The last like 48 hours have been the perfect example of crohns; I have flown higher than high and felt so happy I was crying with laughter; and so low I question how I am meant to keep doing this, and how this hurts. It also showed me that although a lot of this blog and this illness is about me, the way that it affects me also depends on how those around me act and cope with it. When you get scared and you need someone else to be brave for you, or when you get tired and need someone to say that it’s okay.
I don’t have any aim for this post, I don’t really know what I wanted to say; I just wanted to say something. I am officially 22; and can’t believe how old I am haha! I finished work o n Friday and got home as quick as I could to get changed and ready to go meet my friends for a birthday dinner. It was so so lovely, I had some of my closest friends with me (some couldn’t make it , but enough to did and it was lovely!) and I got to spend time with people that make me laugh and happy and it was so nice to have my boyfriend and uni friends and home friends all together and happy and …it was lovey! We had dinner then went to the pub and had one of those slow drinking nights bumping into old friends and crying with laughter at old stories and new friendships until the early hours! And then I got to go home and wake up the next day on my birthday with my best friend beside me, and my boyfriend stayed the whole day and night and it made my birthday just that bit better!
So for my birthday we did some presents and hung out with my dad and the kids. We had breakfast and went bowling and went for lunch- and it was so happy and nice; in part because I was insane at bowling and won by a long time haha! Then in the afternoon I came to see mum and hang out at home with my autie and uncle and brother (and the boyf) and played some games and ate some pizza and it was s chilled and lovely!
My stomach did start to play up a little, I was hit by a few waves of nausea and the odd cramping but it wasn’t enough to put a damper on my evening, and was never going to brig me down! Today though, today was the downside. I slept for ages, maybe 10 hours and still am knackered at just 3.30. I had to get up several times in the night from not feeling great; which eas the first time in ages my stomach has woken me up 😦 but it was alright. Today I had to do my injections and I had planned to take photos for this blog post, but I couldn’t. I panicked and got scared.
Humira. Injections. Needles. Pain. I have got so much better at doing it, all I need is my tissue for any bleeding, the injection and a hand to hold tight and I just line it up and get in with it! You know it is going to hurt but you can hold your breath and get it done and know that it will be oaky after. But it is scary and noisy and painful and unpleasant. And I get scared everytime.
Today, it hurt so badly. Honestly, I couldn’t. I psyched myself out so badly, I got my thing all lined up and ready to go I did my countdown, my boyfriend did the countdown, but my thumb just wouldn’t work. It hurts. And when I finally pressed that button and heard that god forsaken click, it hurt so badly. I swear it hurt more than before, I can’t explain that pain and then that panic that followed. I cried, and it hurt and the pain was horrible and .,..and apparently I have lost the ability to articulate but that pain and that fear and that panic is indescribable. And that self control to hold the needle in knowing that it is hurting. It is the hardest mix ever.
I finally heard the click and took he needle out; just to see a dribble of liquid come out down my side, and bubble by the injection point. That meant is didn’t go back in properly. That means I didn’t get my full dose. I hurt myself so badly but it seems like it was for nothing because it didn’t even all go in. What am I going to do? Will it still be effective? Please, please don’t have them say I have to do anther injection. I just cried. My poor boyfriend, he is beyond amazing at it, he has such a needle phobia but still stoutly sits there every time and holds my hands and comforts me, and I can never say thank you enough. But still, it crushed me. How can I still not get it right- what did I do wrong? The pain was so much worse than normal did I pull it out too early? Did I not press hard enough? How , HOW am I going to get myself to do that again in two weeks? I have read so many things about people having panic attacks before hand, and I thought I was doing well and had it under control, but I don’t I am scared; so so scared. And now I am sat under a blanket trying to pretend I never have to do it again, so tired out both physically and emotionally and just wishing that these injections weren’t a part of my life.
It’s been a roller coaster!
I just want the next few days to be sorb so I can go on holiday and enjoy the time I have off. I still need to figure out the whole sun / sun cream thing. Need to figure out how to get over this fear and so much more.
So overwhelmed 😦