be better doesn’t even reach my consciousness, no matter how man ytimes my mum says it! All I know is that when I push that button it is going to hurt, and I will hate it. Sometimes I do my count down and swear I move my thumb but it just refuses on its own! But that a whole other blog post 😉

Anyway, I am not really sure what the whole aim of this was, it was pretty rambling and more than a little confused, and I am sorry! It is an honest insight into the mses which is my head right now – enjoy 😉 I hope to keep posting regurlarly, and that means not making something more dramatic or ridiculous than it is, if my life is pretty quiet then so will my posts!

Hope you are all happy,

H x

Colonoscopy #4 done and dusted


abd at age 22 as well, it isn’t fair. 

I’m back at work today and so shattered and tired and shaky I could cry. It took all my energy to get me here and I can’t cope with actually working and the thought of physically trying to get myself home again makes me feel ill.

I really struggled doing the picolax prep this time around, feeling dizzy and sick and helpless and more than anything terrified about the future. But it came anyway, the big day I was both dreading and wanting to avoid and the day I wanted to arrive quickly so I could better understand my insides. 

It went well and awful at th same time: the end result is that the humira is working, I did it. I got rid of the ulcers that had re arrived. They took biopsies to check at a cellular level , but otherwise it’s a thumbs up! I know I will be more pleased a out this when I feel better, but right now I’m struggling to even hold my hand up to type let alone think about future implications. 

However, it hurt. I felt the drug go straight to my head and welcomed it, the colonoscopy had hurt before so I was happy for any relief. But it was nothing like this, it was so painful and uncomfortable and make me hurt and cry, and it scared me. Apparently my bowel kept stretching or something which made it painful for the camera to come around.  The weird thing is I am still struggling with things like fatigue, so am going to experiment with my medication (my doctors trcommendation) to look at seeing if I can get rid of his fatigue. I hope to god it works.
I am so tired and so shattered and I just need a day off. I need a day where someone just cares for me and hugs me and looks after me. I need a recovery day. And I don’t get one, and that is terrifying. Although, my boyfriend has been amazing. He came down both days to be wit me before and after work and put up with my awful company just because he knew it would make me feel better. He can’t even know how much that meant, what a difference it makes when so often with this disease you feel alone.

I am sat here trying not to cry. I just want to go home and have a day to get myself together. I don’t know how to get through today. I am not strong enough o my own.

H x

Whale woman reporting for duty 🐳


Literally. I can’t even. The tiredness. 

I am trying to lose some weight, less snacking, morr healthy food etc. Like three weeks in and nothing, no change. Still the heaviest I have ever been, still waddling around feeling shit about how I look. And that’s freaking depressing and annoying! And aside from that I am wiped out… I KNOW I probably seem like I moan about this in every post. But really. I was in bed by 9 last night having had a shit emotional and tiring night including a humira injection – which really put a damper on my amazing weekend.
I feel shit. I have no energy. I have been at work for 1.5 hours and already can’t keep my eyes open. I got shaky just walking to the station. My eyelids feel like lead and just contemplating how I am going to get home makes me feel awful! When I feel like this I just need energy, regardless of what form it takes. A salad won’t keep me going, I feel like I need a fizzy drink and a chocolate alongside it to bust me through this day. Oh, what I would give just to have the day in bed. 

On the plus side. I have quit my job! Officially going to be a masters student! Isn’t that crazy 😮 

Big hugs to everyone who needs one 

H x

Very close to a tantrum


so. 

I have to quit my job tomorrow. And I know o show focus on the exciting masters that is in my future. And I know I should focus on all the opportunities . But all I can think about is how am I meant to have that awkward conversation? How am I meant to tell them then work my notice? Gulp. Help! 

My colonoscopy just got moved from Tuesday to the week after. I organised lifts, time off work, sorted the diet things. I want to cry. I don’t feel great (I don’t feel bad. I just don’t feel 100%) and I hate the procedure but had psyched myself up for it and planned my weekend accordingly and now it was for nothing! I want it to be done, I want to know the results, I want it to be over. 

I think the stress is contributing to me feeling ill? Or not great. I don’t want to use the word ill or say I’m feeling bad when I’m not really I guess. I’m just not good.

I have my next humira in Sunday and ta already making me feel a bit sick to just think of it. God I hate those things. I hate how childlike and fearful they make me. How j can’t control it!
It’s not fair. I feel scared and a little lonely taking this leap of faith. I wish I had just one thing that was a bit more secure in my life. (Sorry for the dramatic over indulgences of a spoilt child – of course I am lucky in so many ways but sometimes it is hard to see. Which makes me even angrier sometimes – why oh why do I find r so much harder than everyone else to focus on the good?!) 
I am shattered. As per. I spend my life being tired and worrying. I can’t even enjoy weekends because I’m ferrying round between home and my boyfriends and friends, not getting enough time to see any of them properly. 

Please let this period of indecision and change be over soon.

H x

😓


Ffs.

I just have such an over whelming urge to cry- what’s wrong with me?!

Today I left my boyfriends and went to visit my cousins in London and it was lovely, we had lunch and saw part of the Notting Hill Carnival and then I came home. I’m so tired. I’m so sad. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

I miss my boyfriend. I want to go back to him. Why am i so reliant on him? Why can’t I just be more like my old self and confident and self assured? I love him so much and love being in a relstionsship but sometimes it makes me a bit pathetic and needy. 😔But i hate myself for missing him so much! (Okay that doesn’t all make sense, sorry. But had to vent it!)
Anyway. I have to do my humira injection today, and it’s 7.45 and I can’t stop postponing it. I feel sick and shake whenever u think about just doing it. I don’t want to. It hurts. 

I think I want to do my masters, but it doesn’t seem like there is any funding. So I am not sure I can do it, and that is so frustrating! 

On yet another boyfriend note (sorry please don’t be too bored) I told him about this blog. The first person in my life who knows. Although I didn’t show him any. So he may not know it all! But you know what he said when I asked if he wanted to see any? “Maybe one day, if it’s your thing and your way to vent then that’s good enough for me”. I don’t know how I ended up with such a kind and gentle soul, and I truly don’t know why he has stuck with me! 

I am feeling like I need to rebuild myself a bit, make myself me. I need to be stronger alone, which I think will make my relationship even stronger. It is hard to be strong though, especially when physically I feel so weak and that comfort helps me through. I need to be able to do things alone, I hate feeling like a burden.

Such a rambling post. Sorry! 

Keep your head up and strong, and we will a get to where we need to be eventually 

H x

I’m sad and I’m scared…so obviously I’m blogging!


ciao,

I have just today got back from such a fab holiday with my family and my boyfriend in the south of France; and I wish I was back there so badly! It was so lovely to be in the sun and be free from stress and know all those days were dedicated to just sun and swimming and happiness! Although I genuinely felt like a whale for a long time and it’s making me feel very self conscious of my already imperfect body; but I get so tired and a cheeky sugary snack pushes me to where I need to be! An excuse? Yeah maybe. But true. 

My boyfriend got ill when we were there, nothing super serious but enough to knock him out for a few days – and I have never seen him quite like that! It most definitely bought out my inner protective side,  I hated seeing him so ill and down and not himself! Had to be careful what with sharing a bed etc not to catch anything off him (and let’s be honest I still won’t know for a few days I guess) but so far feelin okay! 
I am KNACKERED. We got home at like 3? Maybe earlier; and I just slept. I had fatigue hit me hard and I think it is a combination of travel stress plus being up early plus fear for the next few days, which is most definitely a factor.

 When that plane touched down now only we were plunged into a literal downpour of mass rain, but that pretty much reflected me feelings. Tomorrow I have my grabdads stone setting ceremony (a Jewish tradition a year after the funeral to end the mourning time and celebrate their life); and I know it isn’t meant to be a sad occasion but I haven’t had the stomach to go back there since the funeral and just thinking about losing him makes me tear up every time, so I am no sure how tomorrow   will go. That stresses me out. I have to face my injection again on Sunday, and if you saw one of my previous posts you will know that this went to shit last time, and I am genuinely scared I won’t be able to do it, the pain and the inner strength needed to press that clicker – I am not sure I have it left anymore. Ouch. I have to decide about my future, about my masters or not and my job or not and who i would live with or not. So much pressure on one little person, and I am not sure how to cope. This obviously makes my stomach play up more. Waa. 
   
 
I have included these two photos from the Abbvie care magazine that I just received; both of these seem so relevant to me. I feel like I am moaning and boring and crohns sucks away the essence of me; that I become miserable and no fun and I want that spark that was me to shine through the shit ness and give happiness back to those who light up my life, but I don’t think I am doiggood right now.

I want to share this blog with my boyfriend (if you are reading this then hi, you wonderful amazing person you! 😉 ) but I am scared that I would lose my secret moaning space. scared I would feel I would be restricted in my moaning here, as I am in real life. Yet another decision! 
I can feel myself drowning in feeling over whelmed, and I am tearing up as we speak. So I need to get my ass away from this phone, slap a bit of eyeliner on and a fake smile on my face for this evening and an evening meal with my family. Hopefully their madness puts a smile back on my face
H x

Addicted to blogging? Maybe…


Okay, So I know this is my SECOND blog of the day, and each of these are probably as boring as the last. And the poor fools of you who are following me and getting spammed by these emails are probably hoping against hope that I lose internet connection and am unable to carry on with these nonsense fllled posts- and get ready to celebrate the fact I go on holiday in a day or so and you will get a weeks freedom!  However, I think I am addicted to blogging. You know when you get that feeling, any feeling ready and you want to moan and rant or laugh or cry or share your revelation; well now I turn to here when I get that.

Right now, I may be home and enjoying the freedom and the knowledge that I don’t have to attend work again for a while, but I am also concerned about the uncomfortable and weird feelings going on in my stomach. I am up to date on my tablets (naughty me for missing a  few previously), and the injections (apart from my mishap this weekend) so why does it feel weird? why? thats UNFAIR. I have a colonscopy in a month, but it doesn’t seem soon enough to put my mind at risk.

I can’t cope with being ill. I am already back to feeling the cramps and having to run to the bathroom. To feeling sick for no real reason, to being paranoid about what I eat – as well as all the normal twenty year old fears such as being fat (which in my case is becoming worryingly real!)  I don’t want to be ill again, and it scares me. And I can’t say this to other people, because how can I say the same fears every other day when they have no answers to give me, and I know that. How can I keep telling them the same thing, when they have no  real reassurances to give? I have to blog here because I can’t keep it in or I would go crazy.  I can’t pretend I don’t think about it at least an hour of every day of my life, and I can’t pretend that the future doesn’t scare me. But for now, al lI have is this…this outlet of my fear. I hope it shows other people, maybe just one other person; that being scared is okay. And being paranoid is justified when you have been through what we go through.

Is is the stress of my life at the moment that is going on? Is it the worry about going away, or the stress of work and the big decisions i have to make? Is it the nervousness of going to my grandad’s stone setting funeral? I miss him, and I am scared of missing him even more, or having to acknowledge the gap that his passing has left in my life. As well as many others.

Anyway, whatever it is, I hope that it goes. I hope that my stomach puts up with what is coming its way; I hope that it is nothing and just a bit of tummy ache. Please. And thanks!

If I don’t post in the next few days, then then be happy that I am on holiday and going problem free!

Enjoy the good weather

H x