Okay so I know I gave up a bit on my daily posts, and I am sorry – I really enjoyed doing them to be fair, the general updates and the ability to chat about something that wasn’t a “this-is-what-I-have-done-in-the-last-3-months-since-I-posted” type thing, and I promise I will try to keep up the regular posting.
I am going through a shitty stage right now. And I don’t think I am coping very well. Or know how to cope very well. And its all a bit tough. I am not even sure why I am writing this, or that I want to – its something that is very recent and raw and I am battling with it, and I don’t really want a bunch of strangers on the internet to judge me over it. But, I started this blog to be honest and true, and a space to vent, and that is what it should be. I genuinely think mental health needs to be talked about more, and supported more and the stigma around it removed, but how can I think that and then refuse to be open and honest about hard times; because the overwhelming need to always act like everything is fine is one of the problems here. It IS okay to not be okay. It really is.
I have always known I am quite an anxious person, for as long as I can remember, and I don’t know if that is a bit of OCD, or anxiety or what, but it has always been there. But in the past year or so it has really been getting worse, and then I cant control my emotions, I cry over everything, and get genuinely worked up and upset over stupid thing. And then in the past few months my anger has really reared its head- and I am ashamed just to type that. (And to be honest the only reason I am brave enough to write this post is because I try to keep myself anonymous and separate from my daily life, so that this cant get back to me. But still. So – if for any reason you do know me. pretend you never read this. please? because if I knew people were reading it, I would never be able to write as freely as I do.) I just get SO angry over silly things, ti the point where I genuinely cant control my rage, and this and all the other things is impacting my relationship, and my family, and mainly me. So, I reached out, to a therapist, to the doctors, I do need help, and I am going to try and get it. But, as a side note, I have a lot going on in my life, and I think it is okay to admit that I am coping with a lot, and that its okay to find that tough.
So, I know this post is mega long and boring already, but here is a list of what is on my mind at the moment, written as a moment of self appreciation for juggling these without combusting any sooner.
- Unemployment. I finished my masters nearly 6 months ago and was under the impression, given by many of the tutors, that work would be do-able. It hasn’t been for me. I now have a cool job for 2 days per week, starting in 2 weeks, but that isn’t really enough. And its only for 6 months. So what do I do the other three days? What do I do if this doesn’t get extended?
- General job insecurity – where the hell will I be in a year? do I keep following my dreams or go for security and money?
- Living situation – moving between my mums, dads and boyfriends every few days is exhausting. I never unpack my suitcase, and constantly move about. last week I reached 14 days moving somewhere new every single night. I just want a home, and a room, that is my room.
- Boyfriend – we are arguing SO MUCH. and it is mainly my fault, because of my anxiety I am not coping well with everything else and its all building up and I am not being a good girlfriend or friend or person and that makes me hate myself even more. Bleugh. Plus we are trying to live together, but that is on hold because of my job situation, and the fact it is bloody terrifying
- Crohns – OBVS. always there . always a general haunting threat at the back of my mind, oh the joys. Got to arrange to have some new tests done in a few weeks, so that should be fun
- Family – My dads separation / divorce or whatever. I found out my stepmum and half siblings are moving house again, further away, to somewhere bigger and more permanent. Not that I was officially told, except by my 9 year old sister who, obviously, assumed I knew. Not. It is a huge stress and sadness in my life to have my family be divided again.
And so many of those categories have subcategories and more. And I am sorry if I am selfish and moaning and rambling on. But this is my blog and I will do what I want 😉
No, but seriously. I am having a really rough time at the moment, and sometimes I just need to put it on paper to know that I am not crazy (or not totally at least!) and that I am dealing with a lot, and its okay to not be okay. I just hope that this doesn’t last for too much longer, because being okay is much more fun.